Jingle Bell Rot!
(Nine months after "Kingdom Of Darkness: Curse of the Shadow Dragon")
They huddled up together with their music notes in hand and gave the thumbs up to their conductor. With a nod, he approached the front door and rang the bell. When it opened, they all began singing in perfect harmony.
O Come All Ye Faithful
Joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord--
"Christ Almighty is more like it!" The owner of the house griped as he pulled out a rifle from inside. "You got about ten seconds before I start capping all kinds of ass! And believe me, don't bother calling your lawyers because you are trespassing!"
"He's got a gun! MOVE IT!"
In a panic, they skedaddled and headed for cover at the next house while Richard Rotten began shooting into the air.
"Yeah, that's right!" He shouted. "Get outta here! Nobody goes caroling to my door and gets away with it!"
"Richard, dear, you're letting the cold air in." Rachel, his loving wife said from inside the house.
"Sorry, dear!"
"Hurry up and close that damn door! My bones are a-shaking!" Grandma Esther egged him on.
"It's all that cheap liquor you've been drinking, you wrinkled old drunk!"
"Aw, shut up!"
As Richard closed the door behind him and returned to his chair to watch the game, the telephone rang. He turned his head and waited for the ringing to stop but instead returned his attention towards the television.
"Rachel! Phone!"
"What?" She stuck her head in from the kitchen. "Honey, the phone is right next to you…"
"Yeah, I know. But I'm watching the game."
"Richard…"
"Oh…" He rolled his eyes and reluctantly picked it up. "Yeah, what? Oh, cousin Rhambow! How are ya!? Good! Well that's nice! Oh, you are? Really? Really? Uh-huh? Really? Really? Really? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. All right! See you then!"
"Who was that, dear?"
"Cousin Rhambow!"
"Really? What did he want?"
"He just got out of the joint! And he's coming over for Christmas dinner!"
"Oh, splendid! We'd better tell Robbie!"
---
"He's what!?" Robbie shrieked over the phone. "Out of prison!? How did that happen!? Protection for the other inmates!? Well I wouldn't be surprised… uh-huh. All right. Yeah, yeah, we'll see you there."
Robbie walked past the exoskeleton of what would become his new home and climbed down the ladder that was sticking from the ground. He traveled through the tube system and shot towards his fuzzy orange chair, missing it entirely and hitting his face against the cold hard floor.
"…Ow."
"Are you okay?"
Desirée, her belly now sticking out like a sore thumb, slowly approached her husband and watched him get up on his own.
"It's okay, I can help myself up…" He said sarcastically, rubbing his forehead.
"Well good. Because this is one lady who won't be bending over for anything anytime soon, if you catch my drift."
"Oh, what a tease." He pulled her in for a kiss but instead bounced off her massive stomach. "…What, did you stuff a trampoline under your shirt or something!?"
"Yeah, whatever." She shut him up with his kiss. "So who should we expect to see at your parents' party tomorrow?"
"Well Demetrius and Amelie are in Mutari right now, helping with the rebuilding. Plus, I think they said they were going to spend Christmas in HazyTown."
"Oh, that sucks."
"Sportamonkey and his lady friend will be coming over, I'm sorry to say."
"Be nice. He's your brother and she's your potential sister-in-law."
"Must you remind me?"
"Who else?"
"The brats are coming over, no doubt."
"What about Claudette?"
"Pixel mentioned something about her wanting to spend it with family back in Aðalsteinn."
"That's understandable. What about your nephew?"
"Yes. Which means Stephanie is coming over as well."
"I still can't believe Sportacus passed the mantle over to Clyde."
"It had to be done. Sportakook was starting to notice the ladies and couldn't help himself, the naughty, naughty boy. The one thing I can say is he did a good thing leaving the job to family."
"Are you sure that's a good thing?"
"Hmm…"
---
Stephanie looked up and shook her head with disbelief as Clyde struggled to reach the small kitten that was stuck up the tree.
"C'mon, kitty…" He extended his reach. "Get down here, please!"
"Clyde, just grab it!" She called out to him.
"I'm… trying!"
"Do you want me to get it?"
"Do you have the Silverfox?"
"No."
"Then there's no way you can reach it without impaling it with something sharp!"
"Clyde!"
"Wait! I think I've got a ball of yarn in my pocket somewhere!"
"What? Why?"
"Why not!?"
---
"Good point." Robbie nodded. "But he's learning from his mistakes."
"Is he?"
