This fic is part of a series - Please refer to my profile for where this falls in the timeline. This can be read as a stand-alone, but we are reaching the point in the timeline where things might start to get confusing to readers who pick up in the middle. I would at least go back and read Gray Areas, but I don't think you will be totally lost if you want to start here.

Anyway, I wasn't sure for a long time how to go about posting this because it is broken down by date into smaller sections, so I hope the flow is easy enough to follow. I will post this in parts, and it is a work in progress so I will post as I am able - I have a full time job and a toddler, so I am not always able to sit down and write when I want to.

This is going to be a rough ride, but please hang in there! I hope you enjoy it, and thanks again for reading. :)

-Disclaimery thingy-

September 6, 2016

When Sayu was younger, she always imagined that when she had a baby, it would be a wonderful, magical experience. She would be the first one to reach down and touch her baby as it was pushed from her body. She would be the first one to hold it, the first one to smile at it, the first one to kiss it. She would be crying tears of joy and all the pain she had endured would be nothing compared to the awe of bringing new life into the world. And her husband would be there right along with her, shedding tears of his own. He would be holding her hand, stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, telling her how much he loved her, and thanking her for giving him a child. They would be this picturesque little family, complete with smiles and nothing but bright futures ahead.

But as Sayu had learned years ago, when her father first started spending more and more time away from home on the Kira case, things in her life were never going to play out like the perfect little fairy tale she had always dreamed of. Instead of sharing the experience of childbirth with the man she loved, she was experiencing it alone, alone even as she had the support of her mother at her side. As she bore down to deliver the first of the twins, she found herself straining and whimpering in solitude. There was no loving support from the father of her children, no shared tears of joy, no paternal gratitude, and it was all by her choice - a choice over which should could not help but feel a sharp stab of regret when she gave one final cry and felt her firstborn exit her womb and enter the world. It was a choice she lamented deeply when the infant began to cry its gurgling newborn cries, announcing to the world that it was here, it was here after 39 long weeks of being tucked away, hidden, hiding like Sayu wished she could be doing right now.

Hiding was the last thing she was able to do as she lay splayed out, legs draped wide open to allow access for all the medical staff in the room. Hiding was not something she was able to do when her mother came over with the first of the twins and tried to settle the baby down against her breast. Sayu tried to turn her head, eyes squeezed shut and shaking her head because she could not bear to look, could not bear to see the final result of the love she and her Nate had shared before everything had gone to hell. She tried to turn away to allow herself even a moment of grief, but her mother was there, gripping her arm hard to get her attention, telling her that she understood her pain, telling her that she had a responsibility to the tiny human she had just given birth to, telling her that the baby was hungry and needed to learn how to feed from her breast right away, right away while there was time for them both to rest and bond before the second baby came.

But she couldn't do it. All she could do was shake her head and sob in response, overcome with not only hormones and an emotional pain that reached deep inside of her and twisted until she could feel herself breaking to pieces all over again, but also a lingering, physical pain, pain that was coursing throughout her entire body at this point and also a shooting, flaming pain emanating from her loins and midsection, as she was still experiencing contractions. It was not over yet - there was another baby to push out soon, soon so she had to get to work feeding the first baby while she could.

While she had her head turned away, she heard a huff from her mother followed by someone tugging the front of her gown open and then warm, damp flesh settling against her own. Finally, she was able to break herself out of her aggrieved state, at least long enough to gaze upon the child, her child, Nate's child, and take it as she listened to instructions from her mother on how to get the baby to latch on and feed. Shaking, she tried her best to ignore the searing pain about her midsection and cradle the baby, trying to follow the instructions she was being given and feeling the tiny mouth open against her breast, searching on instinct.

She felt hot tears roll down her cheeks and her chest hitch as she watched the newborn feed for the first time. She heard herself ask for the sex of the baby and felt a bit of shame that she had not heard the original announcement because she had been too wrapped up in her own grief. She released a sound that was halfway between a sob and a sigh when her mother gently told her that her firstborn was a girl, a girl like she had always wanted. She brought a hand up and brushed her fingers through her daughter's mess of thick, dark hair, feeling herself begin to smile for the first time since the night before, when her contractions had started. The tears did not stop but only seemed to increase as she felt the gentle pull at her breast from the suckling infant. They flowed even steadier still when her daughter finally opened her eyes, their eyes meeting for the first time. Sayu had just enough time to catch a glimpse of their misty gray color before she was being told that it was time to deliver the second baby.

