Hello there! I started writing this just on a whim and as I wrote it just sort of took off. I did one read through, but I may have missed a few things so if any of you dear readers see some issues let me know and I will fix it ASAP. I always appreciate a bit of help, and my impromptu beta has been unavailable as she's currently working on a pretty epic story herself.
The POV is Santana, but neither Brittany or Santana's names are used until later, you'll see why. Please review, it means a lot to me when people actually tell me what they think. Thank you very much :)
I should have told her right away. I should have just grabbed her, wrapped my arms around her and pressed my lips to hers. I should have complimented her, said something about how amazing she looked in that blue dress that made her eyes stand out against her porcelain skin. Those eyes, I could get lost in those eyes. The way they seem to see right through me in a matter of seconds. She has always been the one person who could know, in one glance, everything that I am feeling. No matter how high I build my walls, she is the one who can see right through them. Sometimes I close my eyes and force myself to think of something else just so she doesn't immediately see what I'm thinking or feeling. If I'm lucky, I can distract her enough and not have to talk about what I'm feeling.
I've known since I was twelve that I was in love with my best friend. I'm sure it seems ridiculous, and maybe I didn't actually know when I was twelve, but looking back on it now, I should have. The sleep overs where she'd ask me to rub her back until she fell asleep and I didn't think twice when my breath caught in my throat every time. The easy way we could lay in each other's laps and never think twice as we'd run our fingers through the other's hair. It should've been obvious.
Here I am six years later and ready to graduate High School without ever telling her the truth. I've spent six years doing everything I could to avoid talking about my feelings for her, despite her best efforts. She knew I wasn't telling her something, but luckily she hasn't figured out what it pertains to yet. Or if she has, she's been hiding it very well. If she has, this may be the only secret she's ever been able to keep.
We promised each other we would go to graduation together, so she's in my room right now while I'm in my bathroom fixing my hair so that it I don't look like an idiot when I have to put that stupid cap on. She of course looks flawless with her hair slightly curled and partially pinned back. She has very light make-up on, she claims it's for when she cries while I'm walking across the stage, she doesn't want to look goofy when she has to cross it later. I hate that we'll have to sit alphabetically, isn't it bad enough I had to have lockers next to these idiots all year, now I'm going to have to sit near them for over an hour? When we had rehearsals I noticed that if a few people between me and her were to not show up she'd end up sitting behind me. I almost considered taking care of that problem and making sure they didn't show up one way or another, but then I realized if I got caught not only would she be mad but I probably wouldn't be able to graduate.
"Hey, you almost ready?" Our eyes met in the mirror, she was leaning against the doorframe, smiling in that gentle way I've only ever seen her look towards me. Her eyes were sparkling as I watched her gaze travel down my body. "You look really pretty." I looked down at myself, I guess I did look pretty good. I had on a red dress that stopped just above my knees. At first I had on a tight black dress but when I realized how long I'd have to actually sit in it, I switched for a more comfortable dress, the black one was more for standing and dancing up against someone. It was my seduction dress.
"Eh, it's not what I wanted to wear. I guess I look alright." I could never take a compliment without turning it into something else. Usually I'd make some snide remark or make some statement as if it was obvious how hot I looked, but lately whenever she'd complimented me I got really self-conscious. I had shifted my eyes down to reassess my attire, as I stared at my shoes I saw and felt two arms encircling my waist.
"You look beautiful. This was a great choice, I'm glad I got to see it before we had to put on those highly unattractive gowns." She laughed and stepped back leaving me stunned and chilled from her absence.
"Okay, I think I'm ready now. I really look okay?" I stepped back from the counter and slowly spun around. When I'd turned back to face her, her smile was brighter than I had ever seen.
"You're perfect. Now come on, it's time to graduate!" She grabbed my hand and skipped out of the bathroom grabbing my shoes and hers on our way out. I couldn't help but laugh at her excitement. I was proud that she'd been able to get her grades back to graduate on time with us, with me. I should have told her right then, how proud I was of her, right before I grabbed her and hugged her and kissed her.
We got to McKinley just as everyone was lining up.
"Fashionably late to your own graduation?" I heard Kurt laugh as I rushed past him to get in line.
