Disclaimers: No, nor the characters or the show belong to me...
Note:few chapters to spedn the next few weeks- slow days on the job and no vacancy this year, so, a certain amount of time available to put this time. updates, though, will be sporadic, as I know it will just have along 4-5 chapters maximum, and will all probably be not too long. I'm just doing this to pass time, and because the idea... well, it intrigued me.
Checked a couple of time, so it should be pretty much in order, but i'm always here ready to hear you out (aka: review and I'll read you and I'll review your pieces), and don't forget to check the paint it red forum for operation "keep calm and carry on reviewing"
ALSO: rated T to be on the safe side. there's a chance, though, that a certain point could reach the M rating (a chance, not certain, we'll see where my muse, Mini Salamina Mina, will carry me)
He has always craved normality, which is kind of ironic, considered that he has worked as a psych a good part of his life, even when he wanted nothing more than being like anyone else (just with more money, a bigger house and more cars and a huge bank account). That's why, when, come Monday, he comes back to work after the "near death/fugue experience" he strolls into the office a bit too happily for his own good- or so the glares seem to suggest.
The smile, though, vanishes from his lisp as he enters SCU, hearing the whispered commotion, Rigsby laughing, and failing at concealing so, and Van Pelt almost shy and embarrassed words (he is quite sure she is as red as her own hair). And if they are behaving so, there is only one reason and one reason only: they are talking about him- or at least, about the "fugue Patrick Jane", one Lisbon refuses to talk about.
Which makes him only more curious. Which makes him eavesdropping on them.
"I swear, I was walking behind them!" Grace hisses, annoyed. Apparently, good old Wayne isn't believing her own words.
"And how comes he still has both hands? There's no way that boss can have let him go away with this. I mean, she throws things at him for way less!"
"She pitied the old him." Cho simply deadpans (hidden behind a wall, Jane is almost positive that the Asian didn't even bother to lift his head form the pages of his latest classic- War and Peace), revealing what the mentalist has always known. That woman is a saint, and will never give up on him. Not even when, according to the rumors, he behaves like an ass (and he used to be an ass, after the teenage years and before the marriage).
"Or maybe the rumors are true. I mean, Ardilles keeps saying that she lets him go away with everything because she has a thing for him." Jane lifts his eyebrows hearing so; it's not that he doesn't know that Lisbon has, indeed, a soft spot for him, it's the realization that everybody (Rigsby included, and it says something) knows so.
"Aren't you contradicting yourself?"
"Yeah, but, you know, she likes old Jane. I mean, new Jane… our usual Jane. That creep? Not exactly her cup of tea. I mean, I wanted to hit him, and under normal circumstances, I kind of like Jane."
"I heard Lisbon saying to the doctor that he believed she was his girlfriend. Maybe that's why he was so touchy-feely with her." His eyebrows reach his hairline, while he stares in the void; that, Lisbon, forgot to tell him. Really, he thought they were sleeping together? What a crazy thought. He would have never slept with her- he would never sleep with her, point.
Besides, she is not is type.
"Grabbing her ass and staring at her breasts while he is walking at her side isn't being touchy-feely. It's being a perverted. And an old pig." At Cho's next intrusion, he starts (also because he is quite surprised by the "old" comment). One thing is thinking of sleeping with Lisbon, another one is actually trying to get her in bed, which is, if he is not mistaken, exactly what his fugue-self had tried to do.
Which is pretty stupid- Lisbon had never been his type, not even in the past. And, according to rumors, fugue Jane was the old Jane.
"Hang on, he really did it? And he is still alive? With hands and attributes still in place? How comes?" Grace grunts like a furious bull as Rigsby does the best imitation of a giggle available for a heterosexual male, which, for a sec, makes him forget why he is so unnerved by (and with) them: gossiping at his back about him (and his sexual life)? Not a good idea. And not their business.
"You know, I don't think she pitied him that much. I think she was kind of… flattered by the attention, or at least she seemed to, you know, flirt along." Grace pauses, sighing out loud. "You know, I honestly thought they had gone into an hotel, until Jane didn't show up the next day with that Barbie."
"Boss would have never taken advantage of him." Cho stops to speak; for a while Jane thinks he is done, than, he starts again, and it's even worst that what Grace just said. " Besides, she'd like for Jane to be in his right mind when they'll sleep together. If they'll ever sleep together."
