AN: Hi dearest readers in twilight land, I'm re-posting this story in separate chapters, finally!

This is the first in a series of stories, following Bella and her journey through life.

This story is M rated. There will be sexual content, although, I'm keeping the offensive language to a minimum.

Ms Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters, the lucky lady. I own a goldfish.

Journey to my soul's other self.

Chapter One. What the hell do I do now?

Dear Nan,

I just had to start writing this whole situation down.

I'm sure you'd have plenty to say if you were here with me today. Even though you're on the other side, it doesn't mean that I don't value your great listening skills and powers of observation.

Here's the thing Nan, how did everything manage to get so messed up?

I tried to be good.

I tried to be considerate, a good student, polite, quiet, thoughtful, obliging, friendly, but it was never enough.

Me; Bella Swan being a dutiful daughter, smiling and keeping everything on track was something Renee never took any notice of.

Nan, how did your only daughter Renee manage to be such a thoughtless airhead?

Renee sure did notice when her social life was impacted, or there were things that I wasn't able to handle. I mean there was only so much that Charlie's child support cheque and my part time job could pay for.

I've tried hard to talk to Renee. If things aren't to her liking, she chooses not to hear them. I've lost count of the times I have tried.

Apparently I am 'dragging her down with my negative vibes'.

Shouldn't a kid spend her childhood happy and supported?

Isn't a mother supposed to hear her child?

Why would a mother not hear her child's cries?

Wouldn't most mothers care if her child is feeling unsafe in her own home?

I always feel unsafe thanks to Renee's choice of the men she always drags home.

Renee never let small things like have a kid, or not enough money get in the way of having a 'good time'.

For the last three years, since you passed on Nan, things have really gone down hill.

You are the only one I can confide in Nan; no one would believe me would they?

Of all the creeps hanging around with Renee, Phil has to be the most sneaky, the most devious and unfortunately for me, the one who Renee trusts the most. She's finally agreed to marry him!

Last night was the last straw. He cornered me in the kitchen. Rene had flaked out on the sofa snoring. They had both been celebrating their upcoming wedding. Whisky was what they consumed this time. Usually vodka was their choice of poison.

Phil pinned me against the kitchen cupboards. I was trying to quietly make a sandwich for my dinner. He crept up behind me before I heard him. I felt trapped there, his arms either side of me. He blearily eyed me, whisky fumes strong on his breath, and he told me he had great plans for us.

He stated that he and I were going to become a lot closer, real soon. In fact as soon as he could move in with us, I should be prepared for learning all about how to please a man. He told me that I should get used to getting to know him really, really well. So well, that once I was 18, he'd probably replace Renee for me.

He laughed and said that I was what got him interested in Renee in the first place. I caught his eye. I was a sweet little thing just waiting to be shown the ways of the world. He confided in me then that he 'preferred the young ones. They don't fight back, they can be trained.' Ugh the sicko creep!

What hell am I in? What do I do? He is three times my weight, easily a foot taller than me. How do I fight him off?

Just as he was leering a bit closer into my face, with his disgusting smelly body, he swayed to the side and lost his balance, crashing to the floor. I was able to make my escape to my room and lock myself in, thank God!

He made me feel sick and shaky. What kind of man professes love for a woman, like Renee and at the same time not only eyes off her kid, but propositions her under-age daughter like a sure thing?

What the hell was I supposed to do, agree to his obnoxious idea of playing happy families?

Or attempt to tell my idiot mother what he intended to do?

She didn't take any notice before. I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't like her various male visitors coming into my room. The men she bought home always woke me suddenly at any hour of the night, stumbling into my room. Creeps always either trying to feel me up, or playing with themselves while pretending to find to loo.

"Oops, sorry honey, I must have got the wrong door and come in here by mistake!"

"Heck! I thought this was Renee's room, you look so much like her in the dark!"

Not one of these men acted like they really cared for my welfare. Not one of them cared. I guess those were the ones who a woman like Renee attracted. They were just as thoughtless and selfish as her.

She told me to stop being such a drama queen and imagining that they would do anything bad. I obviously misunderstood their innocent intentions!

I just needed to start trusting these nice, friendly men, they never meant any harm!

Who was she kidding? She had been telling me this for a few years now, ever since she started dragging random men home from the bar.

The last time Phil happened to make his way under my bed covers, I woke up with a start, kicking and screaming like a wounded banshee before he left the room.

The very next morning, I went next door and borrowed my neighbour's tool kit and fixed a heavy-duty lock on the inside of my bedroom door. I was determined he would never have the chance to creep up on me in bed again. I hated him. I certainly wasn't going to make it easy for him to rape me.

Now I came and went through my window. Renee never bothered to question why my bedroom door didn't open any more. Luckily Renee is blind to my movements.

I just wish that she wasn't so deaf to my requests! What the hell am I going to do with filthy Phil's idea of being the ideal caring step father?

Maybe Nan, you might come up with something to save me from this crappy mess that is my life? I'd certainly appreciate any divine intervention on your side Nan.

I'm open to all the help I can get right now.

I can't handle this on my own anymore.

Only you can help me Nan!

I beg you to help.

Please, please don't leave me here to suffer alone anymore.

I miss you and love you.

Maybe send down some inspiration in a dream? Perhaps an angel to fly me away from this hell-hole?

Any miracles will be gladly received!

I'm going to try to catch some sleep and hope Phil doesn't figure a way to open my bedroom window in the night. I think he's probably still flaked out on the kitchen floor. (He's a nasty excuse for a human being.)

Send me some sweet dreams Nan, I sure could use them!

Your Bella always xxx

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