Title: At a Juncture
Author: Padme Amidala (kenobi1s@tokyo.com)
Rating: G
Summary: (AU) What if Anakin told Obi-Wan everything about his relationship with Padmé?
Anakin did not like how the antiseptic smell of the healer's ward invaded everything. He could feel the smell of disinfectant cling to his skin, to his hair and to his clothes, exactly the way Tatooine sand permeated everything. The more he thought about it, the more irritated he felt. It was too clean, too…unnatural.
He grimaced sourly at his last thought and then glanced at the golden metal hand that lay by his side. The cyber electronic technicians had assured him repeatedly that he would eventually cease regarding the hand as a foreign object and that his mind would treat it like the natural one. They had even left a small ball nearby and encouraged him to practice with it, confident of the dexterity and flexibility of their latest invention.
There was a problem though.
He hated it.
Raising his natural hand, he examined it closely. He flexed it open and closed, all the while observing the bones moving, the muscles rippling and his skin creasing into wrinkles and then smoothening itself out. Dark blue veins crisscrossed and ran close to his skin's surface.
Details, Anakin thought with resentment, as he compared his natural hand to the cybernetic one. These cyber electronic technicians had forgotten about the infinitesimal details of the human hand.
It was your own undoing, another annoying but persistent voice in his mind admonished. He dropped his hand and closed his eyes. Obi-Wan's desperate plea in the Count's hangar echoed in his mind, haunting him: "Anakin, NO!"
He could not help but wonder how things might have been different if only he had curbed his anger and impulsiveness and instead chosen to work alongside his Master. Obi-Wan would not have been on the brink of death and Padmé would not have to look at a maimed man.
Struggling to hold such despondent thoughts at bay, Anakin shut his eyelids tightly and forced himself to go to sleep.
* * * *
"He's not the same," Obi-Wan muttered to himself over and over again, but doing so did nothing to abate the anxiety growing within him. The unsettling feeling first took root when he saw Anakin again in the Geonosian arena. He could not give any particular reason — he just knew that this Anakin was not the same one he had seen leave Coruscant. The Anakin he knew was ready to meet danger with a cocky grin and a lightsabre already activated; the Anakin on Geonosis seemed deeply apologetic, subdued…simply weighed down.
"I must get him to open up about what happened on Naboo or Tatooine…or both," he resolved grimly to himself.
It was then that he felt deep regret. He was supposed to be there for his Padawan, to be an eyewitness and mentor to whatever obstacles his Padawan faced en route to Knighthood. He was supposed to know the root of his Padawan's troubles, like the uncanny way Qui-Gon sensed the causes of Obi-Wan's anxiety. Instead, thanks to the Council, he knew more about clone armies and the political schemes driving the Republic to inevitable disaster than about his own apprentice. Although he understood that Jedi were now sorely needed wherever increasing conflicts erupted throughout the Republic, he hated the fact that it directly impacted him and Anakin, driving them apart when they should be working together.
I've failed again as a Master, he berated himself. I should've fought harder against the Council's decision to send us in separate missions, like Qui-Gon would. In frustration, he slammed his hand on the wall, startling the healers who had been watching him pace the hallway.
He shook his head to derail his mind from that track of thinking. He had meant it when he declared allegiance to the Jedi Council and whatever side it supported. He would not lose faith in them now.
"Master Kenobi, you may see your Padawan now," a young Twi'lek healer said softly upon leaving Anakin's room. "Although he is asleep."
Obi-Wan merely nodded and stepped into the dimly lit room. Only Anakin's golden hand was illuminated by a glowlamp.
"What do you think? Do I look like Threepio now?" Anakin joked, although his eyes were still closed. He pressed a button and a soft, white light filled the room.
"Of course not, Padawan," Obi-Wan replied dryly, remembering the golden droid that Padmé had reintroduced him to. "Did I disturb you? She told me you were asleep." He drew up a chair next to the bed.
"You know I can't sleep well, Master."
Obi-Wan did not think that this was the right moment to ask whether his nightmares about his mother continued. Instead he asked: "So, how does your new arm feel?"
"Weird. It still feels disconnected," Anakin answered with a shrug. After a pause, he said hesitantly, "I don't know if I can use a lightsabre with this one Master."
Obi-Wan grasped Anakin's metal hand and smiled reassuringly. "Physical handicaps make no one any less, Anakin, nor do they impede Jedi from channeling the Force. Remember what I said about Jedi Master Tahl?"
"I know, but it's so unnatural…"
"I'll help you." His voice was barely above a whisper.
Anakin had to turn away from his mentor's piercing gaze. Obi-Wan suddenly seemed so honest and open…he felt so guilty about the many secrets he had locked up deep within. He knew — and his Master sensed it too — that he was at a crucial juncture. Should I tell Master Obi-Wan everything? Or some selected parts? What about Padmé?
