The Art of Diplomacy

by TeaAndUmbrellas

Germany summons a meeting to discuss cultural understanding between some particular countries. This includes understanding the UK, and explaining why sometimes communication can be difficult. Maybe improvement is too much to hope for? UKs, France, America, Russia, China, Japan and Germany.

Hi guys. I was supposed to post this a few days ago, but things.

Happy belated Entente Cordiale anniversary! Thanks to my French friend who reminded me, and thanks to my other French friend who keeps the, erm, friendly banter going between our two nations xD

Also happy We're Now Friends With Ireland Hurray! Week. Love you guys!

I trust you all know the difference between tu and vous (informal and formal "you" in French respectively). You need that knowledge for about five seconds in the beginning of this :D Also, speaking fluent Welsh and nah.. I've translated a bit at the end, but most stuffs is obvious in the context don't freak.

This turned into like a fanfic of cultural understanding. I have done my research, I'm not an idiot, but please, if you disagree (this can be about England too, we're 53 million people and I'm sure I haven't covered us all:P).

Hetalia est n'est pas la mienne.

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'Bonjour mon petit lapin! Comment ça va? Tu sais, j'ai appris à dire "Je t'aime" dans la langue de tout ceux qui sont ici!'

'Ne me tutoies pas. Nous ne sommes pas les amis. Et je ne suis pas un lapin, for the last bloody time!' England snapped back.

'Tu es grumpy today Angleterre', France remarked, with a raised eyebrow.

'God, what did I just say? Don't address me friendly in French. In fact, don't address me in French at all, if you don't mind'.

'Ah! Tu es angry because of le rugby' the Frenchman guessed, with a crooked grin. France had lost to Ireland, meaning Ireland won the Six Nations, instead of England. Arthur had accused France on losing on purpose.

'No. Actually, but thanks for reminding me, git. I am angry because I am yet again locked up with a bunch of morons because our bosses want us to "bond" and "understand" each other. I am tired, I want a sodding cup of tea and a quiet day to look after my garden or read a book', England complained.

'I know what you mean. I wanted us to have a romantic dinner today. I even picked a wine and planned the meal. It is the date pour l'Entente Cordiale!'

England looked up from his misery. 'You're right, sorry I forgot. So it is actually. I'm sorry France, I didn't actually mean to take my frustration out on you. This is just so silly!' he sighed heavily again, but was much more friendly.

'If you want to we can go for a pint, or maybe have some supper after the meeting. Brussels is closer to your place anyway', England said. They still had issues with each other, but they often tried to be civil on the 8th of April each year. Sometimes that backfired horribly of course.

'I know you just want to eat my cooking, mon chér', France teased, but he secretly liked to cook for England. Who would complain loudly about France eating snails, brains, frogs and otters (though, he might have invented that last one), but secretly loved his food.

'Piss off, I'm trying to be nice' England laughed, surprised that it was France who had managed to cheer him up. Maybe he'd survive this meeting? Maybe…

'Hi, England!'

'Aw'right France?'

'Hello'

A man the spitting image of England, though with light brown hair and blues eyes, had just walked up to them, followed by two redheads. Northern Ireland was your stereotypical Irish ginger, while Scotland had a darker red colour, and was really tall. Both had darker green eyes.

'Ah, tous les Royaume Uni! How are you l'Écosse?' France asked his old ally as he walked over and kissed his cheeks. Scotland didn't seem to mind. 'Good ta see ye again, France. We should get pissed sometime soon', the redhead said.

'Prynhawn da, Cymru. Sut ydych chi?' England asked Wales politely in his own language. Sure, England didn't speak much Welsh, but he knew how to greet.

'Very well thank you', Wales smiled at his brother as they exchanged a light handshake.

'Oi! Dinna I get a greeting in Gaelic? So rude wee brother!' Scotland exclaimed as he changed his attention from France to England.

'Gad lonydd i fi!' was England's response, telling Scotland to leave him alone in Welsh. Wales smiled a bit amused.

'Ach, pish aff. Come back and tell me tha' in me own language', Scotland frowned at England.

'Always nice to see you too', England said sarcastically.

'Donnae be like that. I'm just messing with ye wee brar,' he said and tried to ruffle England's hair, but the shorter blonde stepped back. 'We'll have none of that thank you', he muttered, as he turned his attention to the last UK brother.

