(Three girls, who used to be the best of friends, wrote this story a long time ago. Only two of them, Kersten and Brandy, are still good friends to this very day. As for Angie, no one knows of what life has brought her way or what she is doing now. This story is still as good today as it was the day it was written. Doesn't matter who contributed to it. All credit is given to those who helped create this story.)
(Bold Sorceress Rinoa / Angie)
(Normal Instructor Quisty / Kersten)
(Italics Cute Selphie / Brandy)
Behind the Magic (a parody of VH1's Behind the Music)
As told by the narrators Sorceress Rinoa, Instructor Quisty and Cute Selphie (for those who don't know, that's Angie, Kersten and Brandy.)
The camera pans in and the audience sees Headmaster Cid and Xu sitting on the set of the bridge. Above them, a stagehand sits on the lift, rising to the joystick of the mighty Balamb Garden, the creation of SquareSoft, and number one best selling video game of 1999.
Welcome to the world of Final Fantasy VIII.
"When they first came to me with the idea of doing another Final Fantasy, I was kind of leery," says Cid Kramer, as he crosses his legs in the director's chair labeled "Headmaster". "I mean the last one, eh, the pay was okay, and the stunts were horrible, but it was the fame I was looking for. It was something that didn't come with FF7. But they eventually convinced me,"
The short dark-haired girl beside him snorts. "Yeah, after a pay raise and an elder character." From somewhere off camera, a question is thrown at the assistant. "What did I think about the other characters? Well, I'm taken back to the first day of filming... Squall was a stuck up Hollywood snob, Zell was too damn hyper, Rinoa was the biggest flirt I've ever seen, even worse than Irvine..."
"She said that?!" The raven-haired girl pushes aside the makeup crew standing over her, who are preparing her for the 'catch me' scene. "I can't believe that bitch! She's never liked me from the start... always jealous that Squall wanted me more than her..."
"I never liked Rinoa," says the tall, well-built male sitting in front of the camera. "Every day I thought about firing her," He readjusts the prop gunblade hanging at his side. "As I did the rest of the cast."
Narrator SR: Tonight, we'll take a look 'Behind the Magic' into the world of Final Fantasy VIII.
(Entrancing intro music plays while the title screen rolls up, then it switches to 'Eyes on Me' as a series of still shots appear).
Narrator SR: Final Fantasy. SquareSoft's brainchild. The only story known to it's audience was of love and despair, from Squall and Rinoa's courtship to Seifer's 'Romantic Dream' defeat. But the story behind the magic was so much more. Drugs, sex, witchcraft. All the secrets no one knew about.
Under the Trench coat: The real romantic dream
"I never wanted to do the game. I was broke at the time and it was just a way to get some easy Gil." Seifer motions off screen. "And besides, after I saw the girls in the cast, how could I refuse the offer?"
He leans over towards the camera.
"Rinoa? Yeah, she was hot. I had a little tryst with her before the shooting of the last scene. Squall, now he and I actually did hate each other." Runs a finger over the assumed made-up scar. "These are actually real. We were in a bar, before the filming of the game started. Got into a fight. Xu was right, he was always so stuck up. Didn't talk to any of us. Fit the lone wolf thing to a T. Hyne, I hated him."
"I actually went for the whole romantic dream thing. Quistis and I played out why she lost her instructors license." chuckles "We got a little dirty on the set after hours. After a while, when we met Rinoa, she joined us. It was something that I'm proud to say I've done. Quistis always liked to play the dominatrix and Rinoa loved that. She was bi, didn't bother me though. I loved to be between the two of them."
scene switches
"Seifer and I were... well, when we weren't getting high and #$ing each other, we were good friends. We got Rinoa into it as well; you will not believe how much sex and drugs went on backstage in that game. We used to play sick jokes on Squall, he was hot, but he was such a prick. I think he hated Seifer for being able to bang both Rinoa and me at the same time. He acted the part the whole time. It's no wonder that he ended up being addicted to sleep powder and almost died. Almost completely OD'd. I remember when Seifer and I found him. We were both high on some Ruby Light and just thought that he was asleep. I felt so bad for just leaving him there. But Like I said. We were almost always high."
