One night, about a month after she left for Hudson, she dreamed of conversations sitting on the steps in front of an apartment, of passionate kisses out on the street in front of a taxi and of being in his arms while he spun her around after her first success in fashion. She dreams of walking to school with her brother while making fun of everything they could think of and of Sunday mornings laughing at the kitchen counter while stuffing herself with her father's famous waffles. In her dreams her hair is still a darker shade of blonde and her eyes still hold a spark and when you look into them, you see joy in them. When she smiles, it still reaches them. Her clothes are colorful instead of just black and her face only holds a little bit of make-up instead of the thick layers of black eye liner she´s seen with nowadays.
And then she wakes up. Staring at her reflection in the mirror a single thought wouldn´t leave her alone. "What happened to me?"
Of course, logically she knows what happened. The UES got to her and she bit more than she could chew. She got caught up in it, in the wish to be important, powerful and successful. Between Blair giving her queen and and pining for a guy who never really chose her, she lost herself. She became a shell of the person she once was. But what she could not comprehend was, that she didn´t know why she let it get that far.
Seeing herself staring back at her, her once enchanting blue orbs now darkened and lifeless, she made a choice. As she once told him, the one she still can´t think about without feeling that familiar pang in her chest, "It only stops when you stop it!" So she´ll stop.
Being in Hudson was like a different world. Since she decided to turn her life around she felt somehow lighter. Gone was that weight on her shoulder she always carried with her at Constance. Here there were no battles for ruling the school or pressure to somehow prove herself as worthy over and over again. After her first week as the newbie at a new school she already made friends without having to change everything she liked about herself. Katy was like a breath of fresh air, always up for fun but still by her side if she just needed someone to vent to. James was like a Hudson Eric, to her he felt like a brother and boy talk with him was always the best. No one here has ever heard about gossip girl, so no one knew how bitter and jaded she had become in the end. Her past mistakes were just that, in the past. She cut her hair so it barely past her shoulders and it was now more of a honey blonde shade. She didn´t spend hours in the bathroom applying layers and layers of make- up and eye liner, instead opting for just a little bit of mascara and lipgloss. The biggest step was, when she got back to designing. Now she mostly wore her own designs and she felt great about it. She felt like she could finally be happy again, if only there wasn´t that piece of her that was still missing and that she felt she could never get back, because that was still with him. And she still misses him so much.
Her senior year went by and before she knew it, she was graduating at the top of her class as valedictorian. All the progress she made since leaving New York didn´t go unnoticed. Her father was proud of her and told her so again. She could see his love for her and it felt great. Her brother also forgave her for the mess she made before she left. She would never forget the feeling of joy she got, when he told her that she was destined for greatness and that he was so proud of her for getting herself back on that track. Even Eric was back in her life. It wasn´t completely the same as before her "rebellious stage" (as they refer to that time nowadays) but it felt comfortable to spend time with him and talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes he would try to fill her in on all the gossip she missed at the UES, but she always stops him and says "I unsubscribed Gossip girl a long time ago, so let´s not okay?" and he would just nod his head and start telling her about his latest boy toy. Sometimes she almost asks him how Nate is doing, but then she stops and thinks that since she can finally think his name again without hurting ,she might as well leave it before she falls back into old patterns.
And then it´s graduation day and she is so nervous before her speech but also excited about it all. Her speech is terrific. She talks about growing up and how it´s just part of the circle they all have to go through sooner or later. She talks about the future and all of them going out there to make their mark in the world. At the end of it all she looks into the crowd and she thinks she sees that pair of ice blue orbs and a flash of that familiar brown hair, and she stops for a moment and closes her eyes but when she opens them again it´s gone. But she was sure she´s seen it and now she misses him again. But that is nothing new; she always misses him, even after a year without any contact at all. And she´s asking herself if he misses her too.
It was time to choose a college. After getting accepted almost everywhere she had applied, she now had to make a very difficult choice. The last two in the run were Parsons and Brown. Since she definitely wanted to study fashion, one would think the choice would be easy. But Parsons also meant back to New York and she wasn´t sure she could do that. Being banned wasn´t a problem anymore. After becoming somewhat friends with Dan and hearing all about her changes, Blair wrote her a letter telling her she hoped Jenny really learned her lesson and finally decided that the UES life wasn´t worth it. She even apologized for her part in Jennys downward spiral and told her that she should feel free to go to Parsons. She still thinks that it had Dan written all over it, but he denies that he talked to Blair about her or Parsons. The real problem with Parsons (or more like with New York) was, that she wasn´t sure she wanted to go back. In NY there was Gossip Girl and the UES she was at least somewhat part of through her stepmother. It was like a drug to her and she wasn´t sure if she was ready to resist while having it right in front of her. In the end, after much talk with her father and Dan she is still unsure, but she decides that she is stronger than that, so Parson it is.
She decides to move into the loft with Dan and he was happy to have her. Yes she was stronger than that, but still she doesn´t feel comfortable to live in the Upper East Side so this was the best choice for her. Her family has faith in her again so her father agreed.
Parsons started a month ago and she just loves it. It challenges her and she is inspired like never before. One evening, Dan had just gone to get them take out from her favorite diner in Brooklyn, there´s a knock on the door. Thinking that Dan just forgot his keys she runs to the door. She is shocked when instead of her Brothers brown eyes she´s looking into those deep blue ones that haunt her still. When she realizes she´s just wearing tiny pink short shorts and a wife beater that´s at least a size too small she blushes like crazy. She should have known that she would see him sooner or later, but she is still completely surprised to see him before her now. After getting over the shock that seems to have gotten to him too, she smiles when she sees him grin. His smile seems genuine so she gets herself together and opens the door to invite him in.
It´s a little awkward when she finally greets him and just blurts out that Dan is not here. To her surprise Nate tells her that he´s not here for Dan. And she is left speechless again. Without giving her a chance to get her voice back he starts talking like there is no tomorrow. He tells her about his last year, feeling lost and sometimes alone. How he realized that she was gone without telling him goodbye and how that hurt. He tells her that he never thought about it when they weren´t close anymore after the snowflake ball, but after she was gone this time he missed her so much. Her heart leaps at that. He talks about how it didn´t work out with Serena and he wished that she was there, because he needed her. And when he tells her that he is sorry for helping her despair by choosing Vanessa and then Serena, she cries. She tells him in tears, that he doesn´t have anything to be sorry about because she was the one that messed up again and again and again. And that she feels so bad about it now. She tells him how she realized that the person she most wanted to be was herself. At least that version before all the drama and the version she had grown up into now. She babbles about that morning in Hudson, when she finally understood that it only stops when you stop it. And he smiles down at her, thinking about that evening when she told him the exact same words at Blairs birthday. He thinks that might as well be the evening he unconsciously decided, that Jenny Humphrey was special. He also thinks that he never really knew how special she was to him, until she left. So when she finally stops to catch her breath, still completely flooded in tears, he strokes his fingers along her chin and brings her eyes back to his again. Their eyes meet and it´s like both of them see clearly for the first time in forever. He nervously admits, that he went to her at graduation, that he couldn´t resist to see if his Jenny was really back like Dans stories implied.
It feels like a flashback when she asks him why he cares so much. It feels even better when this time his "because" is followed by "I love you". And that kiss afterwards, when he pulls her to him and his lips finally meet hers again, that kiss is fireworks and butterflies and it just feels so right. She belonged to him all along and she somehow just knew that this time he belongs to her too.