'How do you do, North Ireland?' he asked stretching out his hand.

'Hi, England. You really should stop being so formal you know', said the ginger country as he used the handshake to pull his brother in for a quick hug. 'I am glad Ireland and you are trying to make friends again', he smiled.

Poor Northern Ireland was torn between two countries with a lot of negative history. It was difficult for him to reconcile his British and Irish identity, but despite everything the country was mostly cheerful and friendly.

Britain and Ireland had been making actual progress recently. Hopefully things could get better on the British isles.

'Why does he get a hug, while I only get mean words?' Scotland pouted.

'Maybe if you weren't so keen on ignoring me for the benefit of France I'd greet you too', England said annoyed, as he crossed his arms defensively.

Scotland just made a little amused grunt at his brother's ever stuck-up stubbornness.

Then, America, China, Russia, Japan and Germany suddenly joined the UK and France in the conference room.

'Hi Britain dude!' America grinned as he saw England, and then froze when he noticed the other UK countries. 'Dude! There are more of you! Ha, Britain, you're like really small!' Alfred said as he noticed how tall Scotland was.

'America, I'm trying to tell you I'm England, but represent Britain and Northern Ireland...' England tried to say, but America was far too busy saying hello to his brothers.

'Maybe you should come to the world meetings more often', he muttered to Wales as America kept mixing them up. 'We've met him a few times before, but he keeps forgetting. It's what makes him him I guess' Wales smiled fondly. Having been with England since the 13th century, he had seen America grow up too.

They all sat down around the table, England, by some evil plot of sorts, ending up between Russia and Scotland. This was just not his lucky day was it? He didn't even know his brothers had been invited.

He had to dig deep to find his usual English poker face as Russia beamed down at him from one side, with those dangerous eyes, while Scotland smirked and was softly kicking England's foot in order to annoy him on the other. Both countries had an aura of cold and vastness, in sharp contrast to the mildness of England.

He had to admit he was unconsciously leaning towards Scotland, despite the Scot being annoying on purpose.

'Let us start the meeting!' Germany said in his authoritative voice, which wasn't actually loud but had an amazing effect on the room. The countries present made up the UN Security Council, with Germany and Japan tagging along.

'We are many countries in the world and some of us', Germany stopped and cleared his throat meaningfully, 'some of us do not know much about the differences between how countries behave and think. Therefore our bosses have told us to talk about business and etiquette, so that we will understand each other more. Any questions?'

'Aye. When can we go home?' Scotland asked.

'Scotland!' England whispered in a protesting voice next to his brother, 'behave yourself!'

'Are ye goin tae make me?' Scotland asked, starting a quiet argument.

'If you force me to yes. This is why I represent the UK at meetings!' England hissed back.

'Is it now? I thought it was because you were a pompous, imperial tosser who happened to have more money than me 300 years ago'

'I beg your pardon! You were the one who came begging for help as you were completely broke!'

Germany cleared his throat loudly and the Brits stopped squabbling, he even answered Scotland's question. 'We'll go home once we are finished. Anyone else? No? Then let us begin. We have had many incidents over the years where we simply don't understand each other's behaviour in meetings. This is particularly bad between the permanent five in the Security Council. Therefore we will spend today learning about each other!'

'Why does Britain get to be four people?' America asked, still confused.

'Because our wee brother isnae the only country in the UK you insensitive yank...' Scotland spoke up again, earning himself a kick from England.

'That is one of the things we will, again, address', Germany interrupted Scotland before he could go on.

'Generally, if we stick to being punctual, keep appointments and deadlines, and greet each other with a handshake, we should be off on a very good start between the countries present', the German told them.

'This, however, leads us to the issue of touching, Japan if you please' he continued, passing on the ball to Kiku, situated right next to him.

'I know that the people here know each other well after all these years. That, in some ways, actually makes it even more complicated desu', he began.

'I know that England-san and I, in particular, are uncomfortable with touches and people standing too close. Therefore I would ask you if everyone here could honor our wishes, onegaishimasu'.

England muttered 'hear hear' and sent a glare at France, who waved back.

'Some of us think it is polite to stare straight in the eyes while talking. I think you, America-san, believe this brings honest right?'

America looked up, always glad to talk. 'Hm… I guess I do yeah. Like, how can you do a deal with someone who can't look you in the eyes, right?'

