Janet is the only one who understands, Blink thought as he watched her sleep beside him. He put his hand over his eye and tried to find something good about that fact. Janet is, after all, a working girl. And if the only person he can trust with his secrets is the one he has to pay to be around, then his life is even worst then he thought it was.
He rolled over and punched his pillow, but it didn't make him feel better.
He slid a finger under the string holding his patch in place and rubbed at the indented skin beneath it. A moan drifted through the wall and he wondered who was still awake at this hour. His mind instantly formed a picture of Mush in the arms of a faceless whore and he pushed it away, fighting to ignore the feelings it brought with it.
He sat up and moved to the washstand. He splashed his face and then dried it off with a cloth, praying the empty feeling in his chest would go away. He must of made more noise then he realized, because when he looked up Janet's brown eyes meet his.
"I'm sorry if I woke you," he said penitently.
She smiled and shook her head. "Not you, the pair of 'em next door. Don't know how Maggie's got the energy. I'm worn out and there's just the one."
Blink grinned with relief. Maggie. That meant it wasn't Mush after all. The emptiness eased and he made his way back to the bed.
"Couldn't sleep then?" she asked, brushing his hair back as he settled in next to her. He shook his head. "Want to talk about it?"
He touched her cheek and sighed. "Not really."
"You'll feel better for it," she said with a smile, tweaking his ear.
Blink knew he would. But he didn't want to go into it tonight. He wanted to lie in her arms and pretend, for just one moment, that he was normal and that everything was alright. He touched her hair, a wrapping her tight curls around a finger and tugged gently.
"You've done more then enough for one night, Janet," he said with a forced grin.
"Oh, right you are," she agreed cheekily. "But you haven't got what you came for yet."
He widened his eye at her innocently. "Well now, what was that then, the messy bit at the end?"
She slapped his arm playfully. "Don't be taking that tone with me now, Master Blink. I know you too well for it to work."
Blink propped his head on his hand and grinned at her. "Do you now?"
She nodded. "You've been coming here how long now? Always to me. I wouldn't be worth half of what you pay me if I didn't know a thing or two about you by now."
"Two years," Blink said without thinking.
She shook her head bemusedly. "That long already?" she laughed. "There, you see, you've gone and proved my point for me, laddie."
Blink was quiet for a moment, then took a deep breath and said, "You're a good girl, Janet."
She gave him a look at clearly said she thought he had lost his mind. "Hardly," she said with a scoff.
Blink felt his face go red and muttered, "You've a good heart, is all I mean."
"So are you going to tell me or not?" she asked, covering her mouth as she yawned.
Blink closed his eye and said, "It's so hard, sometimes. I just… I can't… I want things and I don't know how to say the words or even if I should…" he cursed and shoved his hands through his hair, wincing at they hit a tangle.
"Just tell her," Janet urged. "I know that there are reasons, things you think will keep you apart, but you never know. Maybe she feels the same way. Maybe those things you are worried about aren't obstacles at all. You'll never know unless you tell her how you feel."
Blink gave a humorless laugh and shook his head. "Tell her," he said to himself. "God, I forgot that you don't know."
Janet shifted so that she could look him in the eye, a calculating look on her face. "Ah, so that's the way of it. I thought as much."
Blink eyed her nervously. "Thought what?"
"You never came right out and said it, but there are hints, if you're looking for them," she said with a shrug. "So, which one is it? Out with it then. The short one? What looks like he's ready to spit in your face for all he's pretty as a painting? Or the Italian one, who keep Sally up half the night with his cards?"
"What? Race?" Blink laughed at the thought. "Does he really spend his nights gambling? What's the point? He can do that for free at home."
Janet waved a hand dismissively. "Not the Italian, then."
"And the pretty one?" Blink asked curiously. "Which one is he?"
She shrugged. "The one with the cane."
"Spot?" Blink laughed again, longer and louder than before. "He's short, I'll give you that, but I'd have never thought anyone would call him pretty."
Janet ran her tongue around her lips. "Oh, he's pretty alright. Ask any of the girls. But clearly he's not the one you're pining over." She tapped her finger against her chin, obviously thinking.
Blink sat up, pressing his back into the headboard and said, "The tall one, with curly brown hair. That's the one."
Janet glanced down but not quickly enough to hide the pity on her face. "That one," she said in an expressionless voice.
"That one," Blink agreed in a matching tone.
Janet cleared her throat. "He's very fond of the ladies, isn't he?" she said as tactfully as possible.
Blink nodded dejectedly. "Very."
"That's unfortunate," Janet said, placing a hand on his leg.
Blink looked down at her as she scooted over and rested her head in his lap. He reached down and idly started playing with her hair. It was the same shade as Mush's. Her eyes were the same color too. She looked as much like him as to be his sister. Which is why he had picked her in the first place.
He had seen her walking along the street and had been instantly struck with the similarities. He knew what she was, for all her clothes were so fine, and had made inquiries. The price had, at first, been far too steep. But he scrimped and saved and in the end he had been able to save up enough for a night.
It had been worth it.
He could hold her, touch her. He could run his hands down her body, staring into those eyes, and almost believe that she was someone else. When the moment came and he entered her, he could close his eyes and burry his face in her shoulder and find some sort of peace.
Janet frowned, her hand coming up to stroke his face. "There's a house down the way," she said hesitantly. "If it's buggery you're after."
Blink jerked back from her touch. "What I want is not for sell," he said hotly, cheeks flaming.
She nodded. "I thought as much."
Blink raised his eyebrows. "Thought what?" he asked, realizing a moment after he said it that they were repeating themselves.
She twisted her neck and kissed his bare stomach. "That it was love."
Blink closed his eye and pushed at her head, that empty feeling coming over him again. "It's not love," he said hoarsely.
"Saying it ain't won't change the facts," Janet said baldly.
Blink just looked at her, trying to keep his face blank. Was it love? Is that why it hurt so much? Is that why he would rather keep his feelings hidden? Is that why he was so afraid to tell and risk losing his friendship with Mush altogether? He pressed his lips together and tried to make sense of his thoughts.
"It's been two years," Janet said softly, "And you always close your eyes at the end." She moved so that she was sitting beside him and put a thin arm around his shoulders. "If it's been him all this time, if he's the one that you're picturing, then I've no doubt it's love. And neither should you. I'm not saying that it makes things any easier or that you should throw caution to the wind and confess your feelings for the boy. I'm just saying that it's love and there's no reason to be ashamed of it."
Blink rested his head against her shoulder. "When did you get so wise?" he joked.
"It comes with the territory," she said with a smile.
Blink went to kiss her cheek but she turned her head and her lips meet his. They kissed and he was surprised to find himself stirring in response. It's not Mush, he thought and was even more surprised that his body stayed ready.
"Sometimes you have to take comfort in whatever offers itself," Janet said, moving to sit on his lap. "I know it's not what you long for, but it's here and you might as well take what pleasure in it as you can."
Blink kissed her again, letting himself drown in those eyes so like his friend's and thought again that Janet was the only one who understood.