A/n

sorry for the hiatus, I had a rough couple of months so I thought I'd take some time for some meditation...and trigonometry.

anyway, I had this story for a while. At least in my mind, it just upset me that in 'a foot too big.' April had a chance to let Donnie free and instead she chose to kiss him. And if you read my journals in Deviant art you might realize I have more then a little bit of anger towards her. But in this story I tried to focus on April's personality that I had seen in her past incarnations, traits that I don't see in this April but I know are there. I know she's not horrible. And someday, even if the series doesn't go the way I want I'll get over it. But this is something I feel should of happened by now. Also thanks to Sanru for all her help :) without her help I don't think I'd have the confidence to put this up

And if my nightmares come true and April and Donnie do (heave) get together then I won't worry about it. I'll just stop watching the series

Just kidding

enjoy :)

(#)(#)\/(#)(#)

The sound of laughter made the sore muscles on the back of Raph's neck twitch. His frayed ninja paranoia gave him the urge to glance around to the window facing his shell. But the light coming from it that danced around him told him of the good time being held inside. Leo, Mikey, Donnie and Casey were probably watching Mikey's new favorite show. He had a new one every year it seemed. But his hope was the three of the inside dwellers had finally managed to coax the obsessed orange turtle into watching ANYTHING else. Heck, at this rate he'd even take a morning television show with four middle aged Hollywood wives talking about their favorite spaghetti recipes. As long as he wasn't watching that barbarian show or the twenty four hours coverage of the New York Disaster. Raph had caught Leo watching it at one point, during his many hours of couch rest. Raph then had to make a announcement to the entire household that if he caught ANYONE watching that channel he was going to toss the television out the door.

Needless to say, the News Coverage was avoided like the plague

Maybe it was fitting that the light dancing out the window couldn't penetrate the shadow he cast on the ground.

Even he could see the poetic coincidental sonnet in that.

He was sure that one of those words matched what he was thinking

Maybe

Raph glanced back at the window for a moment before letting his head slump back down. His arms draped over his knees. Sitting on the front porch was NOT how he had expected or wanted to spend this evening. Especially in this bitterly cold evening, every breath that came from his mouth was weighed down from cold and dropped down to the steps he was sitting on. He was actually grateful that his brothers had stopped coming outside to ask him if he was ok. Especially Leo, he needed to stay off his leg. He just wanted them to stay away for now.

Atleast until April got back

A part of him thought it was almost futile. Since Donnie now had "April'" Senses that had the uncanny ability to sniff out the red head whenever she got close. But today's events proved his subjection to the cold necessary. When April and Donnie had come back to the house, Don's face had been so flushed it could of rivaled the red of his mask. And despite the sigh that kept fighting for recognition in his throat he bit it back. Choosing silence and restraint. A act he was sure Splinter would of been proud of.

He missed his father

Headlights illuminated down the driveway. The 'party wagon' bouncing up on the rocky driveway as though it were a great mountain trail and not a grainy driveway. But that was the difference between that and the Shell-Raiser. Given the choice he'd push this car back into the museum it belonged to and raise the Shell-Raiser from the grave. And now he was just distracting himself

The rusty driver's door popped open. The only female in their little family, at least the only female not part snake, jumped out of the bug bus wrapped in her large black hoody. Her eyes clouded with thought until they fell on him. They lit up with surprise and kindness that he had only known in her eyes.

But they only made his stomach churn

"Hey!" April smiled with a short wave," what are you doing out here in the cold? You're going to freeze your shell off Raph."

"Just thought you might want help with the groceries."

"You thought you'd help with a bag of ice-cream? Sure ok." she laughed lightly

Raph stood up, shaking his arms out lightly and with it the cold before he followed April to the back of the van. His eyes bounced to the porch door again. Thankfully April's return hadn't sent any of his brothers back out the door in the promise of ice cream or the red heads company. Especially Donnie or Casey, their rivalry for the red heads affection was even more obvious without the distraction of the Foot Clan or Kraang.

Hopefully that made things easier

When April ducked behind the van , Raph gave the porch one last glance to satisfy his ninja paranoia before ducking after her. Taking the back door handle and pulling the door open. April leaned to take the one box when Raph reached out and took her shoulder. Drawing her attention back to him in slight confusion. Her eyes asking the question but not the irritation he would of had if someone had took his arm, "Raph? Are you sure you're ok?"

"We need to talk." The one skill he wasn't particularly good at. He looked behind him again before looking to his friend. His first friend that wasn't related to him. A friendship he so needed and didn't want to risk.

