"Sasori, get your ass down here, NOW!"

The redhead sat up in bed, his head aching from the rude awakening. "Ugh…" Sasori buried his face in his hands to block out the sunlight shining through the window. What does she want now?

"She got you, Nii-san. I told you that you wouldn't get away with it."

The monotonous voice only served to further anger Sasori, and he glared at his brother through the spaces between his fingers. Whoever thought that Sasori was a morning person was currently burning in Hell. "Brat, one more word out of your mouth and you'll be paralyzed in bed for a week."

Gaara wasn't fazed at all. He readjusted his grip on Kuma-san, his teddy bear, before saying, "I don't think so. Nee-san already found your poisons. It won't be long before she figures out where you hid your paralytics."

Sasori growled, further frustrated when the pillow he'd thrown was dodged by the younger redhead with ease. "I can always just make more, brat. Now get out of my sight before I – "

"Before you what, Sasori?"

Sasori froze almost instantly, though his facial expression didn't twitch at all. The hand that had been reaching for the paralytic in his pocket ceased all movement as he turned his head in the direction of his soon-to-be murderer. "Sakura."

"YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!"

Only Sasori's skills saved him from the devastating punch his sister threw. Sadly, his bed didn't possess the same ability to dodge and was reduced to a pile of debris. Sasori managed to duck past a few more punches before a kick caught him square in the cheek, flinging him straight through his bedroom wall. His head banged against the hallway's wall. He swore that he saw a few stars floating around before an apathetic face filled his view, the glass green eyes somehow laughing at him even with the blank expression and flat voice. "Need a hand, Nii-san?"

Sasori's eyebrow twitched and he was an inch away from socking his brother in the face, maturity damned to hell. But before he could do anything (like making sure that Gaara would be puking his guts out for the next few days), a gloved fist lifted him up by the collar of his shirt. The eldest male in the family suppressed the shivers that threatened to break out as he was faced with fiery green eyes and deceptive pink hair.

"Sasori, when I say get your ass down now, I mean get your ass down NOW!" Sakura roared, looking downright murderous as she shook Sasori back and forth, leaving him feeling like his neck was going to break.

"It's six in the morning!" He protested, all but choking as his head whipped around from the enormous amount of force Sakura was exerting. A burst of metaphorical fire spilt out of Sakura's mouth as she raised Sasori up to face level. She ground out in a voice laced with poison, "Do you have a problem with that?"

"… No."

"Wonderful. Now hand over that paralyzer in your pocket, this instant."

Sasori glared at Gaara, and if glares could kill, the boy would've been subjected to the most painful death in existence. But alas, he barely had enough time to catch the tiny smirk his little brother gave him before a fist knocked him unconscious.

Well, fuck.

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"I think that years of abuse may have strengthened your body, Nii-san. You haven't had a concussion in years," Gaara said. "You might even be able to jump off a rooftop without using chakra and survive without any injuries."

"For the hundredth time, brat, I don't need your stupid commentaries," Sasori hissed, putting as much hate as he could into the 'affectionate' title. "And throw that ridiculous thing away. It's embarrassing to walk with you holding that."

Gaara glared at him blandly – a mere glance from the corner of his eyes, but the dead look was still scary enough to make a lesser person keel. Sasori though, wasn't just any person, so he scowled right back at the shorter boy. Gaara continued to speak. "Kuma-san isn't ridiculous, Nii-san. And didn'tNee-santhrow you across the street the last time you tried to throw Kuma-san away?"

Sasori groaned and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, glaring at the group of giggling girls that walked past them. "It is ridiculous! Maybe not when you were 3, but you're almost 10 now. That's 7 fucking years of clinging onto that abomination."

"You should take that back," Gaara warned, though his voice was still stuck in that irritating monotone. "You know how mad Nee-san gets when other people insult her creations. Remember Naruto? I don't think that he'll ever want to see cake again."

Sasori could almost feel his head throb at the thought of that idiot. Sure, Gaara was a brat, but Naruto was both a brat and a moron. The biggest one there was, too. Sasori still didn't know how the insidious blond managed to befriend his brother. If there was ever one thing that Sasori had to acknowledge about Gaara, it was that he was just as smart as his siblings were. "Don't even mention that moron again. He's a danger to himself and everyone around him," Sasori grouched. "And it's because Sakura made it that it's an atrocity."

"No less of an atrocity than your 'art'." In a rare act of irritation, Gaara twitched two fingers twice to make out quotation marks. "And much less dangerous than, say, Hiruko. Kuma-san doesn't shoot out poisonous needles."

