Just something I thought up after watching the finale and thinking there could have been so much good tension and they didn't use it!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I'm not making any money.
Yecart.
Jane was leaving. Leaving her family, leaving BPD, leaving Boston and leaving Maura. It hadn't really occurred to Maura to think of herself when it came to encouraging Jane to make a decision. She never asked Jane to stay. She couldn't, not really. It all felt wrong, like a mistake that couldn't be undone. She wasn't good at asking for things, and this thing, well it was a doozy. Jane seemed so excited by the prospect of a new chapter; she couldn't ruin that, could she?
Maura deliberated for hours all week as to whether or not to tell Jane that her emotions were getting the better of her. That she couldn't do the long goodbye. She'd never had to think about their relationship before. It has always been just as it is and it has always been enough. It has only been through the new scenario of loss that she had been able to see things clearly and determine a hypothesis for her reactions to the situation.
One, Maura has feelings for Jane. Two, Jane has feelings for Maura. Three, Maura and Jane are already in a relationship of more significance than friendship. Four, Maura has feelings for Jane that cannot be returned. Four was the scariest option, because not only would it blow up in her face and be humiliating but also it would ruin the only true friendship she had ever had.
So, like anyone who won't put up Maura has shut up. All the emotions, the sadness and despair at her best friends decision to leave has been turned into energy used to help with the move. Creating lists, reminding Jane of all the things she will be able to do in DC, and trying not to cry.
She knew that it wasn't what she would suggest to someone else, but the safety of distance to let the feelings subside seemed like the safest and clearest option and the right thing to do for Jane's sake.
She decides to tell Jane about her plans over wine that night. A past time they have often indulged in. A time where they could share their secrets, laugh, and enjoy their time together. Sometimes it was like nobody else existed. All the signs were there. They sat too closely on the couch and often cuddled up. They stayed over at each other's places when they'd stayed too late or drank too much. They held each other when they slept. Jane protected Maura fiercely, it was something Maura found she was endlessly attracted to but it all had to stop.
"Jane, I've decided to take your advice and go with a change of scenery. It's going to be even less real here soon enough and I think Paris is the answer!" Maura smiles half-heartedly at her friend.
"What? Paris? When I said you needed a change of scenery that wasn't exactly what I meant," Jane replies wide-eyed. I thought for sure you would spend some time with me in DC.
"Well, everything is changing and I feel, well I feel, I feel really sad Jane," Maura looks down and away from Jane's gaze barely able to find the words.
"I feel sad too," Jane cringes, knowing its not really the right answer, but not knowing what else to say.
Not feeling at all encouraged by Jane's answer, Maura flies into her spiel.
"This is a good thing Jane, for you, a fresh start. I'll just need some time getting used to it." Maura states matter of fact.
"Yeah, I guess. I just, well, DC is only 394 miles from Boston. Paris, well that's gotta be like 4000 miles!" Jane estimates.
"Actually it's 3828 miles," Maura responds automatically. "I'm only going for a month, I need a holiday and I need to sort out my life Jane, everything that I have done up until now has always been with you. With you gone, I'm at a loss," Maura sighs.
"You still have my family and other friends in Boston Maura, you won't ever be all alone here," Jane placates.
"It just isn't the same Jane and you know it! This is just really hard for me. You are the closest relationship I have ever had in my life. This hurts Jane," Maura looks as though she is about to cry but continues. "You are the only person not related to me to have said that they love me," the tears fall.
Jane, not one to deal well with emotional things is again at a loss but decides to keep things as honest as she can without betraying some of her inner most thoughts. I can't believe nobody has ever said they loved her….
"I'm sorry, Maura. I don't want you to think that this doesn't terrify me as well, because it does. I absolutely am. You're right, we are each other's constants, and you're my touchstone. The longest standing personal relationship outside of my family that I have ever had. Is that weird? … Don't answer that. I just, I want you to understand that I'm going despite what I feel, I mean, if I felt it less it would still be hard but, I gotta find out what's behind this door, find what I'm missing, you know?" Jane pleads her case. "Oh, and I do…. Love you I mean. I, ….I don't know exactly how but I know that I do, I try not to read too much into it, makes my head hurt," Jane mumbles shyly.
