My name is Craig Tucker and I'm dying.
Like, legitimately dying. My head feels like I have a fish bowl over it, which I have had on my head when I was like 8 or something, but this time there is water in it and I have gold fish up my nose. I feel like I can't breath. I've always had a nasally voice, but I sound like I did when I was in middle school. My body is on fire and I am starting to wish that I really had a fish bowl of ice water over my head.
This is absolutely the worst sinus infection I've had. I'm so sick that I can't even enjoy being high on the insane amount of medication my mother has forced down my throat. Not that I enjoy medication high. That's more of Tweek's thing. Speaking of which, he refuses to see me when I'm sick. Then again, I don't want him to see me like his. I look fucking gross. I may be poor trash, but I do reserve the right to be vain. I'm fucking hot.
Just not right now. I'm as hideous as a meth head. I don't let anyone see me when I'm sick. The only person I actually allow to see me is my mom.
The shrill chime of my phone snaps me to some sort of attention. I drop my Xbox controller on my stomach and grab my phone from under my pillow. I don't know why I even have my game on anymore. I've taken so many head shots that I'm sure the people I've been playing with online have even gotten bored with racking up kills. My phone chimes again and I try my best to glare at the screen with blood shot eyes.
"Ruby, if you're at the door, just fucking come in."
"I figured if you were sleeping, I'd wake you before coming in," Ruby opened the door and stepped inside, making sure to stay by the door. I could tell she was assessing what state of death I was in. If she had time to run out if needed.
"People usually let sick people sleep."
"Usually. You still look like shit." She walked over to Stripe's cage and started poking at him through the metal bars. He started squeaking and running around the cage, knowing he was going to get fed. I've enlisted Ruby's help in feeding Stripe because I am too paranoid that he may get sick. I don't want anything happening to him considering this is Stripe IV. Last thing I want to do is bury another one of my babies.
"No better than you," I flip her off and sit up. Tissues fall off my chest and into my lap, some falling onto the floor. I have to watch to make sure Ruby is feeding Stripe to my standards.
"Better start putting make up on, Barbie. Clyde is coming over." Ruby didn't bother to even look at me when she decided to announce the unwanted visit of my best friend. "He comes baring gifts I know you'll love." The red headed spawn of Hell looked over at me smirked. I hate when she does that. She looks too much like me, but not really. Ruby and I look nothing alike, but we both have the ability to make people regret knowing us with that one smirk.
"Shit!" After coughing I looked around my war zone of disease called my bed, trying to find my hat. Any hat would do really. My hair looks like a greasy oil spill and it's matted around my forehead. I haven't showered in a few days and I smell like death, but I don't give a shit. At least I didn't until Ruby said Clyde fucking Donovan is coming over. I try flipping my blankets off but end up getting tangled in them before falling off the bed. I can hear Stripe squeak loudly followed by Ruby laughing at me. "When's he coming over?"
"I just heard his car pull up. You may want to put clothes on." I usually sleep in my underwear so I have some sort of coverage in case I need to roll out of bed, but because I am dying of a fever, I figured I could sleep naked and not be bothered to get out of my bed. Guess I learned my lesson. Ruby made a shrill scream when I stood and went running after her: naked ass and all. "Clyde! CLYDE! He's ready!"
Fucking Bitch.
I could hear Clyde laughing downstairs when Ruby opened the door and sped out. I'll have to get her back. Maybe I'll spit in her cereal. I grabbed the first hat I saw and tugged it on my head. Yeah, I think putting a hat on comes before putting underwear on.
"You finally going to let me put my dick-"
"Shut the fuck up Clyde." I glared at him while putting on my underwear. My vicious glare didn't last long because Clyde started laughing at me. I could feel the reason he was laughing at me sliding out of my nose. Fucking Gravity. I crawled back into my cocoon of blankets and grabbed tissues to blow my nose. Clyde followed like the puppy he is.
"So you are really sick. You're not just skipping and ignoring everyone the way you do when you're on your period," Clyde smiled that goofy smile he does when he says something he thinks is so damn funny. He climbed onto the bed with me."You never answered any of my texts."
"Are you going to break up with me now?" I would break up with someone that decided to put tissues up their nose as a way to clog up said orifice.
"Yes. That's why I'm here. To break up with you and give you your homework."
"That must be the gift Ruby said you would give me. You make the worst brofriend ever." I laid back onto the bed. I was starting to feel dizzy and Clyde wasn't worth my energy to stay sitting up.
