Maya's words were stuck in my head like a song usually would be. Actually Maya only said one word to me- that's all I deserve, right? - and she was spot on. The word completely described me.
In every aspect of my life, I was the nice girl, the obedient girl, and the shy girl. But those were all nicer terms for being a-
Pushover. Maya's voice sounded in my head. I shook it away.
After I broke up with Maya, we hadn't really talked. I miss sitting with her, talking. The kissing and flirting… it felt so right. It felt like I could actually open up, be myself, break out of my shell, with her.
Anyway, that word, she said it loud and clear when we bumped into each other throwing out the garbage tonight. I feel horrible without Maya in my life, but I can't tell her that. We aren't allowed to look at each other. My mother practically hates Maya now, that is, if she didn't before.
Pushover.
There are these bubbles inside of me that want to rise to the surface. Want out. But I have to force them down, or be moved to Iowa. Be disowned by my family.
I miss her smell, her directness, her bravery, and her openness.
I miss her gentleness. I want her. I need her. I might even have fallen for her.
Pushover.
I'm letting my parents control me; make me think Maya's the problem.
Well if anything is wrong, it's me. If being gay is such a problem, then I guess I'm the problem.
I hurt Maya.
Hurting my self for other people's sake isn't the same as hurting someone else for other people's sake. If any one was in the wrong, then it was me. This is my fault. And if being gay is so wrong, then why should I be right? And what does right mean in a world as twisted as mine? The definition in the dictionary is wrong. Right is determined by your own personal views, and if everyone thinks Maya and I are so wrong, then they are wrong, by my views.
What does gender matter, anyway?
Pushover.
I've let people abuse me in the past, I let people get the better of me, and tear me down.
I don't want Maya to think I want to hurt her- that I've been playing around with her.
Does she know?
Does she think I don't care enough to say anything to my parents about her? To go against the tide for once?
I shiver, because that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm letting people hurt us, and I'm not saying anything.
My phone's buzz sounds, and thank God it's not a text… I look at my outdated phone, and realize Maya's calling me. I fumble to hit send, to pick up.
"Hey!" I chirp, nervous.
"Emily, we have to talk." Maya's voice whispers, softly.
And the sadness in her voice cuts me to the core, I cant hold it in any longer.
"This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. I really like you. I'm sorry for being such a jerk, lately. I am a pushover. I'm letting people tell me who to like. I've always let people do what they want with me, say whatever, think whatever about me, hurt me, abuse me. But now being a pushover is hurting you, and I really don't want to hurt you, Maya. I'm so sorry." It felt good to get that all out, but when Maya didn't reply, I felt a pang in my heart. I wasn't good enough anymore. I wasn't worth the wait. I really am just some pretty little liar. Just like A says.
"Em," I could hear the pity in her voice. "I'm over you, and you should get over me. Sure, we had a few hook ups. But that's all it was." Was Maya really doing this to me? I felt my unshed tears start streaming down my face. "I except your apology, and you're a great friend, but nothing more." Maya said, and I sobbed into the phone, uncontrollably. Was she serious? We had nothing but a few hook ups? "Hey, Em, it's not anything personal, I love your personality, but this isn't going to work out."
I whipped my nose. My heart was aching. "No, no, no. I don't believe you. Maybe I'm delusional but I thought we had something."
"Yeah, chemistry, sexual tension. That's it."
"Am I too unstable, and new at this for you? Is that what this is about?"
"I have to go." There was an ache in Maya's voice, and it sent shivers down my spine.
"Please"- I started, stooping very low, I was begging her to give us another shot, but the other line went dead, and I was left alone with my tears, and aching chest.
It felt like a knife was cutting right through it, like I was bleeding to death.
I suddenly had an idea. Everyone in the house was asleep. It was quiet.
I went down stairs, and grabbed a knife- a steak knife, with jarred ridges. Then I tip toed back to my room with it, stilling crying and shaking.
I sat on my bed, and carved my arm. The pain stubtled to pain I was feeling in my chest, the rejection, and the loss. I was lost.
I carved with the tip on the lighter side of my arm. First just sratches, but before long I went deep, through many layers. The cuts made me bleed goopy red stuff. I must have hit a vein.
There was blood all over my bed. That's when I realized I should be in the bathroom.
I cut extra deep, grimacing, and wincing, and shivering, and that last cut, so deep, so much blood. It smelt like rust.
I closed my eyes, still feeling tears drip down my cheeks, fresh ones.
The knife slipped out of my hand, and I lost conciseness.
TWO
When I opened my eyes I was in my mothers arms, she was tending to my cuts, my father was calling the hospital. Before they realized my eyes were open, I coughed, and then they stared at me.
"Oh my, Em, my Em, what have you done?"
I wanted to speak, stand up for my self, but I couldn't talk.
My arm was spazzing, throbbing, aching. It really hurt.
What was happening?
Then I remembered.
Maya. Maya who didn't want me anymore, not in that way.
Before I knew it an ambulance was carrying me away, and the whole neighborhood was crowding around me. I saw Maya's haunted expressed, and grimaced, at the sight of her. Suddenly my arm didn't hurt anymore- I barely noticed it. All I felt was that horrible crushing against my heart. I shut my eyes to get away from everyone.
THREE
Hanna, Aria, and Spencer were there when I woke up.
Hanna was eating 100 calorie gold fish, Aria was biting her lip, and Spencer was eating her fingernails viciously.
"Hey, guys." I said, my voice hoarse.
"What the hell, Em?" Spencer screamed at me, and Aria swatted her arm.
"Spence, she's hurt. Shut up!"
And Hanna came toward me, which was kind of intimidating, and grabbed my hand. "What happened?" She asked, her eyes bulging.
,
I looked between all of them, and then past them, spotting my mom fighting with…Maya's mom.
"Emily, come on, what happened. We know it wasn't an accident. Was it, um, A? Did A get to you?"
I looked between all of them. Hanna looked at me like she knew what I did, and pitied me. Aria was scared A was behind this. And Spencer was out raged at me for getting hurt. But they were all worried, and scared for my well being too. They hadn't expected this.
"It wasn't A. I swear. It was me with a steak knife, in my bed, in the middle of the night. It was me hating my self. That's what this is. Nothing more, nothing less. Completely un-A related." I tried to sooth them.
"You cut your self?" Aria whispered, shocked. Hanna wanted to talk to me in private, I could tell. And Spencer was eating her fingers again.
They were all on the verge of tears.
"Is this because of your fucking parents? And that stupid Tree Tops thing? That is complete bullshit by the way." Hanna asked.
"Yeah, Em, it really is. We love you just the way you are, it doesn't matter who you like." Spencer cut in.
I looked doubtful. But they all nodded. "You don't think I'm a freak?" I asked smiling. "Really?"
"Really." All three of them said.
"You know you can call me if you want to talk," Aria offered.
"Yeah, and if you want to escape you can sleep over at my house." Spencer chimed in.
Hanna nodded. "Maybe we could all have a sleepover."
All the girls nodded, eagerly, making me feel so special, and important. They were really good friends.