Under the Hat: A playboy and his pixie
"What? Me and Irvine? Of course!"
The brunette twirled her hair in between her fingers as she fidgeted beyond belief.
"Why just before you morons wanted to talk to me, Irvine and I were screwing each other's brains out."
Narrator CS: Why do you move around so much?
"Umm...I never told anybody but it's cause of my ADHD and all the Gyshal Greens I smoke." Selphie pulls out her lighter and lights up a smoke, calming her nerves. She sits back and eyes the narrator with a seductive look.
Narrator CS: How come you're looking at me like that?
"Didn't you know? Everybody's bi around here. Except Zell...I think he's totally gay because I wanted to fuck him once and he wouldn't even touch or look at me!"
Irvine saunters up from behind Selphie, stark naked except for a hat on his head. He leans over and gives Selphie a deep long kiss before he sits down in the chair next to her. The camera man is having trouble trying to keep the camera on his upper half.
Narrator CS: Well, Irvine...you're hung...I mean hung over. Do you do this often?
"Damn woman! Of course I do. Naked is the better than wearing clothes. Clothes are restraining. I'm gonna have sex anyway so why waste the time to put clothes on, take them off, and put them back on again."
Meanwhile Selphie is snorting up a green powder.
Narrator CS: What's that?
"Rapture. This shit is the bomb. It fucks you up real good. Want some," Selphie said as she fell to the floor in laughter.
Narrator CS: So what do you think of the rest of the cast Selphie?
"Rinoa's a dumb cunt. Quistis is a whore...same with that damn mutt Angelo. He's always looking for attention. Squall, he's good in bed, but he's so fucking stupid. He acts like the pimp shit when Irvine is the real pimp of the group. His character is based upon himself."
"You know it girl! Did I ever tell you guys about that one day on the set? Quistis was caught wearing Rinoa's outfit while in bed with Seifer. Must be one of his romantic dreams/fantasies. Anyway, Rinoa walked in on them and blew up big time. She threatened to kill herself or quit, which ever came first. We were going to let her do it but Squall said that we only needed to keep her for one more week, then she would be gone forever. Damn bitch, she annoyed the hell out of me!"
Behind the gunblade: The angel and her knight
Narrator SR: By the second month of filming, the game had taken off on a whole new level of acting. To the actors, it was no longer just a game,
"Things started changing when Squall was arrested for illegal gambling," Rinoa comments, "The cast took a night out, and we ended up in some tiny little bar. He got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and was involved in an intense game of Triple Triad. He bet the keys to the Ragnarok, which really wasn't his to begin with, it belonged to Universal Studios, which was the company that filmed it-"
Narrator SR: Getting on with it? This show is only allotted an hour...
"Oh, sorry, anyway, the cops came in and busted the whole place up," she twirls her fingers through the wig of raven hair on her head. "He was in jail for the rest of the weekend, had a court date and was given a year's worth community service."
Narrator SR: And no one was told about this?
"We wanted to keep it quiet, it wouldn't look good if the shy character was found in jail..."
"I don't know what she's talking about, I wasn't in jail..." the acting commander says, "She just liked to make up stories about me because I told her she wasn't good enough for me,"
Narrator SR: So there was something between the two of you?
"Oh, hell yeah," he says, pulling a cell phone out of the pocket of his stage costume, "The first time we ever met, I knew I had to have her. She's gorgeous, don't you agree?" (Camera guys shake their heads) "And she was just there, ready and willing to do anything I wanted. One night we met in the back lot of the studio. She brought with Leviathan and the GF flooded the parking lot and she jumped in stark naked. Skinny dipping isn't really my thing, but I thought, hey, if she's ready to go..." He gives a small laugh, "That was the night I told her she wasn't my type and that it was over."
Narrator SR: Over before it began. The ending was in sight long before all the encounters with drugs, sex and GFs. The producers were forced to lay the smack down on the cast when one night, in a drunken rage, the formerly quiet characters Zell and Fujin stormed the stage and held several characters hostage. When they were taken off to prison, SquareSoft was forced to bring in body doubles for the last disk of the series. Neither Fujin nor Zell were available for comment.
Being the Instructor, behind the classroom doors.
Narrator IQ: So Quistis, what was it like being the teacher?
