Every Love That Could Have Been
Summary: Kendall and James can't figure out what they want. It is too bad Jett and Dak are involved. Indecisions wreck a lifetime of heartache on everyone.
Pairing: Kendall/Jett/James/Dak, brief Carlos/Logan
Rating: M
Chapter One
i want to kill you like only a best friend could
-Brand New, seventy times seven
When James tells them over breakfast he is dating Dak Zevon, Carlos gets a face full of orange juice courtesy of a choking Logan. Mrs. Knight flusters and excuses herself. Kendall is sure she's gone off to buy more parenting magazines. "That's hot," Katie says. And Kendall, well, Kendall doesn't really say much at all. He manages, "pass the syrup" and continues eating pancakes amidst the startling revelation.
Katie won't stop asking questions about Dak. Carlos and Logan are stuck at the gay part. Kendall suspects they are trying to outdo each other by screaming "what" repeatedly.
"Kendall?" Logan's eyes are pleading.
He knows Logan is waiting for his input. He shrugs instead, another 3 pancakes pile onto his plate. It's not his place.
"Seriously?" Carlos wails, his hands thrown in the air, fork still in hand. Kendall can see pieces of scrabbled eggs hit Logan squarely in the chest.
"What?" James shrugs, "Dak is hot."
As if that's a fair way to come out to your best friends. Kendall rolls his eyes.
"What Kendall?" James doesn't look too pleased, "You have something to say?"
"Nope," he scoffs down another mouthful, chewing dramatically to drive the point.
Kendall tells the guys he's sick that day. Really he just doesn't want to leave the house. But the lie starts to feel true. It could have been the monstrous stack pancakes he just devoured. When they leave for the studio he stays huddled on the couch.
Maybe it's because he misses Jo or the fact that it's the first time that even Carlos has a more active love life than him. Kendall decides he doesn't want to hear about James and Dak. He'll stay on the couch all day and avoid curious Carlos and Logan.
His plan is flawed. Gustavo never wants to deal with the dogs without Kendall. It doesn't even take more than half an hour for Gustavo to send them home. The interrogation moves itself back into Kendall's presence. He stares blankly at the TV as Carlos and Logan fire off questions so fast he doesn't know how they expect James to respond.
"Dude, when did this happen?" Logan yells.
"Yesterday."
"And you're telling us now?"
"I came back really late last night." James shrugs.
Logan cringes, "Urgh, I don't want to know."
"I do!" Carlos shouts, "How do you know you're gay?"
His tone is pleading. He might as well have asked, "Are you sure?"
James shrugs again, "Dak is like, really hot. Come on, you can't deny it."
"Well, that's true," Carlos panics and begins to screech, "Wait, does that make me gay?"
"No, he is a good looking guy. It doesn't make you gay, Carlos" Logan reasons, "How did this come about? Where were we?"
"Around? I don't know. I run into him at the gym all the time and we started hanging out."
"So you're like 'dating' dating?"
"Like, 'Kendall' dating?" Carlos interjects.
Kendall frowns. When did his name become synonymous with serious dating? He wanted to point out how long he's been single.
James just nods.
"Are you going to spend all of your time with him now?" Carlos pouts.
"So you're like really together?" Logan asks again for emphasis.
"Yeah, but I mean, he's not like publically gay or anything. That would probably ruin his career right now." Yours too, Kendall thinks.
"But it's whatever. I mean, he's really hot." James grins.
"Seriously? That's the only reason?" Logan judges.
"No," James grin, "He's also a really good kisser."
Kendall's had enough.
"Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to watch TV here."
Logan quirks an eyebrow at him, "Dude, you know you're watching Maury, right?"
Kendall hadn't paid attention since they walked in.
"Damn it Logan. Now I'll never know if Darryl is the father." He says instead. He throws down the remote and stalks out of the apartment. He doesn't miss the look James gives him.
It's a quiet day down at the pool. Kendall is ready to take a nap and not be bothered by silly dating questions except –
"Did you know Dak and James are dating?"
He groans, "Hey there, Jett."
He forces a grin and closes his eyes again. Maybe Jett will take the hint. Unlikely.
Jett forcibly shoves Kendall over and sits himself at the edge of his sunbed. Kendall looks from side to side at all the other empty chairs beside them.
"I don't like it." Jett states.
"Why does it matter to you?" Fuck, is it National Coming Out day?
Jett hesitates for a moment, "I just don't. It's weird."
"Wait, how did you know James and Dak are dating?" Kendall asks.
If they've already been found out they really suck at this 'keeping it a secret' thing. James really has no idea what he's in for. Kendall can almost make out the sound of a million fan girls sharpening their pitchforks.
"Dak told me."
"I didn't know you guys were close." Kendall didn't even know they were friends.
"It's…" Jett trails, searching for the word, "whatever."
Eloquent, Kendall thinks.
"My first role was on Varsity Vampire."
Oh, right, that stupid movie. Kendall swears he'll kill himself if Katie plays "Creatures of the Net" just one more time.
"Did you endure the 'Zevon Method' also?" Kendall asks, recalling their teen idol boot camp.
"Like, duh." Jett rolls his eyes.
"Do you like Dak?" Kendall asks bluntly. He has no patience to go around in circles. He doesn't particularly care to get involved in bizarre love triangles either.
Jett scoffs and scrunches his nose. He's trying to look disgusted but he just looks nervous instead.
Kendall raises an eyebrow.
"Well, he is hot." Jett confesses.
Kendall groans. Those words have been repeated far too many times today. He was half hoping for a confession of love or something more…moving. He doesn't know what he expected. Jett is the only person he knows who is as shallow as James.
"Well? That's too bad." Kendall smiles, "Okay. Bye now."
Kendall sinks further into the chair and closes his eyes.