"Why shouldn't they? I mean, he is single, she is single… and he isn't an agent, but a consultant."
"Jane still sees himself as a married man, hence unavailable. Lisbon would never try something with him just to be turned down, she is not so desperate to have him to not knowing what unrequired love is."
From his hiding spot, Jane hears Grace squirting like a mouse at the revelation, like she was bathing in glee (almost disgusting. Isn't she supposed to be an adult and a respected agent of law enforcement?). "Oh, they would be so cute together! Have you ever thought about what beautiful babies they could have? I mean, he looks like a freaking model…" Uhm, so that is what she thinks of him? Quite interesting -and usable against her in future, above all.
Even if, if he has to admit it, the realization that the team thinks about how his (in)possible babies with Lisbon could look like is quite…. Traumatic. Really. Does anyone in the building think that he and Lisbon go at it like rabbits in heat? Ridiculous. He and Lisbon? An impossible pair. Who could ever… what was the term? Ship? Who would ever ship them? They are practically like fire and water (fire form hell and holy water, to be more accurate). It's a miracle he survived her wrath so long…
He sighs, suddenly tired (and annoyed and bored) by the conversation, and, as covertly as he has entered, he leaves his hiding spot, cheerful like nothing happened at all, like he hadn't heard them gossiping about his life- lack of sexual life, to be more accurate, and strolls towards his team-mates, throwing at them a bag of donuts, from their favorite spot. (Really, the picture of the stereotypical cop…)
"Hello people, everybody in a good mood? Because I am!" (Which is a lie: he isn't in a good mood, he just can't be, not when, just a couple of days before, he had awoke with a jolt in front of the smiling face painted in blood.) "How's our lovely boss doing? I wanted to thank her yet again for having saved my precious life! Did Bertram congratulated her for saving the golden boy of the CBI? No? well, I guess I'll ask her and find out on my own!"
He doesn't bother to knock - he never does, after all, and he isn't going to change just for a brush with death- and strolls in her office; she is sitting at desk, leaning on quite the number of documents (boring and pointless paperwork for sure) in the middle of a migraine, he deduces from the special grunt.
"Jane…" she hisses his name. He has to admit: after having almost died, he kind of likes how she says it. Just a tiny bit, though. An annoyed Lisbon is never a good thing, after all. A sight for sore eyes with such flaming green eyes? Definitely? A treat to his persona? You can bet on it.
She sighs when a cappuccino and a donut from Marie appear like from thin air (one if trick as a magician, she has learnt few days ago), and, crossing her arms, she is almost tempted to say no just to annoy him. It just makes him grin even more, though, a clear sign that her tactic isn't working that much. Not on him, at least.
"You want to laugh?" he asks her, sitting in front of her, studying her, reading on her face the moment she gives up and just takes the offering. With her full mouth, she grunts something, and even if he is quite sure it was "no", he still talks again. "People thinks we are having wild sex."
"Really? And what's so funny about it?"
"Well, you'll admit that the idea that we could sleep together is quite funny, my dear."
"You are right. I'd never sleep with you. I'm more into dark, tall and handsome and adult." She underlines the last sentence, with glee and triumph. Like she just had the last word. How wrong she is, and he has every intention of showing her so!
"Actually, I think that you wouldn't mind sleeping with me. Quite the contrary, actually. I may not be physically dark, but inside? Besides, there's the fact that you live on saving people, especially from themselves. I think you'd do everything in your power to accomplish this with me as well. Even seducing me."
"So" she slowly says, her voice getting higher and higher, her eyes turning dark green, huge, reddish. "let me get this straight. The idea of us sleeping together is ridiculous not because I'd never sleep with you, but because you'd never sleep with me?"
Note to self, he reminds to himself as she grabs an heavy stapler: women have as much of an ego as men.
He doesn't wait for her to attack him, he doesn't wait for the stapler, he just… escapes from her office, tail between his legs like a lost puppy, while, inside, Lisbon throws the infamous object against the wall, furious.
So, he thinks she is not enough for him to sleep with? Well, he is wrong, and she'll show him just that… before he'll know what hit him, he'll be hers, he'll be her personal sex slave… or maybe she'll just give him the illusion of having her in his bed just to let him dry at the right moment- the last (it will depend on her mood at the moment)… he'll be her personal dog, but first, he'll have to pay what he insinuated.
Operation Vengeful Seduction is a go: Patrick Jane is going to pay. He'll so not see this coming…