Her mother came over and took away her daughter, handing her back to one of the medical staff so that they could perform more of their checks on her, and then her mother was right back by her side, taking her hand and helping her through the birth of the second baby. Although it was still painful, though not as painful as the first time around, the second baby was free from her womb with much less effort than the first. She could see that this one was a bit smaller than the first, but everything seemed to be in order because they informed her that it was a boy and apparently he was just fine because he was already letting the world know just how well his lungs worked. This one she did reach out for, impatient even as they waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing so that they could sever it and hand over the baby.

Once he was settled in her arms, Sayu repeated her earlier actions and helped the baby to latch on, also reaching up with her free arm to touch the baby's soft tufts of hair, hair that was also dark, although a bit lighter than his sister's. Her son made a few soft, contented noises while he nursed, but soon the medical staff were wanting to take him as well to get him more cleaned up.

She allowed them to take him and leaned her head back against the bed, giving herself a moment to breathe while she waited for them to next deliver the placentas. She closed her eyes and focused on her own breathing, still not fully able to grasp the fact that she was now a mother. It was definitely not where she had seen herself this time the previous year. She felt too broken by everything to be anyone's mother, too broken even to love again, and until just a few moments ago, she was not even sure she would be able to love her own children. How could she love the children of the man who had betrayed her and broken her heart? A man who, after all this time, still had nothing to say to her.

As she lay back and felt her body tremble from the immense strain of childbirth, she reflected that once upon a time she thought she knew everything there was to know about love. Love was telling her parents she loved them every day before leaving for school – not out of habit, but because if something were to happen to her or to her parents, she wanted her last words to them to be a reminder of how much she loved them. Love was fondly remembering all the times she had asked her brother for help with her schoolwork, and how he had always been willing to help her, even after the many times she had gotten distracted and then cut out in the middle of things – how she would always return later to find the project finished for her. Love was what she and Nate had shared for eight wonderful months, using what was left of their broken selves to help heal each other. Love was also the grief that accompanied the loss of all those things.

And now she could add that love was being able to care for the children that had been born from the loss of her other half.

October 8, 2016

It was a good month before Sayu's mother would allow any visitors to see her or the twins, something which Sayu actually felt grateful for despite the fact that she was practically under house arrest. She was going through enough of an emotional roller coaster as it was, as well as all but ripping her hair out over trying to establish a rhythm with caring for the twins – not to mention the constant ups and downs during the night not only to tend to their needs, but also a persistent paranoia that someone would break in and steal her children from her side kept her up all night. Sometimes she could only sleep if she dragged out her blanket and pillows to the living room floor and slept there with the twins, so she would be able to hear better and respond faster should anyone try to break in through the front door.

Needless to say, the last thing she wanted to do was try to hold herself together in front of guests. Lucky for her, though, the only one of her friends who seemed truly interested in visiting was Matsuda – he texted her at least every other day to see how she was doing and to ask about the babies, so she figured it would be okay to let him come by for a visit. Besides, he was probably the only one who would not judge her for her current state of disarray.

Sayu was in the middle of folding laundry and her mother was tinkering around the kitchen with dinner when Matsuda showed up that evening, bearing a beautifully wrapped gift of money for Sayu and a pair of stuffed animals for the twins. Sayu accepted the gifts with some reluctance.

"You didn't have to do that," she said.

"Oh, pft," Matsuda shrugged, waving away her modesty, "I want you to have it."

Sayu smiled at him and led him to her children, who were sleeping together in a bassinet in the living room. He looked at them longingly, as if he wanted to hold one but was too afraid to ask, so Sayu prompted him by saying, "Would you like to hold one?"

Matsuda gulped, obviously nervous, and said, "You're okay with that?"