"Huh, you say that, but you don't sound too concerned."
"That's because I'm not."
"Dude, you've got to help me break them up." Jett pleads, he's actually pouting and giving Kendall puppy dog eyes. It makes Kendall all sorts of uncomfortable.
"Alright, okay, bye Jett." Kendall gets up and leaves. It seemed like a good idea. Until Kendall remembers he has nowhere to go.
Kendall doesn't hate Dak Zevon, persay, but if one were to say he wouldn't mind stepping on Dak with the blades of his hockey skates, well, they wouldn't be wrong either.
Dak is everywhere. I mean, literally. Dak Zevon is everywhere. He's on the cover of every teen magazine pushing Big Time Rush into the corner. He's on every billboard Kendall sees on the way to the studio. He's on morning shows, entertainment news shows, late night talk shows; Kendall even caught his guest spot on Sesame Street one afternoon.
Dak flirts shamelessly in his interviews. Pouts as he gives scripted answers about still searching for the right girl all the while sitting next to James on the couch five feet from Kendall. He doesn't know what's more sickening, the fact that these two are living a lie or the fact that Dak is vain enough to make James watch himself on television.
"Dak is telling me about the do's and don'ts of interviews," James smiles over at him, "He really knows what he's talking about."
James finds everything Dak says interesting. Kendall swears their relationship is nothing then a mentorship on fame. Kendall doesn't know how James isn't jealous. They work their butts off and Dak is infinitely more famous. Besides, James is much prettier and more deserving of poster centerspreads. Kendall doesn't get it.
Kendall doesn't care at all that James is gay. Let's be honest, James' sexuality has always been questionable. There are times when Kendall thinks the metro primping is an over the top ploy to get girls but most of the time Kendall thinks James might as well write 'homo' across his forehead. Kendall has always suspected. Really, it came as no surprise. He's spent a lot of his life waiting for James to just come to terms with it.
He didn't expect for James to come out and right into the arms of Dak Zevon.
It's weird, okay? Dak is on a whole different caliber of success. He doesn't really understand what Dak is doing with James except maybe because James is really pretty. Which makes it even weirder because it's like watching two narcissistic pretty boys feed off each other's pretty.
They do nothing but talk about themselves. Kendall is sure most of their dates are at the gym. When they do sit closer on the couch, or what Kendall assumes is their attempt at cuddling, it's like watching two models try to outdo each other in poses. It's like they have to look perfect all the times. They can't seem to relax, their bodies don't fit, and it's awkward.
It makes Kendall feel all weird. Cringe-worthy. That's the word.
But, besides all that, he doesn't really care about who James dates. No, really.
What he does care about is the band. Since Dak, James is on a one-track mind to fame regardless of whether it's with or without Big Time Rush. Singing and dancing has taken last priority to James. Kendall knows it isn't right. There are parties, like, every night and James is so adamant on getting his picture taken.
"Dak says that's how you make it in Hollywood," James explains, "You've got to be seen."
James goes to every single red carpet event Dak tells him to. Logan and Carlos tag along almost everywhere. They think James invites them for the girls. Kendall is almost certain James just need them so he is never caught alone with Dak.
Kendall tries going out with them, but it doesn't take long before he realizes Hollywood parties are, like, really boring and the people are, like, really fake. It's being in a room full of Jennifers. There are a lot of things Kendall would rather be doing. Stand in quicksand, for example.
When James and his third and fourth wheel aren't out meeting up with Dak at one event or another Dak is over in their apartment. He's always around.
Kendall doesn't like to lose or come second best to anyone but how do you compete with fucking Dak Zevon? Second best to James in looks? That's fine, Kendall is smarter. Second best to Logan in intelligence? Well, Logan is a scared-y cat. Let's not talk about Carlos. But Dak is the whole package.
Katie is in love with him. Carlos worships him for all the girls he sends Carlos' way. See, Dak is pretty. But unlike James, he's also smart. He can hold a conversation with Logan about nerdy things and charm the pants off his mom. Which is just an expression, he reminds himself, just an expression. Thank God Dak is gay.
Even his closest friends and family seem to prefer Dak. It feels like Dak has taken over his entire life. He might as well have entered some alternate universe where he doesn't exist.
Kendall knows he's being unfair because they are always so inclusive. He wants to say something but the worst part is there's no way going about this without appearing like a jackass, or worst, jealous.
"Are you avoiding me?" James asks him one afternoon.
Kendall dramatically scoffs, "Uh, no? Why would you say that?"
"Kendall, I haven't seen you in weeks."
"We live together. I see you every day."
"Yeah, but you haven't hung out with us in a long time. You're never around. You don't go out with us. Do you have a problem with Dak?"
"No, I love Dak!" Kendall lies instinctively.
"Are you jealous?" James smirks.
"Excuse me?" Kendall's mind is reeling. Where is James getting this?
"Admit it, you're totally jealous I have the hottest boyfriend in Hollywood. You're gay for Dak!" James grins.
Kendall wants nothing more than to punch James when he gets this arrogant.
"I am not jealous!"
"You are. You're totally jealous of me." James counters. Then he all but sings, "Kendall is jealous. I have the hottest boyfriend. Kendall is -"
"I'm going to hit you now." He lunges towards James, who has already squealed and ran away.
Kendall is fuming. Fuck Dak Zevon. And fuck James. He is not jealous. Kendall contemplates seducing Dak just knock James down a notch. Then he realizes how stupid that is. He doesn't even like Dak. Kendall's just not used to losing.
Kendall is desperate. Which is the only reason why he would ever consider this.
"Kendall?"
Kendall groans. This could be the worst idea he's ever had.
"Alright, let's do this. Let's break them up."
Jett smiles, "About time."