A/N: I've decided that as Dwarves have quite a long life span that the female dwarf might have a few months between each period.
The company had travelled a long way and it was finally time to camp for the night. Sigrid the only female member of the company put her pack down gratefully and turned to see what her husband Kili was doing. To her surprise there was no sign of him and she could see the other dwarves Bilbo and Gandalf also wondering where he was.
"Has anyone seen Kili?" Thorin asked.
It soon became clear that no one had. Thorin then asked when the company last remembered seeing Kili. He had been present when they stopped for lunch and Nori remembered talking to him about 3 hours before they'd broken for camp. It became apparent that Kili had become separated from the company at some point.
"Fili and I will go and find him," Thorin said.
Sigrid watched as they left hoping they found Kili and that he was ok. She turned her attention to helping set up the camp and gather wood to start a fire for Bombur to cook over. When that was done Thorin and Fili still weren't back so Sigrid sparred with some of the other dwarves. She was sparring with Dwalin when shouts alerted them that Fili and Thorin were back. Sigrid and Dwalin returned to camp to find that Fili and Thorin were back and Kili was with them. Sigrid ran over to Kili only to pull up short when she saw tears coursing down his cheeks. His head was down and he was walking very slowly as if he was in great pain.
"What's happened?" Sigrid asked, looking at Fili and Thorin.
They wouldn't meet her eyes and Sigrid could tell that something grievous had happened.
"Oh my love, what is it? What's happened to you?" Sigrid asked Kili.
Kili looked at her his eyes full of tears and wrapping his arms around her he began to sob.
"Come lets go somewhere private where we can talk," Sigrid gently suggested.
She could see that Kili was distraught so led him a short distance from the camp where they could talk privately. When they stopped Kili clung to her and sobbed. She gently rubbed his back allowing him to let it out. Finally he looked up and spoke.
"Men, attacked me, did terrible things to me. Things that no one should do to me. I am shamed and have bought shame to the royal family," Kili said.
"Is there something I can do?" Sigrid asked, tears running down her cheeks at the thought of what Kili, her beloved, must have been through.
"Cleanse their filth from me," Kili said.
Tears began running down his cheeks again and Sigrid comforted him.
"I love you Kee. And this thing that's happened to you won't change that," Sigrid said.
"Thank you," Kili said.
The two returned to camp and Sigrid got a bowl of cold water and a cloth. She went to the tent she and Kili were sharing and going inside found that Kili had shed his clothes and was lying face down.
Wetting the cloth Sigrid began cleansing Kili and when she saw the abused area she gasped.
"Oh my love what did they do to you? What have they done?" Sigrid asked.
She gently pressed the wet cloth to the abused area and Kili jerked and let out a low growl. The cloth came away wet with blood and semen and Sigrid feared that he was torn. She was as gentle as she could as she worked to clean Kili. The skin around the abused area was raw and bruised and blood was still trickling out of Kili.
"The beasts. You must be in so much pain," Sigrid said.
She began to cry upset that Kili was in so much pain. Then her tears turned to anger.
"Where are they. I will kill them with my axes. Let me make my axes sing," Sigrid said
"They are all dead, Uncle and Fee killed most of them and I killed some too," Kili said.
"You had vengeance then," Sigrid said.
"I did," Kili said.
"Can.. Can you tell me what happened?" Sigrid asked.
Well as you know I got separated from the rest of you while we were travelling this afternoon. After I realized we'd been separated I began trying to find you but ran into a band of wild men," Kili said.
He thought back to what happened.
Flashback
"What 'ave we 'ere? It's a stinking dwarf," the leader of the wild men said.
"Let me go at once," Kili snarled.
"Get 'im down on the ground. We can have some fun with 'im
Kili kicked and fought as his travelling jacket was pulled off and he was shoved down on his stomach by the men who were holding him.
"Hold him down I want to see what 'e has," the man who had captured him ordered. Three men threw themselves on Kili and he felt their weight on his legs and back holding him down. He could see his captors feet walking away and wondered for a moment what was happening. He knew all right when the leader of the wild men came back and pulled his undershirt up
"Time to see what you have dwarf," the leader of the wild men said.
He cut open Kili's breeches with a knife and bared his rump.
"Please don't do this. Just let me go," Kili begged, knowing what the men had in mind.
