+J.M.J.+
Penny Wise and Pound Foolish
By "Matrix Refugee"
Author's Note:
My mother and I got a huge chuckle over the part in "Something Fishy", during the money shower, when Declan is on the phone while Miranda gets clobbered by that nice lil' old lady, but we were deeply disappointed when we didn't see the outcome. Well…this is what fan fictions are for!
Disclaimer:
I do not own Mysterious Ways, its characters, concepts or other indicia, which are the property of Peter O'Fallon, CBS, Lion's Gate Television, et al. Also, I really don't despise older folks/senior citizens; I just detest it when some of them walk all over my generation and use their seniority to get away with it.
While the money still drifted down, Declan went to use the town's one pay phone to check in with Peggy; Miranda had come from the no-name café and was just stepping down form the porch to the ground when she stumbled on something. She looked down: a wet one-dollar bill had stuck to the sole of her boot. She carefully peeled the bill off.
A short old lady in a blue windbreaker and baggy tan slacks trundled towards her around the corner clutching an armload of bills. "Hey, young missy! Young missy! That's MY money! MY money, y'hear!" the old woman squawked. She shuffled up to Miranda and snatched at the bill.
"I wasn't trying to—" Miranda started. The old lady grabbed the bill and pulled on it so hard the sodden paper tore in half.
"Now see what you made me do! If you hadn't grabbed it, it wouldn't a' torn!" the woman scolded, snatching at the other half that remained in Miranda's hand.
"Ma'am, I wasn't taking it, I was just trying to—"
"You young people don't know the least thing about decency. You should know better than to take things that don't belong to you! Didn't your parents teach you?!" The old woman shed several bills as she flailed at Miranda.
"You're terribly mistaken; I wasn't trying to rob you—" Miranda flanked toward the phone booth; Declan had his back to her.
"Just because you're young, you think you own the world!" the woman snapped, shedding more money as she tore the rest of the torn bill from Miranda's hand. Relieved to be freed of the little stick-tight—human and otherwise—Miranda started to cross the street, heading for the phone booth more bills congealed on her boots. She reached down to brush them off.
Something squalled behind her. Miranda looked over her shoulder just in time to se the old lady pounce on her. "I told you not to touch my money!" the harpy shrieked, clawing at Miranda's coat.
"Ma'am, I'm just trying to get the money off my boots; I'm going to take it," Miranda said, spreading her hands to show she hadn't kept any for herself.
"You're hiding it in that long coat you got on," the old lady sneered. Dropping more of her loot, the attack granny grabbed at Miranda's coat and stuffed her gnarled little paws deep into the pockets.
"Please get your hands out of my pockets!" Miranda said, trying to peel the old lady off.
But the pest persisted. "Can't trust you young folk. What else you have under that black coat? Guns maybe?"
"Let me go!" Miranda cried.
She tried some of the self-defense techniques she had learned, trying to push her off with her foot. But it was hard on the slippery ground. And she didn't want to knock the old lady down, either; last thing she needed to do was break the old bat's hip. Especially an old bat with a money fetish.
Miranda looked toward the phone booth. Declan was still talking, his back still toward her. The old lady grabbed her by the hair and tried to pull her to the ground. Oh, Declan!!
"You got no right comin' into our town dressed all in black like that. You a witch or something?" the old lady growled.
"Go pick on someone your own size and age!" Miranda cried.
Who wears PINK too, she added to herself.
Just as Declan got off the phone and hung up the receiver, a small flurry of bills blew down the street. The old lady spotted it and let go of Miranda. She scuttled away after the money and vanished around a shed.
Miranda scraped her matted hair out of her face and tried to get it back to a reasonable shape with her fingers. Declan walked up to her, his face going puzzled.
"Hey, Miranda, what happened to you? Did you trip?"
"I only wish I had: this old lady lit into me about the money. I had a bill stuck to my foot and she started grabbing at me when I took it off. She started accusing me of stealing from her!"
Declan rolled his eyes. "Nobody can really call it theirs yet, and people are already at each other's throats over it! Talk about the root of all evils!"
They walked back to the mayor's house, where Declan had parked his truck. Miranda walked carefully, keeping one eye on the ground for any errant wet bills, the other looking out for the mad money lady.
No wonder some people opt for euthanasia for the elderly, she thought, rolling her eyes.