Chapter one

"We can't...be together."

"Why?!"

There it was. That look that Dean always gives me when he is backed into a corner. When he knows he is wrong and nothing he can do or say will change that fact. That look had never broken my spirit more than it did at that moment.

Standing outside an old, broken down hotel room in Nevada with the sunset in my face, trying as hard as I possibly could...to just not cry. He knew it. He knew it was turning into that situation and he knew he didn't want to say what he was about to say to me. Even though we both knew his words, he choked on them. Why? Because-things were just as they had always been between us. He didn't want to break my heart.

He had always been the strong one. Even as kids he was the strong, brave, tough guy...me, not so much. I had always looked up to him. Always. Nothing would change that...or so I thought. One moment can change everything. It was different now. Everything I had ever known had been tossed to the ground, to shatter upon the cold, dirty, rock-bottom of a single moment.

In my vain attempt to hide my emotions I had turned away; turned to stare into the burning ember that was all that remained of the sun. His voice shook me back down to earth.

"Because...Sammy-"

"Don't!"

"Don't what?" He had anger in his voice now, and a wavering note that I couldn't quite place.

"Don't say it..."

"Why?"

"Because..."

He took a step towards me now, his car keys jingling in an ironic upbeat way in his fingers. "Why?! Because it's the truth?"

I forced myself to turn towards him now. Face him. As hard as I tried I could no longer contain my tears or that pathetic cracking as my emotions began to wreak havoc on my vocal chords.

"Because it hurts..."

He dropped his eyes now. Looking around, looking away...looking everywhere, anywhere but at me. Like a panther in a cage, looking for any way to escape. Though in that moment I couldn't tell if it was guilt or what other horrid thing he could've felt.

"Well...sometimes the truth hurts, Sam."

I couldn't find the words anymore. I couldn't push myself to keep this up any longer. It had been so long, so painfully long since I felt safe...and loved. Now it was all about to be taken back, and I didn't want to hurt anymore. Finally, thoughts started tumbling out of my mouth before I could close it.

"Why does it matter, Dean?"

"Do you want me to say it?" That tone again. Anger.

"Go ahead!" A surprising tone in my own voice now, defiance.

"We're brothers!"

"Yep!"

A narrowing of his eyes, a slight twitch just below his jaw bone. His anger was rising. "That doesn't bother you? Sam, that-"

"It did. Not anymore."

Another shadow flitting across his features, a grimace. "That's sick!"

"Was it sick last night? Huh!?"

With a growl beneath his breath he turned away, making long strides towards his car. That damn car. I hated it for its ability to take him away from me. As his hand finally grasped the door handle, I was on him, one hand on his shoulder to spin him around. I wanted him facing me.

"If it's sick now, it was sick then, and if I remember correctly you started it!"

Another grimace and he swatted my hand away. This time the anger had melted and something far darker was gripping him now. Fear. But fear of what?

"I need to go...Sam...I-I can't…"

"Can't what?!" My own anger was a demon inside of me now and it was taking me over, possessing me.

"I can't do this!" He roared, spinning on his heels, his palms flat against my chest, forcing me away. His volcano had finally erupted, and somehow seeing this instantly brought me back to reality. Anger washing away like ocean waves.

Before I even knew what was happening he had slammed the key in the ignition, fired the engine and he was gone...and I was left with the knowledge that I didn't know when - or if- he would come back.

I stood and watched as he drove away, dust kicking up behind him as he recklessly peeled out of the dirt parking lot. After a moment he was gone, and the dust had settled. I was painfully alone.

Just me and my pain.