The long drive back
This is a little 'one off' that came to me today. I wanted to give it to my NSFP family to thank you for the wonderful few months we've had together and the enjoyment we share. Specially for you Arapera.
"Right, well, have a nice Christmas."
"Yeah, how likely is that? Pause; deep breath, come on Caroline, You have a nice Christmas too."
Kate walked into the hotel reception and asked for her coat. She felt very rattled.
Get in the car Kate, just get yourself home safely; don't think about her, it will only make you cry, all over again.
She drove slowly against the snow that was beginning to fall. She tried hard to focus her thoughts on all the things she needed to organise before going to see her father and then on to her cousins for Christmas Day. She somehow didn't think Caroline's wish that she have a nice Christmas, was at all genuine; she felt that she was somehow looking for a reaction in her reciprocity. She hoped her own pain hadn't been obvious.
You'll have a lovely day tomorrow; Dad will be happy to see you and Christmas at David's is always fun.
No matter how hard she tried, the reassurance just didn't ring true. She had no doubt who she wanted to spend Christmas with.
The driving got more difficult as the journey progressed, the snow fall intensifying; ever conscious of the precious new life inside her, she slowed down and tried to concentrate fully on getting home. She glanced at the overnight bag that was on the passenger seat; she had packed one just in case the weather turned too bad and she had to stay over at the hotel.
Yeah, you keep trying to convince yourself that's why you brought it. I don't think so. You chickened out again McKenzie.
She parked the car outside the front of her house and walked quickly to the front door; leaving the bag in the car, leaving open a tiny crack of hope.
Closing the front door behind her, she stood in the hall, in the darkness; unwanted and uncontrollable tears flowed freely.
Kate, get a grip, you need to decide what you are going to do right now, this is crunch time for you. You love her; you still adore her, tonight made that very clear. Go back; come on go back, before the weather stops you.
Almost on auto pilot, she walked out, slamming the door closed behind her and got back into the car. She stroked the bag and remembered what she'd packed.
Who packs her most attractive negligee; the one you know Caroline loves to see you in, loves to get you out of; if they are just anticipating an emergency stay?
She smiled at herself and carefully drove off. The snow storm was getting heavier; in contrast to her own feelings which were getting lighter, the further she drove. The fact that Caroline's eyes had been filled with pain and disappointment when she left, the fact she said what she did about not having a happy Christmas, led her to believe that her return would be very welcome.
Come on Kate; practise what you are going to say. How about, 'come here you, I've missed you, I love you, I don't want Christmas without you'. Nope, that's too direct because I can't be absolutely sure it's what she'll want. No, slowly does it; take it gently. Oh God Caroline there are so many things I want to say to you my darling; so much time we've lost.
She remembered the fateful breakfast at the same hotel and recalled the only words she'd said to Caroline, that weren't in anger and came right from the heart. 'I would have done absolutely anything for you'. They'd stuck in her head as she watched Alan and Celia exchange their vows that afternoon. Looking over at Caroline, she had told her silently that it was still the case. The words rang in her head now; 'all that I have I share with you, all that I am I give to you'. How she longed to say them to Caroline.
As she got closer to the hotel, the road lights diminished and the snow got thicker. Soon she saw the sign for the turn off to the village. She couldn't believe how hard her heart started to thump, her stomach churn. The last time she remembered this intensity was the day Caroline came to her house after school; the same emotions fired up as she walked to the front door to let her in. 'Hi'; 'Hi'. No, that won't cut it tonight Kate.
She parked her car in the same spot, it seemed no-one else had left yet. As she walked towards the front door she could hear the music still in full swing. The receptionist looked carefully at her as she walked back in. "Oh, sorry, Ms McKenzie wasn't it? Did you get caught in the snow storm?"
Kate thought for a moment; 'what the hell, they don't need to know my business.' "Er, yes I got part of the way and decided as I only have a small car, I didn't want to risk it."
"Good thinking. However, if you are hoping for a room, I'm so sorry, but we are fully booked because of the wedding. I could ring the other hotel in the village if you like?"
"Oh no, that won't be necessary, the bride's daughter is one of my friends, she won't mind me bunking in with her."
"Fine, that will work out well for you; we'll put some extra towels in the room for you now."
Kate smiled and once again divested herself of her coat.
Caroline watched as Gillian got up to go and dance with Robbie. God, it's always so easy for her; how come she doesn't get worried about what people might think until she's had her fun; then she just deals with the fallout; in fact everyone's having fun. All I want is Kate.
She looked down at the table and stared into her orange juice; she just felt hopeless and helpless.
Kate stood in the doorway for a moment; she could see Caroline sitting alone, looking down at the table; deep in thought. Kate could only hope that what she was imagining, Caroline was thinking; she actually was, and she was longing for her, missing her, wanting her.
