***Marik = Marik, and Mariku = Yami Marik, because in this alternate universe they're twins and their parents were the kind of jerks that would give twins names like Marik and Mariku. That's my in-story head-canon and I'm sticking to it, lol.

This story is kind of a joke. Because they're in a bathhouse, but there isn't an actual lemon in the story. Yeah, I have a weird sense of humor. I wasn't going to post this until later, but I'm bored, so yeah. Have a random one-shot everyone.***

"I don't even know how I let you assholes talk me into coming here" Mariku sighed as he walked into the bathhouse. "I'd have rather stayed at home today."

Bakura snorted. "See, that attitude is why you need to be here. A good lay is just what you need."

"I get laid all the time."

Marik waved his twin away. "Obviously not well, or you wouldn't be so uptight all the time."

"Whatever." Mariku walked down the hall, leaving his brother and his brother's no-he's-just-my-bed-buddy-and-has-been-for-the-last-twenty-one-years not spouse to go find their own entertainment.

Mariku went to the locker room, stripped off his clothes, and wrapped his waist in a towel. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the hours at the gym lifting weights and in the kitchen baking chicken showed in the curve of each well-cut bundle of muscle swelling from underneath tanned skin. He was thirty-seven, but Mariku had to admit he looked attractive, with his mess of gold hair and bright, lilac eyes. Mariku found an empty room and flopped on the bed, waiting for some random asshole to come in and fuck him. He liked sex, but the orgies and poppers and college boys drunk on intellectualism and social defiance were starting to grind down on his nerves. Would it hurt to stay at home a few weekends?

Apparently. He was tall and strong and often got called a short-tempered asshole (he didn't put up with bullshit, and that somehow made him an asshole). Because of those traits, everyone expected him to party, and fuck, and party, and fuck, and party, and always top, and fucking seriously - how in the hell did larger biceps get equated to topping?

He just wanted to read a book and stay sober for a weekend. Why was that so taboo? Bored, even if frustrated with his own thoughts, Mariku started tracing the little mounds of muscle in his abdomen. He didn't hear the door open, or notice the other man sneak up to the bed until he heard a voice speaking.

"They are quite nice, aren't they?"

Mariku jerked and looked up. It took him a moment to realize the comment had been about Mariku's abs. His mouth felt dry, and he swallowed. The guy above him was gorgeous. Mariku fucked a lot of pretty men; he was a damn connoisseur of attractive faces and hard cocks, but the creature standing before him was in another league.

Unicorn. It was like some gay wizard found a unicorn stallion and transformed the beast into a man. Dark eyes, but white everywhere else, even his long, delicate eyelashes looked like snow-sculptures.

The other male noticed Mariku's stare and looked at the floor. The slightest flush of pink washed over his cheeks. "Um . . . sorry. This is my first time. I'm not really sure what to do."

Mariku grinned. His companion's bashfulness was refreshing. Last time Marik dragged Mariku to the bathhouse, he got stuck with some chatty kid that wouldn't shut-up. Mariku could barely stay hard through all the bla-bla-bla.

"Well." Mariku nodded to the door. "First, you should lock the door. Unless you want more people wandering in here and joining us."

The hint of pink deepened as the guy rushed to lock the door. "Ah, um, m-maybe it'd be better if it was just us. S-since I'm still getting used to this."

Cute wasn't really in Mariku's vocabulary, but that's all he could think of at the moment. The guy in front of him was cute, and not to look at - he was gorgeous to look at - but he acted cute, and that was better than looking cute.

"How old are you?" Mariku asked. He couldn't guess looking at his companion's smooth, white features.

"Thirty-eight?" he said it like a question.

"No shit? You're a year older than me. I thought you were younger, since you said it's your first time."

"Yeah . . . well, usually I prefer relationships and not . . . this kind of thing. But I, y'know? Wanted to do something . . . different?"

Mariku chuckled. "Good enough for me. Let's get to it."

Mariku untied his towel and began stroking himself to get hard. His member responded quicker than usual. With his companion's lithe body and cute blush, Mariku was already looking forward to touching the other male.

He blinked as he watched Mariku's cock stiffen in his hand. He went from pink to coral. "Just like that?"

"Oh." Mariku blinked, trying to figure out what his companion wanted. "Would you prefer we blow each other first?"