"Sure. I mean, you have held a baby before, haven't you?"

"Erm… Actually, no.. I haven't," he said, rubbing the back of his neck and turning a slight shade of pink.

"Well," Sayu said with a sigh, "Why don't you start with Soichiro? He's not as squirmy as Chihiro can be. And he ate not that long ago, so he will probably stay asleep."

"Okay," Matsuda said. "Um.. which one is-..?"

"Here," she said as she scooped up her son and showed Matsuda how to hold him. "Careful, you have to support his head."

"Got it.. I think," Matsuda said as he reached out to receive the baby.

"You think?" Sayu said with a raised eyebrow, "If you aren't sure, then give-.."

"No, no, I've got him, Sayu. I won't drop him, I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. See, look. He's still sleeping. That must mean I'm doing something right.. right?"

"Or he's too full to care."

"Ha ha," Matsuda said with a dry laugh, but was smiling nonetheless.

Sayu smiled back at him. "Here, why don't you trying holding him like this?" she suggested as she picked up her daughter. She demonstrated by positioning the baby tummy-down against her chest so that the baby's head was resting above her heart, and then leaning back against the couch. The little girl remained asleep throughout all the movement. "They like listening to your heartbeat."

"Yeah? Okay," Matsuda said and followed suit with the boy. He smiled as the baby made a small noise and shifted, but otherwise remained content and asleep.

For several minutes, the only sounds were the various clinks and clangs of Sayu's mother in the kitchen as she prepared dinner and the television news playing at half-volume in the background.

"There's just something about holding a baby, isn't there?" Matsuda whispered, breaking the relative silence. "They really are something else, Sayu. Really. Great work."

Sayu made a soft noise in response, but otherwise had nothing to say. Even as Matsuda was smiling and content, looking like quite the father himself, Sayu could not feel any joy in the moment. She was grateful for her children now that they were here and all, but the very image of Matsuda cuddling up with her son instead of the baby's actual father tore deeply into her. Not that she wasn't grateful to have Matsuda as a friend, but there was something unfair about sharing this moment with him instead of Nate.

Even after everything, she felt a deep sense of loss and regret and still wondered if her decision to not tell Nate about the babies was the right one. She wondered where he was at that very moment, what case he was working on, if he was thinking of her at all… Probably not. He was probably happy to be rid of her, free again to focus all of his attention on his cases without having to worry about her, a civilian, finding out anything else. Despite how interested he had been in her, she knew he would never be interested in children. The World's Greatest Detective, solving crimes and chasing after children at the same time? She couldn't picture it.

It was all she could do to keep her emotions in check. She held her daughter against her, buried her nose against the baby's cheek, and inhaled, taking in the pleasant, sweet scent that was ingrained in her memory.

"Sayu?" Matsuda whispered, so as not to disturb the baby resting against his chest, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she replied just as quietly, though of course it was a lie. Nothing felt all right.

December 24, 2016

Do you mind if I swing by after work?

Sayu looked down at the twins as they were latched on, feeding, and thought about it for a moment before responding.

Sure. What time?

Probably not until 6 or 7. That okay?

I guess that's fine. Do I need to ask my mom to make dinner for you too?

Nope. Tell your mom not to cook. I'm bringing KFC.

Sayu's mouth instantly watered. She hadn't had any junk food to eat in.. well, since she had told her mother about her pregnancy.

Not fair. That sounds so good, but my mom would never let me have any.

Why not?

She has me on a strict diet while breast feeding.

A slightly longer delay than normal and then-

TMI.

Sayu chuckled at his response, the movements causing the twins to open their eyes and blink up at her. It felt good to laugh, though, especially with the mood swings she was going through as her hormones re-stabilized. She couldn't wait for this postpartum crap to be over with, and then maybe she would at least start to feel somewhat normal again instead of her eyes welling up with tears every time a commercial about homeless animals aired on the TV. Still, she smiled down at the babies as they continued with their gentle suckles at her breast, running her fingers through their hair a couple times, readjusting them on their pillows, and waiting for their little eyes to close again before returning to her phone.

