disclaimer: I don't own SPN or any of its characters.
After an impulsive night, Castiel departed unannounced, leaving Jimmy in the Winchesters' care. Dean pondered over whether to take the next step of their relationship, and Jimmy offered his perspective while welcoming Dean into the sad stargazing club. And suicide threats ensued.
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Star Gazing
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This sucked.
Cas leaving unannounced was nothing new, but gone before daybreak after the night they had? Dean didn't want to sound pathetic, even if it was only in his head, but that freaking hurt.
And to put more salt on the festering wound, the angel didn't just disappear, he left Jimmy as well! So, okay. Dean was drunk, he wasn't thinking straight (hee), it was on an impulse, just a mistake. Not a big deal, right, but was Cas really that upset with last night?
Then, there was Jimmy.
And now Dean was fiddling with his ring a bit nervously as he watched the vacated human vessel slowly finishing the third helpings of pancake and eggs from across the dingy diner booth, the too-big shirt and slacks he was currently dressed in was making his form look even leaner than he really was and the dark bags under the man's eyes were giving him a seriously ill appearance.
Before this morning, Dean would say the most awkward moment of his life would be if he woke up naked with Jimmy Novak in his bed; after this morning though Dean would say, that moment, was actually a contender for the most horrifying. And truth be told, he hadn't thought about the poor guy in forever, and had at some point in time started to believe Jimmy to be gone. Passed on to heaven, the place he deserved.
Dean felt sorry for being wrong on this.
But reality bit, and bit hard.
.
When he woke up around half passed eight that morning, Dean saw Cas sitting nude beside him in bed, a little hunched over, gazing off into space and unmoving like a marble statue. It wasn't anything unexpected, seeing as angels didn't need to sleep.
But everything went to hell in the next moment, when Dean reached out a hand to rub soothing circles on the back of his angel's hand and called his name. Because then the blue eyes that turned to him widened slightly in surprised and confusion and too much emotion, and the small tentative "... Dean?" was too high pitched and too human, and Dean immediately knew Cas was gone.
His instinct then kicked in, and Dean retreated to the furthest side of the bed, dragging most of the blanket with him to cover his manly parts. "What the hell?" Dean asked in exasperation, trying to calm down his suddenly pounding heart. "... Jimmy?"
The man nodded once in reply, still looking at him in much bewilderment. But bit odd in that Jimmy made no move to cover himself in the process, or move at all, and did not seemed to be bothered in the least by the embarrassing situation.
But Dean needed a few more seconds to collect his thoughts before opening his mouth again. "Where's Cas?" he asked.
"He's gone," Jimmy answered with a small frown.
"Do you know why?"
Jimmy shook his head, "He told me to wait for him, so I wait."
Dean widened his eyes at the passive response. It had been almost six years since he last met this guy, and Jimmy sounded so different from that time it was jarring. "How long have you been here... waiting?"
"I don't know," Jimmy answered truthfully, "Hours?"
"Hours?" Dean repeated, troubled, as he tried to wrap his head around the whole thing. You have been in bed with me for hours, completely naked, but said nothing? Why? Why weren't you freaking out?
But Jimmy didn't seem interested in further conversation as he turned his gaze back to look at nothing, his bare chest moved in a slow rhythm of inhale and exhale, and he was sitting so still it was not natural. Then the strangeness of everything started to really get on Dean's nerves when a low growling of an empty stomach echoed in the small room... and Jimmy ignored it.
"Okay, Jimmy, you're acting too weird," Dean said, grabbing hold of the slender wrist and snapping the smaller man out of his trance. "First we get dressed, I'll get us some breakfast, and... we'll work whatever this is out. Sound cool?"
Jimmy took way too long to focus his attention back on Dean, and his expression was so uncharacteristically vacant it was giving Dean the creeps.
"Are you okay, man?"
"Cas is gone," Jimmy said in a quiet submissive tone, "I'm not okay," the whole thing was delivered like he was in a sort of stupor. And that was when a dawning realization started to sink in.
Jimmy was... almost... catatonic.
.
After the forth pancake, and the fifth time Jimmy stabbed his fork into the empty plate and put it into his mouth to chew at nothing, Dean had to physically grab the smaller man's hand to stop the monotonous action or he was going to be sick. "Jimmy, we need to talk," Dean said, his voice extremely strained, "about Cas."
Jimmy slowly blinked at him twice. "You like him, he likes you. I already know about that," he said, impassive but surprisingly blunt. "And I don't care that you fucked Cas in my body last night, or whatever."
Dean rubbed his eyebrows in frustration, "We'll get to that problem in a minute," he said, because he always had a messed up perspective on whether he could be selfish concerning certain things or not. And although Dean might like Cas more than was strictly healthy, his conscience would not let whatever he learned this morning slide.