"…Sure, he is."
---
"Clyde, how did you get your head stuck in the mailbox!?" Stephanie face-palmed.
December 24th
"All right, everyone!" Rachel gathered their attention as they all sat in the living room watching the news. "They'll be here any minute! Why don't we all greet them at the door and--"
"Shh!"
"But Robbie's coming home with his wife! This will be the first time we--"
"TV!"
"In other news, police need your help in identifying a man who has been going around posing as Santa Claus and conning people out of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of toys, gift certificates and money orders. He was last seen in Lazy Park in the small community of LazyTown. If you have any information, please contact your local police station."
"Who the hell would want to dress up as Santa Claus just to steal a bunch of toys?" Esther shook her head. "This world's coming to an end, I tell you."
"Yeah, don't you two share a birthday?" Richard grinned. "Honest to God, you're older than dirt and about as ugly as a caveman's inbred sister."
"You no good heathen, I ought to bat you upside your head."
"Don't break a sweat now, you'll dehydrate!"
"Richard, please!" Rachel pleaded. "I need your help here!"
"Can't it wait until commercial?"
"Richard…"
"Fine…" He stood up. "This better be worth it, though."
"He's your son!"
"All right, everyone. Let's go meet them at the door…"
One by one, the Rotten clan gathered into the entry room and heard a car door slam shut. When the doorbell rang, Rachel enthusiastically opened the door to find a strange looking man in a suit on the other end.
"Good evening, ma'am. I'm with the church of--"
SLAM!
Rachel stood by the door with her hand on the knob, waiting for one of the guests to arrive while Uncle Randy sat in his chair doing his usual thing.
"JESUS WAS A LEPRECHAUN!"
"That's nice, Uncle Randy…" She looked at her watch. "Where could they be?"
---
Sportacus, wearing a simple blue sweater and jeans, interrogated a man in a Santa Suit inside the toy store where several children were watching in tears. He pinned the fat man against a stack of Lego blocks while Clyde and Robbie each tapped a harmless wiffle bat threateningly against the palm of their hands.
"I'm going to ask you again." Sportacus said. "Where did you get that bag?"
"I'm with the Toys for Tots program!" The Santa whimpered. "I swear! I've got papers and everything!"
"He's lying!" Robbie yelled. "Beat his ass, bro!"
"Yeah!" Clyde dropped to the floor and grabbed Santa by the calf. "I'll gnaw his legs off!"
Stephanie, Helmina and Desirée just stood there and tried to calm the kids down, ensuring them that Santa would still deliver their presents that night. Gloria and Ritchie, however, actually wanted to see the fat man get the crap kicked out of him.
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" They chanted as they stabbed the air.
"Gloria! Ritchie!" Stephanie raised her voice. "Hush!"
"Don't these kids have parents!?" Desirée raised an eyebrow.
---
Several hours later the guests arrived all at once only to find the entire Rotten clan laid out across the entry room, sleeping. When Robbie stuck his head in, he cleared his throat to wake them all up.
"ALIENS!"
"Uncle Randy!" He gave the old man a hug. "How are you?"
"MR. ROGERS KICKED MY ASS!"
"Wonderful! Des, you remember the family!"
"Hey, mother-in-law!" Desirée ran over to give Rachel a hug. "How are you?"
"Oh I'm just fine, sweetie!" She then bent over to look at the bulge. "So how are my babies doing?"
"Babies?" Robbie blinked rapidly. "You're joking, right?"
"Yes, dear…" Desirée rolled her eyes. "We're still trying to keep the sex a secret."
"I don't think it's much of a secret anymore, to tell you the truth." Richard said with his eyes gazed at her stomach as he gave her a squeeze.
"I mean the sex of the baby!" She giggled.
The next to enter the house was Sportacus carrying a load of presents with Helmina walking close behind. The Rottens looked up and marveled at the former town hero's strength as he placed the gifts under the towering Christmas tree.
"Hello." He waved at them. "It's good to see you all again."
"There he is!" Grandma Esther was the first to wrap in a hug. "How are you, you sexy meatloaf?"
"I, uhh…well…"
"All right, that's enough woman!" Richard shooed her away with a rolled-up newspaper. "There's no need to infect him with your ugly!"
"Oh, hush up you balding nut sack."
Later, while everyone got together in the dining room and chatted amongst themselves, Ziggy got to telling the youngest of the Rottens about his exploits as a god.