The crowd who had gathered round him snickered knowing he was held down helpless , at his captors mercy.
"My uncle will make you pay for this," Kili snarled.
A boot to his head was his reward
"Shut up you stinking dwarf," the leader of the wild men growled, "You aren't going anywhere until we are finished with you," he ended.
Kili cursed the men with every dwarvish curse he could think of. He would not let them see him cry.
End Flashback
Kili choked up struggling to go on.
"You don't want to know what they did to me it was horrible and disgusting and I didn't think it would ever end and I had forced myself to think of something else something nice to separate my mind from what was happening to my body. Suddenly I heard shouts and turning my head could see the boots of dwarves. And then I realized it was Fee and Uncle. They charged the men around me their swords and axes singing. It was a glorious sight. Suddenly I was free and I wasted no time getting to my feet, despite the pain I was and still am in and retrieved my weapons and travelling jacket. I pulled my jacket on and slinging my belt that has my bow and quiver and sword holster on it over my shoulder I charged at the wild men and helped Fee and Uncle finish killing them. Every single one of those bastards is dead. It felt so good to run them through with my sword. When they were dead I found one of them that was around my size and took his breeches to replace my ruined ones. Fee, Uncle and I then came back to camp and the rest you know," Kili said.
"I have guessed what they did to you from the state of you," Sigrid said softly.
"How can you not hate me?" Kili asked.
"Because you are my husband and it's not your fault that those animals did that to you," Sigrid said
She had finished cleaning him and he still had blood trickling out of the abused area.
"I'm going to go and talk to Uncle. You're still bleeding," Sigrid said.
Kili nodded and Sigrid left their tent. Finding Thorin Sigrid told him that Kili was bleeding and that she feared he had been torn.
"I will send Oin to tend to him," Thorin said.
"I am worried about Kili, about his emotional state. I don't think he knows how to handle what's happened to him. I don't know how to handle it either," Sigrid said.
"He needs to talk about his feelings and work through how he's feeling. I will talk to him. I've already told everyone to treat him normally and not to mention what's happened. If he feels that no one thinks any differently of him he will realize that no one is judging him," Thorin said.
"He feels he's bought shame to the royal family and blames himself for what happened," Sigrid said.
"It isn't in any way his fault," Thorin said.
"And that's what I've told him. I've also tried to reassure him that what's happened doesn't change my love for him," Sigrid said.
"We will let Kili know that we care about him. For now go and let him know that Oin will be coming to tend to him," Thorin said.
So Sigrid returned to their tent and upon entering she found Kili still lying face down but now clad in his undershirt. It was long enough to preserve his modesty.
"Oin will be coming shortly to tend to you," Sigrid said.
Kili nodded then put his head in his hands.
"I can't face them. I just can't," he said.
"It's ok my love. No one is making you do anything. You can stay in here as long as you need to," Sigrid said.
Kili curled up and began to sob again so Sigrid sat down beside him and gently caressed his head letting him know she was there and hoping she was a comforting presence. Finally Oin arrived and he knelt by Kili.
"I'm going to take a look at you Kili. Is that ok?" Oin asked.
When Kili nodded Oin lifted his undershirt, baring his rump. Sigrid watched as Oin gently examined Kili.
"You're right he has been torn. I have a salve here that will aid in healing and stop the bleeding," Oin said.
"I'm going to apply a salve which will aid in healing and stop the bleeding," Oin said.
Kili nodded and Oin got to work. He was very gentle and careful to avoid hurting Kili. Sigrid watched quietly.
"I will need to apply this salve twice a day. So I will come back tomorrow morning. Kili I would suggest you rest and try not to aggravate the area," Oin said.
Kili nodded and Oin left. Once he was gone Kili slowly and carefully put a pair of breeches on, his own, not the ones he'd borrowed from the dead wild man. He then lay down again and curled up looking unhappy.
A short while later Fili came into the tent.
"How are you doing Kee?" he asked.
"I'm very sore and I don't feel like facing anyone," Kili said.
"When I saw what those bastards were doing to you I couldn't get over there fast enough. Same for Uncle. I'm sorry we weren't able to get there soon enough to save you from that torment," Fili said.
"Thank you for rescuing me. You and Uncle both," Kili said.
