Voldermort Dies A Horrible, Painful Death
(aka The Last Dark Lord)
By: drunkenfairy aka mutantkillerfrog
"Welcome ladies and germs to the first ever 'Boxing With The Bad Guys'," Lee Jordan said into his microphone. The stadium filled with deafening applause and screams from the stands.
In the middle of the Quidditch Pitch stood a boxing ring. The opponents stood glaring at each other from the opposite sides. Their towel boys encouraged them from their corners.
"And in the right corner, we present Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldermort," Lee Jordan said into the microphone. Deafening Boos destroyed the eardrums of more then one Death Eater. "Your going down!" Professor McGonagall yelled into Lee's microphone. Cheers and laughter sprang out from all directions in the stands. Voldermort stuck his middle finger up at her, which unfortunately was also in the direction of the Slytherin stands. Boos and hisses came them. Voldermort was going down. Once Lee Jordan had wrestled the microphone from McGonagall, he continued "and in the left corner we present Hagrid aka The Clobber," Three and a half stands lost their voices as they screamed their faces off. Hagrid was looking very impatient as he rubbed his hands together. Payback is going to be so much fun. "Boxers, please enter the ring." The Clobber and Voldermort threw off their towels and entered the ring. Voldermort got a little tangled in the ropes on the way in but he eventually got in. "Before we start I'd like to say congratulations Hagrid for getting ninety- nine percent of the betting votes," Lee Jordan announced. Most of the students laughed. Voldermort seem too pale a little but you could barely tell with his scaly skin. "Quick review of the rules, once the boxers are in the ring there are no rules," The screams doubled as the remaining Slytherins joined in. "Now are you ready?" Lee Jordan yelled into the microphone. The stands exploded in one big "YES!" "I can't hear you! Are you ready?" he yelled again. The world seemed to implode on itself as every single person in Hogwarts and the surrounding area screamed at "YES!!" at the top of their lungs. "Well let's get ready to rumble because your on go!" A transparent sphere developed the ring one GO left his mouth.
*INSIDE THE RING*
"Stupid half-breed. Didn't even bring your wand. I was pleased when they took your wand from you. You shouldn't have gotten it in the first place!" Voldermort hissed evily adding in a 'Mwahahahaha' just for affect.
"I'm going to beat you so hard, you'll never come out of your coma!" Hagrid laughed "It's your fault I was expelled. Payback's a bitch!" Hagrid said channeling his inner-giant.
"Avada Kedavra," Voldermort snarled, pointing his wand at Hagrid. But nothing happened, not even a spark. Voldermort looked down at his wand in confusion and hit it like you would an acting up television. He tried again, nothing happened.
"Oh we forgot to tell you, the barrier is magic proof. You can't do any magic in here," Hagrid informed him, laughing sadistically. A huge evil grin blossomed across his face. Voldermort was so going down!
Voldermort appeared scared. Terrified would be a better word. He never actually thought he would have to fight the beast.
Hagrid's grin grew more evil as he stepped forward and proceeded to beat Voldermort's fragile, bone white ass to the ground, and then some.
There was much screaming and cheers of encouragement from outside the barrier. Even the Slytherin's were getting into the swing of things, yelling and cheering with the best of them. Even though their Master's ass was being kicked.
For a good forty minutes Voldermort was kicked, beaten and thrown around the ring. At first he had tried to fight back but Hagrid put a quick end to that with one of his famous Death Nuggies. Boxing had turned into wrestling and wrestling turned into a one-man gangbang.
Once the hour-long boxing match ended, Voldermort was black and blue, green and a little purple here and there. There was a big patch of red on his scalp where Hagrid had given him The Death Nuggie.
Even though he needed some serious medical help everyone took off to the castle to celebrate Hagrid's victory, even the Death Eaters. The only one who even remembered he might need a little medical attention was Lucuis Malfoy, but Voldermort had lost him six hundred Galleons, he would have to manage on his own.
Twelve hours later, after a very drunken party, Professor Snape found Voldermort laying unconscious in the boxing ring. He rolled his eyes and decided he could wait another hour or two while he and Minerva got it on behind the stands.
The next day Madam Pomfrey announced Voldermort dead. Never mind he'd died of a heart attack when he saw the two Professors getting it on behind the stands, but they had to tell the press they'd at least tried to save him. He was, after all, their only Token Bad Guy at the moment.
Dumbledore cancelled classes for a full week and held an on-going party seven days. Pot, weed, and alcohol could always be found in the Great Hall at anytime of the day. Of course people started sleeping with people that they wouldn't normally sleep with *cough* Harry and Draco *cough* But it was a great party!
Of course after that only one and a half students actually showed up for class with only Trewlaney and Filch conscious enough to look at each other in horror, finding themselves in Filch's bed, before promptly passing out again. So Dumbledore cancelled two weeks more weeks. But this time was used for the healing process.
The Wizarding World never again had another Dark Lord to worry about because anyone who wanted the title had to last an hour in the ring with Hagrid or his descendants in the boxing ring. No one ever survived that challenge.
Moral: If you want to take over the world, make sure you can take down the biggest and baddest ass in your gym, then double that twenty-one times.
