A/N: WARNING: Do not read if you are not comfortable with self hatred.
A/N2: Hey, guys. I really appreciate all the reviews and follows I've received from you guys in my past fanfics. But right now, I'd like to politely ask you not to be too mean to me with this fic because it's really close to my heart. I've been dealing with lots of self doubt and have been trying to cope in various ways and this has been a form of liberation for me. So please, all I ask is for you to play nice in this fic only. Always appreciate all you have to say and give, xoxo.
As my Calliope talks about our thirty day separation, I can't breathe. First, because she's crying and it takes all in me not to jump and comfort her; second, she starts saying how much fun she was having on our break; third, she says she feels free.
Free?
She feels free?
How?
She tells me how she didn't feel so suffocated during our time apart.
I suffocated her?
I drowned her?
How was I not able to see that?
She wants to love herself and she wants me to love me.
She didn't love herself? How? She's practically the fucking perfect person on the planet.
How could she want me to love myself when all I can feel at this moment is all the self hatred eating at me alive?
How dare she?
She leaves.
The therapist gives me a shocking look. A look as if she can't believe this herself, but rather stay silent and wait for me to say something.
"Aren't you supposed to say something?", I tell her bitterly while biting the inside of my cheek so hard it draws blood.
"Arizona, don't take what Callie said personally. She was expressing how she felt. That is what you both came here for. You recognized the toxic communication skills you both were encountering and looked for help. There's nothing wrong with that, Arizona. Now you've both learned how to communicate and will hopefully use the tools I gave you to speak clearly with each other."
A few minutes pass by and all I can do is stare at where my leg was meant to be.
I hate it.
It despise it all.
I want it to stop.
"I came here to fix our marriage and since that effort is out the door, I guess I have nothing to here." I manage to say without losing my fight against all the emotions slamming through my body while getting up and heading towards the door.
"Arizona, just because Callie decided it was best to separate doesn't mean you have to stop your sessions." I heard our therapist say before I slam the door and run past the waiting area and head outside to take a breath.
As the cool Seattle air hits my face I hurry to the nearest trashcan and empty the contents of my stomach repeatedly. I don't remember it being so hard to breathe. Well, except if you count the plane crash and my internal bleeding; but at least I had Callie to go to. I had my Calliope; my anchor.
I'm gasping for air and trying to focus on my surroundings so I don't pass out. After a few minutes I finally feel my panic attack settle down for the moment.
I carry myself towards the car.
Of course she called a taxi.
I take a deep breath after I'm settled behind the wheel and buckled into my seat.
It still smells like her.
I grab on tightly to the steering wheel as I hold back the sob that is threatening to break my resolve. I set the gear into drive and make my way home.
I love her.
As I pull into our driveway , get out of the car, and make my way into the house, I run as fast as I can towards the bedroom we were meant to share. Once I arrive I grab my suitcase and put in as much of my clothes as I can.
"Arizona, what are you doing?", I hear her voice and it almost interrupts my packing.
"I'm getting my stuff," I answer as if it were the most obvious thing ever.
"Arizona, don't do that. Please, you wanted this house. You fought so hard for it even when I wasn't sure about it. It's your house. If anyone is leaving, it should be me.", Callie tries to reason with me.
"Neither of us should have been leaving." I say in a harsh tone, but I can't help it, I'm losing control and the only person who can fix it ,can't.
Won't.
"I fought for this house because I wanted to grow old in it with you. I wanted to fill each room with a child and- and have pets!" I ramble off, "But you don't want it, you don't want any of it. So you can keep it. Sell it. Burn it for all I care. I don't want what's left." I tell her while continuing to throw things into my bag.
I feel her approach me and I try to keep moving while I feel another panic attack coming after me. Upon seeing me slow down to try to catch my breath she runs right beside me and rubs her soft hands over my back.
"Try to breath, Arizona. Take a deep breath. In and out, follow me." she tells me while looking at me with her beautiful brown orbs.
The orbs she won't let me wake up to every morning anymore.
As I follow her - as I always have, I look into her eyes and try to search for answers, "Why, Callie?", I ask her feeling tears form in my eyes again.
"Arizona, I told you already. We're suffocating each other. It's not healthy. We're better off apart, you know that," she tells me while holding back her own tears.
"No, Callie. I suffocated you," I tell her and finally allow my tears to fall.
