She's crazy. You know that, right? One hundred percent horseapple crazy.
I don't mean it in the sense of somepony who's an unthinking risk-taker: "Did you see how much cider she drank last night? That mare is crazy!" No, she's not like that. Well, come to think of it she might also be like that. In fact, it'd be more acceptable if she indeed was like that. But that's not the definition I'm speaking of. Nor do I mean "crazy" as in eccentric, though I've prayed to Celestia night and day that "eccentric" would be a word that would easily apply to her. Sadly, that's not the case, nor has it been the case for quite some time now.
For as anypony who's spent any amount of time with her nowadays is well aware, there's eccentric... and then there's Pinkie Pie.
"Mrs. Cake?"
The young mare looked around for the proprietor of Sugarcube Corner before locating the bell on the counter and, with slight embarrassment, giving it a solid ring. She hated making visits like this. Why couldn't everything just be done by mail? You send them the paperwork, they send it back signed, there. Done. No problems, less travel, and besides, isn't the postal service reliable enough? Then again, she'd concede that it did feel a lot more impersonal without that supposedly vital face-to-face communication, and social interaction is paramount in these sort of business deals. Somehow.
"Be right with you, dearie!"
Mrs. Cake emerged from the back room with a tray of cinnamon buns as well as a warm smile for the mare across the counter from her. A bit tall, a bit thin, and a coat and mane to which the elder mare give a second glance due to their profound lack of color. Not that books should be judged by their cover, of course; it gave no indication toward the pony under the stunningly gray coat being herself so dull, though she had to admit the accounting ledger on her flank (which was itself in black and white) didn't help the cause.
"Sorry for that. Now, how can I help you?"
The young mare cleared her lungs slightly before she began. "Hello, Mrs. Cake. I represent Gravelcreek Farms, and I have some paperwork for you and your husband to sign before our business transactions can be finalized. As I imagine we've said before, we are quite proud to be the new flour supplier for Sugarcube Corner."
Pride nothing; she had never even heard of this place until she was told to come here. But making the place sound like a bigger deal than it has any right to be does wonders for establishing rapport, and a solid rapport gets the deal sealed that much quicker. With that in mind, a healthy dose of truth-embellishing is the only way to go.
"Well we're proud to get such quality flour! It really does make all the difference, you know. You wouldn't fill a pie with rotten apples, so why make the crust out of poor flour?"
"My thoughts exactly, Mrs. Cake. Now then, if my documents are correct, most of the issues have already been settled, so the main thing I need is-"
"Coconut! Of course! It's all so obvious now!"
The gray mare froze at the interruption from the back room. It wasn't. It couldn't. No, she was being ridiculous. It could, and it was. She hadn't heard that voice in years, but it was unmistakably her.
"Erm... sorry about that. Now, as I was saying, most of the issues have been settled, so mostly all I need is your signature on these-"
"Papayas! Absolutely! Those would make great scones!"
"Um, these... these documents here. Feel free to read them over; you should find that-"
"They're gonna be delicious! What do you think, Cup?" The gray mare's eyes went wide as Pinkie Pie entered from the back room. She was right; it was her. She knew her suspicions had to be true, that the voice she heard must have been Pinkie's, but somewhere deep inside her mind she was hoping that wasn't the case. She knew Pinkie lived in Ponyville, but with any amount of luck she'd be able to avoid the crazy mare.
And apparently, with any amount of unluck she'd walk right into her place of employment.
"Carrot doesn't think the coconut and papayas would work in a scone," Pinkie continued, "but personally I think you really can't go-"
Whatever Pinkie was going to say was eclipsed by a deafening gasp, one so forceful it likely sucked a significant percentage of the air out of the building as well as propelling Pinkie up to the ceiling. "It's... it's..." Pinkie slowly hovered back down only to get her leg tangled on a light fixture. She struggled for a few seconds before it gave out under her weight, causing both the fixture and Pinkie to crash to the floor. At least the latter was unharmed, as she immediately popped up from in front of the counter. One not versed with Pinkie Pie would wonder how she got over to other side so quickly. One well-versed with her would... well, still wonder how she got there so quickly, but at least it would make sense. Slightly.
"It is! Inky! Oh my gosh oh my gosh I haven't seen you in forever!"
"Pinkie, I-"
"Oh, look at you you've gotten so big! When'd you get so tall, huh? Looking a little bony, though. You eating right? Don't worry; ol' Pinkie Pie'll fix that!"
"Pinkie, lis-" she tried to say, but the words wouldn't come out as a fresh cinnamon roll was literally shoved into her mouth by the pink mare. Spitting it out would be more than rude, so she tried to chew quickly while Pinkie continued.
"Good, huh? Yeah, you sure aren't gonna starve here! So what's going on? Whatcha been up to? Oh, we have so much to catch up on and you're gonna get to meet all my friends and ooh! I can even throw a big party so you can get to know each and every-"
The gray mare swallowed the last of her pastry. "Pinkamena!"