"What if you've chosen the wrong door, Jane," Maura finally looks up to stare at Jane hopefully, teary eyed, ignoring Jane's last admission but addressing it subtly.
"Then I'll come running back to you," Jane whispers with a smile and absolute sincerity having moved within inches of Maura without her noticing. Jane realizes with a start what she has said. It wasn't just to comfort Maura, it was absolutely true; her attachment to Maura was so deep, there wasn't even a word she could use to describe it.
How was she supposed to start fresh with this sadness hanging over her head? This curiosity? She's supposes that it has always been there to some extent. An attraction. It's always been kept light and bouncy and companionship was always at the forefront. Jane had never imagined anything sexual with Maura but she could admit to herself on occasion that Maura was stunningly beautiful. That she had been jealous of a few of her gentleman callers and the time that took away from their friendship. It was only recently when she had been weighing up her decision to move to DC that she began to notice the way Maura looked at her. The way her face would light up and give her full attention to anything she said. The way she laughed, only in her presence had she seen Maura really laugh.
It was all too much to consider, half fantasy and half possible truth. It was scarier than any criminal Jane had ever faced off against. The loss would be worse if she was wrong. She was a detective but when it came to things like this, it was not her forte. She couldn't trust her instincts on this one. She couldn't test these waters. She has already accepted the job offer. She's handed in her notice to BPD. The way Maura is looking at her right now makes her want to run right back before she has even left. A fresh start is exactly what she needs.
Maura simply nods her head and looks away again. Jane, compelled to comfort Maura, holds her tightly. Maura rests her head on Jane's shoulder. Jane expects to hear sobs and sniffs, but realizes with a start that Maura simply shudders like she is cold. Perhaps this is really as much for her to handle as it is for me, Jane wonders.
When they finally move to the couch and sit, Maura is practically in Jane's lap, but she doesn't mind. It amuses her to see how touchy feely Maura has become, as though she cannot get close enough. It is a side that Jane has not seen from her friend before. Another thought pops into Jane's mind; I've always allowed Maura to touch my hands. Nobody else has ever really felt safe, she would jerk away from anyone else and massage her hands together unconsciously. Maura seems to know just how to touch them to make her relax, she always has.
It has always been easy to accept comfort from one another probably because there was never a hint of it becoming more than comfort. So why does it suddenly feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath them? Why didn't they ever question these things before?
This was going to drive Jane nuts. Surely it has to be simple jitters over moving to a new place where she doesn't know anyone accept Agent Davies who has made eyes at her from the moment they first met and who would ordinarily be someone she could be attracted to and yet, here she is thinking only of Maura.
Would Maura be jealous of Agent Davies? Would it show? She'd never thought to test the theory before now. Science! Jane was theorizing based on evidence. Maura would be so turned on by that, Jane smirks to herself. She was in so much trouble. How to get an answer though without ruining the friendship? Would it be weird to see if making out made a difference?
Jane's chuckle disrupted Maura from her own silent thoughts.
"Are you laughing at me Jane?" Maura's insecure face looked up at her.
"No, of course not, I just, I was just thinking about something and I was being ridiculous is all," Jane, murmurs.
"Oh, well I can be the judge of that," Maura perks up suddenly.
"Oh, no, you don't even want to know what I've been day dreaming of, it's crazy and uncomfortable and I must be going insane," Jane rambles on.
"You're not by definition, insane," Maura replies.
"Well you can't really know that," Jane smirks.
"No, not based on what I don't know, but Jane, you can tell me anything," Maura fishes.
"So can you, Maura. You can tell me anything," Jane tells her in her best detective voice, staring her down meaning to imply that she suspects something.
"I feel like one of your suspects," Maura says, taken aback.
"Oh, so is it working?" Jane doesn't dare blink as she looks into Maura's eyes.