"No, but 'Kuma-san' has enough sand stuffed inside its stomach for you to crush someone's skull. Also," Sasori added, eyes narrowed. "Insult my art again and I'll kill you."

"I doubt that any of your senbon would be able to pierce my Ultimate Defense."

"Why don't we put that to the test then? When I win, I'll take the utmost pleasure in testing out my newest concoctions on you, you miserable little—"

"DANNA!"

Oh, hell no. No god could be cruel enough to unleash another blond obscenity upon Sasori after the disastrous morning with his oh-so-loving siblings. But even after Sasori had prayed to whatever deity was laughing at him up there—they loved torturing him—he still came face to face with the bane of his existence. The insidious pest #2 grinned down at the slightly shorter teen and spoke in a low voice that contrasted with his… feminine appearance.

"Long time no see, yeah, Sasori no Danna?" Deidara was every bit as happy, bouncy, annoying, and grating on Sasori's nerves as he'd been the last time they met. Like always. Sasori's hand instinctively twitched towards his pocket before remembering that no, he did not have his paralytics, nor his poisons, and therefore he could not brutally stab Deidara in the eye with one of his specially made syringes, kick him down, and leave the hopefully comatose teen behind. Unfortunately for Sasori, the blond never did stay down and would always get back up to annoy him. Maybe Sasori should just rip out both of his eyes. That way, Deidara wouldn't be able to find him. Then again, knowing the pyromaniac, he probably had a 'Danna-sensing' radar or something.

As Sasori pondered on the matter, Gaara's eyes narrowed at Deidara. Much like how Sasori couldn't stand Naruto, Gaara absolutely refused to voluntarily be within ten meters of Deidara and would disappear the moment the blond appeared. Sasori wished that he could follow after his brother, but his so-called 'friend' could find him almost instantly with his self-built scope. And thus, Sasori was eternally doomed to be stuck with the blond, for he was certain that Deidara would follow him all the way to Hell and back. Pest, indeed.

"Not long enough," Sasori finally grouched, mood worsening when the residue grains of sand scratched his cheeks. Damn his brother, couldn't he teleport in a way that didn't pelt sand at the people around him? "Two days is never long enough. How the hell do you get so many missions to Suna?"

Deidara merely winked back at him, not at all insulted by Sasori's bluntness. "That's a family secret, Danna. The Iwa's have a way to everything."

I don't doubt that, Sasori thought moodily. In the long time that Sasori had known the Iwa's, they were the quirkiest and most unpredictable family alive. They showed up when you least expected them to, did the things farthest away from common sense, and generally caused chaos everywhere they went.

"But never mind that, Danna," Deidara said, flapping his hand in a dismissive manner. "I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise." Sasori let two scrolls slip into his hands, the action hidden by the long sleeves of his robes. Knowing Deidara, he would need them. The last time the blond had planned a 'surprise', the Tsuchikage had to personally come to the village and apologize to the infuriated Kazekage who was, incidentally, the Akasuna siblings' uncle. As such, when their cousins - Temari and Kankuro - invited them for a sleepover during Onoki's stay, they had had the pleasure of meeting him. Of course, Onoki was related to Deidara's family (small world), and he just happened to have injured his back or something of the sort on his way to the Hidden Sand village, meaning that they had to spend a ridiculously long time listening to the old man's complaints. The old geezer rivaled the eldest of the Iwa siblings in the art of bitching.

"Yup!" Excitement practically oozed out of Deidara, from the disgusting way his blue eyes (trademark of the Iwa siblings, along with blond hair) sparkled to the way he skipped in circles around Sasori. That did not assure Sasori in the least. "But we'll have to get back to your house first, yeah?"

Sasori mulled over his options. The most obvious and tempting choice was to get the hell out of there, but that had several consequences, including the beat down Sakura had promised if he so much as stepped out of the village gates. Why in the world she'd suddenly decided to ban him from going out, he had no idea, but Sasori wasn't about to risk getting stuck in the hospital for months – again.

He could also try and bullshit his way out of this, of course, but Deidara somehow always knew his schedule, so that wouldn't work. The blond's stalking skills were not to be underestimated.

The last and only available alternate would be to go along with whatever Deidara had in mind. Not only would Sasori be able to spot anything that was off instantly (it was his house, after all), but there was also the slim chance that he could somehow slip past Deidara when he wasn't paying attention and activate all the 'special' traps he'd set up a few weeks ago. Yeah, that sounded pretty good. He'd been itching to try that new toxic-rigged pitfall out anyways…

"Fine, but make it quick."