"Shut up and get over here, I need to get this stupid cap on and I don't have a mirror." Luckily, we had a few minutes before we'd be walking out and Kurt was a magic man. My cap was on, and I made him take a picture so that I could see, I looked so grown up it almost made me cry. When I hugged him I heard a quiet frustrated grunt. "Hey, think you could help her out too?" I nodded my head to the side. Kurt laughed and nodded before quickly jogging down the line. I kept my eyes locked on the two as Kurt worked his magic on her, pulling strands of hair forward as he adjusted the cap on her head. She'd asked him to take a picture as well, but her camera sucked. I was about to toss him mine but he'd somehow managed to pull his out of some secret pocket and was taking the picture. She squealed with delight as she quickly hugged him. I sent her a thumbs up when we'd briefly locked eyes.
"Alright ladies and gentleman, it's time to start walking in!" One of the teachers yelled from the front of the line. Kurt quickly ran back towards his spot but I reached out as he ran past.
"Send me that pic you took of her." I whispered, but made sure my eyes screamed that if he didn't obey, he'd regret it for the rest of his life. Kurt nodded, almost knowingly, as he pulled from my grip and took his place behind Finn. I didn't expect him to send it until after the ceremony, but when we'd been seated I felt a buzz against my chest. I'd stored my phone in my dress for safe keeping during the ceremony. I figured if things got boring I could at least text my friends or play some kind of game. I opened the message and even before the photo downloaded I saw the text.
Good luck and don't worry, she's always been yours. ;)
What the hell? I had half a mind to get up and confront him about the meaning of the text but before I could even comprehend anything the picture showed up on the phone. I tapped my screen to make the picture full screen and just stared at it. While I thought I looked grown up, she looked exactly the same. The free spirited girl I fell in love with all those years ago, just hiding underneath a square hat and some stupid gown. I dragged my fingers across the screen so it only mostly showed her face. The blue eyes I'd dreamt about every night and stared into nearly every day pierced through my chest. It felt like they'd punctured my lungs. She was the definition of perfection. The girl of my dreams. The one who still didn't know how I felt, and may never know if I don't get up enough guts to just tell her.
I looked up briefly to see what was happening, when I noticed some old man talking I turned my attention back to my phone. I don't understand why we needed to have some old geezer give us some kind of pep talk about our futures. It's not like many of us would even get out of Lima, or even Ohio. Sure, I had gotten accepted to NYU, LSU and USC but I wasn't going to any of them. I stuck with my promise that wherever she went, I would go too. Luckily, she'd been accepted to Columbia College and Sarah Lawrence. Both schools had what she wanted, and Sarah Lawrence was offering her a scholarship for dance. I was also accepted into Sarah Lawrence and after some debating, it's where we decided to go. I reasoned that if Sarah Lawrence didn't work out for me I could reapply to NYU since it was only half an hour away. After researching the major options I had decided I could try double majoring in Music and Writing. She wanted to try double majoring in Dance and Writing.
She may not be the best at speaking but when she starts writing, it's like the flood gates of her mind open and all of her insecurities she has when she speaks are non-existent. She is one of the most brilliant writers I've ever seen, I feel bad that somewhere between her brain and her mouth there's generally a disconnect and people assume she's stupid.
I felt a nudge to my side and looked up to see the row in front of me was standing, which meant that soon we'd be standing too. With one last look at the beautiful girl on my phone, I slipped it back into my dress and prepared myself to walk across the stage.
When we stood, I felt eyes on me. I turned to look at the row behind me and nearly fell into the guy standing behind me. The blue eyes I'd just stared at on my three-inch screen were now staring back at me in reality, her smile spread across her face as she gave me a thumbs up. The kid behind me pushed me and I realized I'd stopped walking. I felt my cheeks burn as I watched her giggle behind her hands.
As I walked across the stage I heard applause and a few cheers. I wanted to turn my head to find hers as she stood in the line to come towards the stage, but I knew I couldn't. All I could do was look at my friends who were already seated. My eyes found Kurt who winked at me and yelled out a cheer. I narrowed my eyes at him before I took the step off the stage and positioned the diploma holder over my chest to take my obligatory photo. I tried to turn to find her in the line up but couldn't spot her through the crowd and the quick pace my group was taking to walk back to our seats.
We'd reached our spots just in time for me to see the girl in front of her cross the stage. When it was her turn I screamed loudly and clapped until my hands were numb. I know she heard me because I saw her laugh when I cat-called her. I watched her until she stepped off the stage and out of sight. I opened up the diploma holder to see what lame piece of paper they actually put in there. I was thoroughly unimpressed with the monogramed picture of our school and a generic message of congratulations.