"So there I was!" Ziggy explained using his dinner as visual aides. "Surrounded by ten of them! No--twenty! There were twenty of those guys! And so I led them into this chamber, you see? And then Pixel tried to stop me but I told him, 'No, Pixel! You need to live! I have to sacrifice myself! It's the only way!' And so I plugged the cord into the outlet then BAM! The lights went out and the chamber exploded! I remained unharmed and kept low to the ground until the battle was finished!"
"Ziggy, you know damn well that wasn't how it happened!" Stingy snapped from across the table. "You almost died!"
"Shush!" Ziggy kicked his leg. "They don't know what really happened!"
"Ziggy, I'm pretty sure they can tell you're full of crap." Trixie said pointing at the small children. "Look at them. Not a single one looks intrigued."
"Even with the Rottens I get no respect."
"Oh don't start that whole shtick again." Pixel shook his head.
"Hey! Don't blame me for your girlfriend not being here! If you wanted to see her so badly, you would have gone with her to see her parents!"
"Her parents hate me!"
"Yeah, well I hate you!" Robbie snickered.
"I just met you and I hate you too!" A Rotten relative nodded.
"Well said, Cousin Rocco!"
"Oh, shut up Robbie." Pixel rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous because I'm the better inventor."
"Is that so!?" Robbie stood up from his seat. "At least I have an authentic lab to test out my inventions!"
"What, you mean that rundown old airship of yours?" Pixel snorted. "Remind me, how long did it take for you to work out the controls?"
"Hey, I always wondered about something!" Richard began. "What's the deal with that billboard?"
"What do you mean?" Desirée smirked, anxious to find out where this was going.
"Well I mean what the hell are you advertising? All I see is a picture of a cow. Are you trying to sell me a cow? Is that it? Why the hell would I want a cow? Is it for beef or dairy? And why the hell is it purple!? A white cow with purple spots? That's not very believable! Oh! Oh! And where the hell is all the writing on the billboard!? If you're going to try and sell me something, shouldn't there be some kind of writing on there!? I mean how do you expect someone to buy your damn cow if there isn't any writing on there!? No address, no phone number, not even the seller's name! And where is this cow you're trying to sell!? I've been to your place a couple of times already and not once have I ever seen a cow! I saw some kind of cow costume in one of those damn tube thingies but hey, whatever you and Des do in the bedroom is your thing! And if you did have a cow, where the hell is it going to graze!? All the grass surrounding that damn hatch of yours is dead thanks to you flying that lair around saving some make-believe kingdom we've never seen before. Which, I might add, that your mother would like to visit one day! And I'm only saying that you take her there so she can stop bitching to me about it and finally say that she actually went somewhere other than Mt. Rushmore. Though, what her problem is with Teddy Roosevelt's chin is her problem. Though, come to think about it, he was a pretty hefty son of a bitch, wasn't he? I'd like to see another President like him in office someday before I die! Bully all the way, that's what I say! Hey! And do you know how hot dogs come in packs of eight and buns in packs of six!? You have to buy ten to eleven packs just to make them all match! Why do they do that!? And what's the deal with putting football team logos on baseball hats!? Huh!? That doesn't make a lick of sense! I'm just saying is all… But c'mon, Robbie! What's the deal with that fucking billboard!?"
Everyone just sat in silence, amazed and bewildered by Richard's sudden rant that started from a billboard and went on about mostly nothing. Even Uncle Randy was left speechless until…
"BACON MAKES MY BUTT VOMIT!"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang much to everyone's surprise. Rachel looked around to make sure all her guests were here and turned to her husband.
"Everyone's here, right? Nobody came late or anything like that?" She asked.
"I don't know." He shrugged. "I'm still wondering about that cow."
"Oh for the love of…"
Rachel left the table and headed for the entry, where she opened the door. She was confused to see two men, a short fat one and a tall thin one, standing at her doorway.
"Hello, mum"
"Hiya."
"Do I know you gentlemen?"
"S'allright, we're friends of Stephanie's." The fat one said as he forced himself inside the house and walked into the dining room. "Hey, Stephanie! We're here!"
"Oh, crap…" She bowed her head down and sighed. "Who invited them?"
"I didn't say anything." Clyde whispered then looked over to Trixie. "Did you?"
"No, don't be an idiot!"
They all looked at Ziggy, who was sitting down rather uncomfortably, fidgeting and gazing around the dining room.
