Disclaimer: All things JAG don't belong to me. Damn.
Author's note: Set at the end of Hail and Farewell Part 2. You know the scene. It is also my answer to the HBX Challenge of August 2008.
All mistakes are mine. Thanks for reading!
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Mac sat immobile, staring at the ocean in front of her, trying to will her mind to give her a break.
Happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
Her eyes were open, yet unseeing. The vast expanse of grayish blue, its froth edged waves and silent currents, held no interest. Nor did the sky coming to meet it in an endless horizon, that was starting to accumulate colors, as the hours passed and sunset approached. The countless grains of sand, equal in number to the stars, which were yet to be seen, stretched on as far as the eye could see. But hers wouldn't.
She only felt the wind. That force she couldn't see was blowing in her face, catching strands of her hair that wouldn't stay in the ponytail and throwing them about. Occasionally, it would wrap around her and cause a chill to climb her forward-bent spine. It was getting unpleasantly cold.
Happy thoughts. What happy thoughts? The only thoughts that crowded her mind were the ones she was trying to push away. Webb. Tanveer. Laurie June. Endometriosis. Paraguay. Sadiq. Happy thoughts.
She tried to smile. Chloe once told her that she had read in a magazine that when you smile you make your brain think you're happy and then you really are happy. The smile never took root, but Mac latched on to the thought.
Chloe.
She focused on the little girl. Brought to life in her mind's eye the first time she met her. Flicked through her memories of the child's smile, her laugh, her tendency to say exactly what was on her mind. Remembered pajama parties, story reading sessions, painting each other's nails. "I think I understand now why you can't marry my dad... you're in love with Harm."
Harm.
She had happy thoughts about Harm. Plenty of those. But they were at constant war with the bad thoughts. Like some endless game of tug of war the thoughts tugged as hard as they could in two opposite directions, only her heart was playing the rope.
Happy thoughts. Focus on the happy ones! Twirling through the sky in a plane. Jogging together on an early fall morning. Solving cases together. Dinners. Driving. Movie nights. Spending time with little AJ.
Little AJ. She was getting used to this focusing stuff.
Babysitting the little boy. Playing with him on the Roberts' living room floor. Taking him to the playground. AJ's christening. The day he was born. "You and me? Have a baby together?"
Harm again.
Pulling him into the helicopter. A hotel room in Russia. A kiss on the dock. A kiss on a porch. A kiss on Christmas. A kiss in a hotel room in Paraguay... no, wait. That one was only in her dreams.
Before she could stop them, the bad thoughts returned through the tiny gap left by her unfocused mind for a brief nanosecond.
Never. Harm goes back to flying. The death of her father. Dalton. Palmer.
The tears sliding down her face were the rain, evident of the twister destroying her on the inside; leaving a huge yawning hole in the eye of the storm. The wind wrapped around her once again and her eyes closed.
--
Harm didn't get very far. He couldn't. The voice inside him, that sounded curiously like the Admiral's, told him once again not to look back. But once again he failed to comply. Once again, his heart broke at what he saw when he did.
She stayed sitting very very still... too still. She was staring at the ocean as if hoping one of the waves would burst forward, only to wash back and take her with it. Over his dead body.
No matter what had happened, no matter what will happen, that was his best friend sitting desolately a few steps away and he was damned if he didn't take some of that pain away, whether she wanted him to or not.
He just wanted to hug her. God, were those tears staining her cheeks? He walked back resolutely.
--
The hole inside was hurting. She knew this pain well by now. A pain that pulled at every inch of her skin; trying to pull it inwards. A black hole sucking all her energy, giving nothing back.
Her hands wrapped around her knees. She was cold.
Suddenly there was no wind at her back. Two feet came into view, one on each side of her. A pair of arms wound themselves around her and she was being coaxed to lean back. She didn't offer a fight.
Home.
He'd come back. She sighed deeply and settled herself more comfortably against him. His arms were resting against her stomach, hers over them. The strong wall of his chest; the most comfortable place to rest her aching back.
The winds calmed. The thoughts quieted. The pain diminished.
And that was it. It was that simple. No dissecting, no thinking, no fighting inside of her or out. His touch was enough to silence every doubt and confirm every belief. Right there, in his arms, she relaxed. No questions asked. Back to basics.
Turning her head into his neck, she inhaled deeply and in that found the strength to breathe. She felt him relax as well. His heartbeat; strong and steady against her back, told her this was right. His breathing; sometimes brushing against her forehead, whispered this was real.
He took one deeper breath, and she could feel the words forming. "I knew it would work better if I put my arms around you."
She let out a chuckle. Unwilling to ruin anything by opening her mouth to the words, Mac reached out to caress one side of his jaw with her fingers, as she lifted her lips to gently kiss the other side.
She felt his breath catch for a moment, felt his heart speed up, felt hers catching up, then brought her hand and face back down. They were taking it slow. His heart slowed back down, as did hers, and they sat in silence for a while.
Time ticked by, changing the sky and the air around them, but they didn't really notice. Their eyes were closed, their focus turned inwards. They loved.
An indeterminable time later, Harm was first to notice the very real chill settling in all around them, and his arms tightened around Mac. He placed a strong, lingering kiss against her forehead, and smiled at the look she directed up at him.
He leaned down the few inches it took to touch his lips to hers, then stayed close. Her hand came to cup his jaw as she moved to meet his lips again and stayed closer still. Foreheads and noses touching, they waited for a minute longer, and then another kiss was shared and they backed away at the same time, got up and started walking. Hand in hand.
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The End.