Ten Good Ways to Bug the Bejeezus Out of Voldemort
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter!
Summary: one-shot inspired by all those Youtube videos, so lemme disclaim the ten ways real quick: not mine!
A/N: Hoshi is an OC of mine, yes. In this one shot he happens to be, for some unfathomable reason, the one person Voldemort can't kill or hurt or maim. What, you expect me to explain? Screw you, there's more unreasonable stuff out there.
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Number One: Pat him on the head and send him chocolates when his plots fail…again.
"Milord," Lucius said in a quivering voice, terrified to be the bearer of bad news, "I am shamed to admit that the boy still lives."
"Well, Lucius," emanated a silky voice from the darkness, "Perhaps you wish to tell me why that—"
"Milord?" Pettigrew entered, unaware of what was going on (as usual), "You've received a parcel."
"I'm a little busy, Peter," Voldemort hissed, "Why don't you show me some other time?"
"I think you should see this sir," he squeaked.
The wizard of all things evil and kinky (oh wait, not kinky, so just evil) tore open the wrappings.
"Godiva white chocolate?" he asked, dumbstruck.
"Voldie-kins!" a black haired boy burst into the room and ran to the man, "You poor baby doll, I heard Potter pwned you again!"
"He didn't pwn me, you petulant and disgusting child—"
"It's okay, Voldie, Hoshi is here," cooed the teen, patting he-who-must-not-be-named-for-fear-of-mispronouncing-his-name on his shiny bald head.
"Hoshi," the Dark Lord said through gritted teeth, "Go. Away."
"Hey," the boy said, "I think we need to wax your head again, its all rough."
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Number Two: Cough and mutter negative things under your breath during evil plot time.
"Lucius, I want you to (insert random evil deed)," Voldemort ordered the platinum blond.
"As you wish, milord," the Malfoy bowed.
"It's your funeral," Hoshi coughed.
"Crabbe, Goyle, you will (insert random evil deed)," he instructed.
"…" they drooled agreeably at him.
"Never gonna happen," Hoshi coughed.
"Bellatrix, you should—"
"I'll bear your child! I'd be happy to bear your child! In fact, I think we should conceive RIGHT NOW, like in front of Lucius and everyone, because, like, I'm your bitch, right? ZOMG you can take me, and I'll be your sex slave for like, ever, because you are SO FREAKING HAWT!!"
"…ahem. No, not today, Bellatrix. Today you must (insert random evil deed here…yeah, I'm uncreative. So sue me, it's too late for creativity)."
"Maniacal slut," Hoshi coughed.
"What'd you say, punk ass?" the Lestrange snarled.
"Lovely hair," the teen nodded innocuously.
"Hoshi," Voldemort growled, "Get out."
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Number Three: Call him 'The-Man-who-Let-the-Boy-Live-Seven-Times'
"Lucius, have you seen The-Man-who-Let-the-Boy-Live-Seven-Times?"
"Who?" the masked Death Eater frowned.
"The-Man-who-Let-the-Boy-Live-Seven-Times!"
"Would you be talking about me, by any chance?" Voldemort asked in a displeased voice.
"The-Man-who-Let-the-Boy-Live-Seven-Times, baby! Just the man I was looking for!" Hoshi exclaimed.
"For what?"
"Well, you'll know all about the new Nintendo Wii that came out, I bet! I need money—"
"No."
"But—"
"No."
And so it went. And so it was written.
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Number Four: Apparate in and out of his rooms continuously.
"Ahhhh," Voldemort sighed. There was nothing like a good warm bed after a hard day of plotting and planning dastardly deeds. So soft, and cozy, and fluffy and…did I mention warm?
-poof- "Here!"
"Hoshi?" the Dark Lord glared at the teen, "What—"
"Gone!" –poof-
"What the hell!"
-poof- "Here one minute!"
"Hoshi…"
"Gone the next!" -poof-
"I'm warning you…"
-poof- "Who knows when I'll appear!" –poof-
"Quit it!"
-poof- "Maybe when you're taking a dump!" –poof-
"Avada—"
-poof- "Or maybe when you're watching porn!" –poof-
"Kedavra!"
-poof- "Oh no, you killed me!" –poof-
"DAMN YOU!!"
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Number Five: Insist upon entering every room before him and giving him a grand introduction.
"Hoshi, that is really not required…"
"I WANNA DO IT!!" the hormonal teen screamed.
"On second thought, it does seem necessary. Go ahead."
The raven headed boy flipped his obsidian hair stylishly and walked into the conference room. Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and just about everyone else from the Good Side and the Bad(ass) Side turned to look at him.
"I present to you, his Dark Majesty, the Overlord of Evil, the Grand Jujube of Malevolence, the Revoltingly Bald One, He-who-Needs-Some-Serious-Huggin', this month's Vogue cover girl—um, I mean guy, the Non-Righteous Flame of Youthful Vigor, the Shadow Bearer of the Snake…"
"This guy," Tonks whispered to Luna, "Is taking forever."
The ditz stirred an imaginary margarita with an equally imaginary stirrer. "I like his shirt," she said absent-mindedly.
"…drum roll, please!" Hoshi yelled in conclusion. A loud silence fell over the hall, and Voldemort stalked in, glaring at the boy. "Never…again!"
"Oh poo, you're just mad I didn't put in Pumpkin-Pie-Of-Sweet-Sugary-Goodness with your titles."
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Number Six: Pretend to eat Nagini and offer him some of 'roast snake de la evil'.
"Lucius, have you seen Nagini around?"