She was about to respond when a stray thought hit her. It was practically a year ago to the day that she and Nate had last been together. She could hardly believe that a whole year had passed since the last time she had seen him and the thought felt like a needle in her heart. Unfortunately, she could remember in great detail the two wonderful, breath-taking days Nate had spent with her at her apartment, as she had been living on her own at the time. Not only had they missed each other, but it was Christmas, and as a result, they had hardly spent even a moment apart from one another. They had been simply insatiable, both making up for lost time and taking advantage of the time they had before he went away on another case. It was time she had cherished all the way up until she ended things between them over his deception about her brother and the Kira case.

The realization that this would have been when she conceived the twins was unavoidable. She had never given it much thought before, but now that the thought was there, it stood out apart from anything else in her mind. Any joy she had been feeling just moments ago dried up and left her with eyes burning from tears she refused to shed. A sharp sob ultimately did escape her, again startling the twins, the two physical reminders of the last time she and Nate had been together.

Would she ever be able to separate her thoughts of Nate from her children? Some days she was too busy to notice, but others it seemed like every little thing reminded her of him and it was almost crippling. She felt pathetic – here she was almost a year later after their break-up and she was still hung up on him. Sometimes, in the very early morning when she was just starting to wake up, she would think about calling him. Once she woke up fully, though, she would realize what a bad idea that was. She supposed she could actually call him - if the number he had given her still worked - but what would she say? Merry Christmas, you're a father, sorry I didn't tell you sooner? No, it was past the point of calling him period, much less to tell him about the children.

She was pulled out of her mournful reverie by her phone buzzing with another text message.

It's Christmas – I'm sure she will let you have it.

Sayu doubted it, but she replied nonetheless, Maybe.

Don't worry, I will work my magic on her if she resists.

Well, for your sake I hope it works, because now I want the chicken and there is no going back.

LOL. So, I'll see you later, then?

Yeah. See you.

Sure enough, when Matsuda showed up later that evening bearing not only a large helping of fried chicken but also a holiday cake, Sayu's mother pressed her lips together and protested.

"Aw, c'mon, Mrs. Yagami – it's Christmas. You know you want some," Matsuda said, putting on his best charm. Sayu was sure it wasn't a coincidence that he also had the lid partially off the container, thus allowing the smell of the fried chicken to permeate the immediate area.

"That may be, but-.." Sachiko started.

"And we can't just sit here and eat it in front of Sayu without letting her have some too. And look," he went on as Sachiko opened her mouth to argue further, "I brought cake." He set said cake down on the table with flourish. "Can't you let her indulge for just one night? She works so hard with the twins."

Sayu shrugged as both her mother and Matsuda glanced over at her as she sat on the floor next to the twins, who were busy trying to figure out how to roll over.

It took a bit more prodding from Matsuda for her mother to give in, but once she did, there was no looking back. The three of them did indeed indulge on the fried chicken and then descended on the cake, until Sayu felt so full she felt like a swollen tick. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so full. The feeling left her feeling warm, pleasant, and just a little bit more jovial than earlier. Her thoughts did keep trying to go back to Nate, but she forced herself to listen to the conversation of current events between the other two adults while she held Soichiro against her shoulder.

"Mrs. Yagami, can you take Chihiro for a moment?" Matsuda said as he stood and handed over said baby, "I forgot something in my car. I'll be back in a flash."

Sayu's mother accepted her granddaughter with a raised eyebrow, "Okay..."

Moments later, Sayu and her mother exchanged a concerned, befuddled look when they heard strange banging and grunting noises coming from beyond the front door. What on earth was he doing? Sayu was not sure she even wanted to know, but she was sure he was going to wake up the entire neighborhood, those who were already asleep, anyway. When Matsuda all but kicked in the door with a large, wrapped box in tow, Sayu said, "What in the hell is that?"

"Sayu," her mother warned, indicating with her eyes to watch her mouth around the babies.

"Sorry. My question still stands."

"Open it and find out," Matsuda replied with that big, goofy grin of his.

