Looking back on the past year (it couldn't have been more than that, but perhaps it was a bit less), Sasuke remembers. He remembers everything, from the first time Itachi came to him, to the last goodbye.
At first, he remembers, he was reluctant, denying how his brother's touch (traitor! TRAITOR!) sent shivers down his spine and refusing to beg and give up his pride. He remembers a time when Itachi simply husked out his name in his ear and he suddenly found himself wishing that he could hear it more often. He remembers, vaguely, that it was less desperate back then, back when all this started. It was less desperate and more torturously slow, and in the end, he finds himself wondering how he liked it better.
He remembers the first time he drove himself down onto Itachi, trembling and sweating and riding until they both reached their peaks at the same time, remembers what it felt like to be so pleasantly sore and remembers more than anything the look on his brother's face when he came. He remembers that back then, he didn't have to beg for it.
Sasuke remembers the first time a kunai was taken to his back, the first time Itachi carved out the kana for his own name onto ivory skin as a mark of possession, even if back then it was only in faint scratches that healed in a matter of days. He isn't sure when he started craving the pain, but he remembers the way Itachi handled the knife, and how it always left him shaking when the man was through.
It's all jumbled, and he can't remember quite the order of things anymore because so much has happened, but he remembers the first time Itachi blindfolded him and took him, brutally, from behind, going until he was spent despite his whimpers of pain. He can't seem to remember for the life of him the first time Itachi made him beg. He can't remember when he stopped referring to him as "Aniki", and started actually moaning his name.
He remembers times when they had to keep so desperately quiet, and he remembers the way the full moon that one time drove Itachi near to madness. He remembers that it was that night that he first feared for his life again after all those years, Itachi's hands around his throat and that wild, psychotic look in his eyes and he was so, so lucky that night, because by some miracle, he didn't have to face the world of the Tsukiyomi and he came out of it alive.
At first, he remembers, Itachi's visits were more frequent. There was a time, however, that they slowed, he just can't remember when it was.
Something he remembers vividly is the first time Itachi's tongue invaded his mouth, slow and languid and possessing. He also remembers that Itachi never kissed him quite like that again.
He remembers how angry Itachi got when he mimicked the snake, how the man nearly strangled him before one choked out whisper made him stop. He remembers the way that his brother's nails raking down his back always, always made him shiver. Sasuke remembers that at first, Itachi never backed down. He wonders, looking back, if his brother lost interest in the games of hard-to-get once he started begging too easily. He knows without a doubt that once he begged easily, he no longer got a thing if he didn't beg.
Sasuke remembers a time when Itachi's visits became so frequent that he could almost forget he had a life outside of it all. He remembers that during that time was when Itachi first asked him the one question he found hardest to answer. During that time, he remembers, was when Itachi asked if he was in love with him. It took him a matter of days to realize that he was, and it took at least a week or more, when his brother returned, to work up the nerve to say it. He remembers that before he did, Itachi told him that if he loved him, that he would have to accept him and what he had done, even if he didn't understand. He remembers he was told that things would be different, and that when he finally choked out those three little words into Itachi's ear, the only response he got was "good". He asked his brother the same question, he remembers, but it took Itachi far longer to get around to giving any semblance of an answer.
He remembers time and time again when they would just sit in silence together, when Itachi would fall asleep next to him (so safe in those arms, so safe) and be gone in the morning (he never stayed, never). He remembers that he slept best next to his brother, and slept horribly without him. He isn't sure exactly when the dreams of his brother's death became nightmares, but he thinks it must have been once he realized that he loved him. He can't remember just how many times he snuggled into the cloak that Itachi sometimes left behind, breathed in his brother's scent, and slept just as well as if the man had been there next to him.
He remembers his sixteenth birthday, spent entirely with Itachi (waking up next to him was the best part of it, he thinks). He remembers a walk through the park and resting his head on his brother's shoulder, dinner for cheap and the feeling of brotherhood. He also remembers nearly clothed sex, the first smile he'd seen on Itachi's lips since childhood, and "I enjoyed today, too, Sasuke", wishing the moment would never end.