"I would have killed them myself if I'd been there," Sigrid said.
She was furious that Kili had been attacked in such a way and that she hadn't been there to defend him and stop it happening.
"Sig my love don't blame yourself for this. There was nothing you could do to prevent it," Kili said.
"I should have been there for you," Sigrid said.
"We came as quickly as we could," Fili added.
"It's my fault this happened. I shouldn't have gotten separated from the rest of you. I'm no use to the company now," Kili said.
"Of course you are of use to the company," Fili said.
"I'm not," Kili said firmly.
He turned away from Fili and Sigrid could see tears on his cheeks.
"Kee it is ok. You have been hurt very badly. You need time to heal both physically and emotionally," Fili said," If there is anything I can do to help even if it is just lending an ear so you can talk I will be glad to do so," Fili said.
"Thanks Fee," Kili said.
Fili left and Kili curled up again.
"Would you like something to eat?" Sigrid asked.
"Yes please. I'll eat in here," Kili said.
So Sigrid went to see what was being done about dinner and found that it was ready. Bombur served her a plate of food and served one for Kili after she asked for one.
"Is Kili not joining us?" Bombur asked.
"No. He doesn't feel up to it. He's very sore," Sigrid said.
She looked around at the other dwarves and could see that they were all very angry about what had happened. Any wild men they encountered were likely to be slaughtered. Sigrid took Kili's food back to their tent and giving it to him she sat down with him and the two ate. Once they had eaten she took the plates out to Bombur and helped with washing up.
"How is Kili doing?" Bombur asked.
"He's pretty miserable. Doesn't want to face anyone right now," Sigrid said.
"I hope he will feel better soon. I can't imagine what he's going through. None of us can," Bombur said.
Sigrid realized that Kili was probably feeling embarrassed and humiliated so once she finished the washing up she returned to her tent. Kili was curled up on their bedroll, sobbing. Sigrid slipped her boots off and lying down gently cuddled into him.
"Get off," Kili yelped pushing her away.
"It's me Sig," Sigrid said.
"I wish they'd killed me," Kili blurted out.
"Of course you don't," Sigrid said
"Yes I do. Then I wouldn't have to suffer this embarrassment and humiliation. I wouldn't have to feel like this. I feel dirty and used and violated," Kili said, the words pouring out, "I knew what they were going to do and I couldn't stop them. I couldn't stop them," Kili said.
"What they did was against your will. You didn't consent to it. So you have every right to feel violated. But you shouldn't feel ashamed as it wasn't your fault in any way. No one is going to judge you for what happened," Sigrid said.
"Yes they will. I know they will," Kili said.
Sigrid knew that that was the problem that Kili had. He was convinced in his own mind that the other dwarves would think it was his fault in some way that he'd gotten into the situation he had.
"Kili no one thinks it was your fault. They know those men violated you. Fee and Uncle have made that very very clear," Sigrid said.
"I'm sorry my love but I just can't face them right now," Kili said.
He cuddled up close to her just wanting to hold her tight and her to hold him. She did so and they fell asleep like that.
Sigrid woke a few hours later to find Kili crying out and thrashing around in his sleep. Clearly he was having a nightmare. She gently touched him and he jerked awake, looking around a wild look in his eyes.
"You were having a nightmare my love," Sigrid said.
"It was awful. It was as though it was happening to me all over again," Kili said.
He shuddered remembering the feeling of the men's hands on him, the intrusions. They had been brutal and forceful and the pain had been hot and searing. The attack had been relentless until Fili and Thorin had shown up and put an end to it.
"It's ok my love you're safe. I'm right here beside you," Sigrid said. She talked softly to Kili until he went back to sleep. She lay there in the dark her arms wrapped around Kili wishing she knew how to help him. Clearly he was badly hurt emotionally as well as physically. And the company would be moving on the next day. She had no idea how Kili would cope with that.
The next morning when they woke up Kili was very stiff and sore. To Sigrid's shock Oin discovered that the bruising around the abused area had darkened when he applied the salve that morning. Kili had stopped bleeding but he was still in a lot of pain. He moved very slowly as he helped Sigrid pack up their tent and get ready to move on. He didn't speak much either and Sigrid became concerned that he was withdrawing into himself.
"Please talk to me my love. I know you're hurting and struggling to deal with this but bottling it up inside won't help," Sigrid said.