"I, uhh…" He cleared his throat. "Might have mentioned something about a little get-together to one of them…"
"Evenin', squire!" The fat one shook Richard's hand and took a drumstick from his plate. "Name's Doug! Doug Piranha! This here's me brother Dinsdale! Thanks for inviting us over!"
"I don't seem to remember…" Richard looked at Stephanie, who was burying her face in her napkin. "Stephanie?"
"…What?" Her voice droned.
"These are friends of yours?"
"Define the word 'friend', would you?"
"Yeah, Steph and me go way back! Dinsy and I used to be the biggest crime bosses in all of LA before we got put in the slammer!"
"Yeah, that's right." Dinsdale nodded along. "But then she broke us out of prison so we could help her take down this evil wizard and we put together a whole new mob to do so."
"Right you are, Dinsy! We're reformed criminals and we only steal from the corrupt and give to us and ourselves!" He laughed. "HA HA! That's a good one, ain't it?"
"Ohh…" Stephanie could feel herself getting sick. "…Why? Why?"
There was another knock on the door. Rachel threw her hands up in the air and returned to answer it. This time, however, she was really taken by surprise by a heavy built man in a Santa outfit charging through the door with a gun in his hand.
"Everybody down on the floor NOW!" He demanded.
"Hey, buddy!" Stephanie said as she stood up from her chair. "You just broke into the wrong--"
BLAM!
"Oh, son of a bitch!" She fell to the floor with a bullet in her arm. "Okay, okay!"
"Stephanie!" Clyde whimpered as he dropped to the floor along with everyone else.
The man in the Santa outfit began raiding the Christmas tree and stuffing the gifts in his bag when Sportacus attempted to go after him.
"Oh no you don't!" He said, shooting Sportacus in the knee. "You're fast but not fast enough!"
"Magnus!" Helmina shrieked. "Are you in pain!?"
"I have a bullet in my kneecap." He said, shaking on the floor. "That kind of thing puts a crimp in your day, y'know?"
"Nobody else try to be a hero." The Santa warned.
"Look…" Richard spoke up. "This is just a family gathering. We don't want to lose anyone over something simple like a present. But… if you're going to start plucking us off one by one, can you start with the old lady that looks like Hillary Clinton 100 years from now?"
"What was that!?"
"You heard what I said, Miss Daisy!"
"Don't 'Miss Daisy' me, you walking case of herpes!"
"Aw, shut up Broadzilla! I don't want to die talking to your ugly face!"
"Ugly!? I'll show you ugly!"
"No need! I can see just fine over here, thanks! Woman's so damn old, her first driver's license was a rock!"
"I said shut up, you inbred tub of lard!"
"I CAN CUT GLASS WITH MY NIPPLES!"
"Shut up!" The Santa fired another round into the air. "Shut up! Shut up! Christ, how the hell do you people live with each other!?"
Suddenly, they heard a low footstep coming from outside. Richard recognized it immediately and grinned, knowing their deliverance would be at hand.
"You hear that?" Des asked Robbie.
"Yeah." He nodded. "What is it?"
"Sounds like footsteps…"
"…Big ones, maybe."
As the Santa finished packing his bag, he heard the footsteps approaching behind him and loaded another round in his gun. He turned around, ready to shoot his would-be attacker.
"All right, what do you--AHHHH!"
He found his arm suddenly getting hacked off by a man who was larger than he was and resembled a sort of Sly Stallone imitator. He wore a tight green short, army pants, combat boots and a red headband to hold back his messy black mane. He wiped his hatchet clean of the Santa's blood only to get it dirty again after chopping the man's head off. The blood splattered over everyone, who screamed and whined over the mess as they got back on their feet.
"Cousin Rhambow!" Richard ignored this and gave the big man a hug. "Welcome! You're just in time!"
"Yeah, thankyavehrymuch, y'know?" He slurred his words together. "Ahsjus in the neighbrhood an' ahsaw the Santa guy, y'know what I mean?"
"Well thanks a lot, Rham! You really came through? Are you hungry?"
"You guys!" Desirée suddenly screamed. "It's happening!"
"What is?" Robbie looked down and noticed the strange puddle that appeared out of nowhere. "Uh-oh…"
"Oh, God…" She started to breathe heavy. "Oh, God… Oh, God…"
"Yes?" Ziggy approached her.
She grabbed him by the collar and displayed her true strength. "I'M GONNA HAVE THE BABY RIGHT NOW!"
"Uhh… Stephanie?"