"We did it!" My head snapped up as her voice hit my ears. I turned to see her wave at me as she continued walking. I smiled back at her then turned back to face forward, I needed to regulate my breathing, just hearing her made my heart pound, seeing her made my body chill and her waving, smiling that unique-for-me smile made my breathe catch.
Just as my body calmed I felt arms wrap around my waist. She'd switched spots with the boy behind me. As happy as I was that we had to stand after we'd gotten back to our seats, I was now wishing we had to sit.
"Why are you tense, you should be happy, we made it, and neither one of us looked like a fool up there." Her lips were next to my ear, whispering, her breath blowing down my neck as she spoke. Everything I had just gotten over came crashing back full force. I slammed my eyes shut to try and regain some of my self control.
"Sorry, just wish it was over with already. I'm ready to go out to dinner and get to the partying!" She squeezed me harder when my hands came up to rest on hers.
"I'm so excited for tonight. It's going to be amazing! We're going together right?" She placed her chin on my shoulder as I nodded. I closed my eyes to relish in the feeling of being in her arms. It reminded me of the scene in Imagine Me & You when Luce is trying to teach Rachel how to properly yell insults. Next thing I knew everyone was cheering and hats were thrown in the air, mine included, but not by me. The arms of my best friend wrapped around me and pulled me over the chairs blocking us.
We found our parents talking in the lobby area. As soon as we were spotted, we were nearly blinded by camera flashes then suffocated by a big group hug followed by individual ones from each parent. We caught up with Quinn and the three of us took pictures.
"Unholy Trinity for life." Quinn smiled, squeezing our shoulders as we sandwiched her together. "You two coming to the party tonight at Tina's?"
"Of course we are! Wouldn't miss it for the world!" I watched as my best friend bounced happily in place. "But we should probably go, we need to get dinner first then have time to get ready. We'll meet you there Q." Quinn waved as she walked over to her parents and we returned to ours.
After dinner we got ready at her place. We decided to keep the same dresses on, but re-did our hair and make-up. I made my decision that tonight was going to be the night I finally tell her what I'd been hiding for six years. I would finally get this heavy feeling off of my chest and hopefully I would be able to breathe again.
"I need to talk to you tonight."
"Okay, like right now? I mean we are going to be late, but if it's important I'm all ears." Well, I guess I'd waited six years, a few more hours wouldn't hurt right?
"No, it can wait." I smiled, grabbing my purse off of her desk as we made our way to the party.
I should have just done it. I should have said it was important. I should have told her when I had the time, when I could do this the way I wanted. I should have stopped her before we walked into that party, pulled her aside and just spilled my guts out to her. I shouldn't have hesitated.
We walked in and it was as if the walls were vibrating. The music was blaring through the speakers and people were everywhere. To say this party was already in full swing would be an understatement and a terrible cliche´. I was instantly pulled towards the dance floor. I made sure to keep a fair amount of distance between us as we started but by the fourth song our bodies were seamed together, her back pressed against me, her hands gripping mine as they rested on her hips.
"Heeeyyy, you two made it!" Mike, as drunk as he seemed, flawlessly danced his way over to us. Out of all of the people I knew, which was a lot, Mike and Brittany were the only people who's dancing skills didn't falter with the amount of alcohol in their system. "Here, have a drink, I don't think I should be drinking anymore." He shoved his plastic cup into our joined hands, she took a drink before leaning back so I could finish it off.
When the song ended she pulled me towards the kitchen to fill our cup with something other than cheap beer. I knew she was more of a hard alcohol person, personally, I'd drink just about anything, but for her, Vodka was her go to drink mixer. With our collective cup filled, we worked our way around the room talking to a few people. I could tell she'd made the drink a bit too strong for her. Coordination, when not dancing, became difficult for her. She was leaning against me as we stood in the living room.
"Soooo, do you wanna tell me what you were gonna say before?" Her fingers walked up my arm to my shoulder and poked my cheek.
