"Finn, I've told you before, I'm just not ready!" Rachel repeated, covering herself up once more and sliding off his bed. "Maybe I should just go home."
"No, Rach, come on. It wasn't-I didn't mean to be such a jerk," Finn pleaded, but he knew it was hopeless. She kissed his cheek and grabbed her purse, heading for the door.
"I'll call you later," she cried over her shoulder as she shut his door closed behind her. One of these days he was going to learn to keep his mouth shut and actually wait for Rachel to bring up potentially moving farther than second base.
"You seem grumpy," Kurt commented a couple hours later as he walked in the kitchen.
"You've been around me for a whole three seconds," Finn retorted, grabbing a hand full of chips as he stared blankly at his computer screen.
"You slammed doors and stomped down the stairs and let me inform you, those things tend to be mood killers." Finn made an awkward grunt but didn't expand on the conversation, he knew Blaine had been over-he couldn't remember the last day Kurt hadn't been with Blaine-but he was too preoccupied with getting Rachel to loosen up when it came to sex that he didn't really care. "What's going on?" Kurt asked as he sat down at a stool next to him on the island counter. "Are you seriously googling how to convince your girlfriend to go to third base right now?"
Finn flushed red at Kurt's comment and slammed his laptop lid down. "No!" he proclaimed as Kurt snorted with laughter. "Shut up," he mumbled, causing Kurt to laugh even harder.
When he managed to calm himself down, Kurt rested a comforting hand on Finn's wrist. "When she's ready, she's ready. You can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do yet."
"Is that what Blaine says about you?" Finn asked sincerely, grabbing another handful of chips.
"What makes you think I'm the hold up?" Kurt shot back. Finn shrugged but didn't answer, Kurt had yelled at him enough about chewing with his mouth open. "Maybe it's Blaine who won't put out."
"I just figured with-" Finn started, interrupted by the front door opening and his mother calling out a hello!
"We can talk about this later," Kurt whispered before going out to the hallway, moments later Finn heard "Carole your hair looks fabulous! That cut really looks great, are there more groceries in the car I can help you with?"
"Help me," Finn whined as he flopped on Kurt's bed. Kurt was busy doing his nightly moisturizing routine, had to make sure his face was perfect as always, but there were two mugs of warm milk sitting on his dresser. Finn had detested the ritual Kurt had originally instigated when it started, almost throwing up the first time he drank the warm milk. Now though he was so used to coming into Kurt's room and venting about whatever was on his mind. It was nice having a brother, especially Kurt. He could actually talk without worrying about sounding like a girl, and Kurt almost always gave good advice.
As long as it didn't involve singing about feelings again, because they had both learned that lesson.
"What's wrong now?" Kurt asked as he carried over the mugs and sat on his bed, handing one to Finn who sat up to take his cup.
"I called Rachel to apologize-"
"Did you do it sincerely?"
"Of course! And she was like," Finn pinched his face up and his voice jumped a couple octaves as he attempted to imitate his girlfriend, "maybe until you can control yourself better we should take a step back from the sexual aspect of our relationship."
"Wow," Kurt replied, looking startled. Finn took a giant sip of his milk, draining the cup in one gulp.
"It's just, like, we're dating. And part of the appeal of dating is having someone you care about to fool around with!"
"You're so romantic," Kurt said dryly.
"Are you disagreeing?" Finn asked, and Kurt shrugged.
"Not entirely. Maybe it's just a matter of the fact that you word things atrociously. You feel awkward about a topic, or you don't know exactly how to word what you're feeling, and it comes out wrong. And that tends to be where you and Rachel mess up the most." He offered before taking a sip of his own milk.
"I don't know man," Finn shrugged, standing up now to pace back and forth. "It's just like, we get along great-we've been doing really awesome this time around, ever since New York and Jesse and part of it is probably because we're on summer vacation. So we don't see Quinn or Santana or any of the other people who tend to stir up drama between us."
"Right," Kurt replied, but Finn was worked up and on a roll now, so he didn't really listen to him.