But there was something mattered more than friendship. Something Master Splinter had nailed into his head, sometimes with his staff, every day for ten years. Something he didn't truly understand till he realized how easy it was to lose it

Brotherhood

Blue eyes searched his for a moment. Concern more than anything. She probably though he was going to relent and talk about the anger he had been stuffing upon abandoning New York. Or the frustration at being stranded in the middle of nowhere. The fear of Leo never waking up, or now, never walking again.

He wished

That would of been easier

"It was nice of you to try and help Bigfoot." Though he wasn't sure that name could fit a girl, but it made the entire obsession it had had with Donnie even funnier

The corner of Aprils' mouth twitched lightly in a weak attempt to smile, maybe even relief, "I couldn't do nothing. Her little crush on Donnie was cute."

"Sound like anyone else you know?" The laughter that followed didn't ease the tension in his stomach. Not like it did when Mikey laughed at his 'Donnie puppet'. If anything it made it worse. Raph crossed his arms over his chest, checking the wind for the sound of approaching footsteps, thankfully there were none, "I know you kissed Don."

That killed the laugh. The smile dropped from April's face faster than light, she looked away for a moment. Embarrassment? Maybe, it wasn't like April walked around telling people who she kissed. Or kissed a lot of people, not that he would know, "I-I guess we weren't exactly in private. I should have known someone would see if we were in the middle of the front yard."

"That's not how I know, he told me."

"He did?" yup, there was embarrassment that time

"Yeah, I know he only told me, "God knows why, "It might have been because I was the first person he saw. Or because I had the stupid idea to ask him how his day was going. So he told me, he was shaking, smiling like an idiot. I thought he might loosen his teeth he was shaking so badly. You would have thought he'd just invented World Peace. Or Air."

April didn't say anything, but watched his face. She was probably wondering where he was going at with this. Raph had always been grateful that she wasn't able to read minds. Otherwise his 'friendly' attitude would have been blown to smithereens, "Ok? But why are we talking about it? I-I've kissed Donnie before."

"This is different. You're smart, you knew since day one he's been obsessed with you. Since the minute he laid eyes on you, and it almost killed him when you said you'd never talk to us again. I heard him crying about it for days in his room. Not eating not sleeping... Determined to save your father to save whatever chance he had with you "Still no one approaching. Good, "Not that he's great at hiding his emotions. I don't know, maybe this has been his attempt to hide it, "That was a scary thought, "He's always been a crummy lair. But I've kept my mouth shut, other than the teasing." Raph shrugged lightly, allowing himself a grin, "A turtle has to have his fun."

"Soooo why are we talking now?"

That was a good question. Anyone would be awkward to be talking to their friend about kissing their younger brother," Because of Casey." cue the eye widening. Though it wasn't that much, her eyes were already huge, 'Because I've been friends with Casey for a while now too. He likes you, he paints freaking graffiti of you. And that you had a crush on him-"

"What?!" An angry blush flared across her face, "No I don't! I never did-"

"Well apparently that was the rumor going around your school. Maybe its true. Maybe its not. I don't care. "Raph was grateful the back van door was blocking them from the window, atleast no nosey jerks could read their lips. Where was the excuse? April wasn't stupid, she always knew what to say. Whether she was smart on her own or because of the 'half Kraang DNA. The color on April's face turned deeper, a little voice in the back of Raphael's' mind told him to drop it. To stop while he had a chance, while they were still friends.

To stop risking the friendship of one of the few people he depended on to protect her from his own anger.

But there was a stronger part of him

A part of him that wanted to protect his brothers

To protect Donnie

"So I want to know, right know." her eyes turned back to his, now wary of his words, "Do you have feelings for him? Or for Casey?"

"I-I." Aprils' lips tripped over themselves. Eyes bounced around the little 'meeting place' to the box of melting ice-cream to the driveway that offered a path away from this conversation. Freedom from his words. But Raph knew better then to think she'd take that path, she wasn't a coward, "I-I don't know. Th-things have been weird lately. We-we were h-homeless. I-I lost my D-Dad again, I s-saw my M-Mom. Well a a- clone of my m-mom."

Not good enough. Raph's arm curved back and slammed into the metal inner wall of the van. The metal dented easily and stopped the stuttering ceased immediately. Even in the dark Raph could see her eyes dilate to near needle points. Maybe she thought that could of been her head. No Never, Raph could never hurt her, or his friends.

But he needed her to stop talking

To stop coming up with excuses

"Is that your answer? 'I don't know'?'"

