/AN: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters! This is only a work of fiction. AN
"One day I want to be like you"
Those eight words that had come from a seven years old mouth had been on repeat since I had been told them not even three hours ago.
We had been in Texas on a case, where someone was kidnaping children and bodies turned up a few months after their abduction. The pattern had been that each month five children where abducted and after precisely five months their bodies had shown up. This case had been tough and the unsub had been a genius about it, but as in almost every case when things got easy, one got cocky and reckless, leaving evidence behind. We had been down here for almost a month before being able to crack the case.
When we had rescued fifteen children one of them, a young girl had come up to me, me of all persons who had been there in the rescue mission if one wanted to call it that, and told me that one day she wanted to be like me. And to make it even more surreal, she had hugged me. Children do not like me. They just do not. Except for Henry. But that was only because I am his godfather...
Those eight words still hunted me, three hours after. The team and I were finally on the jet back home. As usual Hotch was doing paper work whilst talking with Rossi. Kate, JJ and Morgan were playing poker, which I had turned down in favor of seating on my own at the other end of the plane. Everyone had looked at me with curiosity seeing as I always sat on the same part of the plane as them. But this time I needed space, and I needed to think.
Do I want someone to be like me? No. Because to be able to be like me, she has to experience the same thing as I have, and I do not wish someone to go through all that. I do not want someone to be bullied mercilessly all their childhood, nor having a father that walked out on her when she would be ten. Nor having a schizophrenic mother that loves you, but forgets that you even exist. My life before the BAU was everything but good, but once there and I had proven myself, I had gained a family. I finally had a family.
But why would someone want to be like me? I am as dysfunctional as one can get when it comes to the game of society. I have a big IQ but that often leaves me with sleepless nights and my photographic memory makes me unable to ever forget things I really would want to forget. I have seen things that I never will be able to get out of my mind.
My brooding was interrupted as someone sat in front of me.
"What is on your mind Reid?" I looked up and saw that the scenario in the plane had changed. Morgan was listening to music in his headphones, Kate and JJ was fast asleep, Rossi was reading and Hotch was seating in front of me now. I looked at him and was weighing the pros and cons of telling him. The cons would be that he would not understand, but the pro was that at least everything was not in my mind anymore. I cleared my throat.
"One of the girls today said something to me that I just cannot let go of, and that I do not understand" I replied feeling like a lost child.
"What did she say?" he asked calmly and looked at me in the way he looks at someone when he is giving them his full attention.
"One day I want to be like you." Hotch did not say anything, letting me collect my thoughts in peace.
"And I really do not understand why. She probably said it because of the adrenalin in her blood and that I was one of the first ones she saw that had no intention of hurting her. But I still do not understand why she would want to be like me. I would never wish on someone to be like me. I am many things, but I do not think I am heartless enough to wish that upon someone."
Hotch was quiet for a few minutes, deep in thought. I could almost see him thinking, like being inside his head and see everything flying left and right.
"I wish you could see yourself the way the team sees you. You have bad sides, but who does not? You have been though a lot of bad things in your life, and your past is a perfect reason for you to be on of the unsub we chase, but here you are. You do not hold grudges, you are fast to forgive, and you are fast with putting yourself in the line of fire without a second thought, for the team and for the victims. You give up many things to make others happy, even though you yourself do not want that. Spencer you are possibly the kindest person I have ever meet, and you are wiser than your years. That little girl saw that in you, in those few moments, and she wants to be as good as a person as you are. I have worked for many more years than you have, so have Rossi, and it is a fact that neither one of us ever have had someone tell us that. I understand that it is hard and difficult to understand. And you are probably trying to profile yourself. But you only see the bad in yourself, and not all the good that others see." With those words and a smile he left me alone once again with my own thoughts, but with a new perspective.
One day I want to be like you.
There are many better role models, many better persons. But I guess that I am not that bad either.