"But every time we get close to going further-and I know this squicks you out or whatever, but like, two weeks ago I didn't even try and put my hand in her shorts, just you know, over them or whatever, and she freaked out and left! It wasn't like I'm going to rip off your clothes and fuck you now, it was like let's see where this could go because your shirt is off and we're taking baby steps at the rate of nothing." Kurt raised an eyebrow but let Finn continue on his tirade. "I just don't understand why it's taking so long. Even you've gone farther with Blaine than I have with Rachel at this point! Fuck, I'm pretty sure Blaine went farther with Rachel at her party that night than I have. It's ridiculous!"
Kurt turned bright red but didn't speak. Finn finally tired himself out and sat back down on the bed next to Kurt, making disgruntled moans of disgust every couple minutes.
"Can I tell you something?" Kurt finally said quietly, and Finn looked up quickly. Kurt didn't usually share during their 'lady chats' as Finn refused to acknowledge Kurt had named them, mostly just helped Finn with his problems.
"Of course dude, you listen to me whine all the time." Kurt still looked uncomfortable, so Finn prodded him a little. "Talk Kurt."
"Everyone assumed that after what happened with Karofsky that I would be the one to want to take things slow with Blaine," he spit out, talking about twice the speed he normally did. Finn strained to keep up with him, but listened as best he could regardless. "And I did, for a long time. Except then we were in love and I was like well I can get on board with this, I can go further now, we can do things that boyfriends do with each other, and now Blaine won't do anything besides make out."
"Wait," Finn asked once he had caught up with Kurt's words. "You guys don't do anything?" Kurt shook his head 'no' in response, a frustrated sigh escaping his mouth.
"We used to do some stuff," Kurt replied, and Finn didn't know if he was glad or disappointed Kurt didn't go into further detail, "but then the summer started and we just kind of-stopped. I mean, we didn't even do what we were doing, and it wasn't that much-probably not even further than you and Rachel."
"Shit," Finn said eloquently.
"Yup," Kurt responded just as eloquently.
"You know, it's almost too bad we're step brothers," Finn said a few minutes later. Kurt looked at him, his face completely puzzled. "Well, okay, so don't tell anyone this and if you do I'll deny it forever, but before Puck got together with Lauren and neither of our girlfriends would do anything for us, we'd…well," Finn tried to explain awkwardly.
"You and Puck used to jerk each other off." Kurt repeated, half in amazement and half in shock. Finn's face burned at the blatant statement, it sounded so dirty when it was said like that.
"I mean, sometimes. Not a lot. Only a couple times, during desperate circumstances. Like, really, really desperate."
"I just can't even imagine that," Kurt stated, and when Finn opened his mouth to explain-why would you bother explaining- he stopped him with a quick "I don't want to imagine that, thanks."
"I wasn't going to tell you anyways," Finn muttered.
"Besides, that was a preposterous idea. Only straight guys would think, 'Hey! My girlfriend won't fuck me, maybe my best friend can get me off instead.'" Kurt marveled, clearly still trying to get his mind around the idea.
"I didn't say we should do it," Finn tried to argue back, though if he thought about it, the idea was nice. Not in an I want Kurt kind of way, more of an in an I'm tired of doing this for myself and that's part of why I have a girlfriend kind of way. Which is why Puck and he had tried it a few times pre-Zizes days in the first place.
"Maybe we should," Kurt said quietly. Finn looked at him, not saying anything, because this was definitely not what he was expecting out of tonight's lady chat. "I'm not saying it should be something common, or something we should ever talk about or tell anyone about," he continued on, clearly forming the rules as he spoke. "But, I mean. It's not like it's wrong-we're step brothers, so that's not technically illegal I think. And it's not like we'd get attached-we each have our perspective relationships."
"I love Rachel," Finn offered when Kurt fell silent, and Kurt nodded in agreement.
"And I love Blaine. This is really just a way for us to keep them, really. Because if we have someone else we can-for lack of a better term, come to-we won't be pressuring them as much and they can come to us in their own time."