Although she felt awkward, Sayu peeled off the wrapping of the box to reveal a large, cumbersome vacuum cleaner of some sort. After examining it, she quirked an eyebrow at it, "..Is this that vacuum they have been advertising on the home shopping network for the last two weeks?"

Matsuda blushed, "Well, yeah - they said it was really popular this year. It can pick up bowling balls!"

Sayu smirked, "Right, because I have a problem with spilling bowling balls all over my floor all the time."

"Well I was thinking, since you have little ones crawling around.. you need a really good vacuum cleaner, that's all. I mean, if it can pick up a bowling ball, imagine what else it can pick up."

Sayu smiled at his thoughtfulness, but then felt immediately bad, "Thank you, Matsuda, it's very thoughtful of you, but-.. I'm afraid I didn't get anything for you."

"Sayu, it's fine," he said, grinning, "I didn't get it for you expecting anything back." There was a moment of silence between them before Matsuda then said, "Are you sure you don't think it sucks?"

"I thought that was the purpose of a vacuum."

Matsuda blinked at her, not getting it at first, but when he did his puzzled expression melted away into laughter. Sayu found herself laughing along with him and it was an honest, good feeling. It was just what she needed.

May 14, 2017

"Sayu! Did you hear that? Soichiro just said 'Dada'!" Matsuda exclaimed from his spot on the floor next to said child.

"I did not," Sayu replied, distracted as she was with carefully constructing several stuffed green bell peppers and placing them in a heated pan on top of the stove. Her mother was working at the bakery again today, thus leaving her to prepare lunch, but as luck would have it, Matsuda had some free time and asked if he could stop by for a visit. Sayu had gratefully accepted, as having to wrangle two children with recently acquired mobility while trying to prepare lunch was no easy task. At least now Chihiro was sleeping after her recent feeding, but her son was too restless, too excited by his newfound ability to crawl to sleep for the time being.

"You didn't? Oh. Here, maybe he'll do it again," he said and turned back towards her son, "Hey, Soichiro, can you say 'Dada' again? Dada?"

"Daaaa-daaa," the little boy sang. Sayu stopped what she was doing and stared at the pair as they sat on the floor. "Dadadadada!" he repeated, his copper eyes gleaming in delight as he did so.

"See, he did it again!" Matsuda said, beaming, and then looked back to Soichiro, grabbing his hands and making him do a little wiggle jig, "Good job, kiddo!"

Sayu felt her heart sink. While Chihiro was still mostly quiet, Soichiro had been chattering away for a couple weeks now, but this was the first time he had mumbled that syllable in particular. She knew he was not saying it with any conscious connection to Matsuda as his father, but it pierced her all the same.

"He's not saying it because he thinks you're his dad," she groused, her back towards them once again, "He's just saying it because it's easy for babies to say."

There was a beat of silence before Matsuda responded, his voice subdued, "I never said he thinks I am his dad."

Sayu felt angered by the situation. It was so unfair - why should her son be saying that to Matsuda and why should he be encouraging him? He was not the father. Before she could stop herself, she said, "Matsuda, I appreciate you as my friend and I know how much you like the children, but.. I don't want them to grow up confused."

"What do you mean? What have I done to confuse them?"

"They really-... gravitate towards you," she said. Matsuda blinked at her, clearly not understanding what she was trying to say. "I don't want them to grow up thinking you are their father. It would confuse them."

"Why would they think that? I mean, it's not like we're married or anything," he said with a small laugh.

Sayu did not return his smile. "Of course not, but you are around them a lot."

"Oh," Matsuda muttered, unable to hide his wounded expression. "So.. what do you want me to do, then? Not spend as much time with them?"

"Well-..." Sayu sighed, feeling bad because she did not want to hurt his feelings. But more than that, she did not want her children to grow up with thinking of Matsuda as their father. "..Maybe not as much time."

Sayu held back a wince as she watched her friend's eyes darken. "Oh... Okay, then. Well.. I'll just, um.. go."

"No, I don't mean leave now, I just mean.. I don't know what I mean."

There were a few moments of silence between them in which Soichiro continued his babbling and crawling around. She could hear the food sizzling and crackling behind her, but she could not break eye contact with Matsuda to check on it. Lunch was the last thing on her mind at the moment.