"Jimmy, I'll talk to Cas when he gets back," Dean began, keeping his larger and more calloused hand gently placed above Jimmy's in a reassuring manner, "ask him to find someone else or something."
Jimmy frowned, clearly not understanding it, "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying it's amoral to let him keep wearing you down like this," Dean said, and it physically hurt to say that about his friend. "You'll end up a vegetable if this doesn't stop now."
Jimmy's frown deepened slightly, then in an abrupt movement, violently withdrawing the hand that was still within Dean's grasp, "NO!" he hissed, "Castiel is mine."
"Jimmy."
"He is MINE," Jimmy repeated vehemently, "If he found another vessel, I'm going to kill myself on principle."
Dean widened his eyes at that. Jeffrey and that demon flashed across his memory, and he had to shake his head to repel the disturbing mental image. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Dean asked, "You were almost catatonic this morning and you're fine with that?"
"Better than the alternative," Jimmy replied with a harsh chuckle, calming down from his sudden frantic fit. "I can't live without him now, Dean. I really can't."
With a deep sigh, Dean looked at the empty vessel and thought about Cas, making his heart ache as if somebody had stabbed him with a knife. A very large part of himself wanted Cas back and that they all forget about everything that had transpired so that things could return to as they were, as friends; the slightly smaller but exceedingly more selfish part of himself just wanted Cas, period; but the smallest but loudest part of himself that was righteous was already torturing him with guilt for having the other two parts.
And now Dean was conflicted as he forced himself to dissuade Jimmy from agreeing to become an angelic vessel again, for a friend he had some dangerous hots for. "Look Jimmy," Dean said, fists clenching tightly as he wished to punch a wall or something for denying himself what he wanted, "you know what Cas is likely going to do with your body the next time you let him in?"
Jimmy immediately replied, "I've already told you. I don't care."
"Even if it happened again?" Dean was honestly surprised at this. Jimmy didn't get a chance to have a say last night, but why was he so indifferent to his future treatment?
The smaller man only shrugged.
"You're being way too nonchalant about this."
"Well, I got used to being prison raped."
Dean choked on his coffee, "What?!" he exclaimed in alarm, "By who?!"
Now, Jimmy was blushing a deep scarlet all the way to the tip of his ears, as he held both his hands together, looking sheepish. "... By Cas."
That was not a reaction Dean was expecting, and the hunter didn't know he felt more jealous or more perplexed, but shock was a definite. "How?" he asked, maybe more than a little irritated, "And you're being way too nonchalant about that, too."
"Dean," Jimmy looked at him, eyes dimmed further but managed to sound brokenly serious, "I recognized that I am suffering from a severe case of Stockholm syndrome; I personally dubbed it as Angel Vessel syndrome, by the way. But I am madly, madly in love with Castiel. So... yes, I don't mind that he treats me like shit, now, I just want him back."
"That sounds a little sick."
"Trust me, I know," Jimmy pouted with a weak glare, "I can't help it though."
"And I thought you're straight."
Jimmy opened his mouth to say something, changing his mind half-way, "Castiel isn't a dude," he said instead, amusement tinged his tenor.
"He's a chick?!"
"No!" Jimmy laughed. It felt weird coming from him, Dean thought, but it was a nice sound. "Cas is an angel, he doesn't have a gender in the more technical sense."
They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence after that. Well, uncomfortable for Dean.
"Let me get this straight," the hunter said when the moment was starting to get really unbearable, "you want Cas back even though he is obviously scrambling with your mind? And treating you like his..." Dean winced, "... sex slave?"
"Basically... yes," Jimmy replied, and then with a scowl added, "But not how you pictured it in your head. You make Cas horny as fuck sometimes, so he sings at me to get it out of his system."
"Too much infor- what? He sings at you? Sings?" Dean asked, increasingly confused. "That's it?"
"Dean," Jimmy mumbled under his breath, and he seemed to shrink within himself as he sank into his seat, "Castiel's song is porn, for me."
"Why?"
"Because I can understand it," Jimmy huffed through his teeth in a tiny voice, "And now I'm going hard because you made me think about his song, damn it."
Dean felt his eyes go even wider at that, "Now, this is just unreal."
"Can we leave? Now, please?"
Ten minutes later in the relative privacy of the Impala, Dean realized that Jimmy was not joking.
"You're getting aroused over a song," Dean would laugh his ass off if he wasn't still feeling sorry for Jimmy for the incident this morning, "I know you haven't got laid in a few years, but this is really a bit ridiculous."
Jimmy turned to the side, completely red in embarrassment. "Angels mate with their songs, Dean," he said indignantly, "I just happened to be one of the unlucky humans who are able to..." Jimmy coughed into his hand, "... ahh... receive."
"You're joking."
