Your muted screams, are forever trapped in your weary lungs; they hover over your chest torturing your heart, as it fights on to keep your consciousness alive and well. It was always your fault when things went wrong because they couldn't find another reason so. You understood because there was no other option. You kept the underlining scars of torture on your skin as you drowned in your thoughts of misery. You couldn't find another escape, but the one you so hoped courage for. Your messed up life is laid completely bare in front of your eyes and you wonder when it all went oh, so wrong. But just as you find the courage you'd been hoping for, a mysterious individual finds a way into your concealed lifestyle, and you find something to stay for. She was supposed to be a 'he', because it went against all your - or your mother's - beliefs. You were so close to the edge, no, you were hanging off the edge, and with the newfound courage, you could have let go, but you found her, or she found you and swung a rope down the edge. She pulled you up, from the end and gave you the beginning. It was impossible not to love. Your face was painted with pain every time a tragedy struck, but you learnt. You learnt to hide, because you had to shield her mind from pollution, you had to keep her innocent mind in frame. She was perfection in human form, and you thanked the gods that sent her down your way. Her pretty face sent you in a daze of hope that was too good to last. Your feeble mind, soon realized it's not all as easy as you had originally planned. A million hurdles were yet to be overcome, and you were all up for it, but just as she jumped over the first hurdle, you realize, that she does not deserve a life of hurdles. You realize you had no right, to drag her down to the depths of hell with you, no matter how much you hurt. You owe her that much, to save her from the pain yet to come, and you duck out. It was for the best, to make her think you did not love her, when she was the only thing you've ever loved. When she is the reason your heart is still beating. You owed her that much to keep her safe, to keep her away from you. But your distraction of her being was too much, and you lost all the courage you had once found. The distraction of her presence distracted you, from the aim that was your life. So, you ran and you panicked, you got lost in the world of fools, and in your mind a million tweaks were made. You had a change of mind, and you hid from the outside world, from the harsh smell that is fresh air. You turned into an animal, hypothetically, and yearned for two things only, love (her), and death. You lived a life of bitterness and hatred, you hated yourself for hurting the only thing you've ever cared for and you couldn't do anything to heal her because you ran, like the coward you were – are. This life, which was given to you, was never ending, you wished every night, not to wake up in the morning but no matter how much you pleaded with the Gods, they did not grant your wish. You were never religious, all the talks of Gods never really fit into your version of the whole world, and because of that you felt like an outsider. Your eyes were empty and reflected your soul and life. You were lonely and you knew it was because a million theories bore into your mind, and those million theories were correct. You knew too much and the Gods were frightened of you, they agreed that you should be silenced. You knew there were other people like you, but they were more easily balanced. Sure, you had your human strength, but you didn't have the supernatural strength that you needed to balance your brain from the theories and from your suicidal thoughts. You weren't strong enough; essentially, you were a potion that went wrong, that the Gods, themselves, made. They made others like you, but they weren't as intelligent as you, and you weren't as strong as them. And then you realize, they sent you down the strongest girl that could balance your brain out. She was pure strength, and because of that she wasn't as smart as you. Ultimately you were the perfect couple. They knew you would run, they understood that you would fall in love and they intended on taking you down as slowly and as painfully as they could. They made their most dangerous enemy, and you knew how to stop them, but you didn't do anything, because you knew better than to fight Gods, you knew better because you were intelligent. You were intent on dying and you could sense it was close. You weren't frightened of death, because you knew exactly what happens after life. You knew everything and it frightened the Gods. You were the most dangerous weapon on earth, to yourself and to everyone else. You were smart, and you were mad, you accepted that. You've always known you were going to be fucked up, ever since you were little, you were always that little demented kid, that drew human beings killing and eating each other, because it's what you saw in your dreams, and you realise that it will happen sometime in the future. The human species are not strong enough to live in a civilised manner forever, you knew too much and it frightened the Gods.