'You have to understand that not everyone sees it this way, America-san. Again, England-san and my cultures have different rules for it. We would rather not have prolonged eye contact. Don't be offended or think we are lying to you. We just follow different social rules', Japan said, and did not look straight at the American at all Alfred noticed.

He looked at Japan with big eyes. 'But how can you not look people in the eye when they talk to you and stuff?'

'Starring can often be a sign of aggression or challenge, and can be considered very disrespectful' Japan tried to explain, while America nodded enthusiastically, munching on some popcorn.

'Japanese meetings are very formal. But we like to get to know people we do business with. We will establish trust and small talk with people. I know that is not the same in America' he told Alfred who was still very interested.

'No way! You need to know people you do business with? So like, if one of my guys called on of your guys for a deal and they never met, that would not be OK?'

'We base business on trust. We don't bring lawyers or long legal documents either' Japan explained.

'So, it's easy to sue people in Japan then?!' America asked amazed. 'Dude, how can you not bring your lawyer? People will totally screw with you!' he exclaimed.

China butted in, impatient, 'he just told you he builds his deals on trust, and you just said you'd sue him. Do you think Japan will like to work with you now?'

America just blinked at China. 'But… how can he be sure the contract is OK?'

'He assumes you will not be trying to trick him, and there is no small print' China snapped, and America kept quiet though he was still a bit confused.

'In Germany too, we value trust in business, and will spend time establishing it', Germany added.

'In Japan business dinners and drinking together is vital. This helps building that trust we need in business. Never pour your own drink, but pour for the person you are drinking with', Japan continued, after giving Germany a nod of recognition.

China butted in saying, 'also, when giving them a gift they might refuse it several times aru. Keep pushing and he'll accept it, it's just modesty', which made Japan blush.

'Une moment s'il vous plaît. You do business over food?' France asked with big eyes.

'Ah, iie desu. The business dinner is more to get to know each other', Japan explained, which France seemed happy with.

'Food is not for business, it is l'art!' he exclaimed.

'Hey, business lunches are awesome! You get to eat and talk money at the same time, it's amazing!' America butted in.

England turned to him, 'you can do this with other Americans, but Japan and France does not like it, so you should respect that. We do not discuss business in the private sphere either, we like to keep those separate. Though in the UK you can be invited to a cricket or regatta or...'

'Ach, stop being such a snob', Scotland butted in. 'But, we hate it when you overdo stuff. Donnae try to impress, we'll take the piss out of ye'.

Surprisingly England did not say anything against. 'Also, remember to be a gentleman. Hold the door for others, and mind your manners'.

Wales chimed in with 'We don't tend to exchange gifts at business meetings either'.

'Most importantly, respect our privacy!' Northern Ireland said. 'England flips if you are too nosy. He considers it terribly rude to ask straight forward questions'.

England rolled his eyes at the language, but couldn't but agree. Not two weeks ago he had been in a meeting with an American who had dared to ask how much he earned! England was shocked beyond measure.

France decided to add his own inside into British mentality. 'While in Britain respect their queues, or they will never trust vous again!' he told them, which all the UK countries nodded in agreement to.

'Et en plus, don't speak casual English, Angleterre will use all his mental capacities on being annoyed at you and correcting it. But the most important! When a Brit says he is "quite pleased" he means he is extremely happy!'

Scotland snorted. 'Aye. And donnae imitate our accents. It is damned annoying. That goes for ye too England', he stared at the blonde next to him.

'I don't do that!' the younger Brit protested.

'Ye do when ye're drunk', Scotland pointed out.

'And donnae make fun of my kilt either!' Scotland stared around the table, shooting daggers with his eyes.

Northern Ireland added 'also, we have weird humour, which is always present. I think sometimes you guys don't get it. Or get offended. Don't. We mostly take the piss out of ourselves anyway'.

'Le flegme britannique is just a myth?' France raised an eyebrow.

'Nae. England doesnae show emotions if he can help it, but we do value humour and wit. If you are too serious or pompous we'll tell ye to "come off it", even England will. Though he seems like just the arrogant, stuck-up..'

'Yes thank you Scotland,' England interrupted.

'Don't talk religion. Ever', Wales also added. 'Particularly with Northern Ireland'.