"Yeah. I put it on your desk." When did he fucking do that? I must be on the verge of dying now. I can feel Death's hand on my head telling me it was time to close my eyes and pass on. "You're burning up bro." Okay, so Death takes the form of Clyde.
"Yes. Now go away. I want to go back to sleep."
"I can make you some soup if you want. Have you eaten?"
"No. Just go away. I'm tired." I felt his weight leave the bed. I kept my eyes clothes thinking he would get the fucking hint. I love the guy and all, but he can be pretty dense. After a few minutes I opened one eye to see that he actually left. My head is so clogged I didn't even hear him leave. I burrowed further into my cocoon and started to fall asleep.
"Hey, Craig. Wake up Sleeping Beauty."
Shit.
I was maybe asleep for five minutes and this dick is here again, waking me up.
"I told you to leave, Clyde. I'm trying to go to sleep."
"Dude, you were asleep. You took like... a two hour nap. Ruby and I played Gears and went shopping while you slept. But I figured I would make you something" I opened my eyes to see Clyde smiling his goofy ass smile, holding a tray over my head.
"Two hours? You're kidding." I flipped the blankets off me, barely missing the tray Clyde had in his hands. Slipping my hand under my pillow a, I grabbed my phone and checked my phone. Okay, so he wasn't lying.
"I would have let you sleep more, but Ruby said you are stubborn as shit and probably refuse to make yourself something... Then I realized she was right." He was sporting a tray with a bowl and cup. He placed it ever so carefully on my lap as if he could flip it all over me at any moment. I wouldn't put it past him because it definitely wouldn't be the first time. Inside the bowl was chicken soup and the glass was full of orange juice.
"I know we didn't have orange juice."
"Yeah. I told you that me and your sister went shopping. I also got you some more tissues and cough drops. I know you hate the fruit kind so I got you mentholated. Like, a huge fucking bag."
I looked down at the tray in my lap while he continued to talk about the things he did for my health or what he did to entertain himself before heating my soup. I don't know why I am shocked by all of this. Now that I think about it, Clyde always does this when I'm sick. Even when we were young, he would always come over right after school to give me my homework. Then he would help my mom make me soup and bring it to me to eat. Then he would play games with me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He's always done this.
"I know you're not hungry, but you should still probably try to eat something. I promise it will help."
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Uh... Playing nurse I guess."
"No dumb ass. Tonight. You have plans?"
"Well, no. I was just going to leave. I'm just delivering food." Clyde looked like he was trying to be cautious with his choice of words. I've trained him well.
"You're a horrible man nurse if you're just going to leave me. You woke me up." I smirked at him, taking a sip of the orange juice. "The least you could do is entertain me. My stats are shot on Gears now since I was playing it half asleep."
Clyde's face broke out into a giant smile and he went straight to work getting my Xbox ready as I started to eat what I could of my soup.
It's only taken me four more days to finally feel a level above complete shit. Clyde had stayed the night with me the first day he had come over to nurse me to health. By nursing, I seriously mean it. He was worse than my mother: timing when I need to take my medicine, pumping me full of juice and soup, and then forcing me to shower. I wasn't sick enough to punch him in the chest to get him from following me into the bathroom to give me a sponge bath. That kid is my best friend, but fuck, I think us taking baths together stopped when we were five.
Okay, so we still take drunk showers together. Fuck you.
The point is, now I'm sitting in my math class on a Tuesday morning. Clyde brought me my homework, but that doesn't mean I actually did it. I can blame him too. He kept me distracted all weekend. I finished copying Broflovski's math homework while Stan was distracting him before I finally notice that Clyde isn't here. I pull out my phone and start texting before Teacher Asshat barks at me to put my phone away and turn in my homework. Not even a minute later I could feel my phone vibrate in my pants.
So, like a good kid, I stayed in school the whole day instead of skipping the rest of the day to see Clyde. I mean, I was out for four days of school already. Not only that but Tweek and Token made sure I stayed in class. I lugged my book bag up the steps of the Donovan's before taking my key out and unlocking the door. I've had a key to Clyde's house for as long as I remember and he's had one to my house. My parents don't know of course that he has one to our house, but I don't think they would really care. And if they do, well, I don't really care if they do.