Mariku rolled off the bed and got on his knees. He pushed the other male against the door and allowed his hot breath to wash over his companion's mostly flaccid penis. Mariku grabbed it, looking up at his companion before he began. The other male breathed hard, but it seemed more from fear than desire. Mariku hesitated.

"What's wrong?"

"I-I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I should go. This, this was a mistake."

"Wait," Mariku blurted out before he could think of what he was saying. "What'd I do?" He let go of the other male and backed away a few inches.

"Nothing!" The other male held out his hands as if to mediate a fight. "Nothing. You're very very sexy, and I'd love to be with someone as attractive as you, but I"m no good at this. I'm too nervous. I don't know why I thought I could sleep with someone without getting to know them first. I'm sorry."

He turned to go, but Mariku kept his hands on the door. "Please wait."

Mariku's heart thudded in his chest. He didn't want the other guy to go. He couldn't explain it, but he felt like if the beautiful unicorn-in-human-form left, Mariku would never forgive himself.

"Why? I-I can't do this."

"What's your name?" Mariku asked, just to make the other guy stay a moment longer.

"My name?"

"Yeah. What's your name?"

"Uh . . Ryou."

Mariku stood up and extended his hand. "Mariku."

Ryou blinked at Mariku's hand a moment and then shook it. "Nice to meet you?"

Mariku smiled. Damn Ryou was cute.

"Look, I'm about to say something stupid, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"Um, maybe. What is it?"

Mariku tied the towel back around his waist. "Don't leave. I don't want to be here. My asshole twin brother dragged me along. If you leave some random jerk is going to walk in here and bore the hell out of me."

"But don't you want to? Uh, aren't you here for sex?"

"Well." Mariku shrugged. "That is why men go to the bathhouse." A wicked, wicked smirk curled around Mariku's face. "But I've never been one to follow the rules. Sitting and talking instead is kinda the bad boy thing to do, right? Every room down this hall is full of men fucking - two, three, four at a time. In this one room we are the only guys doing something different."

Ryou laughed, a nervous and stressed sound. "You can't be serious."

"Why not?" He patted the mattress beside him. "C'mon, Ryou, let's rebel against the system."

Admittedly, Mariku read too much Henry David Thoreau.

Ryou looked suspicious. "I don't know. This isn't some trick so you can try and talk me into sex, is it?"

"I'll be honest, I definitely wouldn't mind seeing your O-face."

In fact, the more he looked at Ryou, the more he wanted to see it. He'd never been turned down for sex before, and that made Ryou the most tempting male alive. At the same time, strange as it was, he didn't want to just throw Ryou on his back and fuck him. It'd be more fun to take his time, drag his fingers across Ryou's milk-glass skin and explore his body without a destination until neither could bare it, and only then take him.

Mariku crossed his legs, grateful that he'd replace his towel. "But again, being honest, if I can't sleep with you, I'd rather talk to you than sleep with someone else."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Mariku's stare didn't falter as he answered. "You have standards. I'm not use to seeing men with standards. It's attractive."

Ryou blushed again. He covered himself in his towel and sat on the opposite end of the bed. "Favorite book?"

Mariku smiled. People looked at him and expected him to be a testosterone-driven jock who had the IQ of a pot roast, but that wasn't him, so when Ryou asked the question, Mariku didn't hesitate. "No Country For Old Men - Cormac McCarthey."

Ryou's eyes widened a little.

Mariku snorted. "You didn't think I'd give you a sincere answer."

Ryou stared at the wall. "It's not that. It's just that I-"

"Thought I was a meat head only interested in fucking you."

"Well, I mean - aren't you?"

"If I was tied to this bed, and you could do whatever you wanted - what would you do?"

"See, you were doing so well, but you've already jumped to sex."

"I'm trying to prove a point."

"By talking dirty?"

"I have very fun conversations."

Ryou laughed a little. "Sex and books?"

"Fun, yes."

Ryou pressed his lips together before speaking. "So you're tied up, and I do whatever I want?"

"Yup."

Ryou smiled, scooting a little closer. "Well . . . first I'd straddle you. Then I'd lean down close to your lips. And then I'd talk about books."

"Cute, but you're cheating, y'know."