"So, we're going to do this thing."
Kurt sighed heavily. "It's weird. But if you're in-"
"I'm in," Finn agreed quickly.
"-then I guess, yeah. We're now Step-Brothers-With-Benefits or something. A trend that no one needs to know about," he finished with a stern glare.
Finn nodded in agreement. "Of course. No one has to know about this."
"Well then," Kurt said.
"Well then," Finn repeated.
They didn't actually utilize their new agreement for almost a week. For one, Rachel was away touring college campuses and visiting New York. Her dad's had invited Finn along, but it would just remind him how their time together was limited to the next year, and he declined their offer. When she came home, she spent an entire evening talking about New York and Julliard and NYU-her top two choices-and about how perfectly at ease she felt in the city.
"At one point, my dad wanted to see Central Park, so we took a subway because there was so much traffic, and neither of my dads could figure it out, and I managed to do it perfectly on our first try!" she squealed, practically bouncing up and down on his bed. He tried to make her stop, sure that if the bed made any weird noises his mom or Burt would come investigate, and he really wanted to make out with her soon.
"That's great!" he told her, smiling enthusiastically before leaning over to kiss her. She kissed back for a minute before she thought of something else, pushing him away lightly and squealing loudly.
"And then we went to see Wicked and I told them how Kurt and I snuck in there only a few short months ago and sang For Good and they were so impressed and kept telling me how they couldn't wait to come see me perform on that stage," she continued, and Finn nodded along, smile on his face and giving up any hope of doing any fooling around that night.
A couple hours later she left, Burt and Carole already asleep in their room. Finn knocked heavily on Kurt's door, and Kurt opened it a moment later. "It's pretty late," he mentioned, but let Finn in regardless.
"Yeah, well, I was thinking-I know we sort of talked about a step brothers with benefits thing?" Finn asked, hoping for any kind of reaction from Kurt. He didn't get one. "Well, if you were serious about that, maybe we could actually, like, I don't know, do that? Tonight?"
Kurt smirked, taking Finn's hand and sitting them both down on the bed. "If we're really going to do this, we have to be clear. There is never going to be talk about this outside of when it's happening. Rachel and Blaine never find out. And no matter what, this part of our relationship stays purely physical. And if there's a point where it gets too weird-for either of us-we stop. No matter what." Finn nodded in agreement, thinking those seemed like fair terms.
"So, how do we start this? Do we, like, kiss, or do we just go for it?" he asked after a moment of awkward sitting.
"I have no idea. I've never done this before," Kurt said. "What did you and Puck used to do?"
Finn cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Well, sometimes we'd put porn on-but I get the feeling we'd like very different porn-or sometimes we'd use dirty talk or something. It depended on where we were or what was going on."
"So, so not gay," Kurt muttered, but Finn ignored him. "Well, no one ever said this had to be completely mutual," Kurt suggested, and Finn looked at him confused.
"I would hope it's mutual, otherwise it's going to be really even more awkward."
Kurt chuckled, "Not like that one of us doesn't want to do it in general. More like, we don't both have to be turned on at the same time and all that. For example, since you're the one who needs-" Kurt looked like he was scanning his brain, looking for a comfortable word to land on, "relief? Let's go with relief. Since you're the one who needs relief tonight, I could just get you off. Or, say, it was me who needed to get off. You could work with me."
"I get it," Finn smiled, the idea turning in his head. "This doesn't make me gay, does it?" he asked Kurt quietly after a couple minutes.
Kurt chuckled, rolling his eyes. "I'd say it lends itself to a more questionable area, but since you can probably get it up better for Rachel than you will for me, I'm pretty sure you're not gay."
Finn let out a sigh of relief, "Okay, because I mean, I'm cool with you being gay and all, but I don't think I can handle that."
"I don't think anyone could," Kurt retorted. "Now, are we going to start this or not?"
