Sheldon's Point of View
I never would have thought that a Beach Boys song could be anything but an earworm. It turns out "Darling" was the key to finally get how much Amy Farrah Fowler meant to me. How foolish and selfish I had been. How I can't even imagine me breathing without her anymore. It took me an eternity to realize how much I've changed but I finally did. And as I was walking to her apartment, I couldn't help but remember all those moments she gave herself to me and I just didn't respond the appropriate way. The right way. They way you should respond when you love a girl.
She was exactly what I wanted from a girl at the beginning. When I met her, she was doing her duty of meeting someone once a year to please her mother. We hit it off right away. She was just like I was: no heart, just brain. Thinking instead of feeling. Up to that point, in both our lives, it had been perfect that way. We were a perfect match. However, as time passed and she came out of her shell, she started opening her heart and hoping for more. She sometimes even acted on it, which troubled me every time she did. To be honest, it bothered me more that it troubled me. I just couldn't understand why a girl this perfect would want to become like every other girl. I liked her that way, why did things have to change? Why would she expect that I would change?
Like the first time she held my hand. As she took it in hers, I instinctively closed my fingers on her hand, but the warmth of it made me realize what she was doing and I released it. After that, I could not close my fingers over her hand anymore. My lack of reaction probably hurt her. It took me by surprise and I just didn't know what to do. When I finally understood, her hand was out of mine, and it was over. I missed the moment.
At the time, I can't say it bothered me so much. In fact, it didn't bother me at all. Amy, that I really liked but had no idea what to do with, took me in spaces I never thought existed in me. These emotions took a long time to unravel, to slowly creep over my head and settle into my heart. As I look back on it now, it was the first time I let her touch me. I didn't pull back, which was a first. I did not encourage her, which was normal. I remember that that night, before I drifted out to sleep, the image of her taking my hand came back to me and it made me feel good. And scared at the same time. I couldn't change. I didn't want to. I was happy the way I was, in a world where everybody around me had a place and a purpose. Where feelings were dimmed down to the point of not feeling anything I didn't want to feel. I had to be careful from that point on not to let that glimpse of physical contact become something more than a physical contact. No emotion. Keep everything shut.
My armor started cracking a little later that year, when I was back at her apartment and she was drunk. Amy had discovered what desire was by looking at one of Penny's ex a while ago, and it awoke in her something she probably never felt before. Her brain, with the help of alcohol, was starting to let her heart speak, and she just kissed me. All I could answer was "Fascinating…"…and then she went into the bathroom and threw up. I knew it was the alcohol acting but when she kissed me, I couldn't help but close my eyes. I was not in shock, I did not pull back. I kind of liked it. THAT was scary. Why didn't I pull back? If she hadn't been sick after that kiss, what would have happened? That was scaring me even more. That night, as I sat next to her and put a towel under her head to make sure she did not hurt herself, I took a look at her and smiled. She looked peaceful…and beautiful. For the first time, I could see her as being vulnerable and attractive, which made me feel even more scared. I just didn't know what was happening to me, to us, and why things were changing. As I left her apartment that night, I realized I would have to be even more careful after that, not to let that happen again. Feelings could ruin everything. In a hypothetical world, it could also be good, but there's no way I wanted to open that door. So I backed out again and slid back in my no emotion world. Where I controlled everything. Where my heart did not control me.
Of course during the next few years I tried to control everything I could. What she wanted me to give her I could not even imagine giving it to her. It was too much for me. Too open. Too breakable. It wasn't her fault, it was totally mine. But she stayed with me anyway. I could not give myself to her, but the thought of her giving herself to someone else was hurting me in a way I did not understand. I knew I liked her. I liked all my friends. I knew she was my girlfriend, but not the kind Penny or Bernadette were to Leonard and Howard. She was special. I was going back to neutral zone every time I could to stop this idea. She was special to me. She was my girlfriend. She was the woman I liked. I got used to this idea and started living with it. It felt good. Not too much involved, only a simple recognition of what I already knew.
Until Valentine's Day on the train. The only time I let my guard down and it changed how I felt about her. At least, it clarified it.