"Oh, that? That was rather interesting. You ever try to control a two year old? Well that's what Squall was like off stage. He was such a big baby. He had to have everything perfect, wouldn't even drink tap water, it had to be Evian. The rest of the cast wasn't nearly as picky. Although I will say that Rinoa and I didn't always get along. Sure we #!ed a lot, but that was just sex, when the urge comes, go with it. We both wanted to get our hands on Squall. Seriously, he was incredibly fine. He looked so good in that stage outfit of his. Can you imagine him in nothing but his double belts, that furry jacket, and his gunblade over his shoulder?"
Narrator IQ: Can we keep to the subject please?
"Yeah, sure. What else do you want to know about the cast?"
Narrator IQ: Let's talk about...... Selphie.
"Selphie? She's a hyperactive drug addict. I'm not kidding you. I can't remember ever seeing her completely sober. I swear she's a nymphomaniac, the way her and Irvine go at it. Now there's a dumb ass for you. He thinks he's the pimp #$ he's not. I'll bet anything that the only reason the two of them are staying together is because they both like sex and drugs.
Narrator IQ: What about Zell? I think he's the only one you haven't gone off on.
"I can't really say anything bad about Zell. he was cool. Probably the most level headed person in the entire cast. I feel really bad for him. But I'm not really supposed to talk about his situation right now. I wouldn't want to screw him over like that. He's really trying to straighten himself out after the whole bar incident. He was gay, he confided in me for that. But I don't wanna talk about him anymore."
Narrator IQ: It wasn't long after the game was finished that most of the cast was busted for illegal possession.
Summoning is where it's at: The GF saga
Narrator CS: Sacred Beasts, Summons, Espers, GFs, Eidiolons...it didn't matter what you called them; to the many people of Final Fantasy these characters were your friends or enemies, depending on the situation of course. With the filming of Final Fantasy VIII, the GFs took a turn for the worse.
"I broke a nail, damnit," the scantily clad GF whined. "I just got these things redone. You know casting Diamond Dust all the time is a pain in the ass. And do they ever ask anybody else to be the ice summon? No!"
Narrator CS: Did you get along with the other GFs
"I hated Ifrit. He's always trying to melt me. My hair is perfect before that dumb ass gets near me. Quezacotl wasn't so bad. She was a bitch most of the time but to me she was pretty nice. Lets see, Siren was my best friend. Her and me go shopping together all the time at Victoria's Secret. The Brothers, Sacred and Minotaur, are really strange. I think those two are gay together. And the whole little brother/big brother facade is queer. You know their banging each other. Diablos and me are kinda seeing each other. He's a great fuck when you're bored. Carbuncle...damn that little green freak! He gets all the attention. He ain't that damn cute. Leviathan, ah the damn water snake. I love freezing him just as he tries to come out of the water. It's great. He gets so pissed off at me. Cerberus and Angelo are bed buddies. Odin is the pimp daddy of all GFs. And who cares about the rest. My nail is bugging me...can I go yet.
Narrator CS: I guess so...
Shiva stands up and walks off the stage, screaming for a nail file as she goes. As she goes, Ifrit runs up to CS and whispers in her ear.
Narrator CS: Shiva and Squall? Those two were together on the side while he was with Rinoa? Geez...I don't want to hear anymore. I'm done. I quit. These people are flipping nuts!
Narrator IQ: Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. Unfortunately, there is so much more that happened behind the scenes, but as Selphie put it, "There's not enough &#ing time in my schedule. I'm going to go &# Irvine now. Bye."
Quistis: I still remember the time Squall got drunk and called me 'Quisy-tits'
Seifer: Romantic dream, sexual fantasy, same thing.
Squall: You know, now that this damn game is over, I'm goin' back to Hollywood, where there's actually a life.
Rinoa: &# you Squall. Good riddance.
Selphie: Hyne damnit, if I have to say 'Tee-hee' one more &#ing time I'm gonna go crazy!
Irvine: Don't sweat it babe, you won't be sayin' 'tee-hee' much longer. I'll change that to an "Oh dear Hyne" in a heartbeat.
All Narrators: And that's what happens when video games go beyond the screen.
CUT!