They seem to be on the same page, they both realize and the distance between their faces also seems to be closing. Until Angela, bursts in all teary eyed without giving either woman a second look and marching into the kitchen. Jane jumps up off the couch like she has been burned, blushing furiously. Thankfully, Angela is too busy ranting on about ravioli to have noticed anything awkward. Jane, wide-eyed and in shock looks down at Maura, who is not much calmer than she is. Eyes closed, face scrunched up in a grimace she appears just as frustrated. A good sign from where Jane stood.
Maura is up off the couch mere moments later and walking into the kitchen.
"Hello Angela, feel free to use whatever you need in the kitchen. I'm not feeling very well and was going to head to bed early if you don't mind? It's been a long day," she sighs again.
Angela looks at Maura for the first time since entering the house and sees the tiredness and the evidence of tears and simply nods, looking at Jane for an explanation.
Jane for her part simply puts a hand up signaling not now and moves to help Maura to her bedroom.
When they reach Maura's room Jane shuts the door behind them so as not to be overheard by her mother. Blowing out a calming breath she takes one look at Maura and knows she isn't brave enough to talk about what almost happened on the couch.
"I'm sorry about Ma barging in like that," Jane whispers.
"Oh, its not your fault, Jane. She does this regularly; it's never been a problem…" she lets the sentence die.
"Until now," Jane looks up at the ceiling cursing under her breathe for not leaving it alone, her arms hanging at her sides wanting to reach out. "This is really out of hand," Jane mumbles to herself.
"I can't control this," Maura scrunches her face up unhappily looking away.
"Maybe we just need, some time apart. We are freaking out over changes and this, this might not be what we think it is. You know, we could be suffering from some kind of stress induced hysteria," Jane guesses with a hopeful look on her face.
"Oh, that's definitely a part of it. Though I don't think you mean it the way that I do," Maura smirks and her eyes light up.
Jane smiles with her not understanding, searching her eyes for some kind of explanation.
Maura rests her cheek against Jane's, eyes closed, and whispers conspiratorially in her ear. "Traditionally, the term hysteria as it relates to a woman, meant sexually frustrated, something that could only be relieved via sexual intercourse," Maura stilled herself hearing Jane's gasp. Moving back slowly, with a hint of a smile still on her face.
Jane was on edge. The whispering, Maura's breathe on her ear, it all made her heart want to leap out of her chest.
Embarrassed, Jane could only reply with, "Oh."
"Oh," Maura repeated, giving Jane that look that felt like it was reserved only for her.
Realizing that the situation was quickly becoming uncomfortable and that her mother was downstairs Jane moves away from Maura.
"I better get back to Ma before she destroys something in your kitchen," Jane says jokingly.
"Okay," Maura replies longingly.
Jane swallows thickly, eyes not leaving Maura's.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she assures her.
"I'm leaving tomorrow night, Jane," she reminds her.
"You're not staying until after we say goodbye?" Jane looks hurt.
"That's the thing," Maura says sitting down on the edge of her bed. "I can't, we can't. If I say goodbye I'll never stop crying, if we hug, I will never let go. It's for the best. A clean break, to get past this," she gestures with her hands in the air to describe whatever it was that was happening between them.
"This is going to be really hard," Jane's voice cracks. "I didn't know it was going to be like this, I didn't think I'd end up feeling this way."
"Neither did I, I was blind-sided by this also, but it's always been there in a way. We just never noticed," Maura smiles sadly.
"The detective and the medical examiner didn't notice," Jane states in disbelief.
"Well the alternative, Jane. Is that we did notice," Maura tests Jane.
"That's a little more than I think I'm comfortable delving into tonight," Jane steps back against the door.
"I thought so," Maura nodded as though she had the answer she sought.
Feeling naked, Jane bid Maura a goodnight and made her way back to the kitchen, excusing her leaving on the same tiredness that Maura suffered.
Angela was a bit put out by her lack of dinner guests but her sadness cleared up as she smiles to herself. Something happened.