"No," the platinum blond said, wondering why he was asked all the stupid questions.
"Well go find her!" Voldemort snapped, storming into the kitchen. Hmmmm…something smelled good in here. Hoshi was bent over the stove, frying strips of something.
"What are you cooking?" the Dark Lord inquired.
"Roast snake de la evil!"
"What?"
"Try it!" the teen enthused, stuffing a piece into the pale wizard's mouth. Voldemort chewed and swallowed. "Oh…that was pretty tasty. But I can't believe you went and bought a snake just to cook! That's dangerous, what if someone follows you back to the hideout!?"
"I didn't go out and buy a snake," Hoshi smirked.
"Don't be ridiculous, it's not like we have snakes lying…around…here…?"
"Nagini's flesh is awfully sweet and tender despite the fact that she was such a big, sour bitch," Hoshi commented. The tall wizard crumpled to the floor in a faint.
"You gonna tell him it was pork?" Wormtail asked, helping himself to some of the meat.
"I think I'll wait for him to find out from Nagini."
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Number Seven: Imperio some Death Eaters into singing the Song that Never Ends.
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…"
Voldemort twitched a little as he sought out the source of the noise. There it was: twenty of his best servants, including the Malfoy and the Lestranges and the Carrows…singing.
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!"
Even Harry Potter's gingerheaded sidekick could figure this one out.
"HOSHI! GET OVER HERE!"
"You called, Voldie-kins?" the basalt haired boy asked sweetly.
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…"
"Fix it."
"I'd love to help you out, but someone may have cast a charm on them so that they'll only stop when you kiss Bellatrix."
"Aw, hell no."
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!"
"Fine!" the Dark Lord whined, at the end of his wits, "You're sure it'll stop?"
"Yeah, but it has to be a real kiss. You know, with tongue and everything."
"Fucking—"
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it—"
"Fine!" the Potter killer snarled and grabbed the woman, kissing her full on the lips. She fainted, going limp in his arms, and he threw her aside, but… "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…"
"HOSHI!!"
"I can't believe you fell for it! No screw that, I can't believe I didn't tape it!!"
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Number Eight: Get him a plant. Be mortally offended when it dies because he fails to water it.
"It's a donkey tail cactus! His name is Jeff!" Hoshi exclaimed proudly, "Happy I-Value-Our-Friendship-Day!"
"Is that something you made up?" Voldemort asked, squinting suspiciously at the seemingly harmless plant. It just stayed put in the earthenware pot…sinisterly photosynthesizing.
Voldemort knew evil when he saw it.
"NO IT'S NOT YOU ARE!"
"Um, okay, put it on the window sill or something," the man waved away the boy.
"Okies-dokies!"
-a few days later-
"TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE!"
Voldemort winced. "Dammit Hoshi, didn't I tell you not to scream my real name to the heavens? I'm Voldemort now!"
"LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT JEFF! HE'S DEAD!!" the boy dragged him over to the window sill by his ear.
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow…"
"DEAD AS A DOORNAIL! IS THAT ALL A GIFT MEANS TO YOU!? WHERE IS YOUR HONOR DIRTBAG!? YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE TO THE NAME FRIEND!!"
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow…"
And so, as the Death Eaters watched, their menacing master got a spectacular ass-chewing from an eighteen year old boy.
These were the moments they joined up for, really.
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Number Nine: Patronize/antagonize him.
"And so, on this Hogsmeade weekend they'll have, Lucius' son will kill the Potter boy, and I will achieve immortality!"
"Superb plan, milord," Macnair applauded.
"Genius!"
"As expected of a Dark Lord!"
Hoshi waggled a finger at him sternly. "Now, now, Voldie, is that something Salazar would have done?"
-later-
"Harry Potter must die!!"
"Honestly," Hoshi scolded, "I don't know how you can even think of harming a single hair on the head of that cute, innocent little boy!"
-later still-
"What do you mean, attack Hogwarts even though Dumbledore will be there!? Are you insane! That won't do at all! Off with your head!" Voldemort yelled wildly.
Hoshi sighed. "I can't believe you're so afraid of that dear old man with the twinkly eyes. He's such a sweetheart!"
Voldemort scoffed. "I'm not afraid…I'm just…frightened."
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Number Ten: Show him the video on Youtube, "Seventy Ways to Annoy Voldemort." OR cuddle him at random moments.
"Voldie, let me show this video I found on the internet!" the teenager called out. The Dark Lord of All Things Dark walked over to him and his laptop obediently.
"What is this…?" his eyes widened as the video began to play and he began to read the text.
"What!? What the hell is the Beach Boys song!?"
"It gets better," Hoshi assured him.
"Hey, you didn't teach me everything I know!"
"So you keep saying," the boy scowled.
"Pinch me? Why would pinching me make me squeal? I'm a Dark Lord, I'm supposed to have a high threshold for pain aren't I?"
"Again, so you keep on saying…"
"Well that's just stupid, whacking me repeatedly in the arm and saying mosquito every time…"
"Mosquito," Hoshi said, whacking him in the arm, "Mosquito. Mosquito. WHOA, BEE! Mosquito. Mosquito…"
"Alright, I get it," Voldemort growled. He blinked as the boy suddenly wrapped his arms around his midriff and hugged him tightly.
"What the hell are you doing now?"
"Number forty-eight," Hoshi mumbled.
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Ah! That was like the most fun one-shot EVER!! Review and tell me what you thought, and I tried to put the link to the video, but it didn't work...so go to youtube and type in "Seventy Ways to Annoy Voldemort" its a video by darkraven133.
Toodles!