Pinkie stopped mid-word, blinking twice while what seemed to be the sound of a record scratch could clearly be heard, despite a record player being nowhere in sight. "Yeah, sis?" A little trick nearly everypony in Ponyville likely wished they knew was that calling the party mare "Pinkamena" was the easiest way to shut her up, temporarily at least.
"Sis?" Mrs. Cake asked. "You mean this is-"
"Yep! Ooh, now I get to introduce you I'm so excited!" Pinkie said, demonstrating that the aforementioned temporary fix was exactly that. "Mrs. Cake, allow me to introduce to you none other than my little sister, Inky Pie!"
Inky sighed. She wasn't getting out of this. "Pleased to meet you. Now then, Pinkie, I-"
"So what do you want to do first, huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much to do in Ponyville you wouldn't even believe it! First thing though is you gotta stop at Sugarcube Corner. Oh wait, we're already at Sugarcube Corner! Wow, that was fast! You're speedier than I thought! So what are you gonna get; you want another cinnamon-"
"One is enough, thank you... no offense meant to the establishment, of course." Inky took in a deep breath before continuing. "Now then, as much as I... enjoy seeing you again, Pinkie, our meeting is simply coincidence. I am here strictly on business regarding Sugarcube Corner's supply contracts. Perhaps after this meeting has concluded we can talk more casually."
Pinkie put on what anypony who had ever met her would know was quite a rare sight: she frowned. Her eyes even seemed to leak out a bit of a tear. But a split second later, Pinkie's typical brand of ecstatic happiness was shunted right back into place. "Okay! We'll talk later, Inky!" With that, Pinkie bounced back into the kitchen, with Inky wondering where this new strange noise was coming from.
Boing... boing... boing...
If Inky didn't know better, she'd swear Pinkie had springs in her legs. She did know better, right? Of course she did, Inky thought, trying her best to reassure herself. There's certainly no way that... you know what? No more thinking about Pinkie for the moment. Back to the business at hand. "I apologize for that outburst, Mrs. Cake; however-"
"Oh, no need to apologize, hon," the elder mare said warmly. "Pinkie was the one who made the outburst, though I can't seem to blame her either. After all, if I had a sister that I hadn't seen in forever come into town unexpected like that, I'd be pretty darn excited too, don't you think?"
"Well... certainly, but in this case-"
"In fact, you should probably go out and spend some time with her! No need to focus so much on these papers, Ms. Pie." The name was spoken with a bit of a sly smile, and although it wasn't intended to embarrass Inky, that's certainly what it did. "You go along and I'll have all this sorted for you when you get back."
"I, um... those signatures have to be personally witnessed."
"Ah, I see. Well then, I better get to it so you can get this business out of your way!"
As Mrs. Cake quickly skimmed over the papers and scribbled the required signatures, Inky's mind was everywhere but that dotted line. Of course Pinkie had to be here; somehow, it just made sense. The exact kind of sense that Pinkie Pie would make. The kind that, to the average laypony, doesn't appear to make sense at all.
That was, to put it simply, how Pinkie functioned.
She's crazy. You know that, right? And from the looks of things, she's not getting any better. Pinkie is... blissful, for certain. But to take the old saying, and invert it, bliss is ignorance.
She shouldn't be like this all the time. She can't be like this all the time. It's too much. Eventually, even a so-called perpetual motion machine has to grind to a stop. I can only pray the friction won't be too much for her to bear.
"So Inky, is it later?" Pinkie Pie said, emerging back from within the kitchen. "Pretty sure it's later. Yep, look, five past later. So what do you wanna do, huh? You wanna go out? I think we should go out. Even a place full of such delicious sugary goodness as Sugarcube Corner can get stuffy from time to time. So let's go out, get some fresh air, and maybe then I can show you off to all my friends!"
"Show me off?" Inky was fairly sure Pinkie didn't mean it in such a possessive state; it was merely a poor choice of words. Still worth questioning, however.
"Show you off? Oh, well I don't mean it like that, of course, really I just mean it like how I wanna show all of Ponyville how proud I am of my little sister! I mean, look at you! All grown up and got a job doing... whatever it was you were doing back there."
"Business negotiations, for Gr-" Inky froze. She couldn't dare let Pinkie know of this association. She could only hope Pinkie wouldn't find out, but then again, she didn't seem like the type to bother looking into any of those sort of pressing details. Not anymore, anyway. In any case, saying something that could trigger... whatever Pinkie Pie was bound to do (Celestia only knows, and maybe not even) wasn't worth the risk. "For... for my job. Though that isn't what I usually do. Mostly it's more of the case of accounting work. Balancing books, things of that nature..."
"Ooh, you get to balance books! No way! I love doing that kind of stuff!"
"You do?" Now there was something Inky never expected to hear. Perhaps they really did have more in common than she thought.
"Oh yeah, I balance the books here at Sugarcube Corner all the time. It's great fun!"
"You don't say. I'm sorry; I didn't expect you to be so interested in numbers. What kind of methods do you use?"
