I never quite understood why Sirius and I were so jealous of each other
until our sixth year at school.
The jealousy did not actually exist until our third year, and it was not exactly in the form one would expect between two teenage boys, either.
It is not that were caught up in each other's material possessions but more so, each other's company. Every time Sirius saw me studying and at sometimes even talking to any girl outside of Gryffindor he made as if I was betraying our "House's honor", or something to that effect.
Naturally, he could choose the company of any girl he thought adequate when he felt it necessary. I think, to Sirius, I just came off unduly curious about his "personal affairs".
Honestly though, I had never really began to question why I cared who he carried on with, and vice versa. We just were that way and it never became too big of an issue. Then again, it is true that topics such this one are not usually brought up in the conversations of boys.
I could care less who James was with, which was almost always Lily, or Peter for that matter.
As we all matured it became easier to manage the thought of intimacy with a member of the opposite sex, and at that, James excelled. It did take him six years though to prove to Lily that he was worth her time.
This "intimacy" was never an issue with me. Well, it was in that I could never get close enough to a girl to think about even anything such as "holding hands".
I had secrets. The same secrets that kept me from attempting to make friends at the beginning of school. How was I supposed to think about having a "girlfriend"? Besides, I was absorbed enough in my schoolwork and mischief making with my friends to keep myself content.
But one time, it just happened. I remember I was decoding Ancient Runes with a Ravenclaw girl in the library when suddenly things became awkward. She was looking at me. I was looking at her.
"Remus...have you ever...kissed anyone?"
What? Where did this come from? I didn't even pause to look around. I just stared.
"I don't think so."
Right, Remus, good answer.
Everything changed in an instant. She leaded forward and I didn't move. I just sat there. She kissed me. I believe I kissed her. I don't actually remember.
I do remember my heart stopping, and not from pleasant shock but fear. I didn't even bother to collect my things properly. I just stood up, grabbed everything I had, and walked away as fast as I could.
I did not stop until I arrived next to my bed where I promptly threw all of the disorganized contents I was carrying onto my bed. All I could do was stand, staring, panting.
That was not right. That didn't feel right at all. There was no feeling about that situation that gave me the impression that it was right. That meant I had to be wrong. I was wrong. When am I ever wrong?
Because I was caught up in all of my abrupt distress, I didn't notice that Sirius was lying on his four-poster bed, arms folded behind his head, and looking at me from the side.
"What just happened to you?"
I turned to him, startled.
"Oh, I didn't realize you were in here."
He sat up in bed and shook out his hair. He shook out his hair. Did I always notice these things about Sirius?
"Obviously."
Sirius stood up and made his way to the door in silence. Did he think I wasn't going to answer his question?
"She kissed me."
He froze for a moment, his back still to me. The fingers on his right hand moved as they would when one was tapping a table out of boredom or discontent, but I knew it meant neither. He was thinking.
Sirius turned around with an expression of mild surprise in his eyes, but I could tell it was for the wrong reason.
"It wasn't what you expected, was it?"
I felt sick. I couldn't breath. It couldn't have been that obvious. No. What was he playing at?
"I suppose...not."
His eyes looked at the floor and he sighed. He knew something I didn't know, or at least, he had known it longer.
Sirius turned again to leave. Before I could think, before I could reason, it just came out.
"You love me. And I love you."
He turned face me. I could see he was tense, not surprised, or angry, just tense. But I could not see what he was thinking about. I still couldn't breath.
Never before in my entire life did I ever feel the way I felt at that very moment. Everything I thought I knew came down around me. I was drowning in emotions. Confusion. Pain. Fear. Relief.
Sirius relaxed. He smiled. His smile was one I had never seen before. I could relax. I could return his smile.
Now I could finally understand our jealousy.
Now I loved it.
The jealousy did not actually exist until our third year, and it was not exactly in the form one would expect between two teenage boys, either.
It is not that were caught up in each other's material possessions but more so, each other's company. Every time Sirius saw me studying and at sometimes even talking to any girl outside of Gryffindor he made as if I was betraying our "House's honor", or something to that effect.
Naturally, he could choose the company of any girl he thought adequate when he felt it necessary. I think, to Sirius, I just came off unduly curious about his "personal affairs".
Honestly though, I had never really began to question why I cared who he carried on with, and vice versa. We just were that way and it never became too big of an issue. Then again, it is true that topics such this one are not usually brought up in the conversations of boys.
I could care less who James was with, which was almost always Lily, or Peter for that matter.
As we all matured it became easier to manage the thought of intimacy with a member of the opposite sex, and at that, James excelled. It did take him six years though to prove to Lily that he was worth her time.
This "intimacy" was never an issue with me. Well, it was in that I could never get close enough to a girl to think about even anything such as "holding hands".
I had secrets. The same secrets that kept me from attempting to make friends at the beginning of school. How was I supposed to think about having a "girlfriend"? Besides, I was absorbed enough in my schoolwork and mischief making with my friends to keep myself content.
But one time, it just happened. I remember I was decoding Ancient Runes with a Ravenclaw girl in the library when suddenly things became awkward. She was looking at me. I was looking at her.
"Remus...have you ever...kissed anyone?"
What? Where did this come from? I didn't even pause to look around. I just stared.
"I don't think so."
Right, Remus, good answer.
Everything changed in an instant. She leaded forward and I didn't move. I just sat there. She kissed me. I believe I kissed her. I don't actually remember.
I do remember my heart stopping, and not from pleasant shock but fear. I didn't even bother to collect my things properly. I just stood up, grabbed everything I had, and walked away as fast as I could.
I did not stop until I arrived next to my bed where I promptly threw all of the disorganized contents I was carrying onto my bed. All I could do was stand, staring, panting.
That was not right. That didn't feel right at all. There was no feeling about that situation that gave me the impression that it was right. That meant I had to be wrong. I was wrong. When am I ever wrong?
Because I was caught up in all of my abrupt distress, I didn't notice that Sirius was lying on his four-poster bed, arms folded behind his head, and looking at me from the side.
"What just happened to you?"
I turned to him, startled.
"Oh, I didn't realize you were in here."
He sat up in bed and shook out his hair. He shook out his hair. Did I always notice these things about Sirius?
"Obviously."
Sirius stood up and made his way to the door in silence. Did he think I wasn't going to answer his question?
"She kissed me."
He froze for a moment, his back still to me. The fingers on his right hand moved as they would when one was tapping a table out of boredom or discontent, but I knew it meant neither. He was thinking.
Sirius turned around with an expression of mild surprise in his eyes, but I could tell it was for the wrong reason.
"It wasn't what you expected, was it?"
I felt sick. I couldn't breath. It couldn't have been that obvious. No. What was he playing at?
"I suppose...not."
His eyes looked at the floor and he sighed. He knew something I didn't know, or at least, he had known it longer.
Sirius turned again to leave. Before I could think, before I could reason, it just came out.
"You love me. And I love you."
He turned face me. I could see he was tense, not surprised, or angry, just tense. But I could not see what he was thinking about. I still couldn't breath.
Never before in my entire life did I ever feel the way I felt at that very moment. Everything I thought I knew came down around me. I was drowning in emotions. Confusion. Pain. Fear. Relief.
Sirius relaxed. He smiled. His smile was one I had never seen before. I could relax. I could return his smile.
Now I could finally understand our jealousy.
Now I loved it.