America frowned. 'But, how do you ask God for help then?' he wondered.

The UK brothers all tensed up, and were about to change topic when Germany spoke.

'America. Countries have different religions, ja?' he waited for the other to nod. 'In Northern Ireland they have had a lot of conflicts between catholics and protestants. Talking about that can be very insensitive. There is a lot of history, that it is best to avoid for you as an outsider. Is that understood?'

America nodded again. 'Alles gut, then'.

Wales continued, 'we can also address people saying "love", "dear", "darling",and such, which is not romantic in any way or rude. It's just how we talk'.

'But, are there any difference between you guys?' America asked.

Scotland stood up abruptly. 'I'm Scotland. I'm British too. I might be in a Union with this lot, but I donnae just follow blindly. We Scots value generosity, humour and respectability. I'm proud of me country, and proud of valuing klan over class and social elitism', he scowled at England, who then stood.

'Most of you will know me as the face of the UK. Some of you', he looked to France in particular, 'will have problem remembering I'm England and not all of us. Please try to remember that we are four countries'. England cleared his throat.

'When it comes to English values we believe in politeness, reserve, and restraint. This can make us seem cold and indifferent, but I like to think we are actually very kind and helpful. We pride ourselves with being unassuming, but as Scotland so kindly pointed out we are indeed class conscious even today', sarcasm dripping at "kindly".

He continued, 'however, this will not concern you as foreigners, nor will we make any fuss at all over it. We will also not ask direct questions about you, but rather play a guessing game to find your occupation and from there estimate how much you earn. We never ask such things directly' he looked to America.

Wales stood up next, on the other side of Russia. 'I have been in a Union with England for hundreds of years, but I am my own country with my own language and culture. Please try to remember that. We Welsh are famous in the UK for singing and for being warm and hospitable, we also value family and kin'.

'Man, I thought you would have something to do with whales', America complained. England sighed.

'Right, I'm Northern Ireland!' said the last UK member, and stood up. 'I'm sort of inbetween being British and Irish and it's complicated, but we value sincerity, unlike some other UK countries I could mention, and we value friendliness, and working hard. Like the others we find pretentious people really annoying'.

England spoke up again 'I would like to add that, well, we English can be a bit, well, uncomfortable talking about money, as I said, and we prefer a ritual of small talk and such at the beginning of a meeting. We realise some of you will want to get straight down to business and everything, but it does make us incredibly uncomfortable'.

Germany nodded. 'Ja, there can be problems between England and Germany in making deals. Though we both do things by the book, you do take too much time getting to the point. Nor do we understand your humour, or why striving for perfection doesn't seem to appeal to you'.

'Well, though we realise this is the way it is done in Germany, we don't like people who are too direct, or people, sorry to phrase it like this seem "full of themselves" if you like. Or celebrate their own achievement', England tried to explain.

'I've noticed you never compliment anyone, Allemagne. And you seem to be constantly policing our behaviour and correcting it', France told Germany.

'That is true, I guess. I just have no time for fuss', the German admitted.

'What about you China?' Wales asked politely.

'In China we think belonging is important, both to family and country or organisation. We are proud of our history and respecting your elders is important. Strangers do not touch in China either', the Asian country answered.

'It seems to me,' Germany said, 'that most of us do not like being touched, or having people standing too close. A handshake is preferred generally. France, Russia and America, you seem to be a slight exception. Although French friends might touch while talking, please refrain from this when dealing with any of us'.

France spoke up 'mais, it is what builds trust and… it can be uncomfortable to talk with friends, like Arthur, without any intimacy. It feels like I am rejected. Why should I only respect his wishes and he not mine?'

'Because average French people chatting in a café will touch around 160 times, while the Brits more or less none. It is uncomfortable for us', England snapped.

'I didn't know you knew so much about my people, mon meilleur ennemi', France smiled, 'but.. tu must understand I feel so rejected. You are so cold sometimes. And we are supposed to be friends and allies, not merely business partners'.

'Well, then respect my personal space, Frog', was the gruffy answer.

America decided to chip in, 'some research in my country said it's easier to persuade people to do stuff if you're touching their arm lightly and stuff while you talk to them. Like, dude, it makes everything seem more personal right? And the other person felt more bound to work with you and stuff.'

Japan sighed, 'America, everything is not about knowing tricks on persuading 's about trusting the one you are dealing with, showing mutual respect and being honest'.