"What's the point. It's not like it's going to help anyway. They should have killed me," Kili said.
He felt overwhelmed by the shame of what had happened to him. Although Sigrid had told him none of the other dwarves blamed him in any way for what had happened he couldn't stop thinking that somehow someway it was his fault.
"It was my fault. I was the one who got separated from the rest of you. If that hadn't happened I wouldn't have been shamed in such a vile manner," Kili said.
"No it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have predicted what those animals would do to you. We should have made sure you weren't separated from us. So it's our fault this has happened to you. I am sorry for my fault in it my love," Sigrid said.
"Don't you DARE blame yourself love. It is not your fault," Kili said.
He broke down in tears again
When the company broke camp Sigrid helped Kili to pack up their bedrolls and tent. Kili stayed close by Sigrid's side as the company began to move. The other dwarves tried to include him in their conversations but he was reluctant to join in preferring Sigrid's company to the others. When they stopped to camp Kili helped Sigrid set up their tent then retreated inside it preferring to stay alone. Sigrid got herself and Kili some dinner then returned to their tent carrying their dinners to find that Kili was curled up on his bedroll. She passed him his dinner and he sat up to eat it. As they ate Sigrid asked Kili if he wanted to spar with her after they'd finished eating.
"I think I'd like to stay here lying quietly," Kili said.
"You need to interact with the others. It might take your mind off what's happened. It's not doing you any good lying here stewing about it. Your physical injuries will heal just fine from what Oin told me.
"He told me that too. I just don't know how to face them," Kili said.
Sigrid nodded and sat with him holding his hand. He started to cry again and Sigrid gently stroked his hair.
"What's wrong?" Sigrid asked.
"When they attacked me… my body… my body responded the way it does when we make love," Kili sobbed, "You're the only one who should make me feel like that. Why did those men make me feel like that. Everyone will think I enjoyed it in some sick way which in reality nothing could be further from the truth," Kili said.
Sigrid's mind whirled and then she remembered something she had learnt after a friend had been attacked in a similar way to Kili.
"It's a reflex my love. You know like if someone tickles you and you laugh. You do that even if you aren't liking being tickled. That kind of thing. Your body responded automatically," Sigrid said.
"I'm so scared.. so scared that if we make love that it will bring it all back," Kili finally managed to admit.
Sigrid understood what he meant. It was important that he not associate the feelings of pleasure from their love making from what had happened to him.
"I would suggest that I talk to Uncle and maybe he can talk to the others and make it clear that although your body reacted the way it did it was not because you were enjoying it," Sigrid said.
"No don't. I don't want any of the others to know. I couldn't bear the shame of them knowing," Kili said.
He had tears running down his cheeks.
"Believe me I think they need to know and I think that if they can show that they understand what happened and why that you'll be a lot happier," Sigrid said.
"Please don't tell him," Kili said.
"I have to. And I'm doing this because I love you," Sigrid said.
She stood and left the tent. The other dwarves were sparring or discussing the quest. Sigrid found Thorin who was with Gandalf who had returned.
"Uncle I need to talk to you," Sigrid said.
"What is it? Is it Kili?" Thorin said.
"Yes it is. There's something he's told me that I need to tell you. He doesn't want me to tell you but I feel that I must," Sigrid said.
"What do I need to know," Thorin said.
Sigrid quickly told him what Kili had told her.
"Thank you for telling me. I'll make sure the other dwarves know and why it happened," Thorin said.
He nodded dismissing Sigrid and she returned to Kili.
"It is ok my love he said he'd let the others know and why it happened. Uncle didn't think you enjoyed it or anything like that," Sigrid said.
She lay down next to Kili and wrapped her arms around him, gently running her fingers down his chest and his stomach.
"I'm glad Uncle understood," Kili murmured.
"I love you Kili. I want you to recover from this," Sigrid said.
They were still cuddling when suddenly the camp erupted into shouts. Kili lept to his feet and grabbed his weapons.
"Stay here," he barked at Sigrid.
He raced out of the tent pulling an arrow from his quiver. Sigrid waited a few moments then followed. Wild men had attacked the camp and she quickly spotted Kili. He was shooting arrows at them his face a mask of hatred. When he ran out of arrows he drew his sword and began attacking them with that. When they were all dead Kili sheathed his sword and gathered his arrows from the wild men's bodies then returned to their tent. Sigrid quickly followed.