Finn always felt awkward when the time came for him or Kurt to use their pact. It was almost always late at night, one of them sneaking into the others room. The first time Kurt had come crawling to him had been the most awkward-he had no idea what to do for Kurt, because things with Kurt were different. He cared about Kurt on a level he never cared about Puck, and he wanted to make sure it was really actually good for him. Kurt always told him it was great, that he was satisfied, but Finn had a nagging that he wasn't as good as Blaine would be.
They learned to establish a few rules as they went along. The first one they had made the first night-there wasn't to be any kissing. Kissing was almost more intimate than anything else Kurt had said while his hand was pumping away on Finn's cock, though Finn hadn't been able to focus too much on Kurt's rule making at the time.
The second rule was that they had to be quiet. This was harder for Kurt than it was for Finn, but the rule was made with obvious reasons-the last thing they needed was for one of their parents to walk in when they were in the middle of an orgasm. Neither thought the family would recover from that.
The third rule was that there was no talking about the outside world when they were fooling around. If there was any bit of skin showing that wasn't there normally-mentioning things like relationships, friends, family, the upcoming school year was completely regarded as an illegal move. A 'technical foul' Finn dubbed it the first time Kurt accidentally mentioned Blaine during what would have otherwise been a phenomenal blow job.
They had their limits on what each would do, and surprisingly to both of them, Finn seemed eager to do more-and more often-than Kurt. It started out so that he was almost purposely making Rachel mad at him, one time going so far that she slapped him. Kurt had taken his time with Finn that night, and Finn knew it was definitely worth it.
It wasn't until Blaine came over one afternoon that Finn noticed there was something weird going on. Kurt and Blaine were sitting in the living room watching a movie and making out, and Finn felt his stomach burn. It was startling, a feeling he hadn't really noticed since Jesse had left Rachel alone. But it was definitely jealousy, and Finn had to restrain himself from picking a fight with Blaine. He knew it would only lead to no good, and potentially hurt his relationship-all aspects of it-with Kurt. He stewed quietly in the corner, reminding himself that in just a short week Kurt and him would be back at McKinley while Blaine went back to Dalton, their time together even more limited whereas Finn saw Kurt almost 24/7.
The second week of school, Glee was already rocked with drama and scandal. Finn, for his part, had settled into the back. After the general consensus that he had ruined their win at National's, he was content to sit back and let Rachel take the reins. Mercedes and Sam were under attack from Quinn-who had apparently decided she wanted Sam back after Finn ignored her advances-and Santana was bitchier than ever. A few new students joined the club as well, but they didn't particularly bother with him.
Finn spent most of this time sitting in the back row with Kurt, rolling his eyes as the girls stirred up drama and whispering things during performances. He had gotten yelled at twice already by Schue, but Kurt didn't seem to act any different towards Finn. Finn tried getting Kurt's attention more, but Kurt was oblivious. The thought that maybe Kurt wasn't feeling towards Finn what Finn was beginning to feel towards his step brother was painful, even though it was becoming abundantly clear. He knew he should have put a stop to their thing right then and there, but then he wouldn't have Kurt at all, and he didn't want that even more.
"Rachel!" he called out in the hallway one day before school, catching up to her at her locker.
"Hi!" she smiled as she closed her locker, linking her arm in his.
"I was thinking maybe we should be partners for this week's Glee lesson," Finn suggested. "You can come over later and we can practice."
She crinkled her nose and a quick "Sorry!" fell out of her mouth. "I already agreed to partner with Kurt. But I will be over later to practice with him; you can watch and critique us!"
"Oh, that sounds great!" he lied, because the idea of sitting and watching Kurt and Rachel sing together was basically torture for him.
"Good, I'll see you at lunch then," she said with a quick kiss on the cheek before heading to her English class.
"See you at lunch," he repeated miserably, heading for Spanish.
Finn sat on the couch that afternoon while Kurt and Rachel bickered over song choices. He kept turning his head between the two, trying to figure out why he never seemed to be content with what he had. He loved Rachel, he knew that, but now he had a vague notion he also loved Kurt. And that was the last thing he had ever expected.