"Methods? Oh, I don't know, I guess I just kind of put one of top of other until my neck starts to hurt. I don't really worry about the numbers. Personally, I think it's the size and weight of the books that matters more."
"Um... what?"
"Although I guess you do have a point. After all, it is more impressive to be all 'Hey, I balanced six books on my head!' than to be all 'Hey, I balanced one book that was a weight of six books!' Although that one book would be pretty darn heavy, so maybe that would be impressive in its own right. Also, how does one book weigh six books anyway? Doesn't a book weigh as much as a book? Or is there some sort of unit of book-measure out there? I don't know. Maybe I should ask Twilight sometime; I'm sure she has all kinds of units of book-measure she goes by to-"
"Pinkamena!"
"Yes? Oh. I'm just rambling on and on, aren't I? Well, if you've got something to say-"
"Balancing books is an accounting term. It has nothing to do with balancing them on one's head."
"Really? Oh. Well, you should really try the good kind of book-balancing sometime! It's a lot of fun! Unless one of the books slips and lands on your hoof. That's not very fun. That's painful. Though you can still look back on it and laugh, so maybe it really is fun! Plus it might not even be that painful depending on how many book-weights it was. I still need to learn that unit of measure. Hey! We could go ask Twilight right now! Plus you'll get to meet Twilight! It's win-win!"
"Who's Twilight?"
"Twilight Sparkle! She's one of my friends! She lives over at the library. Ooh, you know, she's really smart. Like a big ol' three eggs overeasy-head brainiac! I bet she knows all about accounting stuff, so you fillies would probably really get along!"
"Really?" The thought of that put a smile on Inky's face, though it was quickly dismissed by the thoughts of her duty. "I'd love to, but I really need to get back; these papers need to be filed and-"
"Can't you just mail them back? Then you'd have lots of free time, and you could spend it all with your big sis!"
"I... I was told to deliver this personally."
"Oh, what, don't you trust the postal service around here? Well, you don't have to worry about a thing! Ditzy Doo is the hardest-working mare in all of Ponyville. She works her hooves to the bone so hard that sometimes it seems like she's in five places at once! And because of her, we've never had a problem with the mail not running on time! So just take these dumb old papers, drop 'em in the mailbox, and get ready for a relaxing day with Pinkie Pie!"
"I'd... like nothing less." Which, of course, was to say that Inky would like no thing less. But she knew she wasn't getting out of this. Like an expert lasso-maker, Pinkie had roped her in, and she was never very good with knots. "Just let me write a few notes and then I'll get this mailed. Okay?"
"Okie dokie! Just don't get distracted by all those crazy numbers, alright?"
Inky sighed, sat down, and took out a blank sheet and a quill, staring at it for a few seconds before she began to write.
Papa,
On my business excursion to Ponyville, our variable of slight concern came true. I have found Pinkie. Or, more to the point, she found me. I certainly didn't go looking. However, she has coerced me into spending the day with her, and as I do not wish to disappoint her I am going to take advantage of her hospitality. Therefore, these documents have been delivered through the postal service, to which point I hope they find you briskly.
Since I know that due to these circumstances you will naturally have wonders and concerns, I shall provide them based on what I imagine your questions must be. Do not worry; Pinkie is well, at least for a specific definition of "well" that likely applies to her and only her. However, she is in good spirits. She is as cheerful as ever, as energetic as ever, and her coat is as blindingly bright as ever. She apparently has many friends, several of which I imagine I am likely to meet once this letter has concluded and my time with her begins in earnest. She is far from destitute, and in fact works at the very confectioner's store to which we are supplying flour. Hopefully this will not become an issue. I will certainly pray against it.
Naturally, I am also aware of the one other thing you would have asked of me, were you able to predict these circumstances. While it discomforts me to do so, I certainly understand your reasons and will abide by them. I can make no promises, and will back down once she becomes overly stubborn on the issue, to which I have no doubt she will, but I will try my hardest.
May Celestia guide me to bring my big sister home. May she have the will to forgive us.
Love,
Inky Pie
"Alright," Inky said, a lump forming in her throat which she desperately tried to clear. "I'm ready. Let's go."
"Whoo! Alright, so what are we going to do? Let's see, we already did Sugarcube Corner, which is first on the list, though it's probably also on the list two or three more times, but that won't be until later. Also, who cares about a dumb old list? Let's do what we want, when we want it, flying by the seat of our pants! Not that we're actually going to fly, of course; we're not pegasi or anything. Though I think I was a pegasus once. Maybe that was a dream. I'm not sure. Also, what the hay kind of pony goes around wearing pants all the time-"
"Pinkie? You were going to see your friend Twilight?"
"Oh, right! I totally forgot! See, it's a good thing I have you around to keep my head on straight. Though it would be kind of interesting to have it tilted at a 30-degree angle. Everything would look all slanty!"
Inky grumbled, a knot forming in her stomach as she knew she was going to have to ask the question at some point in the day, and much as it went against every fiber in her being to do it.
Inky still loved her sister, but that love came with a caveat: for Pinkie to, just as she herself would put it, be done with the farm. Forever.