Shatter
Summary
Some of you are cracked, some broken, some even smashed. But me? I have been shattered: broken and smashed and cracked until my pieces can break no more. I'm so broken that I'm no longer breakable. It's too late for me, but the least I can do is make sure that no-one else around me shatters; that is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
A/N: I live! It's been almost a year since my last fic, and after bullying PyroStorm into posting something she wrote, I thought I'd put this up. It's set after Season 3, and possibly at the start of Season 4, but may be slightly AU in places as I haven't seen many Season 4 episodes. If this gets a good response, there may be other chapters… we'll see.
As you may notice, I'm using the Japanese names, just to see if I can. It's completely in Manjyome's POV, but he may be OOC.
Will almost definitely contain spoilers for Season 3, and some for Season 4 (the main one for Season 4 being that Ryo is alive). If you haven't got that far and don't want to know what happens, don't read.
Oh, and I don't own Yugioh GX or any of the characters mentioned here or in any other chapters should they happen, unless otherwise noted.
On with the story!
(Manjyome's POV)
It's surprising the things I see. I have never truly made an effort to be a part of our little group, and I'm not the only one who that applies to. Somehow there is something that draws us all together, again and again. We can swear that we hate each other, leave, turn away, promise ourselves that this time we will not return, and yet, still, we find ourselves here, a group. It's hard to decide what to call us: we're not all friends (in fact, some of us hate each other), but acquaintances isn't right either; you can't go through that much with a group of people and just call them acquaintances. If I believed in such things, I might even call us a family.
In half-hearted discussions with various people, I have worked out where each one of us stands. I don't know why I pursue the topic, but often it arises the "Night Before" an important event, when we don't know what's coming and it could be the final time that the whole group is able to be together. Our places are not as I expected - well that's not quite true. There's one truth we all know, even if we push it to the back of our minds and deny it all we can: Juudai is our leader.
It's been said a million times: where Juudai goes, the rest of us follow. He is the reason why we have pulled together so many times, why we so willingly face impossible odds and emerge, if not unscathed, then at least alive. That was a given. No, what surprised me was what all, not just some, but all of the group believed: if Juudai is our leader, I am his second-in-command.
I can see the logic in this, I suppose, more than once I have whispered in Juudai's ear, or taken him to one side, and he listens to me. The few times he has been absent, I couldn't help but notice that the others looked to me for guidance and to make the hard decisions. That doesn't mean that I always get it right (the best example of this being the Hikari no Keshna fiasco), but I try, and I'd like to think that I've redeemed myself for, if not all, then at least some of the stupid mistakes I've made.
But, back to my point: I see things about our group the others, even Juudai, sometimes miss. I see the truths that we all try so desperately to hide. I see that even if we all refuse to admit it, our various "adventures" have caused more damage than we care to admit, even if hiding those truths does even more damage.
Quite a few of us are damaged.
People are like glass: you can take so much without even flinching, but the second the first cracks appear, suddenly it takes so much less for a person to break. I'm an expert on this. Especially in our group. Oh, my poor… do I call you friends? Some of you, certainly, some of you I am not so sure about. I can see what you all refuse to see. Some of you are cracked, some broken, some even smashed. But me? I have been shattered: broken and smashed and cracked until my pieces can break no more. I'm so broken that I'm no longer breakable. It's too late for me, but the least I can do is make sure that no-one else around me shatters; that is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
In a way, the feeling of being unbreakable is thrilling: no matter what, nothing that happens to me now, or in the future, can affect me. But the pain I had to go through to get to this point… Now that I'm here and there's no possible way that I could pick up any of my pieces and repair them, I can see the positives of my situation. But I don't believe that this… numbness, this absence of pain is worth all the suffering I have been dealt in my life. The death of my parents, the betrayal of my brothers, the Seven Stars and all that came with that, the Hikari no Keshna, all this trouble with Yubel and Haou… even now, there is still darkness on the horizon, both metaphorically and literally. Standing here, I can see that all of the cracks and the breaks and it scares me! It terrifies me because I can see the damage growing… the pain in your eyes, a voice in your head you struggle not to listen to, shadows where shadows have no right to be. I hear you wake up screaming in the night, haunted by your demons. I see the tiredness in your eyes, as you try not to sleep, afraid of what lurks in your own heads, ready to torment you. When I timidly approach the subject, unsure of what to say to you, any of you, you all brush me off, insisting you're all fine.
You're not fine.
None of you are fine.
You're all at different stages. I, in my many nights awake, mulling over this problem, have worked out that it has five stages. Whole, Crack, Break, Smash, Shatter. You, Sho, are cracked. Fubuki and Juudai, you are broken. Ryo and Edo, you are smashed.
It's a downwards spiral - once you crack, the others will surely come in time. I don't think that being shattered, like me, is a guarantee. I think most people stop at smashed. Maybe the really lucky stop at broken. Shattered is such a strange state to be in: I wonder what will happen to me. Insanity, maybe? So many people think that I'm already headed down that path. Or perhaps death? Maybe our entire lives are measured in the five stages and once we reach the final one the end is not far away? I'll dismiss this theory for now. I don't feel like I'm dying. I mean, it's a bit more of an effort to remember things that used to be necessary, such as sleeping and eating. I was always a light sleeper, but now I find that just lying there, staring at the wall or ceiling is just as effective as sleep. I don't feel tired, I don't look tired, and being awake gives me time to think. I can even eat the Slifer Dorm food without complaint now. I can taste it, it just doesn't seem as disgusting as before. I remember a little while ago, when something particularly vile (according to you lot, anyway, I didn't notice) was served. I ate what I was given, not really paying attention, too busy reading a book I borrowed from the library (that's another thing - I suddenly have a lot more patience, and have taken up reading and a couple of other things to pass the time), when I realised that it had gone quiet. Looking up, I saw that you (apart from Juudai, he'll eat anything) where all staring at me and my empty plate in horror. I'm quieter, you all say, less vain and less likely to argue. I've changed, apparently. That really cracked me up. I've changed? I'm different? Stop worrying about me and look at the others! Sho, Juudai, Fubuki, Edo and Ryo. Don't bother with me! It's too late for me. Help me to help those who can be saved! But no, you all act concerned about me. It's not so bad when it's Asuka, Daichi or Kenzan, but when Juudai looks at me, clearly worried, when Fubuki asks me how I'm feeling, when Sho gingerly suggests that maybe I should see the nurse, I don't know whether to laugh or scream at the irony!
Oh, poor, dear little broken friends. Ignore me and look at your own wounds! But you won't. I can turn this to my advantage. You're all so afraid to leave me on my own in case I hurt myself - ha! Like that would achieve anything! But now I can talk to you, and when you think you're helping me, maybe, somehow, I can help you. Maybe I can use my shattered pieces, turn them into supports and guards and barriers so that you cannot be damaged anymore. I will do anything to stop you becoming like me.
I am shattered.
I am beyond help or repair.
But maybe I can stop that happening to you.
I can try, anyway.
A/N: There! Finished! Well, finished this part. If people like this, I'll maybe put chapters about the people mentioned, probably in this order: Juudai, Sho, Edo, Fubuki, Ryo.
Reviews make for a happy writer!