"You said whatever I want."

"But that's not what you'd really want to do. You're guarding."

"I don't know you."

"Do you know why I like McCarthy? He doesn't like conventional grammar. Not because he's ignorant to it. No, no, this is a case of knowing the rules like a pro and then breaking them like an artist. He lets the dialogue speak for itself." Mariku folded his hands behind his head and leaned back. "Just the dialogue, just what the character says. No pretension. Myself? I always feel like society adds a exclamation point to everything I say. They try to make my ideas louder, stronger, more aggressive than I intend. You?" Mariku raised an eyebrow as he looked at Ryou. "A question mark."

"Why do you say a question mark?"

"Because even when you're not asking a question, you hike up the pitch of your voice to make it sound like a question That's a trick women usually do to try to get men to listen to them without causing the males to feel challenged."

"Are you saying I talk like a woman?"

"I'm surmising that, because of similar speech traits, you probably have a hard time getting other males to take you seriously. You're beautiful, but you're also small framed, so you probably have assholes - big, strong ones who look like me - constantly trying to be the man when they're with you."

Ryou started laughing. "Holy cow. You weren't joking about wanting a conversation, were you? I really thought you were going to try and talk my pants off."

"No need, since you're not wearing any."

"What do you do for a living?"

Mariku chuckled. "I teach literature at the community college down town."

"Bullshit."

"Go online and Google the faculty. Mariku Ishtar"

"So why ask me a crazy sex scenario if you really want to talk?"

Mariku raised his eyebrows. "It's only hypothetical, but people sneak a lot of information about themselves into their stories. Why not pick a fun topic for the story? 'What I Did Over Summer Vacation' is a trying, tired topic."

"Then what would you do if you had me tied up?"

"Tease you."

"Call me names?"

"No. The other kind of teasing." Mariku reached out a finger and graced it down Ryou's arm and then back up. "That kind."

"Yeah?" Ryou's tone softened. "What next?"

"Tease you some more. Amiable wouldn't be good enough, not with you. I'd wait until you were half-crazy."

Ryou bit his bottom lip in thought. "Okay. Say you get me half-crazy. Say I'm calling your name and testing my restraints. What's next?"

Mariku smiled at the fantasy, regretting not being able to try it out. "I'd start at your toes."

Ryou laughed. "My toes?"

"Haven't you ever had your toes sucked before?"

"No. That's weird."

"It's not weird; it's fun."

"I'd feel so self conscious."

"Why do you think I'd work you up so much first? By the time I got to your toes you would like it."

"What if I didn't?"

"Well, I'd have to try something else, but it's hardly a fun fantasy if you won't even admit that you might like it."

Ryou thought about it. "Okay, let's pretend that you surprise me and I do like it. What's next?"

"Your ankles. I would kiss them. Then your calves. I'd lick behind your knees because the skin's sensitive there, and then I'd kiss your thighs."

"Go on."

"When I reached your upper thighs I'd bite them."

"What if I didn't like that?"

"Then I'd go back to kissing. You date a lot of jerks, don't you?"

Ryou frowned.

"Let's establish a basic ground rule, then. Anytime you didn't like something I'd change to something else. Even if you didn't say anything I'd know by your moans, or your breathing, or if your body felt tense or not."

"And if I was breathing hard because I liked what you were doing? Maybe I did like the biting when you did it. What next?"

"I'd run my tongue along your pulse points, and when I couldn't stand it anymore myself - I'd finish the blow job I never had a chance to start."

"Bullshit. You're trying to tell me all that and you wouldn't even fuck me?"

"If you asked me to I would, but this scenario is what I'd want to do most."

"You're just spinning the story to make me trust you."

Mariku scowled. "It's a scenario. Trust is implied by the fact that you're tied up."

"You couldn't be that patient in a real scenario. If you were tied up, I'd try to tease you and kiss you, but after you started sounding like you wanted it, I'd be in you for all I was worth."

Mariku had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from moaning. He hadn't expected Ryou to be so blunt, or to suggest that he'd prefer a more dominate role in bed. It was too serendipitous. A bearish bottom and pretty top meeting on chance in a bathhouse? It's like there really was a God - and He got drunk and decided to hand the creation of reality over to Emily Bronte for a day while He slept off His hangover.