"Hey! Clyde! Are you home dick bag!" It's okay. I know his parents aren't home. I wouldn't say something like that around his mom. I love Clyde's mom. She's my second mom. Or third depending on if I'm at Tweek's or not. I shut and lock the door behind me on instinct and kick my shoes off like the good kid that I am before making my way up the stairs to Clyde's room. I can hear the TV playing what has to be Beast Wars. He's been on a Transformers fix lately. I blame Kevin. Fucking Kevin. I twist the knob of his door and slam it open. "Hope you're not jerking it to Tigerhawk because I'm coming in and I may get jealous."
"No. Tigerhawk is the dude. Airrazor is the girl." Clyde looks and sounds like shit. Beautiful Karma.
"My statement still stands. You've jacked off to me, so don't act straight when it comes to Beast Wars either." I can't help but smirk when I see him blush. Or maybe that's not a blush, maybe he's just flushed from the fever he no doubt has. "Well, I brought you your homework. Sorry I got you sick, dude." I jump into bed with the sitting biological death body.
"No no! I just got you healthy, get out of here, Craig!" It was almost cute thinking he could man handle me.
"Okay, okay. I'll leave." I rolled off of his bed and fixed my poncho. "Text me or something. Let me know if you get on Xbox. I'll kick your ass double time." I'm almost out of his room before I hear him start talking.
"Craig? Hey, Craig...?" His voice is just as nasally as mine was last week. "You think you can do me a favor?"
Fuck.
"Depends. I usually don't fuck people when they are sick" I turn to smirk at him and stick my tongue out. Poor Clyde doesn't even register that I've said anything. He's just looking at me with these hopeful, puppy dog eyes. I let out the most annoying sigh, which he probably won't even register still. "What Clyde?"
"...Can you make me some soup? Mom won't be home for like a few more hours."
Fuck.
"Seriously? You can't... like make it yourself? You know I can't cook."
"It's only soup! Come on Bro, I made some for you... Don't you love me?" Clyde fucking Donovon. Why are you my best friend?
"Clyde, don't give me that. I brought you your homework." My default stance: arms crossed.
"Come on Craig... I'm so hungry." He starts making a dramatic display of rolling around on his bed, keeping his eyes locked on me. No way he's as sick as I was. Then again, Clyde normally has enough energy for the both of us, so maybe when he's sick, he only has enough energy to fill his body alone.
"You're always hungry, Fat Ass." I rolled my eyes and started walking away from him. Clyde isn't fat, Fat Ass has become sort of a pet name I've given him. Clyde is not Eric Cartman fat. When Broflovski calls Cartman fat, that kid means it. When I call Clyde that, I don't mean it. I call him Fat Ass, he calls me...
"Shnukums... Please? Please?"
"Leave me alone I'm doing it!"
Fuck.
That's all I can think when I look at the can of soup on the counter. I've been staring at it for the past three minutes, trying to summon lasers out of my eyes hoping that either the can will explode and the soup just magically lands in the bowl or the can just explodes through the roof to Clyde. Either would make me so happy.
Laugh all you want, but I don't cook. Everything I touch turns to shit. Water? Yeah, I can burn that? Sandwich? Yeah, that shit is on fire when I'm done. So soup shouldn't be a problem right? No. So many questions. I mean, do you cook it in a pot? Microwave right? Wait, you don't do it on the stove unless you are like, cooking it from scratch , right?
"Okay, I've got this..." I grab the can opener from the drawer as if this was my house. This home is just a second home to me. I know where everything is. I open the can in the most failed attempt ever. My thumb is sliced open and I had to put the task of soup making on hold to bandage myself up. Not only that, but I had to clean the blood from the counter.
Fuck.
Clyde fucking Donovan. Why are we friends? After the shit medic job I performed, I poured the gooey mess of tomato soup in the bowl. It looks thick, but whatever. It's better that way right? At least all the Chunky Man commercials say so. Ignore that this is Campbell's tomato soup. Wait, they are from the same company, right? Okay so, soup is now in the bowl and now I just need juice. I checked to see if there was some in the fridge and there are like fifteen different kinds in there. Well, not fifteen, but three. It's still two more than necessary. Juice is poured and all that is left is to make this the fanciest shit Clyde's ever seen. I put my blood in this, so he better be blown away.
I grabbed one of the dinner plates from the cabinet and put the bowl and cup on it. Even if this house is second nature to me, I don't know if the Donovan's own a serving tray. I'm still surprised that my family even has something like that. Anyway, nothing like a make shift tray. I look down at what has to be the best meal ever. I made my way up the stairs at a slower pace then I'd like. I filled the glass of juice a little too much and now I'm playing a balancing act of not spilling a drop. When I finally make it back to the room, Clyde's still laying on the bed where I left him.