"Sayu, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to butt in or anything."

"I know."

More silence befell them, and the tension and discomfort between them only seemed to grow by the second.

Matsuda was the first to cave in. "Look," he mumbled as he grabbed his shoes and began putting them on, "I'll just go. You obviously have a lot on your mind, or something."

"Matsuda, no, wait. I didn't mean-.." Sayu said, hurrying over to scoop up her son and settling him against her shoulder.

"No, please, I just need to go."

Matsuda stood up, his shoes adorned, and their eyes met once again. Sayu could see the hurt swimming in his eyes and felt immediately guilty for everything she said. She felt even worse when his eyes flickered to Soichiro, who was still babbling "dadadadada" over her shoulder.

"Just-... call me when you get it sorted out," he said, whisking out the door so quickly Sayu had no time to respond or argue.

At the sound of the door closing, Chihiro began to stir. "Oh, damn it," Sayu muttered, hurrying over to check on her daughter. At the same time, she began to smell something burning and, after placing both children in the bassinet, hurried over to the stove and removed the skillet from the burner, cursing as she did so. Nothing was to be salvaged from the charred remains. She sighed as she scraped everything off into the trash. It was just as well. She hated green bell peppers anyway.

June 1, 2017

Sayu was just about to lay down for her afternoon nap with the twins when her phone went off. With a sigh, she checked the twins to make sure they were snug and secure on her bed before grabbing her phone. She was quite surprised to see that Aizawa was calling her. She immediately felt apprehensive and had to force herself to answer the call.

"What's going on?" she demanded after their shared greetings.

She heard a heavy sigh from the police chief. "It's about Matsuda."

"What happened? Is he okay?" she said, her mind automatically going to the worst of scenarios.

"I don't know. You tell me."

Caught off guard, it took her a moment to fully comprehend what had been said to her. "..What do you mean?" she asked, nonplussed.

"He has been acting very strange the last few weeks and I am almost certain it has something to do with you."

Sayu was silent, because she was also almost certain it had something to do with her – more specifically, what she had said to him a few weeks ago. Had she really upset him so much that it was affecting him at work?

"I take it you know what I am talking about," the police chief prompted.

Sayu sighed, "Maybe. I don't know."

"I don't want to pry or anything-.."

"So don't pry, then," she growled, becoming annoyed by being put on the spot like this.

"Just tell me if it's because you two broke up or whatever so I can just tell him to get over it and stop letting it affect his work."

"Broke up?" she echoed in disbelief, flinching when she realized how her voice had subconsciously raised. Afraid that she had disturbed the twins, she took a quick glance and was relieved to see that they were both still sleeping, tiny arms outstretched and looking peaceful. She would much rather be curled up napping with them than having this stupid conversation. She then lowered her voice. "You think we broke up? We were never together!"

"I'm not so sure that's what Matsuda thinks."

Sayu gaped, flabbergasted by his response. "What do you-.. How could he-… We were never together!" she repeated, now completely confused.

"Look," he said with a heavy sigh of his own, "I'm not going to pretend to know what's going on between you and him – it's not really any of my business anyway."

"Oh really?" she huffed, now irked beyond all reason, "Then why did you call me?"

"I just needed to know if the reason he is acting strange had anything to do your relationship-.."

"-..There – is – no – relationship!"

"Whatever you want to call it."

"Tell me again how this is not prying?"

Sayu interpreted the silence from the other end as meaning he was indeed prying, and a moment later she was proven correct. "Okay, I'm prying," the man admitted. "What happened?"

"What does it matter to you?"

"It matters to me because not only is Matsuda a colleague and a – god help me – a friend, but whatever is going on is obviously affecting you as well."

Something about the police chief in that moment reminded her of her father, and before she knew what she was doing, Sayu was spilling out her guts to the man, "I told Matsuda that I didn't want him spending as much time with the children because I was afraid it would confuse them one day. I appreciate him as my friend and all, but sometimes I feel like he is butting in where he doesn't belong."

She paused to see if Aizawa was going to stop her, but he said, "I'm listening," and so she obliged.