END
(aka The Last Dark Lord)
By: drunkenfairy aka mutantkillerfrog
"Welcome ladies and germs to the first ever 'Boxing With The Bad Guys'," Lee Jordan said into his microphone. The stadium filled with deafening applause and screams from the stands.
In the middle of the Quidditch Pitch stood a boxing ring. The opponents stood glaring at each other from the opposite sides. Their towel boys encouraged them from their corners.
"And in the right corner, we present Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldermort," Lee Jordan said into the microphone. Deafening Boos destroyed the eardrums of more then one Death Eater. "Your going down!" Professor McGonagall yelled into Lee's microphone. Cheers and laughter sprang out from all directions in the stands. Voldermort stuck his middle finger up at her, which unfortunately was also in the direction of the Slytherin stands. Boos and hisses came them. Voldermort was going down. Once Lee Jordan had wrestled the microphone from McGonagall, he continued "and in the left corner we present Hagrid aka The Clobber," Three and a half stands lost their voices as they screamed their faces off. Hagrid was looking very impatient as he rubbed his hands together. Payback is going to be so much fun. "Boxers, please enter the ring." The Clobber and Voldermort threw off their towels and entered the ring. Voldermort got a little tangled in the ropes on the way in but he eventually got in. "Before we start I'd like to say congratulations Hagrid for getting ninety- nine percent of the betting votes," Lee Jordan announced. Most of the students laughed. Voldermort seem too pale a little but you could barely tell with his scaly skin. "Quick review of the rules, once the boxers are in the ring there are no rules," The screams doubled as the remaining Slytherins joined in. "Now are you ready?" Lee Jordan yelled into the microphone. The stands exploded in one big "YES!" "I can't hear you! Are you ready?" he yelled again. The world seemed to implode on itself as every single person in Hogwarts and the surrounding area screamed at "YES!!" at the top of their lungs. "Well let's get ready to rumble because your on go!" A transparent sphere developed the ring one GO left his mouth.
*INSIDE THE RING*
"Stupid half-breed. Didn't even bring your wand. I was pleased when they took your wand from you. You shouldn't have gotten it in the first place!" Voldermort hissed evily adding in a 'Mwahahahaha' just for affect.
"I'm going to beat you so hard, you'll never come out of your coma!" Hagrid laughed "It's your fault I was expelled. Payback's a bitch!" Hagrid said channeling his inner-giant.
"Avada Kedavra," Voldermort snarled, pointing his wand at Hagrid. But nothing happened, not even a spark. Voldermort looked down at his wand in confusion and hit it like you would an acting up television. He tried again, nothing happened.
"Oh we forgot to tell you, the barrier is magic proof. You can't do any magic in here," Hagrid informed him, laughing sadistically. A huge evil grin blossomed across his face. Voldermort was so going down!
Voldermort appeared scared. Terrified would be a better word. He never actually thought he would have to fight the beast.
Hagrid's grin grew more evil as he stepped forward and proceeded to beat Voldermort's fragile, bone white ass to the ground, and then some.
There was much screaming and cheers of encouragement from outside the barrier. Even the Slytherin's were getting into the swing of things, yelling and cheering with the best of them. Even though their Master's ass was being kicked.
For a good forty minutes Voldermort was kicked, beaten and thrown around the ring. At first he had tried to fight back but Hagrid put a quick end to that with one of his famous Death Nuggies. Boxing had turned into wrestling and wrestling turned into a one-man gangbang.
Once the hour-long boxing match ended, Voldermort was black and blue, green and a little purple here and there. There was a big patch of red on his scalp where Hagrid had given him The Death Nuggie.
Even though he needed some serious medical help everyone took off to the castle to celebrate Hagrid's victory, even the Death Eaters. The only one who even remembered he might need a little medical attention was Lucuis Malfoy, but Voldermort had lost him six hundred Galleons, he would have to manage on his own.
Twelve hours later, after a very drunken party, Professor Snape found Voldermort laying unconscious in the boxing ring. He rolled his eyes and decided he could wait another hour or two while he and Minerva got it on behind the stands.
The next day Madam Pomfrey announced Voldermort dead. Never mind he'd died of a heart attack when he saw the two Professors getting it on behind the stands, but they had to tell the press they'd at least tried to save him. He was, after all, their only Token Bad Guy at the moment.
Dumbledore cancelled classes for a full week and held an on-going party seven days. Pot, weed, and alcohol could always be found in the Great Hall at anytime of the day. Of course people started sleeping with people that they wouldn't normally sleep with *cough* Harry and Draco *cough* But it was a great party!
Of course after that only one and a half students actually showed up for class with only Trewlaney and Filch conscious enough to look at each other in horror, finding themselves in Filch's bed, before promptly passing out again. So Dumbledore cancelled two weeks more weeks. But this time was used for the healing process.
The Wizarding World never again had another Dark Lord to worry about because anyone who wanted the title had to last an hour in the ring with Hagrid or his descendants in the boxing ring. No one ever survived that challenge.
Moral: If you want to take over the world, make sure you can take down the biggest and baddest ass in your gym, then double that twenty-one times.
END