I was mad at her. She was ruining one of the best days of my life by trying to put some romanticism into it. I was trying to prove a point, to make her feel bad, but it didn't work. I kissed her. Her lips on mine lit a spark I never felt before, making me bring her body on mine by putting my hands on her hips. Seeking her contact. Needing it. Feeling the warmth of her lips shyly brushing mine. Leaving me breathless. Wanting me to kiss her even more. When we parted, I could feel she was as breathless as I was. She enjoyed it as much as I did. I'm sure she would have taken more if I had given it to her. I would have taken more if I wasn't so scared of how I felt at that moment. I wanted her to be with me. She was my girlfriend. Maybe I liked her more that I thought. Maybe it was what love was. That moment when the heart rules the brain, and you stop thinking to be able to feel. I felt Amy that night. It was not logical, it was just perfect. She was perfect. I would again go back to my brain persona, but it would never be the same after that. She changed something. She changed me. I could not let her know that of course, but it was just the most human I have felt in my life. Where the possibility of loving Amy for the rest of my life became a real possibility.
And then I had to face the fact. I loved her. She was more than special. When I saw her in that dress at that fake prom night I never felt my heart beat that hard in my chest, to the point where I had to lay down on my bed and try to calm myself. She was a vision, she was perfect, and even if I knew I loved her, I couldn't make love to her yet. It was too much for me to handle, and I was scared it would be too little for her to get. When she told me we didn't have to make love that night, even knowing how much she wanted it, I had no doubt in my mind she was the one for me. When she tried to tell me she loved me, I just cut her mid sentence and told her I loved her too. It was the truth. My heart won over my brain. I let in win, and I could not fight my way out of this battle. I loved Amy. I think if she would not have had a panic attack I would have kissed her. She was so beautiful…
Vulnerability is such a difficult state to handle. After that night, I could not really go back to who I was before. I tried, and I failed. I was not the same man. She was not the same woman. She wanted more, and so did I. The only problem was that our "more" was not the same. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. She wanted me. I couldn't give her me yet, so she broke up. I couldn't blame her, she already had been so patient with me…I just couldn't do it. So I tried to play the old Sheldon again. The one who did not feel. This man, however, doesn't exist anymore. He slowly died because of her. He was replaced by a heart-broken man, who thought he could still be friends with the woman he loves. But he can't.
When I saw another man kissing her in front of her apartment building after I finally got the nerves to go there and ask her to marry me, I realized how much I loved her and what a fool I had been. That I missed my chance.
I could not take her back after the aquarium because if I ever got over her, I never wanted to feel that pain again. I never wanted to feel again. I knew I hurt her a lot, and I did not want to do it again either. She did not deserve it. She deserved to be happy. If I could not make her happy, then I would have to live with the fact that another man made her happy instead of me. Even if it was killing me inside. My brain could not help me anymore. My heart was ruling everything. I was sure my head would take control again; I just didn't know how long it would take. I just had to hope that it would be sooner than later, because this was driving me insane.
And then, 2 days ago, this damn song got stuck in my head. It was the way my heart used to make the connection with my brain and finally merge the two together. To make me realize that my heart and my brain working together was not such an improbable thing. To make me get how she made my life better.
I was living like half a man…
Then I couldn't love but now I can…
More soul than I ever had…
I love the way you softened my life…
For the first time in my life I acted on impulse. No brain, just heart. I couldn't live without her, because the man I was now was because of her. Living without her would be like missing half of me, and I just couldn't bare that thought. That feeling. And that's what brought me here, in front of her door, hoping she would take me back. And praying it was not too late. So I knocked. And held my breath.
She opened the door. And there she was. My Amy. Standing in front of me like she was so long ago. Only she changed a lot in these past years. And so did I. And this is just an amazing feeling. Not a thought, but a feeling. I had to tell her. I could not go back. It took me all my courage but I told her. I looked her in the eyes and I told her. Not in the clearest way I could, but I did. With a little bit of translation from the guy she was on a date with, she realized what I was trying to say. I realized this was my last chance. And I said it. That I wanted her back. And that I loved her. Clear and simple. …Because I love you…And when she said it back, and I just couldn't find the nerves to do anything else, this guy told me to kiss her. Which I did. I leaned into her and kissed her. Her lips touching mine were the greatest feeling I ever felt, and I could feel her trembling under my hands. She was mine. I was hers. We broke our kiss and smiled. I could not stop looking into her beautiful eyes. Not knowing what to do, and my heart and brain being a total mess, I decided to leave and let her finish her date. Stupid me. Thank God she took me by the arm and brought me back into hers. We kissed for what seemed forever. It was the greatest feeling that happened to me. No theory, no thought, no fact could come close to anything I felt when her arms were wrapped around me and she kissed me. Nothing. And that's the best part about everything. And the reason why I'll never go back to the old Sheldon again. She is my reason. My darling.