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Turns out that Deidara had only wanted to pick up the blindfold that he had, for some reason, stashed in his house during his last visit. So he was now being led on a death march with Deidara being his only way to navigate around.

Joy.

"You're absolutely certain that this is necessary?"

"Well, I did say that it's a surprise. And stop whining, Danna. You're starting to sound like Ino."

"Don't even go there, brat. She's the most insufferable woman in the Elemental Nations. Even you pale in comparison."

"Hey! You're talking about my sister here!"

"Tch, whatever. We there yet?" Sasori grouched. Being blindfolded was something that he hadn't accounted for, and now his senses were working overtime trying to detect any signs of danger. The scrolls he kept clutched in his hands offered meager comfort. Not much, but he supposed that it was better than nothing.

Deidara 'tut'ed behind him, keeping his hands on Sasori's shoulders, steering him. "Impatient as ever, Danna. But yeah, we're almost there. Just a few more turns."

'A few more turns' turned out to be a fucking maze, and Sasori was rapidly running out of the little patience that he'd been more or less forced to develop in order to put up with Deidara without attempting to commit suicide every other five minutes. "Oi, brat, where the hell are you taking me – "

Then Deidara's hands were gone and the hair at the base of Sasori's skull shot up in alarm. Within seconds, both scrolls were unrolled, and two of his best creations poofed into existence. Keeping one hand in front of him to control both puppets, Sasori reached a hand up, cursing when the knot holding the blindfold tightly around his head refused to give way. He would have slashed it off with a kunai, but he'd unfortunately neglected to bring any weapons along. The only sharp objects nearby were hidden in his puppets and laced with poison. Yeah, Sasori wasn't going to take the chance, no matter how skilled he was.

"What the hell is this, brat?!" Sasori shouted, senses focused on the unidentifiable presence somewhere in front of him.

Through the adrenaline-induced roaring in his ears (the blindfold only enhanced it), Sasori faintly heard Deidara shout.

"Calm down a bit, Danna! It's nothing harmful!"

"Like hell!" Sasori shot back, retrieving another scroll from inside of his robes. The other hand stayed up, ready to defend himself from any threats. "The last time you said that, Gaara got kidnapped, and I almost died from a fucking hole in my stomach!"

"That was only once, yeah? And besides, this time's different. It's part of the surprise! We're just trying to – "

But just then, the presence in front of Sasori moved and the red head snapped into action. With a flick of his thumb and ring finger, the puppet to Sasori's right flew straight towards whoever it was. Hidden compartments in the insides of its wrists popped open, propelling poisonous projectiles in his/her/its approximate direction. The thin fractions of chakra strings Sasori had attached to them sent no signals back to the puppeteer, and he clenched his jaw in annoyance. Fighting blind was a hassle.

Detaching the tiny chakra strings, Sasori merged them back into a single thread before he split them again, spreading them around him at every angle. A few to his left tugged slightly, leaving a tingling feeling on the index finger Sasori was using to direct the tiny 'feelers'. With a quick swing of his arm, the first puppet was in a defensive position in front of Sasori, while the second one rushed to intercept the opponent. This time, Sasori unhinged a jaw, releasing a long chord he'd recently installed. Latching 'feelers' from two fingers onto the chord, Sasori directed it to whip in an arc to his left. Again, no contact.

The air around the chord's 'feelers' on the right was disturbed, and Sasori immediately activated his third scroll, hastily shot out strings from his now-free hands' fingers, and flung the newest addition into battle. At the same time, he lashed the chord out again, hoping to at least snare a bit of flesh with the spikes covering it. His frustration mounted when that didn't work either.

Then Sasori's ears picked up the tell-tale whistling sound of a sharp weapon slicing through the air, and he twisted to the side to avoid it. The kunai – or at least, he thought that it was one - barely missed his right bicep and Sasori retaliated with a pincer attack performed by his first two puppets, holding the last one back for defense. This time, his 'feelers' detected something, but from the feel of it, he'd only succeeded in tearing off a piece of clothing from his opponent.

Suddenly, more presences popped up around Sasori, all of them moving fast. Before he could react, they'd surrounded him, and an unpleasant feeling spread through both of his hands when all of his strings were abruptly disconnected.

At this, Sasori's eyes widened. Wait – the only people who know my style well enough to do that are –

The next moment, Sasori had to shield his eyes with one hand when sunlight suddenly pierced into them. Damn, the blindfold had been on for so long that his eyes had grown sensitive. Just how long had it taken Deidara and him to get here, wherever 'here' was?

At the thought, Sasori immediately snapped his eyes open in search of the blond annoyance. However, his anger temporarily gave way to surprise when he saw just who the group that had been surrounding him was.