"Your meal, your majesty." I don't even look up at him, I'm still looking at the balancing act I'm holding.
"Wait, really...?" He was looking at his phone. "You were gone for like... literally seven minutes. Did you even heat it up-"
"Fuck!" The glass of juice I was carrying was now all over the carpet. I knew I should have just drank some before carrying it. Not like I was going to get sick drinking from his cup before him.
"Hey, Craig. It's cool. It's just juice. Not like we have more."
"Yeah, I know! You've got like fifteen different kinds! Here take your damn soup." I shoved the plate and bowl in Clyde's hands before walking to Clyde's connected bathroom to grab a towel. Gotta clean up the citric mess that wouldn't even be there if Clyde didn't fucking beg like a dog for soup. When I walked back into the room, Clyde's staring down at his bowl of soup like I just handed him a bowl of shit.
"Did... you not like, cook this...? Or mix water with it?"
"What?"
"This type of soup, you've got to mix it with water. Not only that, I mean, you have to cook it. This is just tomato paste." He started to laugh and cough at my wonderful gift of cooking.
"Yeah? Well you know what Clyde, you can go fuck yourself! Fuck this! I wouldn't have had to do this is you weren't fucking sick! This is all your fault!" I threw the towel on the floor for dramatic effect. Yeah. Take that asshole. I fumed over to his door, wanting to get out and away from this douche bag that is my best friend. He can cook his own damn soup.
"What? Hey, Craig, I was just say- Craig? Hey!" Last I heard was him coughing before I slammed the door shut to his house. Fuck this.
"So you left him there, in a pool of soup and juice?" Token dead panned to me across from the booth we were sitting at in Taco Bell.
"He wasn't in a pool of it. He was perfectly clean. Weren't you listening? Juice goes on floor, soup in bowl." I made my point more clear by knocking over Tweek's nacho bowl over and raising up a small container of hot sauce.
"Ah! Hey! I was eating that!" Tweek scrambled to put his melted cheese back into the bowl. "You're an asshole, Craig!"
"I listened and all, but I have to say, that I agree with Tweek. You're an asshole. Granted this isn't anything new." Token started eating his burrito. "He was your personal nurse last week when you were sick and you just-"
"Did he dress as a nurse for you too?" Tweek snickered after he finished eating what he wanted off his tray. He had nothing for me to throw now.
"... made the worst sick visit I've ever heard. I don't know why you guys are "best bros" sometimes."
"That's what I've been trying to figure out!" I slammed my fist on the counter. Tweek jumped in his chair. Say something again Tweek. I'll make you piss your pants next time. "Finally, someone's getting on the same wavelength as me."
"No. Okay, let me rephrase that," Token let out the same annoyed sigh I usually have when I'm with Clyde or Tweek. "Basically, I don't know why Clyde puts up with your ass sometimes. I love you man, but you can be the biggest douchebag I know." Okay, not on the same wavelength.
"Okay, this totally isn't new, okay? We all know Craig is a dick." I took a long drink of my Sprite and Fanta mixture.
"Yeah. Just saying. One day, you're going to really do something that's fucked up enough to just... Well, enough for him to dump you on your ass and I honestly think you would lose your shit without that kid. You two are just as bad as Kyle and Stan with their Super Best Friendship thing, but a little more warped and not as gay."
"No, I'm pretty sure they are just as gay as those two" Tweek hum and coughed to the side. I'm going to make this kid piss his pants right here.
"Okay, maybe just as gay." I want to bitch slap that smirk of his gorgeous manly face. I would have if I wasn't so focused on making Tweek pee. I started to spit ice at him.
"Craig! Stop! That's gross! You'll get me sick! A-Ah! Token! Token make him stop! He listens to you!" Making Tweek spazz out has to be one of my favorite past times. Right up there with masturbation. Fuck you. I'm hot and it's the closest thing to sex with myself as I can get. Now I've got Tweek spazzing and jumping. It's time to either make him piss or run. I put a few pieces of ice in my mouth and started to fake cough. "A-ah! Fuck this! Token! I'm going to wait outside!"
Tweek stumbled out of the bench trying to get as far away from my germ missiles. He even knocked into a guy trying to escape, screaming in the Tweek fashion.
"Okay, so where were we?" I crunched on the ice and looked back to Token, who looked so like he was exhausted or annoyed or something.
"I swear, I'm like a mom with you three."