"Why don't you two sing another song from that musical you love?" He suggested after Kurt turned down another one of Rachel's suggestions. "You both love Broadway and all that."
"We could always sing What Is This Feeling," Rachel offered, and Kurt nodded, a smile forming on his face.
"We do make a great Elphaba and Glinda," Kurt agreed.
"See, now everyones happy," Finn replied, getting off the couch. "I'm going to get a snack," he stated as the two searched through Kurt's sheet music binder for the Wicked section. Finn placed a hand on Kurt's back without thinking about it until Kurt shot him a weird look, Rachel thankfully still absorbed with Kurt's collection. "Does anyone want anything?" Finn asked, his voice slightly higher pitched.
"Just a water please," Rachel requested, not looking up.
"Same," Kurt said with a weird glance at Finn. "I have a date with Blaine in a couple hours, so I don't want to eat until we go to Breadstix." Kurt was still staring at Finn with that weird expression, almost like pity, but Finn was too busy trying to get his hands to stop forming fists. The mere mention of Blaine was driving him up a wall these days, actually seeing the Warbler was sure to set his mood off even more.
"We should go to Breadstix Finn, we haven't gone out in forever," Rachel exaggerated.
"No," Finn said automatically, causing Rachel to stare at him with wide eyes. "I just, I mean, my mom's been asking if you'll come over for dinner again so I thought you could do that?" he tried, and Rachel seemed to buy his excuse.
"Okay," she agreed, smile back on her face. Kurt continued to glance at him warily before turning his attention back to Rachel and the project at hand.
"Hello!" Blaine announced, walking into the room still in his Dalton uniform with a smile on his face. Finn sneered before leaving the room to get the diva's their waters, hoping he'd be gone long enough for Blaine to just disappear. Instead he was welcomed back into the room by witnessing an increasingly passionate kiss between him and Kurt, and Finn was sure he was going to be sick.
"I got you a water," Finn announced loudly and hitting Kurt with the bottle until Kurt broke apart from his boyfriend and took it, Rachel taking hers silently.
"Thanks," Kurt squeaked, flushed from Blaine's kiss.
"Are you going to perform for us?" Blaine asked eagerly, sitting down on the couch.
"Well, we were practicing-" Rachel began, but Kurt cut her off.
"We can always practice another time, can't we?" he asked, almost desperately. Rachel nodded with a smile.
"Of course, I know you two don't get to see each other as often as you'd probably like. Not everyone is fortunate to have a boyfriend around all day at school," she grinned, leaning up to kiss Finn. He kissed her quickly before pulling away, ignoring the look of rejection on her face.
"Isn't this assignment due like, tomorrow?" Finn asked, but Kurt shrugged.
"Let one of the newbies handle it. Rachel and I can't carry the club forever. Ready to go Blaine?" he asked, turning his attention to the shorter boy who was now standing next to Finn.
"Absolutely," Blaine grinned, kissing Kurt once more before the two left the house hand in hand. Finn didn't hide his scowl of disgust quite as well as he should have.
Rachel sat quietly on his bed doing homework while he threw a football in the air, not even attempting to see if she wanted to fool around. His mind was too busy thinking about scenarios in which he could get into a fight with Blaine, or get him out of the picture. It wasn't until his mom called Rachel and him down for dinner that he realized Rachel had even been talking, a slight flash of guilt coming across him before he pushed it away.
"How was school?" Carole asked as she passes the bowl of spaghetti to Rachel, glancing between the two. Finn didn't answer, still wrapped up in his own head, so Rachel supplied a story about their afternoon in Glee and their assignment for the week.
"You looking into colleges for singing?" Burt asked after her stories dwindled, and Rachel nodded, this having spurred her into her newest favorite debate: NYC vs. Julliard.
"Really it will mostly come down to finances," she answered as she tore off a piece of bread. "My dads have saved up money for me since they adopted me, but I'll probably choose whichever one gives me a bigger scholarship."
"Well, we're hoping Finn here can win a couple scholarships of his own," his mom beamed proudly across the table. Finn stared vacantly at his plate, not even remembering eating his food.