And now, as you suddenly appear in the middle of a forest, you know its close. You could almost taste its presence. Their process of silencing you is coming to its final stages, and you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. You were happy, for the wrong reason. But that's you, isn't it? Different. Misunderstood. Mad. Out of the corner of your eyes, you see it, the weapon that was going to take you down. You weren't frightened, of course not; this is the moment you've been waiting your whole life for! They did not send you a frightening animal to eat you alive, they did not intend on frightening you anymore. They wanted you out, and they knew the best way for that is for you to take care of it yourself. So they sent you a gun. One shot, and all of this would disappear, one shot and you'd be happy. But as pleasing as that sounded, you still didn't have any courage. So instead of finishing the job, you stood there, staring at the offensive weapon on the floor. Just staring, waiting for the Gods to realise that they had not granted you courage. And in just a few moments, you knew that you would gain your much anticipated courage, and you mentally told them to hurry up. You hear something behind you, an animal maybe. You aren't scared because you knew the Gods; they would not send you anything that would frighten you. Something to break your heart maybe, but not frighten, not when it's so close to the end. So you turn around, and you knew what you would find, your item of courage. Just before your eyes can focus on the being that stood there, you feel a warm tingly feeling in your body - love and courage. Everything you've ever wanted. It was her; it had been her all along! She was your item of courage and she was your only reason to stay for. The Gods were cruel; they gave you everything you've wanted in the form of one thing, so really you did not get anything you asked for. Now you are faced with an option, to stay or to go. But before you could even think, you rushed out of her gaze and you bent down to take the offensive weapon into your hands. You knew, if you did it fast, you would not have to think, and you would not have to suffer anymore. You held it up to your head and closed your eyes as your tears started to fall.
"I'm sorry." You said. "I love you, always."
And then you heard her scream, just as you pulled the trigger. And then silence won over and you were past praying for.
It was fast; you died instantly so you did not witness any pain. Maybe, that was the Gods way of apologising. Though, even if you had witnessed pain, you knew it would not have hurt as much as your thoughts did to you. You were a soul now, you could do anything, you could go anywhere and you did not feel any of the heavy thoughts in your head. You left that behind with your, now ice cold body. But you could feel something, warms arms, engulfing you, and something warm on your cheek. So you look at the scene before your eyes and you see the blundering mess that she is as she held you in her arms, cradling you, and kissing you. And then she let you go, and you, or your soul, hovered over her, you wanted to touch her, you wanted to feel her. For a last wish, you whispered to the Gods, to take care of her, you told the Gods to make her as happy as they could.
And then behind your eyelids, you see letters, words; they start to engrave themselves behind your lids. And as they stopped blinking and arranging themselves, you saw the familiar letters form words like 'Sorry' and 'Okay.'
She snatched the gun from your lifeless hands and she held it over her head. Realizing, you still had a voice, a voice that can't be heard in the living world, you scream. You scream at the Gods begging them to numb her body so she would not feel any pain. You knew that the Gods gave her courage, just as they had done to you, because this is what she wanted. This is her, finding happiness. You watch the horrifying scene as she fell limp on the floor. You watched her take her last breath and you watched your bodies disappear in the thick air. You know it was the Gods work.
"Hello." She said as she suddenly appeared in front of your eyes, in reaching distance. You reach your arms out to her, to see if you could touch her. To see if you were just souls, that are forbidden to touch, but you were surprised to feel her face, warm face in fact, against your palm. Without anymore hesitations you leaned in and pressed your waiting lips against her trembling lips. Just as you pulled back, you couldn't help but smile. "What now?" She whispered.
"We have forever and three quarters to spend the rest of this unliving life with each other, so I wouldn't worry too much about it." You laugh. You were happy for once, and for the right reason.
The title (Past Praying For) is a song by my favourite band, VersaEmerge check it out. The song, I guess, kind of fits in with the story, so yeah. Also, Whisperer (VersaEmerge) fits in with this fic too.
I wanted this story to be a bit more poetic. I think I started off okay, but the ending lost its poetic style. I would love to hear some feedback. Check out my blog kusterbeckk. tumblr .com :-)