"Whatever. You know you love it. Anyway, you make it sound like Clyde and I are dating or some shit. Like I'm some horrible abusive boyfriend." My eyebrow quirked high on my forehead. I was focusing on how Token was going to handle his next move. Let him tell me I was some abusive boyfriend of Clyde's. Once more, I'll slap that beautiful smirk off his face like some diva bitch.
"You said it not me. I was just saying you're an asshole a lot of the time. Clyde gets the brunt of it because you two are so close and you think he's just going to forever take it from you. Kyle's had to put Stan in his place a few times. I'm just surprised Clyde hasn't done it to you yet."
"Fuck you Token. Clyde's not some pussy like Broflovski and I'm not that big of a prick. " Again, default stance: arms crossed.
"Okay Dude, whatever you say." Token sighed and stood up. It was obvious he was done with me. Just like a mom does with a kid having a tantrum. Mama Token was done with Baby Craig. "I'm heading over to Wendy's after I drop Tweek off at his place. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, he was gone. My ride had left. Who's the asshole horrible-mother-friend now?
So now here I am in a dirty Taco Bell, given the cue by Token that I need to do some life reflecting. He always does this to me. He's the only one that can get away with it really. Let's see if Token really knows what he's talking about. Being the cocky asshole that I am, I doubt that. Honestly, all I did was leave Clyde in a rage. It's not like I haven't done that before. Just that this time, there is orange juice on his floor and he gets cold soup. I did get a cut thumb though, so it's not all just one sided here. That's his bad.
Okay, maybe it's mine. I am a dumb ass that is incapable of opening a can of soup. Shit.
And Clyde did baby me back to health last week. I'll never admit that to his face or anyone else's face though.
One thing Token said to me did stick out though. If Clyde was to just stop talking to me, would I really flip my shit? It's not like we do everything together. We aren't like those douche bags Broflovski and Marsh. Not like we have stupid friendship matchey crap-
Wait no. I have that washing machine key chain and he has that taco key chain. We had to take this from different packs so they would make more sense to us. Okay, who cares about trinkets.
We go to school together- that's okay I can walk with Tweek or something. Well maybe not. His shit would get old quick and he hardly ever stays in school anyway. Token is always busy driving with Wendy since they started dating and all.
We play video games together- I can always get other people to play with online... Well, maybe. I hardly ever keep people on my team because everyone else sucks ass and Clyde knows exactly how I work on Co-op.
And... We do have sleep overs like 9 year old girls.
We go waste time together at the mall of all places, granted it's more like Clyde drags me there.
We have keys to each others house.
We have drunk showers together.
We do a lot of drunk things together.
We do a lot of gay things together.
We spend most of our time together.
Together.
Fucking. Shit.
Swallow pride. Swallow pride and open the door. Open the door. Open the fucking door-
"So... uh, are you just going to stand there...?"
"Maybe." I was staring straight ahead looking past Clyde's head. I was so focused on my own cheerleading that I didn't even notice him opening the door.
"...Okay. Well, I'm just going to-"
"I'm sorry."
"What?" Clyde's eyes widened. I don't blame him. I'm pretty shocked myself. I don't really apologize.
"I said I was sorry. I am sorry. Did you clean the juice up?"
"Uh... Yeah. After you left. Are you okay?" He tilted his head and put his hand on my forehead like he was checking my temperature. Yeah, me apologizing is some weird shit.
"Yeah I'm fine. I brought you Taco Bell. I know you eat this garbage like it's the best thing in the world. Come on," I grabbed his hand off my forehead and walked us into his room. We made it to his bed and I pushed him down on it before putting the bag of greasey goodness in his lap.
"U-Uhm. Thanks, Craig! This is... Well, this is more than I can probably eat-"
"I got you five beef tacos, five soft beef tacos, three gorditas, two nacho things and three burritos. I'm sorry okay." This is uncomfortable. I don't like apologizing. I'm much more pro at being an asshole.
"Wow. Thanks. So... how much do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Fuck, are you that dumb? Can't you see I'm apologizing?" Default stance again, arms crossed. Clyde of course counters with his default of a pout and sad look in his eyes when he knows I'm annoyed. "Okay, see I didn't mean that. It's just a reflex. You know how I am. I don't do this."
"Yeah I know." Clyde chuckled and started eating his soft tacos between sniffling and coughing. "I don't think you've ever apologized to me. What made you do this, Shnukums?"
"It's just something you're supposed to do for your bro, right? You're always telling me that crap."
Clyde fucking Donovon. Why are we best friends?
Because you're the only person that will put up with me.