Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin
Duff vs. Pawtucket
What's your favorite beer? Coors? Heineken? Do you have intense passion for that beer? No? Well, I know two best friends who have intense passion for their favorite beers. That passion is so intense, in fact, they'd be willing to sleep with that beer than their own living wives! Just kidding. Anyway, they loved and praised their beer so much, these two friends once fought over whose favorite beer was the best.
(The Simpson residence)
(Bart and Lisa are watching the Itchy & Scratchy Show in the living room with Santa's Little Helper, while Homer is reading the Springfield Bustle Newspaper in the kitchen with Marge tending to Maggie's pre-tot needs.)
Homer: Hey, Marge! Take a look at this article! Drunken Employee Makes An Ass Out of Himself In Quahog Brewery! Heh heh heh! Dumbass!
(Marge takes a look at the newspaper while putting air freshener on Maggie's diaper.)
Marge: Oh my God, isn't that Peter?
Homer: Don't be ridiculous, Marge! It's just a brown-haired fat bastard wearing glasses and has… a penis…for a chin…
(Homer looks more carefully at the picture in the article. Marge, her eyes focused on the newspaper, tries to reach for a box of baby powder, but instead takes a box of tacks and
sprinkles them on Maggie's open diaper.)
Homer: That is Peter! That lucky bastard, getting all that beer…
Marge: I wonder what made him do it?
(Marge, still looking at the news article, puts the box of tacks away and tries to reach for a safety pin but she picks up switch blade. Maggie notices the sharp blade and suddenly gets nervous.)
Homer: I'll tell you, Marge. It's simple. Us men love beer!
(In the living room Bart is drinking from a Buzz Cola can, but he doesn't know that Homer filled the can up with Duff beer.)
Bart: (drunkenly) Hey! T-this soda tastes…kinda…weird..
(Back in the kitchen.)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? The sooner the boy drinks, the sooner he'll be a man!
(There is a large knock from the front door.)
Homer: I'll get it!
(Marge secures Maggie's diaper with the switchblade, picks her up, and walks to the living room. Homer opens the door. Cleveland and Joe are standing in front of the door.)
Cleveland: Hey, *bald man.
Joe: How's it going, *yellow man?
Homer: Hey, *Baracus. Hey, *T.J.
*Homer, Cleveland, and Joe greet each other in this manner because it is "Greetings from Douchebags" weekend for Homer, Peter and the other guys.
Cleveland: Did you hear the news about Peter?
Homer: Oh, please! If the town didn't hear about it, then that stupid Flanders wouldn't be announcing it to the whole freaking world.
Joe: He got pretty annoying on the way here, so me and Wiggum threatened to take his sons and put them in juvie.
Homer: Huh. Why didn't I think of that?
(Butters from South Park comes up.)
Butters: Because you have no authority, fool!
(A car horn sounds. Quagmire pulls up with Carl, Lenny, and Barney.)
Quagmire: Hey! Are you guys gonna come or not!?
Carl: We're heading over to Peter's house!
Cleveland: Don't worry, guys! I got a car!
(Quagmire drives off.)
Homer: We should go with them.
Joe: I call shotgun!
Homer: Eat my crap, Joe!
(The Griffin residence)
(Lois is yelling at Peter for his unruly behavior at the brewery. Stewie, Chris, and Brian are watching The Life of Sue Hamilton. No one knows where Meg is, because no one cares about her.)
Lois: I swear to God, Peter! This is 5th time you nearly lost your job! You've got to take this job more seriously!
Peter: Lois, it wasn't my fault that one of the guys bet me five thousand bucks if I drank three hundred beers! And I can tell you, swimming around in that beer tank was much better than that time I was Chubacca from Star Wars!
(Flashback)
Film Director: Okay, cut!
(Peter takes off his Chubacca mask and takes a cup of coffee. Darth Vader walks up to him.)
Peter: Oh hey, Darth Vader.
(Darth Vader lifts up his hand and uses the force to choke Peter. He starts gagging.)
Peter: CHOKE! GASP!
(Peter's head explodes.)
(Present)
Lois: Peter! This is serious!
(A car honks from outside.)
Peter: Oh, that'll be the guys. Sorry, Lois, gotta go!
Lois: Wait, Peter!
(Peter runs out the door and shuts it with a slam.)
Lois: (sighs) There he goes again.
Stewie: Well, it's not surprising. I mean, with the way you look and your inconsistent chatter, almost anyone would run from you. That reminds me of that time I played "Date with a Loser" with Rupert.
(Flashback)
Supermodel: I-I'm sorry, Rupert. I'll have to turn you down.
(Stewie's teddy bear Rupert stays silent.)
Stewie: You suck!
(Present)
(Peter gets in Cleveland's car.)
Peter: Hey, you guys. You really saved my ass back there, cause Lois was giving me another freaking lecture about the incident at the brewery.
Homer: You lucky bastard. The last time I'd drunk so much beer was when I was at the Duff Brewery.
(Flashback)
Homer: (Drunkenly) Hey… I'm the richest man in the world! Suck it, Flanders!
(Homer falls back into a large pit of beer.)
Homer: (Hic) I'm so proud of…(burp) myself…
(Present)
Homer: Heh.. It was goooooood….