He felt a sense of panic rising within him quickly, like water rapidly entering a punctured vessel. Anakin tried to quell his panic, except he had too many holes in him and he was not sure if he could seal all of them. He had no idea what to do. He did know that his Master was bound to ask himself what happened on Naboo within the next couple of seconds — unless he thought up a diversion.
"I have something to tell you," Obi-Wan said slowly. He averted his eyes and kept them focused on his own hands.
Too late, Anakin despaired.
"I know I have not been there as a Master… It's just that with all the things going on, the Council needs the two of us to be doing separate things when we really should be working together. If I could have my way, I would really want to be on the same missions with you, and I do mean that…" Obi-Wan took a deep breath to calm himself. "To put it simply, I hope you know that I will always be there to just listen to whatever you have to say."
Anakin was dumbfounded. He was expecting to be reprimanded for his recklessness or interrogated in a hostile manner. Did the mission change Obi-Wan too?
Anakin cleared his throat. "Thank you… I am glad you said that." He paused, quickly glancing at Obi-Wan, who was waiting for him to continue. "I have…something to tell you myself," he said. "Padmé has asked that I escort her back to Naboo. Queen Jamilla needs her guidance on preparing her planet for war. And…I have said yes."
Obi-Wan ran a hand through his tousled hair; Anakin was not entirely sure whether it was because of frustration or it was simply a sign of contemplation.
"You don't have to disguise your reasons for going, Anakin. I may have had my hands full fending off the ambush of droids in the Geonosian arena, but I noticed the two of you were always together, working in tandem. You were especially protective of her, despite the fact that even the Separatists knew she could fight back. Then on the gunship, when she tumbled out onto a sand dune, you looked so desperate and heartbroken," Obi-Wan broke off to firmly grip both Anakin's shoulders. "Some details don't escape a Padawan's Master, Anakin."
"I know, Master," Anakin said hoarsely.
"You love her."
Anakin nodded, eyeing him carefully. "And she loves me. Deeply." A part of him felt like cringing, afraid of what words were going to come out of Obi-Wan's mouth next.
A less understanding Obi-Wan might have uttered that love was simply forbidden, that the Jedi Council would never allow attachments.
Too late now, he thought sardonically.
"Master?"
Obi-Wan sighed. "I always knew one day you will move away from me and strike out on your own as a Jedi Knight," he began. "But not like this…not like this."
He paused to rub his eyes.
This is it. I'm a failure, Anakin predicted.
"I wish I could be like a real father and tell you everything is going to be all right. But it's not. Couldn't you two have picked a better time to be together?" he couldn't help but quip.
Anakin's mouth gaped open in protest.
"Sorry, I'm not helping," Obi-Wan said quickly. His tone turned somber again. "Anakin, a Jedi's life is full of sacrifices — even I have had to give up someone I loved. It wasn't even for the sake of the Order. It was so she could live a full life with someone else who can go home to her every day, every year. My point is, think of the consequences she'll have to face: her senate career will be compromised. You'll be off on frequent missions — "
"Master, Padmé brought up all of this on Naboo," Anakin interrupted, growing cross. "She didn't want to fall in love…but we did anyway. She confessed how she felt on Geonosis."
"I see."
"That's it? That's all you can say?" Anakin exclaimed incredulously.
Obi-Wan put his hands up in an effort to calm down Anakin's temper. He did not want this conversation to degenerate into a confrontation, which seemed to be the only way he could communicate with Anakin as of late.
"You will be with her then," he stated. "You won't let her go. It's not a question."
"Yes," affirmed Anakin.
"And you'll be a Jedi at the same time."
What if Anakin decides to leave because of Padmé?, a doubtful voice within him whispered.
Obi-Wan's throat tightened with fear. He had seen firsthand what happened to powerful Jedi like Dooku who leave the Order: they were quickly snatched up by the Dark Side. There were no in-betweens.
I won't let him, he resolved quickly to reassure himself.
"Yes," Anakin repeated, this time with a more stubborn tone. To hell with all the obstacles, he thought defiantly. The only thing I know is that I love Padmé and I'm going to cling to that truth no matter what.
For a couple of minutes, Obi-Wan's glassy eyes were focused on the opposite wall. To Anakin, he seemed deep in meditation. Then, suddenly, he turned around and got up to leave.
"Master? What're you going to do?," Anakin dared to ask.
Obi-wan's lips pressed together tightly in a forlorn smile. His Padawan sounded vulnerable and in need of help.
"Nothing Anakin. Absolutely nothing. Go to Naboo…and finish what you started."