A/N: Another quick little one shot. I get so much Mellitz inspiration when I listen to music. Wasn't planning on writing this, but the mood struck. Hope all enjoy please review.

He wonders if I ever loved him. I wonder if he ever loved me. Ours was a business merger that turned into a real relationship. We found common ground, friendship and love. At least I thought we did. I came from a well to do North Carolina family, that had old money and prestige. The Grant's were new money, trying to carve out a place in America's political history. Jerry Grant was friends with a lawyer that I clerked for and decided that I would make a good match for his son. Jerry set us up, I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but once I laid eyes on Fitz I didn't really care. He was tall, dark and handsome, cliché I know, but completely true.

We both knew that Jerry was trying to put us together for political and personal gain, but we ended up liking to be around each other. I never felt that Fitz was using me and I certainly wasn't using him for anything. I liked his company, he was a genuine,caring guy that I ended up falling madly in love with and I thought he felt the same. Our first few years were blissfully happy. I'd made partner, the first woman and youngest ever at the firm. Fitz was honorably discharged from the Navy and was starting to work toward his political career aspirations although he wasn't ready to throw his hat in just yet. We'd also started trying to have a baby. An endeavor I found most satisfying. I was no shrinking violet, but I'd never had any man that could satisfy me like Fitz. Our lovemaking was always electric and explosive. He was so thorough and really cared about my own pleasure. The way he looked at me made me feel so desirable and feminine.

Everything was amazing until that night. The night that changed my life forever and my marriage. I think of that time often , replay it in my head thinking if I'd just screamed a little louder or fought a little harder maybe things would not be as they are, but no amount of woulda, shoulda, coulda's is going to change what did happen and how my very existence was destroyed.

Now I've been cast aside for another woman. He hates me, humiliates me, makes me feel dumb for staying. I try to search his eyes for the man I thought loved me, but there is no love there. I wonder if I had imagined that he loved me and maybe it was always pretend. Maybe he wanted me for my clout the way Big Jerry did. Even through all the difficult times I still love him. My love was deep enough that even through the infidelity I can't stop loving him, I don't understand that if he ever loved me half as much as I thought he did, that he could stop, so easily and without a second thought.

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

He's sitting across from me at the dinner table. I was shocked when he came and sat down. I try to make conversation, but his terse one word answers clue me in that this was not a social call, but he just simply needed to eat and decided to sit down since I was already having dinner. I sigh and tamp down the rising emotions, the tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes. I'm suddenly not very hungry and I push the plate away from me. I stare at him from across the table.

"If you have something to say Mellie just say it." His voice is laced with contempt.

"Is it that good?" He takes a deep breath and drops his fork into his plate.

"Is what that good?" He knows what I'm talking about, but he's decided to be difficult.

"Olivia." He sighs and shakes his head.

"I'm not doing this with you. Why can't you just let me have a peaceful dinner?" He stands to leave the table, but I block his exit route.

"Why do you hate me Fitz? When all I've ever done was to fight for you. I love you Fitz. She couldn't possibly love you the way I do as much as I do." I know I sound desperate, but I don't care, he needs to know.

"Mellie move." He stares me deep in my eyes and I know that he is angry with me. I don't care.

"No not until you listen to me." He steps away from me and runs his fingers through his hair.

"I don't have time for your shit today. Move out of the damn way and stop acting so pathetic." I flinch at the venomous words, but I stay in front of the doorway.

"Why won't you hear me out?"

"What's there to hear Mellie? The same ol same ol about what you did for me and how you gave up your career for me. The bottom line is you used me. You wanted a political career and hitching your horse to my wagon assured you of that."

"You only see me and our marriage through the haze of Olivia Pope on your upper lip." I say through clenched teeth. "I didn't need you to have a political career. I could have gone off and done that all by myself. This isn't 1960 where a woman can't have a political career on her own merits. I came from the prestigious family, I came from old money, I came from blue bloods not you. I didn't need you for anything. I loved you Fitz. I saw your potential not only as a politician, but as a good person, a good husband and father. I had better suitors, more money, more clout, but I chose you because I loved you and I thought you loved me back. You couldn't give me anything that I couldn't give myself."

He stands stock still not speaking. I can tell that I have surprised him with my outburst.

"You turned me away." He says quietly.

"What?"

"You turned me away Mellie. After Jerry was born you turned me away and wouldn't let me touch you. Why?" I can tell from his tone that he's expecting me to evade the answer, but I can't do this anymore.

"I felt unworthy, unclean, like damaged goods." He laughs sardonically and shakes his head.

"Can you ever tell the truth?" I take a quick intake of breath, the accusation that I'm lying cutting me to the core.

"Why would I lie Fitz? I've already lost you. You won't even let me touch you anymore. You hate me. I'm not trying to get you to love me I just want the truth out there."

"Ok Mellie let's say I believe everything you are saying, explain to me why you felt this way." He shifts from one foot to the other, impatiently awaiting my reply. I look around the room, this is not the ideal place to talk about this, but the help is gone and the door is closed. He raises his eyebrow waiting. I take a deep breath and look him squarely in the eyes.

"Your father raped me." His eyes buck and nearly leave his face before he recovers and shakes his head.

"You are lying. You are so pathetic." I shake my head.

"The night after Cyrus came to speak with us about you running for governor you went up to bed early. I stayed downstairs and your father was drinking. He was upset that you weren't happy about all that he was doing to help you. He told me about Operation Remington." Another shocked expression graces his features. "He was drinking, and he….." My emotions start to wail into my throat and I lean against the door for support. "He grabbed my knee and told me how beautiful I was. I tried to get away from him." I can't contain the tears any longer and my voice is strangled with emotion. "I tried Fitz I fought him, but he was too strong."

I can't even look at him right now. Even after all these years I am so ashamed. I look down at the floor and am about to retreat from the room, when all of a sudden he is there. He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know." Is all I can manage to say as I cry into his chest. "I had a paternity test. Jerry is your son." He pulls away from me and looks me in the eyes.

"That doesn't matter Mellie. I can't believe you've been carrying this around for all these years. You could have come to me."

"That night you told me you would make a good governor and I knew that you truly wanted it, I decided to put aside what happened to me to try to give you what you wanted."

"Mellie…. you shouldn't have scarified yourself for me."

"I didn't Fitz. It had already happened. There was nothing I could do to undo that, but I could make it where one of us would be happy. I knew that I'd never be whole again, but you could have everything you ever desired." I extricate myself from his grasp and wal toward the table.

"Where does this lead us?" Fitz asks.

"Nowhere you don't love me anymore and I am partly to blame for that. I didn't tell you this to make you stay. I just wanted you to know that I never used you, that I was with you because I loved you, but I know that after your presidency is over that we are as well."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too Fitz, me too." I take a deep breath. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I never realized until now how heavy that burden was and while we will never be able to heal from this and the marriage is over I do feel better knowing that he knows what really happened to me. It had always bothered me that he thought I didn't love him and once Olivia came into the picture I was too scared to be vulnerable to him. To tell him how very much I loved him, afraid that he would use it against me, to hurt me. I knew that no one could ever want him the way I wanted him, the way I still want him. I long for him, his touch for him to look at me like he used to, but those days are over. Now that he knows the truth maybe we can stop fighting and live in some semblance of peace.

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Don't say don't touch you I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore anymore
I don't touch you anymore

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me