"Mahal that felt good," Kili said.
"Do you feel better now?" Sigrid asked.
"A little," Kili conceded.
"How can I help you be able to make love without associating the feelings of pleasure from what happened to you?" Sigrid asked.
"I don't know. I do know that if I allow us to be intimate it will be something I've initiated and want," Kili said.
"Shall we give it a try? We can take it very very slowly and you will be in control of what's happening and if you tell me to stop I'll stop," Sigrid said.
"That sounds reasonable," Kili said.
A little while later Oin approached their tent wanting to give Kili his evening treatment with the salve. As he reached the tent he stopped short and held his ear trumpet up. What he heard made him turn around and go back and join the others.
"I'll have to give Kili his treatment later. He and Sigrid would kill me if I interrupted them," Oin said.
Fili grinned guessing what his younger brother and sister in law were up to.
"Just as well you didn't go in. They would be very unhappy with you. I accidentally interrupted them once and they both bit my head off especially Kee. I was told to get lost in language I could easily understand and if looks could kill I wouldn't be here with you now," Fili said.
"It makes me happy to hear Kili having normal relations with his wife. It's a big step on the way to his recovery," Oin said.
"That it is," Thorin said.
He too was pleased to hear the news. Oin returned to the tent when he was sure Kili and Sigrid were finished what they had been doing and applied the salve to Kili.
"How are you feeling now?" he asked Kili.
"Somewhat better. Sig is helping me," Kili said.
"I'm embarrassed to admit this but I came over earlier and accidentally overheard you two," Oin said.
"Thanks for not coming in," Kili said.
"I figured you wouldn't be happy if I did
"Did it hurt at all?" Oin asked, " I mean did your rump hurt," he added.
"It was a bit uncomfortable but I was ok," Kili said.
"Ok that's good," Oin said.
"I haven't upset things have I?" Kili asked.
"No you haven't," Oin said.
"Ok that's good. Neither of us touched that area. We never do when we um are intimate," Kili said.
Oin nodded then left. Kili had been apprehensive about being intimate with Sigrid but he had found himself enjoying it and not associating it with what had happened to him. That had taken a weight off his mind and after it he had felt quite a bit better. Sigrid was worried about what had happened when the wild men had attacked the camp.
"I'm concerned about your reaction to the wild men earlier on. I saw the look on your face when you were fighting them. You haven't forgiven them have you?" Sigrid asked.
"How can I forgive them my love. They hurt me grievously," Kili said.
"Those were not the same wild men who hurt you. You, our uncle and our brother killed them all. Those wild men were completely different," Sigrid said.
"They attacked our camp. What do you suppose they would have done if they'd captured you. The same thing they did to me only it would be worse since you're a female," Kili growled.
Sigrid knew he was right. Still she hoped he wouldn't become bitter about what had happened to him.
"I love you Kili and I hope you won't become bitter about what happened to you and overprotective of me. I can handle myself. I could have helped fight them," Sigrid said.
"You were safer where you were," Kili said.
"I wanted to let my axes sing," Sigrid said.
"I'd have never forgiven myself if they'd captured you. I can't bear the thought of you going through what I did," Kili said.
"I am still struggling to forgive myself for not being there to stop those men shaming you," Sigrid said.
"As I said earlier don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do. You didn't even know where I was," Kili said.
"I should have come with Uncle and Fee," Sigrid said.
"You'd have only put yourself in danger. Uncle was right to insist you stay here," Kili said.
Sigrid knew he was right and smiled.
"You are safe now my love. You know that right?" she said.
"I know but part of me finds it hard to believe that. Even though I have you, Fee and Uncle around me as well as the other dwarves I still can't help thinking that I could be attacked again," Kili said.
He looked at Sigrid tears pooling in his eyes.
"Please don't cry again my love. Talk to me. Or even Fee or Uncle if that would help. Would it be helpful to talk to another male?" Sigrid asked.
"I don't know," Kili said.
"I'll go and see if Fee or Uncle can come and talk with you," Sigrid said.
Standing she left their tent again and found Thorin and Fili talking with the other dwarves. Quickly she asked if one of them could talk with Kili and Thorin nodded and headed in the direction of Kili and Sigrid's tent.