"I don't-.. I mean, I know how much Matsuda adores the children, and they seem to adore him too, but I don't want him playing the role as dad in their lives. I don't want them to grow up confused about who their father is."

There was a moment of silence before Aizawa said, "Can I ask what you plan on telling them?"

"I honestly don't know… I don't want to lie to them, but what am I supposed to say?"

"Let me give you a piece of advice, if I may."

"Okay."

"Don't lie to them when they ask – because you have to face the reality that one day they most likely will ask, regardless of whether or not Matsuda is involved."

"Right.."

"You might think they can't handle the truth, but children can be surprisingly clever, insightful, and understanding. Believe me - my own catch me off guard sometimes," he said, and under different circumstances, Sayu might have felt compelled to smile at the comment. But the thought quickly disappeared as he continued, "Now, regarding your issue with Matsuda - I doubt he is intentionally 'butting in', as you have put it."

"But he-.. Never mind. Go on."

"I have worked with Matsuda for over ten years now. He is a great man - he's honest and loyal almost to a fault. He's an even better cop because he isn't afraid to speak his mind, even when his opinions are sometimes downright outlandish. He's willing to stand up and fight for what's right, and as a detective he is great at connecting the dots on things that no on else would even think of looking at. But sometimes he can be very naive and can't see what is right in front of his face, or he takes it in the other direction and makes connections that truly are not there.

"You mean like how you assumed that he and I are together?" she interjected, raising her eyebrow.

A short pause and then, "Sayu, everyone thinks that you and him are together."

"What do you mean by 'everyone'?"

"Pretty much everyone in our department."

"Are you serious?" Sayu growled. "So, what does he go and brag about-.."

"It's nothing like that at all. He spends half the day talking about you and the kids. Especially the kids. He talks about them as if they were his own. That's how I knew something was going on – he hasn't boasted about them in several weeks. In fact, he has barely mentioned them at all."

Sayu had no idea what to say in response to that. She knew how much Matsuda adored the children, but she did not know that he was boasting about them at work. Now she felt a sting of guilt in her gut.

"I'm not trying to upset you by telling you this, Sayu," Aizawa went on, as if he had been able to read her mind. "If you don't want him being the 'father' in your children's lives, you're going to have to say that directly to him."

"I thought I pretty much did..."

"You're going to have be more blunt than whatever you said to him last time. No beating around the bush. Tell him exactly where you want him in their lives - and your life - or else he will be clueless."

"So, what do I say to the children about Matsuda? Like I said, I appreciate him as my friend and I don't want to hurt him. The children love him and I know he loves them, too, but I-..." Sayu broke off, feeling so terrible about the truth, she was not sure she could speak it. When Aizawa remained silent, the awkwardness of it forced her to continue, "I-I-... I don't.. love him. Not like that. I don't know…" She felt her face burning at the admission and pushed out a sigh, "I do care about him a lot, and I consider him my best friend, and sometimes I do think maybe things could have been different if Nate and I hadn't-… I don't know. I know part of me will always love Nate – I can't make that stop. But I don't think I am ready yet either – for a new relationship, I mean. I don't want to lead Matsuda on, and if I have, it wasn't done on purpose. I wish I knew how I screwed things up this badly."

There were several uncomfortable moments of silence between them in which Sayu could hear the chief's office chair creaking through the phone. She alleviated some of that discomfort by switching her phone to her other ear and gazing down at her two children as they slept, finding a small amount of peace in watching their little stomachs move up and down as they breathed.

"I don't think you have screwed things up, Sayu, and certainly not badly."

"Yeah, well, maybe not if you compared me to my brother…" she mumbled.

"Don't talk about yourself like that. Your mistakes and his, and how you have approached them, aren't even remotely similar. And for the record, I don't think your caution is unfounded nor do I think you are wrong for not wanting to confuse your children."

Sayu was quiet for a moment, going over everything in her mind, before she pushed out a breath of air and said, "Maybe.. I could have them call him Uncle Matsuda."

She heard Aizawa let out a short laugh too, "Now there's an idea."