"Finn is incredibly talented," Rachel offered, but even she seemed to be quieting down as the meal came to a close. "Finn?" she asked quietly, and he looked up at her.
"Yeah?" he responded, his voice giving away his disinterest.
"Can we talk?" He nodded, and Rachel issued a quick thank you as they stepped away from the table to the front yard. The fall was starting to set in, and Rachel shivered a little when she stopped halfway down the driveway.
"What's up?" he asked.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked bluntly. "You haven't been yourself. You're quiet, and moody, and honestly I haven't seen you this distracted since babygate with Quinn. Are you upset with me?"
"Of course not," he told her, but he could tell from the look on her face that it wasn't convincing enough for her. It didn't even seem convincing enough for him. "I love you," he tried, but that didn't seem to go over any better.
"Then why are you being so short with me? Why are you so moody and distant and why do you make it seem like you just don't care at all?" Finn gulped, feeling very guilty now. He had become the worlds shittiest boyfriend, and he hadn't even noticed.
"I'm sorry Rach, I'm so sorry-"
"Are you cheating on me?" she asked quietly, and he stood there in shock.
"Of course not!" he repeated, louder this time, but she shook her head, not listening to his words.
"I knew it," she whispered and to his horror she sounded like she was about to cry. "I knew something was going on. And all this time I've been worried about when you would go back to Quinn."
"Rachel, it's complicated, please just let me-"
"No. No, I'm done Finn Hudson. You should have left me alone with Jesse. At least he treated me better than you ever will," she seethed through her tears, which he could faintly see streaming down her face. She stormed off, and he wanted to run after her, knew that he should, but he stayed rooted in his spot.
He had blown his absolute last shot with Rachel Berry, and he wasn't even half as upset as he should be about it.
He sat in his room waiting for Kurt to come home. He paced back and forth, the Facebook comments as his relationship status turned from 'In a relationship' to 'single' causing his phone to go off every few minutes. It only seemed to make the night drag on even longer, all the while Finn was wondering how a date could possibly take this long.
Finally he heard Kurt climb the stairs and enter his room. Finn gave him approximately five minutes before practically running in, not bothering to knock. Kurt was at his dresser, preparing his outfit for the following day. "Finn?" he asked, but Finn didn't give him an answer or even another chance to talk, quickly covering Kurt's mouth with his own. His kiss was desperate, trying to convey everything he didn't want to say out loud, and when Kurt pushed him off a moment later, he reached the conclusion that maybe he didn't want Kurt to acknowledge what had just happened.
"I'm sorry," Finn rushed out. "I just, Rachel broke up with me because she knows something is going on and she stormed off-"
"As is her fashion."
"-and I just can't freaking handle anything anymore because I wasn't even upset when she left but when Blaine left with you I wanted to run him over with a chain saw or something, and I think what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm in love with you Kurt." Kurt stared at him, speechless, his face unmoving. "Kurt?"
"Finn," he began, but Finn didn't like his tone so he interrupted him.
"No! No, listen, you break up with Blaine. And it can be us, just us. No one has to know about it, we can keep it a secret still, but you can't tell me you don't have feelings for me!" Finn was desperate; he couldn't stop himself from talking now. "You can't tell me that you love Blaine more than me," he whimpered.
Kurt's eyes were filled with sympathy as he took one of Finn's hands in his own. "Finn, I think maybe it's time we end this," he stated sadly.
"I don't want to," Finn whispered, afraid that more than anything, he had completely fucked up everything. "I can't lose you and Rachel in the same night," he said, and he felt like he was going to cry. He hadn't felt like that since the Quinn incident, and yet he knew that if he stayed around Kurt with his beautiful sad eyes he was going to collapse into a ball and cry.
"You're not losing me," Kurt answered. "We're still brothers. But I think that's all we should be-just brothers."
Finn stormed out of Kurt's room, slamming his own door shut and collapsing on his bed.
Never had he been so alone.