"Not right now. Maybe later though." I grabbed the cup from her hand, choking when I took a big gulp of mostly vodka with a hint of cranberry. "Geez, I'm mixing the next one." She giggled next to me and shrugged her shoulders in her Oops my badkind of way. Instead of either of us finishing her so-called mixed drink, I pulled her back to the kitchen, poured the contents into a nearby cup and made a proper drink. When I turned back I noticed one of the soccer players pulled her towards the living room area. She was laughing wildly at something he'd said and hanging onto his arm. My pulse beat throughout my entire body, I gripped the counter next to me with one hand and crushed the plastic cup in my other.
If I'd just said something to her at ANY point during the day, this would not be happening. I would not be on a fiery path of destruction towards this douche bag. I wouldn't have knocked a few unsuspecting people into a wall. I wouldn't have yanked this boy by his stupid green polo shirt and thrown him crashing into a table. If I'd just spoken up earlier I wouldn't be running from the house with her chasing behind me. I wouldn't have tears blurring my vision, and I wouldn't have seen the car nearly hit me. I also wouldn't have felt her pull me back just in time. I wouldn't have fallen into her arms on the sidewalk and I wouldn't have turned, bawling into her arms. She wouldn't have carried me back to her house, up the stairs to her room and I wouldn't be laying underneath her blue and yellow duck sheets with her stroking my hair as my head lay in her lap. If I had just spoken up earlier I wouldn't have heard her whispering when she thought I was asleep.
"You are so beautiful. It scares me that one day you'll get sick of me. I really don't know how you haven't already. You have put up with so much from me and for me. You protect me like you're some kind of super hero." She laughed, her hand pausing in my hair. "You really are my own personal super hero. I should make you a cape or something, or you could wear one of those sexy leather outfits like Catwoman. I bet you'd be really sexy in that. Who am I kidding, you're sexy in everything. I've never seen a person as sexy as you are. You don't even try. I wish I could be like you." She took a deep breath, almost as if she was preparing her words carefully, or was afraid to actually vocalize them. "Santana you are my best friend, I love you. I love you more than I could ever possibly imagine, and I wish you weren't sleeping because I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to say this to you when you are awake. It just feels so good to say this, I love you Santana, I love you I love you I-"
"I love you too Brittany." Her hand stilled in my hair, I heard her breath shake. When I looked up her face was bright red and her jaw was dropped. I could tell she was trying to figure out just how much I'd heard. I could tell she was embarrassed. I also noticed, the alcohol in her system from earlier was completely gone.
"What? Um..." she tried her best to keep eye contact but they were not shifting around the room, her hand slipping out of my hair as her fingers fidgeted together in her lap next to my head. I reached one hand up, running it down her cheek. This was exactly the moment I needed.
"Brittany, I heard everything." Her eyes shifted down towards her hands. "Hey, look at me." Slowly, her eyes met mine, I smiled, trying to tell her it was going to be okay. "I'm actually kind of surprised to hear you say all of this. Do you remember when I said I had to talk to you earlier?" She nodded. "And you know how you always ask me what I'm hiding?" She nodded again, a smile starting to grace her lips. "Well," I wanted to look away, to turn into the bashful girl I usually was around her, but I knew I had to tough it out. "I've been in love with you since we were twelve. I've always known that you were the one for me, my everything. I've just been so afraid to admit it, afraid that you might shoot me down. I wanted to tell you earlier. I wanted to tell you all day, but I just couldn't. Brittany I love you more than I've ever loved anything else. You really have no idea how good it is to hear you say what you said, and to be able to say all of this back."
Her lips crashed into mine as her arms pulled me up towards her. Her hands tangled in my hair and gripped the back of my neck as mine rested on her sides, knuckles wrapped up in her shirt. I released my grip and slid my hands underneath her shirt, feeling the warmth of her skin against my fingers. As many times as I've rubbed her back, as many times as I've felt the electricity of our skin touching, it never felt like this. Usually it felt like a shock that I'd grown used to, but this felt like when your arm or leg falls asleep and just as it's about to wake up the tingling feeling spreads in that weird way that seems to last excruciatingly longer than necessary. Unlike those moments, I embraced this feeling. This feeling would never seem too long and would never be excruciating. Her lips pulled away from mine.
"I know exactly how good it is." She smiled, kissing me softly again before turning me in her arms so I was leaning against her, sitting between her legs. Her arms wrapped around me and my fingers instinctively tangled with hers as they rested on my stomach. "I've known since we were eight."
I hope you liked this. I put the last line in to tie-in with something I created earlier today which can be found on my tumblr: glee-southwriter