"It's hot in here." Mariku pretended to fan himself. "What's your favorite book?"

"Oh? Done with hypothetical sex already?"

"I think I need to cool down for a bit."

"Yeah?" Ryou gave him a sultry, hungry look. "You were playing it so cool and intellectual. What broke you and finally got you bothered?"

"Uh . . ." Mariku considered playing off the question, but decided sincerity was the best way to go with Ryou. "The part where you said 'inside me for all that you're worth'. I believe that did it. Favorite book?"

Ryou chuckled, having a bit too much fun at Mariku's expense. "Neverwhere."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just like it."

"That answer would earn an F on a final exam."

A smile toyed with Ryou's lips. "You presume to be my teacher now?"

Mariku snorted. "And there you go making innuendos. I'm beginning to think you're not taking this conversation seriously at all, Ryou. You're just trying to lure me into bed with you."

"So I can take you for all that I'm worth?"

Mariku sat straight and crossed his arms over his chest. "Now you're just being a bitch. You know I'm already worked up."

Ryou laughed. "Okay, okay. Identification."

Mariku's mind still swam with things he suddenly felt himself wanting to try. He shook his head a little. "What?"

"That's why I like Neverwhere. I identify with the protagonist." Ryou looked out into the room as if it had a better view. "My life . . . is dull. I've always kinda wanted a stranger to drag me off to London Below."

The protagonist of Neverwhere? Yes. Mariku could see that. It would make him a sort of Marquis de Carabas in a strange, gay, alternate universe. He was okay with that. A certain boyish excitement overcame him. He grabbed Ryou's hands. "Ryou, would you like to-"

"Yes." Ryou cut him off, pulling his hands away from Mariku's so he could grab Mariku's face and shove his tongue into Mariku's mouth.

The jolt of electricity that surged through him at the moment of the kiss was enough to stop Mariku's heart, and when it did manage to kick up again it seemed to mutter Ryou, Ryou, Ryou, deep inside Mariku's chest. He let the kisses continue until Ryou's hands ripped the towel away from his waist, getting the fabric caught up in Mariku's throbbing erection before he managed the task.

"I meant a date!" Mariku shouted. "Do you want to go on a date?"

"What?" Ryou asked, out of breath. "No. I mean, yes, that would be nice, but after. I'm really, really turned on just now. Apparently word play was the right way into my pants after all."

"I know, me too, that's why we should wait."

Ryou frowned at him. "Are you crazy?"

"Didn't you want crazy?"

"That was minutes ago. Now I want your legs spread."

Holy shit - Ryou knew how to use words when given a chance to drop his timid facade. Was he really going to say no to this? Him! Mariku Ishtar. Ryou's mouth was warm and soft on Mariku's neck. He moaned, louder than during any orgasm he'd ever had. His balls ached so bad he thought waiting would kill him. But Mariku wasn't going to let anything happen in the bathhouse. Ryou was a hero archetype, and heroes never felt satisfied with ordinary. Bathhouse sex was ordinary. If Mariku let Ryou fuck him at the spa, Ryou would regret it as soon as the lust poured out of his cock.

"I think I've ran out of no's," he whispered into Ryou's hair. "But do you really want to do this here? Wouldn't you rather get ice cream? Talk more? Let me walk you home? Invite me up for coffee?" Mariku pulled away and planted a single, deliberate bite on Ryou's collarbone. Ryou uttered a moan that shook Mariku inside, through every cell of him. He kissed that area. "And then." Another kiss. "And then." A broad lick up the throat that had Ryou crying out. "Only then."

Ryou was a hero, but Mariku was the trickster and it was the trickster that wove the story.

Ryou whined in frustration, eyes and fists squeezed tight. "Fine. Fine. Fine. You cock tease. There's a park near my apartment. We'll get ice cream, and eat it at the park, but afterward I hope you're ready. I'm not some college boy that spends his paycheck after a few good pumps. You're going to be sore in the morning."

Mariku couldn't breathe, and he was pretty sure his face was at least a little flushed. "On second thought, let's skip the ice cream and walk straight to your place. We can talk on the way."

Ryou smiled, giving Mariku's bottom lip a last, playful tug with his teeth. "Okay. It's a date. Let's go."