"How are you doing Sig?" Fili asked
"Alright. It hurts that Kee is hurting but I am helping him as best I can," Sigrid said.
"You're doing a great job. His physical injuries will take time to heal as will his emotional injuries. You're giving him the support he needs. The rest of us are wanting to help too but it's a matter of him being willing to let us in so that we can show him that we wish to support him too," Fili said.
"I know and he knows that. He just can't face talking about it with the rest of you but hopefully talking with Uncle will help with that. None of you can really understand what he's been through as you've not been through it yourselves as far as I know. I can't really understand it either," Sigrid said.
Sigrid looked over at the tent Kili shared with her hoping Thorin talking to Kili was helping.
Over the next few days Oin continued applying the salve to Kili morning and night. His physical wounds slowly began to heal and he found it easier to move around. However he remained withdrawn and reluctant to talk to the other dwarves which worried Sigrid. And when the company were attacked by some orcs Kili was as remorseless as he had been with the wild men, again ordering Sigrid to stay out of the fight and killing the orcs his expression full of rage and hatred. To Sigrid's horror after he'd decapitated the last one he stabbed it over and over until finally he collapsed tears pouring down his face. Sigrid rushed to him and he looked at her.
"I couldn't help myself. In mind they were wild men and I… I just wanted to hack them to pieces," Kili said.
"You need to let your feelings out. Let everyone in so we can help you. You're bottling so much up inside that it's exploding out like this. Let it out and let go of your hatred," Sigrid said.
"Uncle is encouraging me to talk about how I'm feeling. He's been coming and talking to me every night when you've been sparring with the others. It's still not easy though," Kili admitted.
"If you need to cry then cry. I am here and will comfort you," Sigrid said.
"Thank you for that my love," Kili said.
After what seemed a long time Kili slowly began to show signs of emotional recovery. He became more talkative and began interacting with the others again. He still had his nightly sessions with Thorin and he was finding it good to talk about how he was feeling and work through all his fear, anger, shame and guilt. He also talked to Sigrid frequently about such things as Thorin encouraged him to. Physically he had healed within 3 weeks of the attack. One night the two were cuddling in their bedroll and Kili gently pushed Sigrid's hair out of her face.
"Have I ever told you that when I returned to the camp after the attack I was a broken dwarf. I had so many emotions to deal with, hurt, shame, anger and especially guilt. I know now that none of the others think my body reacted because I enjoyed it. Uncle made it very clear that it was a reflex action. I also know that I have not bought shame to the royal family and that no one blames me or themselves for what happened. Once I understood all this it made it a lot easier for me to heal emotionally. But the important thing is this. Although I was broken I knew I was still loved. You and Uncle and Fee still loved me the same as before. That is what got me through those darkest days and nights. You have been wonderful to me," Kili said.
"It's because you're my husband. And on that note I have some news some happy news," Sigrid said.
"Do share my love," Kili said.
"Remember that night when I helped you to realize we could be intimate without you connecting pleasure to what happened to you?" Sigrid asked.
"Yes I remember. You set me free from some of the guilt that night," Kili said.
"Well something else happened that night. Something wonderful. I conceived our first child. You're going to be a papa," Sigrid said.
"Me a papa? Mahal Sig that's wonderful news. I'm going to be a papa," Kili said.
He beamed suddenly feeling as free as a bird and lept out of their bedroll.
"I have to go and tell Uncle and Fee. This calls for a celebration," Kili said.
Sigrid saw him rush out of their tent and a few moments later heard him telling Fili and Thorin the news. Then Fili rushed into their tent.
"Congratulations Sig. Kee just told me the news. I can't believe he's going to be a papa and I'm going to be Uncle Fee," Fili said.
"I only just found out today that I'm going to be a mama. Oin told me after I spoke to him suspecting as much," Sigrid said.
"It's wonderful news," Fili said.
He left as Thorin came in.
"Congrats Sigrid. Kili just told me the news. So I'm to be great Uncle Thorin. It's fantastic news and just what Kili needs to help him fully recover from what happened," Thorin said.
Sigrid smiled knowing that everything was going to be ok. Kili was well on the road to recovery and they had the exciting prospect of being parents to look forward to.
End