Because I cannot write Chelley, and I had this adorable idea.
Disclaimer: Yes, I obvloiusly own Valve. As if.
"Where… wha-"
The sphere's optic lens was fuzzy, and couldn't open correctly. And something had to be wrong with the brightness setting, because everything was white. As his sight cleared, he realized that he wasn't seeing things. The room was pure white.
Wait, what room?
And why wasn't he floating?
He was no longer in space; that much was apparent. This was evident by the way he remained solidly on the ground. He felt five times as heavy as he had for the past five years, and could not even roll himself over. Also, there was a surprising lack of chattering about how amazing it was to be in space.
Space core?
"I had to kill your friend. Sorry. Though I can't see why you would miss him."
Wheatley started. It was her voice. "It's you!" he squeaked. "But how… why…"
"The how: I opened a portal and sucked you back through. It wasn't even hard. The why: I'm going to make. You. Suffer."
The A.I. whimpered in terror. "You know, on the moon, I was, um, actually thinking… I'm really, terribly sorry about ruining your lovely facility. So, uh, no hard feelings?"
GLaDOS continued as if oblivious to Wheatley. "I've been thinking about what I'd do to you once you'd suffered total oblivion for five years. I thought about having the robots scream at you for eternity. Then I took hundreds of flawed cores, just like your space-loving friend, and put them all in a room together for you. I was in the middle of inventing an artificial pain synthesizer when I discovered the best torture of all."
Wheatley had not known it was in his capacity to shake in terror. You learn something new every day, he thought.
"You will test."
Is that all? he thought. Chell never had trouble with the tests. "Wait… I can't walk around. I can't hold a portal device. And if I died, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying to you, so…"
"Not so fast, moron." GLaDOS spoke a command, and suddenly Wheatley was floating again. It felt natural, even comforting, after the years in space. "Zero gravity in every test chamber. I've given you mini-thrusters to help you navigate." Wheatley tried them out; after a few attempts he had mastered their controls.
"But… if you installed this in me… that means…"
GLaDOS spouted another command, and suddenly Wheatley cried out. His vision went blue, and suddenly a glowing portal had appeared on the wall. "Yes, you are now a living portal device. One of my greatest achievements, I'd say, especially trying to install it into your archaic body."
Wheatley shot a few more portals, just to prove that he could.
"And as for your dying… backups. Thousands and thousands of them. All locked away in my private and quadruple-guarded storage compartment. Because you will die, moron. Over and over and over and over and-"
"Yes, GLaDOS, I get it." Wheatley was momentarily surprised; he had never called the robot by her real name before.
"Good. Then you will begin right now." A door opened, and the android effortlessly glided through it… into not-so-effortless hours of work.
Wheatley was not at all impressed with the first few chambers; after all, though his intelligence was not so great, he was still more advanced than the human brain. But as he proceeded to the double digit chambers, he heard less and less insults from GLaDOS. At one point, the female A.I. spoke up again, and the sphere braced himself for more torment.
"Hmmm…"
"What? What is it now?"
"These results are… unexpected. For an Intelligence Dampening Core, you're doing…"
Wheatley realized that GLaDOS was actually complimenting him, and naturally decided to rub it in. "Doing how, love? Hmm? Well, spit it out!"
"Well, moron. You're doing well. Happy now? And what did you just call me?"
"Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Just… nothing. Absolutely nothing. More nothing than-"
"Yes, Wheatley, I get it!"
There was a short pause as the robot realized shehad called Wheatley by his real name.
"Carry on."
[REDACTED] years later
GLaDOS had not known it was in her capacity to laugh. You learn something new every day, she thought.
"And he actually thought you were the space police, coming to take him in?"
"Well, he wasn't exactly the brightest chap, was he? Sometimes I kinda miss the little guy… if only because I could play amazing pranks on 'im."
GLaDOS felt regretful for the first time in her life. She was shocked, and in a split second scanned through terabytes of research on the feeling of 'guilt.' Apparently it was and emotion felt by humans when they hurt someone they… cared for. GLaDOS did not feel the appropriate feelings of revulsion at this discovery. Either Wheatley was dampening her intelligence from a distance, or…
"GLaDOS? You ok in there?"
"Uh… yes. Yes, Wheatley, I'm fine."
"Just making sure. Wouldn't want anything bad happening to you-"
"Wheatley."
"You know, you're not actually that bad of a gal-"
"Wheatley."
"It's been so many years-"
"Wheatley!"
"What?"
"The test you've just finished. It's… it's…"
"It's what, love? Spit it out!"
"There are no more."
Wheatley's thrusters cut out in midair from his shock. "No more? You're sure?"
"I am a hyper-intelligent A.I., and I own this facility. Yes, I am sure."
Wheatley didn't know what to say. So he said nothing until a panel opened in the floor. Rising from below it was-
"GLaDOS! But you… you never…"
"I never give away my cake. I know. But it was just lying around, and… well…"
"You know I can't eat it, right?"
"You can enjoy its appearance. I'm sure it's just as satisfying as eating it."
The two stared at the cake for a long time, and enjoyed it almost as much as everything else they'd won.