It Feels Wrong: Emmerdale Untold

Thanks to my friend Sharon, for giving me the idea for this short story

-O-

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

-O-

2nd March, 2011

Aaron had accepted Flynn's invitation to go back to his place. They had a good time drinking and playing pool, but Aaron knew that Flynn wanted more; to take another step in their relationship. Aaron also knew, deep down, that he was not ready to step up a gear with Flynn. Jackson was there on his mind, all the time.

Flynn's folks were not at home and he invited Aaron upstairs. Aaron recognised the significance of this invitation and found himself agreeing without really thinking it through. Aaron looked around the room nervously. He asked himself how he had come to this, standing in Flynn's bedroom; staring at the bed, the very bed that Flynn slept in every night. He looked at the floor. What was he doing here?

Flynn, sensing Aaron's discomfort, sat down on his bed and looked straight at the object of his desire. "Well, I've got you here! Now I just need you to meet me half way!"

Aaron lifted his eyes from the floor to look at Flynn, "What?" he mumbled.

"Look, if you don't want this, why did you agree to come upstairs with me?" Flynn could not hide the disappointment he felt at that moment.

"Sorry!" Aaron fidgeted nervously and swallowed hard, "I do like ya; it's just..."

"Someone else is on your mind?"

"Yeah; someone else."

"Jackson!" Flynn almost spat out the name, "You're not over him. Great, I come second-best to the guy in the wheelchair!" Flynn suddenly checked himself, "Sorry, that came out wrong; I don't mean to sound insensitive."

"No, it's OK," Aaron reassured him, "You're pissed off with me; I get that. You must really hate me right now!"

"I don't hate you! Yeah, I'm pissed off alright; I really thought that we were going to get together at last. I should have known it was too good to be true! Trust me to find someone who is loyal to his partner! Why couldn't I find a bloke who would just jump into bed without any hang-ups!"

"Well, I'm not like that! Anyway, I don't think you'd be happy with someone who would do that anyway."

"You're probably right," Flynn looked pensive, "I do admire you, being true to Jackson; it's a good quality about you."

"I'm sorry, mate," Aaron genuinely felt bad for Flynn, "But it feels wrong being here. Jackson keeps pushing me away, forcing me to see other people, but I don't want to; not really."

"Have you told him that?"

"Yeah, sort of! But he won't listen; he thinks I can't cope with him the way he is now. But, it doesn't make any difference to me; he's still Jackson. I don't see his chair, I see him."

"The man you love?" Flynn hoped that he had not overstepped the mark.

"I don't know. Yeah, I've never been able to say it before; not even to him. But, yeah, I love him."

"He is one lucky sod!" Flynn wished he could retract those five little words as soon as he had said them, especially when he saw the look of anger on Aaron's face.

"Lucky?" Aaron fumed, "Have you seen his life!"

"Sorry!" Flynn was mortified, "I didn't mean that! I meant he is lucky to have you as a boyfriend."

"I wouldn't say that! If he hadn't met me, he wouldn't be in this situation now!"

"You don't know that, Aaron. It's not your fault!"

"You're beginning to sound like Paddy!"

Flynn jumped up from the bed and headed out of the doorway, "Come back downstairs," he said.

Aaron and Flynn sat in silence for a while, drinking coffee in the kitchen.

"So, you gonna tell Jackson how you feel?" Flynn looked sad.

Aaron gulped his coffee and stared at Flynn; if only he could have met him before Jackson, he and Flynn might have stood a chance and he would not have to hurt him like he was doing now. "I think I'll have to tell him," Aaron said thoughtfully, "If only I'd said it before, he wouldn't have been hurt; and neither would you for that matter."

"If Jackson hadn't pushed you away, I wouldn't have met you. I suppose I should be grateful to him for that!"

Aaron studied Flynn carefully, almost believing that he was winding him up; but he looked too serious to be joking.

"You're a really nice guy, Flynn! I just wish I could have feelings for you; like I do for Jackson. But I don't!"

"It's OK!" Flynn tried to cover up the pain he was feeling; Aaron's words had cut him like a knife, "Another time, another place, eh?"

Aaron stood up to leave and Flynn accompanied him to the door. Flynn was torn; on the one hand, he wanted to go down on bended knee and plead with Aaron to stay, but he did not want to appear desperate or needy. On the other hand, he wanted to take Jackson's place in Aaron's affections; but he knew that it was a lost cause. Aaron put out his hand to shake Flynn's, but Flynn pulled him into a hug.

"Go back to your Jackson," Flynn whispered in Aaron's ear, "I can never compete with what you two have. I envy you!"

Aaron pulled away and looked at Flynn one last time. "Sorry!" he said, before leaving Flynn; who would do his crying alone.

xxxxxxxxxx

As Aaron sat on the bus home, the events of the day kept rolling around in his head like marbles being rattled about in a tin. He hated himself for hurting Flynn; and he also hated himself for not admitting the truth to himself before. He loved Jackson; he had always loved Jackson; he needed to lay his cards on the table. But, he was afraid of the reaction that he would get from his boyfriend. Jackson had thought all along that Aaron did not really love him; an unrequited love that had caused him to drive off in his van that fateful night. Aaron rehearsed his lines time and time again on the journey; he knew exactly what he wanted to say to Jackson, but he also knew that it might be too late to convince his boyfriend of his true feelings. He agonised over it; nothing had ever been this important to him before. What if Jackson still tried to push him away? What if Jackson did not believe him? His thoughts raced; he was slowly driving himself insane!

Arriving back in Emmerdale, Aaron went straight round to see Jackson at Dale Head; he had to tell his boyfriend how he felt or he would burst. Jackson eyed him suspiciously as he poured his heart out and finally uttered the words that his lover had waited so long to hear, "I love you, Jackson."

Jackson was stunned. His silence worried Aaron; did his boyfriend not believe the truth? He could not blame him for being sceptical, but he desperately wanted him to know that he was sincere.

They talked for a long time; each unsure of the other. They both wished that Aaron had said those three little words months beforehand; before the accident and all the pain and suffering that they had endured since it happened. But, at least one thing was now certain; Aaron loved Jackson as much as Jackson loved Aaron. The young mechanic would find that his boyfriend would never try to push him away ever again.