"Arizona…" she tries to interrupt me but I stop.
"No, Callie. It's true, I-I suffocate you. I suffocate you with my needs, with my anger, with my infidelity. I suffocated you!" I scream at her and she darts her vision towards my earrings because she secretly agrees with me, " I suffocate you with breaking my rule for newborns. I suffocate you with saying I love you first. I suffocate you with coming back from Africa for you. I suffocate you while accepting to raise the child you and Mark made while I was out there scratching my skin off for missing you. I suffocate you by asking you to marry me. I suffocate you by allowing Mark to come between us even after we were married. I suffocate you because I held on for four days just to see your face and Sofia's at least one more time. I suffocate you by pushing aside my recovery post- amputation so you could have your wife back. I suffocate you for trying to bring a child into the world only to miscarry by the third month. I suffocate you for wanting to be by your side while you were being sued even though we weren't talking. I suffocate you for trying to fix our marriage and going to counseling. I suffocate you with the truth of what I've been feeling for the past years. I SUFFOCATE YOU!", I yell at the top of my lungs and then slowly fall on the ground and feeling my body shake in sobs.
"Arizona, no. It was never like that! You know it! Don't you see? I was suffocating you. For years! It's not fair for either of us, can't you see?" Callie tries to reason with me.
"No, Callie. You're what keeps me breathing. You, aside from our child, is what keeps me breathing!" I choke out between sobs because reality is a too cruel place for me to handle at the moment, "I-I had a hard time, sure. But Calliope, I love you. I love you with all I have and I try to give you the world but it's never enough… Why isn't it ever enough? What else can I give you?" I cry out to her on my knees and look into her eyes begging for the answer so I can surrender it to her and have her back, "Please, tell me what you want. I'll get it. Whatever you need, just please don't leave me."
I wait for an answer as I hold my head in my hands with my elbows over my knees. I'm in my most vulnerable state and on my knees, pleading with her to not give up on me.
"Arizona, I'm sorry. I just can't.", and with that she leaves the house and leaves me alone on the ground, in what was once our bedroom, yelling out to the God Calliope believes in and wondering why he would hurt me so much.
"WHY? FUCK YOU, GOD. YOU'RE BULLSHIT!" I yell out to the supreme power and gather my things and run out the house and take the car.
I drive aimlessly for a while until I find myself parking near the park Callie and I used to hang out at sometimes when we had the time.
I grab my purse and walk towards out bench and look at the scenery.
It was beautiful.
I wonder how Seattle could continue being so beautiful while I'm falling to pieces because my wife is done with trying to repair our marriage.
As much as I want to run and find Callie and try to convince her that we're worth it, I stop myself. After all, she says she feels free when she doesn't have to deal with us. It's the last, most painful thing I could give her.
I wonder why the universe is so determined to shatter my nirvana time and time again.
I wonder why it had to take my brother, why it had to make Sofia be conceived by Callie and Mark while I was crying over the nostalgia of not having my girlfriend in my arms, why it had to give my best friend cancer and make my other best friend get fired so she could move and take a better job, I wonder why the universe took Tim, why did it make my fellowship so damn difficult, and I mostly wonder why it had to make me crash into a truck and risk the lives of my now simply Callie and my child.
Why did the universe hate me so much?
Wasn't it enough with the hatred I had for myself?
I cried for hours on our bench and I looked at all the pictures on my phone.
It was hard to believe how five years of being together were suddenly not enough anymore and just a futile part of what our relationship once was.
It's hard to breathe.
Everything is so difficult without Callie.
I don't want to live in this world without Callie.
I don't want to be here if I can't see her smile in her sleep.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm tired of existing in this universe that insists on shattering everything that is important to me.
I'm done.
I pull out the small scalpel from my purse and hold it close to my wrist.
I take a deep breath and look at the scenery in front of me through my pain filled watery eyes.
It was beautiful.
I make the first cut and expect it to hurt, but it doesn't. It feels liberating to have a say in what goes on in the universe. I feel free from having to endure catastrophe after catastrophe.
I continue to cut both my wrists in various angles. I see the blood seeping out and it makes me feel in control.
I feel myself get lightheaded and my vision start to blur.
I take on more look at the scenery.
Still beautiful.
The world goes on without me and it still looks beautiful.
I close my eyes and allow darkness take over my senses.
Fuck you, Universe.
Be free, Calliope.