'In China we think you are corrupt in the West. We might also quietly think in a meeting, where you seem to always try to fill the silence, this we sees as rude. I will also maintain the right to change my mind!'

Japan snorted, rather out of character for once, 'you also try to emotionally manipulate foreign business people, or try to push them into making a hasty decision by throwing temper tantrums or saying it is very urgent!'

'That is very rude of you to say! We are really great hosts in China, with great banquets and food! Also, for Japan and I, don't refuse drinks, that is rude too'.

Scotland poked England hard in the shoulder. 'Why you shouldnae represent us wee brar, ye cannae hold yer liquor!'

Luckily America had already spoken up before England could reply. 'There's something I don't get. When I talk to guy guys, you often say "maybe" and then that seems to like, mean no. Particularly China, Japan and Britain'.

North Ireland chimed in to explain. 'It's all about saving face. Some countries find it difficult to be direct, so we say "maybe" to indicate that we will most likely decline'.

America still seemed confused. 'But saying a clear yes, no and maybe makes life so much easier. We should all do that!'

'We are not all like you, Alfred', England sighed. 'Some of us like subtones rather than brash behaviour'. He turned away from the American and over to China, who was next to Germany, on the other side of the table.

'China, I have noticed your people too can ask me straight out for my occupation, money or family life. I find this very uncomfortable. Why not talk about the weather while around Brits in the future?' England suggested, trying to not sound too confrontational.

'And you, America, also have a tendency to talk about things that are shockingly private. To just anyone. It is very awkward', England told his former colony.

'Well, then let's talk about me for a bit! And I think we should all do what I do for business! Americans are more informal and relaxed, but we're still pretty serious about stuff, you know. No stupid small talk is necessary, and we like getting to the point. Bargains are fun though, we always try to start high in case we have to compromise. Time is money, stop messing around!'

'To some of us that seems very crude, America', England tried to explain.

Germany had to agree with America, 'time is money. Efficiency is our best hope for a good solution'.

'I think we should talk about La France now!' Francis burst out, obviously ready to begin a long rant about his beloved country.

'In France we value, culture, art, beauty, fashion, architecture, language, and our cooking is art in itself! We are professionals, but not workaholics, like les Americains, we value highly skilled workers instead. We are also private people, and have a difference between people we are friendly with and professional with'.

England was rolling his eyes all the way, but France ignored him and continued, 'we believe lunch is a sacred, important time and will not do vulgaire business at this time. We prefer people to be gracious and sophisticated'.

'Also, you have no sense of humour', England added.

France was going to start fighting back when the person next to England stood up.

Russia had been silently paying attention to the nations around him explain or squabble and he now felt it was his time to contribute.

France sat right down.

'Russians will not bother with fake smiles and greetings with strangers. But of course, I know you all really well now', he began, and smiled his most creepy smile. Well, he smiled like usual.

'We like handshakes, but not over doorsteps, we believe this will lead to an argument'

Germany tensed a bit. He remembered Russia having shaken hands with him at the door once a long time ago. Arguments indeed...

'You might think we are cold, but we are actually demonstrative. Unlike the British we express our emotions, and enjoy physical contact, and we stand close when talking'.

England unconsciously moved even closer to Scotland. All of the UK gave Russia scowl.

'America, your OK sign is rude in my country. Stop doing it to me, please', Russia smiled to America, who paled a bit.

'We are very hospitable in Russia, but it is very rude to decline so don't do that', the pale blonde continued.

Both England and France remembered meetings with Russia during the First World War where their ally would tell them to eat and drink, and then eat and drink some more, and when they started to refuse, he simply insisted in a very scary, overly friendly way. England, who had gotten beyond drunk at several occasions and passed out, could hardly look at vodka again.

'We are also proud of our rich culture. Russians are gentlemen and prefer women to be feminine, and our men manly', Russia finished.

'They're very macho', France whispered to Scotland who was next to him, 'he once mistook me for a girl and was holding all the doors open. I have a beard, putain!'

Scotland gave a snort of laughter.

Germany took control again. 'Well, that was everybody. I hope we learnt something today and remember something for later. The most important thing is to remember that we do things a bit differently in countries, and sometimes behaviour is not meant to offend'.

'Lastly, I trust we all remember the difference between the UK and England, and can find each other on the map'.