"I-" April shut her mouth again. She probably realized he wasn't going to accept anything other than a straight answer. Good. That would help the conversation along," I don't know."

"You've known us for a year now, if you hadn't had feelings for him by now chances are you probably never are. And that's fine. I'm not here trying to be a BF who wants to see his brother and friend get together. But you know what he told me? With big hopeful eyes?" he pitched his voice lightly," 'and to think! I had just told her I had given up!' "annoyance flashed over Aprils face for a moment, " he had given up on you. He was letting you go, and you decided to kiss him. You decided to lead him on further, you decided you weren't done letting him drool all over you, him or Casey-"

"I didn't do it on purpose!" April snapped, she deserved a outburst, he knew that. She had been patient, "I never asked either of them to like me! It was their choice-"

"But you could of let him GO!" Raph shouted, "Do you know how many times he almost got KILLED trying ot save you!? Or how much it HURT him when you kicked us out of our lives for something we didn't do?! How much it HURT him every time you took a interest in Casey?! Or hurt Casey when you took a interest in Donnie!? Or Hell every single DAM time you gave him HOPE when there clearly isn't any!? His feelings for you have WARPED him so bad his biggest fear is YOU hating him! THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU'RE TWISTING HIM-"

A fist connected with his face, not nearly as powerful as the ones he was used to, it barely did anything but turn his face lightly. April's anger glared at him like hot fire. Wanting to lash out further and take anything and everything with it that it could. But slowly he saw tears fill her eyes, her raised fist began to shake as her form doubled over. She sank down onto one knee her hands going up to her face as her shoulders joined her tremble. Raph could of shoved a knife in his knee but still not felt better for making her this upset. He knelt down and put a hand on her shoulder, gently turning her so her back was to the van to lean again, his hand moving to grip her other shoulder in a one armed hug and her head to his shoulder.

He breathed his anger out, allowing April a few minutes to sit there in her tears. Crying out all the anger and frustration. Whatever they maybe from the past. Maybe it was anger that she had ever met the turtles? Anger at him for being so harsh?

Anger that even out here in the middle of nowhere, the horrors of New York were still haunting them?

he felt her sobs lessen, till her breathing finally evened out, Wiping her face on her wrists till finally the grief was gone, Her eyes were blood shot and tears streaks sparkled in the night, Raph wet his lips for a moment, his voice soft, "I'm not saying you have to stop being our friend. I'm not even saying you have to stop being their friend. But as long as you keep letting Donnie believe he has a chance with you, when there is none, the longer you're going to hurt him."

Raph half expected to be clocked in the face again. But instead Aprils chin dipped ever so lightly in a nod, "I-I never meant to hur-hurt anyone." her voice trembled, "I never meant for any of it."

"I know." He nodded with her, squeezing her shoulder for a moment. Letting her stay on the ground as eh stood back up and took the box. Luckily the ice-cream still seemed frozen. "Mikey's spicy gummy worm ice-cream is still cold, let's get it inside before it melts. "

"Y-Yeah." atleast she sounded normal. She would probably blame her face on the cold. April would never let it know she had cried. If she did, there would be a whole lot of hell rained on him in the form of his brothers and Casey. Not that he didn't deserve it, "You're a lot nicer then you want people to know."

Raph's face screwed up in disgust. Mostly for the laugh that April responded with. But it only added to her 'he's not entirely an ass' theory. She moved forward to head for the house when Raph took her elbow, "Ape?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that stupid Greek legend? One of the stories Master Splinter used to share with us, About the guy who stole fire and gave it to humanity? How his brother took the credit for it to save him? it ended up that lightning bearded guy, Zeus, Teus, what ever, chained him to stone and had freaking birds pecking him alive and eating his organs and everyday they'd heal over and he'd have to go through that shit all over again."

"You mean Hephatus?"

"I don't know. There's' a million Greek legends about people getting their organs eaten or pushing giant boulders up stupid cliffs and having to live through the same thing all over again. But Hephatus , or what ever his name was, knew the consequences of his actions. He had to of known. But he still put himself through that crap for his brother. I don't think his brother even knew what had happened to him. Cause they didn't always get along, I don't think he ever knew his brother cared for him that much."

A hand dripped his shoulder, drawing his eyes back to his friend. The anger anguish and sorrow that had overcome her in the span of a few short minutes were replaced with a smile that renewed their friendship. In that touch a promise so silence was made. To never speak of what happened there ever again. To go back inside and watch Mikey devour his ice-cream, to watch another movie from the seventies that hadn't existed anywhere in years. To go through days with neither blame for one another or resentment

No matter what had happened