Peter: Oh yeah? I bet it wasn't nearly as good as Pawtucket's!
Homer: Nearly as good? I'm pretty sure that Duff is the best beer around!
Peter: No, Pawtucket is the best!
(Homer punches Peter. Peter feels his nose, gets angry and punches Homer back. Homer jumps at Peter and they smash through the windshield. Cleveland stops his car.)
Cleveland: What the hell?!
(Homer and Peter get up and start fighting. They're moving and fighting on the street.)
Joe: Hey! Stop it right now!
(Homer and Peter ignore Joe's warning and take their fight to a backyard. They get up on a trampoline and exchange punches each time they come up.)
Homer: Screw you, Griffin!
Peter: Go to hell, Simpson!
(Homer and Peter bounce back up so high they land on the roof of a house. A man and his son are repairing the roof.)
Father: Careful with that hammer, son.
Son: I know, Dad.
(The Simpson-Griffin brawl knocks the father and the son off the roof. Homer picks up some of the shingles that were lying on the roof and starts throwing them at Peter. Peter picks up the hammer that the son had been using. Peter puts all of his strength into a single downward swing and Homer falls into the house.)
Homer: D'oooooohhh!
Peter: Heheheheheheheh!
(Peter falls into the house with Homer.)
Peter: Aaaaahhhh!
(Homer and Peter get up again and start fighting. They move towards the living room, where two girls are watching a kids' show.)
TV: Now kids, be sure not to tell your parents about this…
(Homer pushes Peter onto the TV and starts pounding him with his cupped fists. Peter grabs the TV receiver and starts whacking Peter with it. The TV begins to blur and tries to buffer the image.)
TV: Because you need to… Two girls… One cup…
(Homer and Peter continue to fight. The front door opens and they continue their barbaric combat across the street. Cars start swerving, crashing, and exploding.)
Homer: Take this, asshole!
Peter: Why you--!
(They knock out an old man mowing the lawn and lawn mower goes around shredding everything in its path. The lawn mower shreds a little cat to pieces. Homer bear hugs Peter and pushes him toward the backyard fence. Peter grabs Homer's two hairs and delivers a few blows to his face.)
Homer: D'oh!
(Homer and Peter keep fighting, while they approach a little playground set.)
Mother: Now, Jimmy, don't be afraid of the to get on the monkey bars.
Kid named Jimmy: O-okay, Mommy..
(The kid gets on the monkey bars, but Homer and Peter kick him off and start hanging on the monkey bars, dishing out kicks to each other. They keep fighting and then they walk onto a seesaw, Homer on one side, Peter on the other. They pick up little rocks each time they come down on the ground and throw them each time they come up. Coincidentally, one of the rocks hits the Giant Chicken.)
Giant Chicken: BAKAAAAWWWK!!
(The Giant Chicken joins in the brawl but Peter gets on Homer's side of the seesaw and throws a rock straight towards the Giant Chicken's head, while he's jumping towards the brawl. The knocked out Chicken lands on the other side of the seesaw and it launches scuffling Peter and Homer into the air.)
Homer: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!
Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
(Surprisingly, they land on a construction site.)
Worker 1: Dude! Watch that column!
Worker 2: Stop complaining, asshole! I'm trying my best not to make this whole thing collapse!
(Homer and Peter land on the right side of the column, which makes it shift and hit the side of the building. Homer and Peter nearly roll off and hang on for their lives. The construction site completely collapses, leaving Homer and Peter falling. They land on a massive stack of fiber insulation material.)
Peter: Huh. This feels so soft!
Homer: And so thick!
(They keep feeling the material until Joe and Chief Wiggum arrive with six cop cars.)
(Thirty minutes later…)
Joe: All right, so we got disturbing the peace, public brawling, mass jaywalking, 2nd degree killings, and trying to bribe me with Grey's Anatomy Season 5, which I already have… and being two stubborn asses…Is there anything else?
Peter: Hey, um, could you put being a Pawtucket hater down on that notebook?
Homer: Wait a minute! You hate Duff!
Peter: Tell that to my fat green ass, baldy!
Homer: Why you little--!
(Homer and Peter fight again. Lou and Hogie try to separate them.)
Joe: Did I hear that right, Peter? Homer hates Pawtucket?
Peter: What else do you think I said, Joe?
Wiggum: And Peter hates Duff?
Homer: Exactamundo.
Joe: Sounds like we got a beer war here, fellas.
Homer: Beer war!? The last time a beer war was held was…uh…
Lou: That would be 1589...
(Flashback)
(Homer and Peter's ancestors are binge drinking ale, wine, and beer, while the spectators are cheering.)
Homer's ancestor: (drunkenly)Why…won't you…just…lose…(burp!)?
Peter's ancestor: Screw you, you…yellow bas(hic!)..tard.
(Present)
Peter: A beer war, eh? Sounds good. All right, you yellow bastard, this is war!
Homer: All right, then, Penis Face, war it is! And this time, I have the Greased Up Deaf Guy on my side!
Greased Up Deaf Guy: I knows what its like having to fight with those odds!
Peter: Take him, I didn't want him anyway!
(To be continued…)