At this last bit everyone looked to America.

'What!? 'Course I know where you guys are! I've known you for years!' America protested, but nobody believed him.

'Have a pleasant day and think about vat we have been discussing today. Meeting over!' Germany concluded.

England stretched and went over to France. 'That was surprisingly pain free', he noted.

'Ah, oui. Nearly too much so', Francis noted, 'let's go before something happens'.

For once, he did not unconsciously touch England's arm as they talked. Something which usually earned him a slap on his hand, and the Englishman stepping further away. 'Let's hurry', Arthur said, and touched the Frenchman's arm to steer him outside.

At least these two tried to use their new knowledge, Germany thought to himself, and ducked just as a chair came flying across the room.

America, it seemed, had accidentally called Scotland "English", which the Scot was not prepared to handle after a meeting explaining that he was not, in fact, in any way possible, English!

Comments were heard about "Westerners always arguing and being disrespectful" met by another Asian accent responding with "speak for yourself".

Germany had to admit he was starting to miss his friend, Italy. Sure the Italian could be very annoying, and he was the opposite of everything Germany is and was. However, the silly Southerner European made the German smile. He should probably call him.

He left the meeting calling the Italian's number. Three rings and he heard the familiar 'Germany, Germany! So nice of you too call! I was just making some pasta and there is enough for you if you want some dinner, because I love you like pasta, but I can find some sausages if that is what you...'

Germany smiled. Indeed, Italy was a weird choice of friend for him. But sometimes two different countries can help each other grow.

---

Meanwhile, France and England's Entente Cordiale dinner went surprisingly well. Only interrupted by occasional arguments along the line of:

'Stop flirting with me!'

'I was not flirting. It is how we are in France!'

'No, it's bloody not! Don't make excuses for yourself, you Frog! Most French people are perfectly decent, so who dropped you on your head as a child?'

'That can be said for you to! Your brothers are so nice, and the English are very kind, so where did everything go wrong with you?'

But overall, a very pleasant ordeal indeed.

The End

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Dear reader, do me a favour. I can't butcher my language more than necessary. France can't pronounce "the" or the h in the beginning of the words, but I won't write it. Please use your imagination, yeah? Cheers.

A little bit of translations:

French:

'Bonjour mon petit lapin! Comment ça va? Tu sais, j'ai appris à dire "Je t'aime" dans la langue de tout le monde ici!'

- Hello my little rabbit. How are you? You know, I learnt how to say I love you in the languages of everyone here.

'Nous sommes pas tutoyer. Nous sommes pas les amis. Et je ne suis pas un lapin! '

- We are not "tu"s (the informal version of "you" in France, which you use for friends etc), we are not friends. And I am not a rabbit.

tous les Royaume Uni - the whole of the UK

L'Écosse - Scotland

Welsh:

Prynhawn da - Good Afternoon

Cymru - Wales

Sut ydych chi - how do you do (England opted for the polite version rather than "Sut wyt ti" which would be to a friend or child. Like saying "tu" in French)

Gad lonydd i fi - leave me alone

There were a couple more, but I can't be bothered.

As you have gathered, one of my favourite topics happens to be culture. This is why Hetalia appeals so much to me. Stereotypes can be dangerous. They are often broad and crude, and we have a tendency to stereotype our "in-group" more favourable. However, growing up in different societies we do learn different norms of behaviour and value slightly different things.

Moving to another country can be stressful, not just because of language but because of different rules on eye-contact, greetings and other customs. Fundamentally we are all exactly the same, but we have learnt different behaviour as we grew up being socialised into our societies. Did you know, bilingual people actually don't simply change language, but also behaviour as they swap? American actors learning a British accent will start behaving differently. Our brains are fascinating stuff.

I'm such a nerd. But it provides fanfictions, so.. you know, review please (or skip the public and PM me). Tell me about the peculiarities of your own society, or differences you noticed going abroad. Or, if you're American inter-State differences. If you are British, do you experience Britain differently from me? Please tell me everything you want. I am honestly very interested! (I won't even be offended if you thought everyone in England were arrogant tossers :P Hope we're not though).

Cheers for reading! I know some of my stuff is.. for particularly interested. Or erm… I'm returning to write more normal things shortly. I am actually updating Communication Issues soon! Yay:)