Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from the use of any Inuyasha character; all credit goes to Rumiko Takahashi for her wonderful creations and the publishers wise enough to see the value in her work.
A/N: This piece is more of a character study than anything else as Kikyou reflects on her life in the village and her own loneliness. For those reading "Catching Up to Kagome", I am still writing the story, but I found my brain needed a bit of a break.
This Side of Normal
Perhaps it started with Kaede's innocent question, "Doesn't Aiko look so pretty holding her new baby, sister Kikyou?" Or perhaps it had been the village elder's comment that he sometimes wished the miko could marry because he'd liked to have seen her matched to his son, and sometimes Kikyou thought back to a day all the other girls her age giggled together as they discussed the broadness of Matsumo's shoulders or beauty of Kuro's eyes. In truth, Kikyou could never be certain it was any one thing above another that set her afire with a desperate need to be something else, and it was a need she'd felt long before she was entrusted with the shikon no tama, hateful jewel.
While she loved her life as a priestess and certainly believed she was following a worthy path, Kikyou, blessed as a miko with vast spiritual gifts, was lonely. Aside from Kaede, people did not treat her as though she was a normal woman, and she believed the villagers assumed her status as priestess set her above them, made her untouchable and immune to the simple needs and wants in the lives of any human being. Attributing sainthood to a living person does nothing for that human but make her feel distinctly separate from those around her. Yes, her responsibilities were different from other women her age, but she too would have liked to spend her free time dreaming of a husband, a home of her own, babes to tend and a happy family, but from the time she could speak, Kikyou was never allowed to forget her duty as a priestess. In the eyes of the men and women around her she was sacred, and it hurt. Her father had never ceased his relentless training advice and rigorous drills until the day he died; even as she comforted Kaede, Kikyou hadn't shed a single tear when her father's soul left the world. After her younger sister fell asleep from exhaustion, Kikyou had walked to the hot springs and stood naked under the moon, raising her face to the welcome spring breeze as she whispered quietly, "I am free…I am finally free." When she returned to the shrine, several villagers awaited her, and she realized how mistaken she'd been. Freedom from duty is a wistful dream that often leads to bitterness.
She knew she was bitter and struggled daily to overcome those feelings, and there were so many nights the young priestess fell to her bed exhausted but satisfied she was making progress toward acceptance. The jewel, so small and innocent in appearance, was a heavy burden, but Kikyou understood that she could cope with the weight as long as she kept moving forward and living to be a good example for her little sister. She vanquished each demon who sought the shikon no tama and fought hard to keep it safe, but in the back of her mind, Kikyou often wondered what her life would be like if she managed to destroy the evil jewel. While her thoughts of escape no longer plagued her day in and out, she still felt a wistful remorse in the corners of her soul, and she knew fighting hard to keep the jewel pure was no substitute for her dream of a real life.
In the worst of her insecure moments, Kikyou envied Kaede the most. Kaede never faltered in her desire to be a priestess, and the little girl, though not as talented as her elder sister, worked diligently to fulfill the role of shrine maiden. Actually, Kaede seemed born to care for others, and the child's compassion rolled off her in almost tangible waves that Kikyou would swear she could see in the dark hours before sunrise. Whenever Kikyou corrected the girl's technique or showed her a new herb, the child smiled happily and hugged her sister, taking care to thank her profusely for sharing her advice and wisdom. The majority of the time, Kikyou was always happy to teach her little sister, but sometimes she wanted to shake the child and shriek, "Do you never want a real life? A normal life?" When she felt her dark thoughts threaten to overwhelm her, the miko would tell Kaede to be a good girl and practice making sacred arrows, and then Kikyou would leave the safety of the village long enough to regain her composure and remind herself that her own unhappiness was not the fault of Kaede. When her dissatisfaction passed, Kikyou felt clean and whole again and almost pleased to return to her duty.
Then Tsubaki had shown up, and Kikyou felt warmed to know another woman who was also bound to a life not chosen and hoped to find companionship in some shared but hidden ideal of a life not allowed, but the honorable miko was repulsed by the other miko's personality after spending a few hours with her. Tsubaki was manipulative and cruel, and Kikyou felt certain the woman would happily throttle anyone who got in her way. She hadn't been surprised when the miko turned on her and cursed her to a life in which love would destroy her, but Kaede had been furious with Tsubaki and spent too much of her free time worrying over what might happen because of the incident.
For Kikyou, life continued, and though she felt sympathy for Kaede, she also felt somewhat annoyed the child insisted on trying to remedy a situation that, frankly, left Kikyou more amused than anything else. Demons continued to attack her for the shikon no tama, but she kept the jewel pure and the village safe, tending wounds and providing remedies for the sick when necessary. Whenever a baby was born, Kikyou was there to stand as mid-wife, and at weddings, she took great pains to bless each happy couple that came before her. In short, life went on, and she rarely gave much thought to Tsubaki's hateful curse—even if she did give thought to a life without the jewel now and then still.
The fields turned crimson as the sun settled below the horizon, and Kikyou felt a chill creep into her soul when the first shadows of darkness began to overtake the village. She shook her head, trying in vain to settle her restless mind. In the distance, she could see the faint shine in the eyes of something hiding in the trees, beckoning her to come, whispering that life held more mystery in promise if only she could solve the puzzle of those eyes; she'd seen the feral glow three nights in a row and somehow knew finding the source would be a bit like falling into the rushing spring currents of a stream carrying winter's melted snow to the sea.