She took a deep breath and slowly walked across the dance floor, not looking sideways, not wanting to acknowledge anyone else's presence. Take it slowly, she hasn't noticed you yet, don't react until you see her beautiful blue eyes, they'll tell you what she's thinking.
Caroline looked up, shock and fear appeared as she stared back at Kate, who read it immediately.
"I got in, shut the door, then I turned around and came straight back;" turning to take her cardigan off. Come on this is a lovely song; just ask her to dance, that way you get to hold her at least.
"Do you wanna dance?" It came out so abruptly, with little emotion. God, that was a bad start McKenzie, you could have softened it a bit. It felt like an eternity before Caroline slowly stood up, the fear, the uncertainty written all over her face. I can't be let down again; I can't go through it any more, I have to tell her it's all or nothing; my tattered heart won't stand up to any more battering.
Taking a deep breath she put her hand in Kate's; "Is this like forever?"
Christ what am I supposed to say to that? Suddenly and for no sane reason, the song by Prince came into her head; "forever's a mighty long time" where the hell did that come from? "You know in theory".
Fortunately Caroline broke into a smile, giving the message that she was open to dancing. Kate walked ahead of her, their hands together again, so long in the waiting. Why did I come out with that crazy statement? Why didn't I just gaze at her and say dance with me Caroline, please.
They hit the dance floor and immediately their bodies began to sway together, but there was a distance between; too big a distance. As if their minds were in sync, they both leaned in touching glorious forehead to forehead; it felt sublime. I want to kiss her, it will be public, I don't care, but will Caroline? What will I do if she pulls away and implies yet again that she is not willing or able to be public about us; for God's sake, just do it.
Kate gently pulled Caroline's face up to meet her lips. They touched, and in that moment she knew she had made the right choice. The kiss deepened and it was filled with hunger; it said I've missed you, dreadfully. Neither woman was aware at that moment, of anyone else in the room, only the ache they'd both suppressed for months, now screaming to be healed and soothed.
Caroline was aware of her mother's voice beside her; "Oh I thought she'd gone." Great mum, if I heard that so will Kate have;
She had, but, whispering gently, "I did go, but I came back, I came back for you my darling."
They had no idea, no visual on the reactions that were going on in the room as their kiss lingered and deepened, and it only stopped when Roberta Flack did.
Will I ask Kate to stay; what if it's too much too fast and she probably has no things; no, better to just ask her what her plans are for tomorrow. Caroline led her to the table and they sat side by side hands tightly plaited together.
"I'm so happy you came back. Does this mean...?"
"It means, I love you Caroline and I want this separation to end. I want to forgive you for the mess; I want you to forgive me for being harsh and unyielding.
Do you know that it's snowing quite hard outside? I think I only just made it back."
"Well, you can't travel back again in those conditions." Actually it could be blazing sun and you can't travel home, because I want you here.
"I'm not Caroline, I'm staying here with you, in your room."
"How...? " Kate put her hand up. "I told them at reception that I would be with my girlfriend; the woman I sleep with; the woman I have sex with." Caroline opened her mouth and then shut it again; this time it didn't matter whether that was true or not.
In the next few moments they began to be aware of the others in the room. Gillian came back to the table; a fixed wide grin on her face. "Why don't you two slip off upstairs? I'll stay here and see everyone off and finish up."
"Well what about my mother?" Oh well I guess it was inevitable, Kate moaned to herself.
"Just go will you!" Come on Caroline take a leaf out of Gillian's book, if there are any repercussions, deal with them after the fact, no second guessing tonight.
She stood up and offered Kate her hand. "let's go." Kate got up and followed her lover out of the room.
"Ah Mrs Elliot, we have added towels and extra toiletries to your room. Hope you'll both be comfortable;" handing Kate her overnight bag from behind the counter.
Kate lifted the bag a little towards Caroline; "I had it in the car just in case I got stuck here, you know, with the weather." Caroline thought nothing about it.
The lights came on automatically as Caroline put the electronic key into the socket. Kate looked around and felt herself suck in air. God, this is the room Caroline had, we should have had, when we stayed here.
"Is there something wrong Kate?"
"No, but do you not recall that this is the room you were booked into when we came for my birthday?"
"Well yes actually I did. I didn't like to mention it."
Oh you can mention it; I intend to wipe away all the bad memories in this room tonight.
Kate opened her overnight bag and pulled out the negligee she had brought. Caroline noticed it immediately. "But that's our..." "Shush, come here." She pulled Caroline close. "I packed a bag for us, not for an emergency, but I was too much of a coward to ask you." Tell her; come on tell her about the vows and what you were thinking. No; perhaps later. No talking, not yet.
As the morning light streamed in onto their naked bodies, tightly wrapped around each other; Caroline's arm protectively around Kate's waist; they lay in a deep and restful sleep which for both, came easily for the first time in weeks. Their looks; touches; kisses; and lovemaking had restored and cemented their future together; both professing over and over that this was indeed 'forever'.