He can't remember when it was that he stopped bothering to tell Itachi he loved him, simply because the only answer he ever got was "I know".
Sasuke remembers Itachi's birthday that year as well, tied up with ribbons and wondering if it was really so much a present for Itachi as it was a present for both of them. He remembers that, in feeling so helpless, he could only shake with anticipation.
He remembers Itachi going completely mad (trying to kill him again) and swearing more and more with every day that the man was dead and that, heartbroken, he was dying too. He remembers that he cried when Itachi came back, even though he'd changed a little. He also remembers wondering just when it was that he started needing Itachi like he needed oxygen. He doesn't remember when it was that he realized there was no way it could last forever, and when it was that he became so desperate.
He remembers times when Itachi yelled at him, remembers how much it hurt and how much he wished he could hate because it would've been so much easier. He remembers how his brother was violent when he was angry, remembers the physical pain and how it lasted, remembers the way his back stung in the shower when Itachi decided that his cuts weren't deep enough. He remembers bite marks covering his left shoulder and how that entire side of his neck was sore for nearly a week after it all happened.
Something he will never forget is the first time that Itachi let himself be taken, the feeling of being buried in tight, tight heat and the way his brother's muscles clenched around him and made his head spin. He remembers the look on Itachi's face, the sounds he made just for him, and most of all, the way Itachi moaned his name each time he thrust just right. He also remembers how his brother never begged. He commanded.
He remembers once, when drunk, asking Itachi why he wanted to die so much. He can't remember the answer he was given, but he remembers that he said to his brother that perhaps one day, he would kill them both.
He remembers two excruciatingly long weeks after so much contact. He remembers asking why Itachi hadn't just killed him already (because the man could never love him, wasn't capable of love), and he remembers feeling hollow at the answer he was given. He remembers in the lonely weeks following that he tried so desperately to find the hate he once had, making himself miserable in trying to deny what he felt. He remembers how easily Itachi broke down his resolve again when he returned.
He remembers that from there, his brother's visits started to become erratic. He thinks that maybe that was when he realized that it would soon be over.
He remembers vividly when Itachi dealt him the most thorough humiliation he had ever received in his life. He remembers how he was whipped, how the kunai drew blood, how he screamed and how he was nearly reduced to tears. He remembers the way it felt for Itachi to backhand him across the face and the burning shame when he was asked just what Orochimaru had done to him. He remembers never wanting to speak the word "master" again, yet coming so hard he couldn't move at all after. He remembers that it took weeks that time for the cuts to fade.
Sasuke remembers the one time he managed to get Itachi's wrists bound, remembers the look in his brother's eyes and remembers how much it took his breath away to render him nearly helpless simply by placing a cloth over his eyes. He remembers almost breaking as he tried desperately to get Itachi to beg, remembers all the suggestions the man had for him that strained his already fleeting control. He remembers that in the end, Itachi still commanded him, even in the way he groaned "harder" and "faster". He thinks that Itachi still hadn't lost control, despite it all, and he wishes that just once, he could have seen it. He still remembers how hard he came that time.
He remembers that the last time was the only time Itachi ever touched him gently. He remembers painfully the words "goodbye, Sasuke", and he remembers begging Itachi not to leave him. He remembers a confession that tore his heart in two, because he never thought he'd hear his brother say that he felt for him the closest possible thing he could to love, and then say goodbye not five minutes later. He remembers screaming and crying until his voice gave out and his throat was raw and scratchy, and yet all the tears in the world couldn't keep Itachi with him. He remembers wishing more than anything that it would just be temporary and yet knowing deep inside that it wasn't, and he would never see Itachi again.
He remembers crying himself into a fitful sleep and wandering like the undead for days after. He remembers the emptiness in his chest where his heart was torn from him, and he still feels it, especially now as he remembers everything they ever were, from childhood to the end. All he has left now is the final mission that Itachi gave him, though he isn't sure how soon he'll be able to complete it. All he has now is a promise he's made to himself, and it only lightens the burden a little to know that someday, they'll be together again, even if it's only in dreams and death.
So...yeah. Reviews are lovely.