She looked at his sleeping figure as the reality of everything that was about to crash in around her finally took over her brain.
"Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly."
She had been in love with him since she was 16 years old, but love couldn't change the truth she was facing outside the door of what was once their home. She needed to get her boys out of Charming, even if that meant sacrificing herself, and what she would consider happiness, for their safety and upbringing.
"Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're flying through the free fall. Like the colors in autumn so bright just before they lose it all."
Four years ago she had the same nagging in the pit of her stomach as she did now when she saw that "Welcome to Charming" sign, this wouldn't end well no matter how much she wanted to believe she would get her fairy tale ending. She had tried to change her mind, but with her fathers death and St. Thomas relying on her to bring her neonatal expertise to their staff, she knew there was no backing out.
It was only a matter of time before they ran into each other, it just so happened his first born, which she now considered as her own flesh and blood, needed her exquisite hands in order to stay alive in this crazy world. One look at him was all it took. All the feelings came rushing back to her in one swift kick to the gut. She was just as much in love with him at that moment as she had been 10 years ago.
"Losing him was blue like I'd never known. Missing him was dark grey all along. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met…."
Leaving Charming at 18 was the first step into getting herself out if the life she eventually came all but running back to. But the entire time she was gone he consumed every thought, every movement she made. She knew he was the one man she would ever love like this and couldn't fathom living the rest of her life without him apart of it. She couldn't shake the sight of his piercing blue eyes welling with tears in her rearview mirror the day she left him in her wake.
"But loving him was red…."
The fire burning in her heart only grew the longer she stared at his creamy white flesh, marked permanently with his affection for his two sons and the club that had brought her to this point and marred with scars, a reminder of how much of a fighter he truly is. If her heart had its way she would crawl back into the bed next to him, make love to him and never break their connection, physically and emotionally.
"Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words of your favorite song."
He had been her hero, in the most twisted way he could, killing a federal agent for her and fully plunging her into the life she had once wanted desperately to remove herself from. It was almost sadistic how watching him protect her in the only way he knew, murder, thrust her into his arms and consummating their "relationship". But it was just as she remembered, like never forgetting how to ride a bike, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to her. The love they had slid so easily back into had brought about their second son, Thomas. One look into his blue eyes made every choice she had made since the day she came back here made it all worth it.
"Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer. Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong."
Sure, they had their fights and she wasn't scared of anything he threw at her. He had tried to get her out of this life, for her own good after Abels kidnapping, but she refused. She was his old lady, the crow on her back from 10 years ago made that perfectly clear. But none of that mattered now. The outlaw life had finally caught up with her and she was facing punishment for sacrificing her knowledge at the good of the club.
"Losing him was blue like I'd never known. Missing him was dark grey all along. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red."
She noticed him stir, the sheets rustling in the darkness of the room startle her from the slideshow of the past 4 years screaming through her thoughts. She knew what was about the play out would hurt him in the worst way possible. That was not part of her plan, but it came with the territory. She also knew he could never forgive her for it. She was now a product of the life and her only instinct now was to protect her boys, her own wellbeing didn't matter anymore.
"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I tell myself it's time now, got to let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head."
She knew their love story was not a Cinderella story, but to her the small amount of time they had made a life together was her Cinderella story. The fairy tale she had come back to achieve. She wished she could make this all go away, everything that was about to happen, but she knew it was inevitable. She made sure she was strong, numb to all of her surroundings, just pushing herself through the motions of everyday until she set her plan into motion. Even if she had known that coming back to him was potential suicide, she still would have done it.
"Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street."