"I'm not," Jimmy countered, "Humans are all pretty 'junkless' from angel perspective, too, you know."
Dean almost ran over a traffic light.
"Can't believe I'm having this conversation with you," Jimmy groaned, burying his face into his hands tiredly, as the now physically older man turned to look at him from the driver seat.
"Okay, let's stop talking about angel sex," Dean agreed, because he did not want to think about him giving Cas blue balls. "And we should start focusing back on the problem of how you are going mentally insane from upstairs possession."
"I don't see the problem," Jimmy peeked from between his long fingers, "I want Castiel back in me, you clearly want him back in me as well. What's the problem?"
"Yes, but..." Dean struggled to make his point, "... that feels so wrong."
"I don't mind."
"That- right there- is another problem," Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in annoyance, "I don't even think you're capable of making correct judgments at this point."
"What, your conscience will stop you from sleeping with Castiel, now that you know I'm going to get raped afterwards?" Jimmy asked lightly, still being way too unconcerned about his personal affairs. "Asking him to take a different vessel won't change the fact though. I'll just end up with a category of major depression to go along with my other accumulating mental conditions, and you with another innocent casualty in your hands. And, like it or not, Castiel will not be able to understand why what he did was wrong."
Dean grounded his teeth, turning back to the road.
"Just pretend I'm not there," Jimmy said, leaning against the door, "I don't mind. You go and have fun with him for a few nights; get it out of your system. It'll do you both some good."
"You're talking about one-night stands."
"Yes."
"That's... not what I have in mind."
Jimmy stared at the hunter as he tilted his head, then confusion turned into realization turned into pity. "Oh," he said lamely, "You love him, too?"
Dean kept his eyes on the road, "I don't really know."
"The stargazing club claimed another victim."
"Are you implying that any relationship between me and Cas is doomed to fail?"
"I'm saying Castiel is not human," Jimmy sighed, trying to explain to the best of his ability, "Me and you and Cas? We don't function on the same morality basis."
"I get that."
"No, you don't," Jimmy shook his head sadly, "Castiel has been forcing himself to fit into humanity's framework for your sake, Dean, but he wasn't made that way. He could fake it on the outside, but inside? That's another story."
"And you know that, how?"
"He was in my head, in case you've forgotten. Sometimes, things slipped through the cracks from his side, and I ended up learning things I really don't want to know about."
"Such as?"
"Angels don't get to have free will, Dean. Castiel fought for his, but..."
(Freedom is a length of rope...)
Jimmy had to stop, he remembered that miserable song. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and choked back a tear. "And very unfortunate for me and you, the freedom to love isn't exempt. The love of God is the only kind they are capable of, programmed and hardwired into every angel's head, including Castiel's. And no human can challenge that."
"That's not the same thing," Dean scoffed, righting the steering wheel before parking his Baby and unlocking the doors.
"I know for a fact it is," Jimmy said, having already gotten out as he leaned over the car roof to look at the older man in the eyes. "Castiel told me numerous times that he loves me. But still he only sings at me, he never sings to me. Because he always sings to God."
"Look here-"
"No, Dean. You're hoping that you would be different to him, but you're not." Jimmy sighed, "So if you truly loved him, just fucking accept that Castiel's thought process don't fit within our moral system. Sleep with him when he gets back and be content, maybe delude yourself for a few months like I did in the past, and then you can join the rest of us to gaze up at the stars, while knowing the stars can only love the sun that they don't ever see. "
Dean clenched and unclenched his fists, but he only slammed the door of his Impala and said nothing.
And when they made it back to the Batcave...
Dean's hard mask once again carefully schooled his features, even though he felt like his heart was bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. But hopefully Cas would be back soon and maybe Dean could ignore all that had transpired, and things would return to as they were.
Jimmy lapsed into another state of catatonia at a lack of constant human interactions; it lasted for the next six hours without him moving more than an inch. But hopefully Castiel would be back soon and maybe Jimmy could forget all that had transpired, and things would return to as they were.
Sam returned six hours later and freaked out because he didn't understand why for once being a nice younger brother and giving some much deserved alone time to his older brother and the angel would turn them into a borderline homicidal Dean and a motionless Jimmy. But hopefully the angel would be back soon and maybe Sam could figure out all that had transpired, and things would return to as they were.
Castiel returned twenty-four hours later. He restored everything to as they were before that night, because it was in everybody's general wish for him to do so and he could manipulate memory.
And he looked at Dean, a little sad and a little disappointed, and he sang at Jimmy and he sang to God.
Castiel was the only one who didn't want things to return to as they were.
.
But,
(Freedom is a length of rope...)
(...Father wants me to hang myself with it.)
So figuratively, he did.
.
.
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A/N: The original wallpaper-sized image for the Castiel trueform cover picture can be found at my deviantart page- fakescorpion . deviantart . com