"… what?"

"Oh, fuck you, Sasori! You are so dead! You almost sliced my head clean off!"

Blinking slowly as confusion slowly began catching up to him, Sasori stared down at the silver-haired teen who was spewing profanities at him from his position on the ground, noticing that he was missing a corner of his cloak's collar. And, judging by the kunai in his hand, he'd been the one to slice the blindfold apart. "… Hidan?"

Said boy immediately shot him a peeved look. "Yes, me, you shithead. Hidan, the greatest and loyalist Jashinist in the entire world? You know, the one who you hang out with every fucking weekend, and the one you almost decapitated?!"

Sasori chose not to reply. Any words would just be rebounded out of Hidan's head, as hot-headed as he was. The red head also chose to not point out how it wouldn't even really matter if he'd decapitated him, since Hidan was, pretty much, indestructible. Instead, he let his gaze travel out to the amused group now packed in the clearing they were in. Some people he was indifferent to, but a few confused him. And seeing as how most of them didn't even look like they were going to bother enlightening him, Sasori chose the most logical person to explain.

"Itachi."

The Uchiha let a faint smile flicker through his face and nodded slightly. "Happy birthday, Sasori."

"…" Well, that did explain the confiscation of his poisonous weapons, and Sakura's ban. Without them, he would have tried escaping the village for the day and, in the event of that failing, attempted murdering all of his 'friends'.

"You forgot, didn't you?" Itachi had obviously figured that out.

The birthday boy's face was scrunched up with visible annoyance. "So I did. But this is, by far, the most screwed up birthday party I have ever had."

Kisame shrugged from behind Itachi. "You know Hidan. Wouldn't be a party without at least some bloodshed."

"But really, did you have to freak out like that?" Ah, Ino. His day – sorry, birthday, really couldn't get any worse. "You almost poisoned half of us."

Deidara nodded next to his sister, gesturing at the pastry he held. "And the cake. You almost got a butchered and poisonous birthday cake, Danna."

Sasori's fingers twitched.

"Yeah, you jerk! Gaara had to use his sand to cover us!" The blond brat next to his brother stuck his tongue out at Sasori, whiskered cheeks stretched out by chubby fingers. Looking at Naruto's idiotic but taunting expression made Sasori feel especially sore about Sakura confiscating his venoms. If only he could just shove a vial of his most potent scorpion combination down that rascal's throat… It would make his life that much easier.

Finally, Sasori sighed and recalled the motionless puppets into his scrolls. "So, other than the entire gang showing up with the most hazardous family in the world – (here, he glowered at the Iwa family, receiving three identical blue glares in return) – what else have you guys planned to ruin my day?"

"Not day, Sasori. Days."

Sasori's relaxed muscles immediately tensed up again, and he felt the same dread from this morning chill his bones. His painstakingly honed 'danger-senses' didn't fail him, and Sakura soon stepped into the clearing, a very unsettling smirk on her face.

"The rest will show up tomorrow. But now, it's time for my birthday present for you, Sasori."

Sasori tried to gulp in an inconspicuous way. "Present…?"

If possible, Sakura's smirk grew even more sinister. "Didn't you realize, Sasori? You're in a forest… and Suna's a dessert."

Sasori caught on instantly, and his normally lazy looking eyes widened with horror. Oh… shit.

"Congratulations for finally turning fifteen, brother dear."

He spent the rest of his birthday and the day after that in the hospital. At least Sakura had been (it pained him to even say this) nice enough to use her medic skills to cut the recovery time from a week to just a day. Never mind the fact that she was the one who landed him in the hospital in the first place.

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A/N: I think that I like torturing my favorite characters just a bit too much…

So, this was just a small experiment, a sneak peek into an original alternate universe (with highly screwed up family trees. I mean, come on: Ino, Deidara, and Naruto – a family?! Not to mention who Hidan's related to… but that's a story for another time). I might write a few more one shots if I get some more inspiration, but who knows *shrugs*.

Oh, and that thing Sasori was using, the 'feelers'? It's something I came up with on my own. It just kind of made sense to me. Sasori's human in this universe (like Sakura would ever let him turn himself into a puppet, she's a tiger mom, guys, and a damn scary one), so I wanted him to be exceptional in his own way. Basically, he splits one chakra string into a lot of smaller ones. Of course, there's a limit to how may he can split them into (it takes an incredible amount of concentration and chakra control to do), but I've always found it stupid that even Chiyo, a puppet master, was limited to ten puppets.

Hope you enjoyed reading this, and review!