"Hey, don't look at me! I've got a bullet in my arm and Sportacus has one in his knee."
"Yeah, thanks for helping me up by the way." He said as he remained on the floor in a puddle of blood.
"Oh, shit…" Ziggy gulped. "Robbie, do you want to maybe…"
"The ambulance is on its way!" Rachel said as she returned to the room.
"SON OF A BITCH! I SWEAR I'M SHITTING A BRICK!"
"They're not going to be here on time!" Robbie panicked. "What do we do!? What do we do!?"
"Well deliver the baby!" Pixel smacked him upside the head. "You're the genius, right!?"
"Okay…" He nodded. "Okay…"
After they gathered the materials they needed, Pixel and Ziggy held Desirée and tried their best to comfort her. Desirée had her legs spread open over a clean sheet and as Robbie removed the covering to inspect the baby's progress, he turned ghostly pale.
"Robbie?" Pixel tried to catch his attention. "Robbie, focus!"
"…Sweet mother of God, what the hell is that!?" He shrieked before passing out.
"ROBBIE!" His wife screamed. "GOD DAMN IT, SOMEONE TAKE THIS KID OUT OF ME ALREADY!"
"Oh all right, fine!" Clyde volunteered as he pushed Robbie aside and bent down. "Okay…"
He took one look and passed out as well while Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Great. Next!"
"Move." Cousin Rhambow Rotten said as he took charge of the situation. "This baby's comin'."
"NO SHIT! YOU THINK!?"
"Hold on to sumthin'…"
"Here, take my hand!" Ziggy said as he held it out for her to reach.
Unfortunately for him, though, she reached a little bit lower and grabbed his crotch in full, squeezing with all her might to help with the pain.
"YOU'VE GOT A BIG FINGER!"
"Thank you!" He winced.
Soon, everyone in the room was screaming over something. Desirée over the birth of her baby, Ziggy over his crotch and Rhambow because that's what he does best when he's not chopping people's limbs off.
"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY BABY'S GONNA BE BORN IN A ROOM WITH A DEAD GUY! OH FUCK! THIS FUCKING HURTS! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Two hours later…
Robbie awoke in the hospital and was escorted inside his wife's room, where she held a small baby with a blue cap on his head and another with a pink cap. Stephanie and Sportacus, both wearing casts, smiled at the couple as they cradled their newborn children.
"Oh my God…" Robbie gasped. "Twins?"
Desirée smiled. "Meet your daddy…"
"My son… my daughter…" He leaned in and kissed his wife passionately while Sportacus and Stephanie tried to hold back their laughter. "What's so funny, you two?"
"Nothing." Stephanie said. "It's just… well… wouldn't you like to say hello to the rest of the family?"
"Huh?"
The doors suddenly opened to reveal Pixel, Trixie, Stingy, Doug and Dinsdale holding six new babies.
"Meet son number two." Said Pixel.
"Daughter number two." Said Trixie.
"Son number three." Said Stingy.
"Daughter number three." Said Dinsdale.
"And son number four." Said Doug.
"No…" Robbie stood up and wandered around the room with his hand to his mouth. "Septuplets?"
"Pretty cool, huh?" Ziggy said as he walked in with an ice pack over his groin. "Congratulations, Des."
"Thanks Ziggy." She smiled. "Sorry about your… uhh…"
"Don't worry about it."
"Well isn't this beautiful?" Richard said as he and Rachel walked in. "Seven kids, huh? You're gonna need a bigger lair!"
---
And so, they all gathered around for a group photograph and took their time adjusting themselves while Doug Piranha stood there impatiently with the camera.
"Are you lot ready!?" He snapped. "I haven't got all day, y'know!"
"Oh, shut up and get in the picture!" Stephanie ordered him. "Over there! Stand with your brother!"
"I know, I know!"
"So what are you going to name them, Robbie?"
"I…" He paused.
"It's still a little early, I think." Desirée finished for him.
The doctor who volunteered to take the picture stood back and smiled at the large family consisting of Richard, Rachel, Esther, Randy, Rhambow, Robbie and Desirée Rotten, the newborn septuplets, Stephanie and Clyde, Sportacus and Helmina, Stingy and Trixie, Pixel and Ziggy and the Piranha brothers.
The doctor found his shot and placed his finger on the button. "Say cheese!"
"NO!"
And as the photo was taken, the clock struck twelve. Christmas day at last. But no ordinary Christmas at that. This was a Christmas they were sure to remember for years to come.