Title: A Four Letter Word
Spoilers: Everything up to the season 5 finale
Description: I got restless before the finale and started writing this. I didn't finish it before the season ended, but after I saw the finale I decided to finish this fic and write my own 'ending.' The POV switches a lot, so I'm sorry if it's a little confusing!
Fifteen years or so of friendship had led to some odd rituals. They'd started playing Scrabble in high school. It was the closest thing to SAT prep that Haley could wrangle Lucas into. Their games always dragged on because of numerous house rules they had created over the years. No words under five letters, no proper names unless they were a literary reference, and a triple word score for palindromes.
"Eskimo…. twenty-seven points," Lucas announced to Haley. She scrunched up her nose in frustration but dutifully recorded his score. He was beating her by twenty-four points, and they'd only been playing for twenty minutes.
"Do you think an English teacher playing a novelist in Scrabble is some sort of Jedi-like face off?" Lucas asked.
"Which one of us is Darth Vader?" Haley quipped back. She fiddled with her tiles, annoyed at her lack of vowels.
"Well, obviously you're Yoda," Lucas explained. Haley glanced up to see him smirking at her from behind his wine glass. She quickly placed her tiles on the board and tallied her score.
"Hmm, well Yoda just kicked your butt. Forty-eight points!" Lucas laughed at her glee. Haley smiled at him and settled back on the couch. She took a sip of her wine and observed Lucas as he puzzled over his next word. He was wearing an old pair of jeans and a Ravens sweatshirt. He was looking a little scruffy around the edges, but Haley knew he'd locked himself away for the last few days.
It had been a few months since Lindsay had left town, and Lucas appeared to have settled back into life in Tree Hill. He was coaching the Ravens through their first several playoff games, helping Brooke with baby Angie, and writing constantly. Nathan kept reassuring Haley that Lucas was healing. It would just take time, he said.
Of course, Haley knew Lucas Scott better than most. She knew that his coping mechanisms were flawless on the surface. Haley had watched him struggle with growing up under Dan's shadow, deal with the loss of his uncle Keith, and search for a new passion when his HCM had stolen away his old one. So although she'd allowed Nathan to kiss her on the cheek and soothe away her worry lines, Haley had tried to watch over Lucas.
She'd been doing that since she was eight years old, so it was a hard habit to kick. And this past week's drunken Quasimodo act had prompted her to appear on his doorstep tonight, clutching a bottle of wine and her Scrabble board. If he was going to drown his sorrows, at he could do it with a Webster's Dictionary in one hand.
"You're hovering Hales," Lucas observed. He looked up from the board, catching her worried gaze. She guilty put down her wine glass and attempted to put on a nonchalant expression.
"I'm just here to hang out, you know, play a little Scrabble." Haley replied. "And perhaps I was checking in on you, but that's my right. I'm your friend, and you've gone through a lot. I'm just making sure you're holding up okay."
"We'll I'm fine, so you don't need to keep worrying about me," Lucas said. But the smile he flashed her didn't reach his eyes. "In fact, everyone can stop checking up on me. I'm fine, and I don't need looking after." Haley noted the fact that he would rather fiddle with the letter pieces than look her in the eyes.
"Well, can you blame us? You're like a pod person Luke! Every time I ask how you're doing you smile, pat my hand, and say you're fine. But I know you're lying." Haley paused, and took a deep breath. "I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you're hurting and you're hiding it from me." Haley stared at him, willing Lucas to look her in the eyes. She hadn't pushed him into talking about Lindsay until this moment. She'd wanted to give him the opportunity to open up on his own. But it was obvious that he wasn't going to do that.
"She won't return my calls…" Lucas whispered. Once Lindsay had told him she was dating again, Lucas lost himself completely. It was as if she'd left him all over again. Lucas couldn't bring himself to look at Haley. Instead his eyes were focused on the coffee table where he knelt, intently pushing Scrabble pieces back and forth around the edge of the board.
"But I thought she'd agreed to edit the novel?" Haley inquired gently. Lucas shook his head, letting out a defeated sigh.
"Email. That's the only way she'll talk to me. And only about editing. It's like we're strangers again." He stood up abruptly, abandoning the game. He refilled his glass of wine, and brought the bottle back with him, placing it on the table between them. Haley leaned forward with her glass outstretched and he refilled it for her. Lucas settled onto the opposite side of the couch. Silence stretched between them.
"Lucas, I hate to even say this, but maybe the best thing for you to do right now is give her some space." Haley made the suggestion with so much hesitation in her voice that she was almost inaudible. She sat up straighter on the couch and angled herself towards him, trying to find the right words.
"Do you remember how when we were in high school, every decision felt so scary, like we were deciding the rest of our lives with each choice we made? When I was gone during junior year, I thought I'd lost everything. I thought that Nathan would never forgive me." Haley paused, hoping she wasn't babbling. Lucas still wasn't meeting her gaze, but she saw him nod slightly at the mention of Nathan's name. She decided to forge ahead.
"As we got older, I started to realize that the hardest thing in life is waiting. Especially when you know what you want. But if you push too hard, you can ruin your chances. I know you meant it when you said 'I do' to Lindsay. But there's a reason she said no, and you have to respect that. You have give her time."
Lucas had finally looked up at Haley. His face was a mix of sadness and anger, and something Haley couldn't quite put her finger on.
"I feel like I've lost her." Lucas stated, and in his voice Haley identified the mystery emotion. Fear. Haley set her glass down and scooted across the couch. She linked her arm through Lucas,' and held his hand in both of hers.
"You're always telling me to have faith that things will turn out for the best." Haley said, speaking straight from her heart without pausing to form the words all that carefully. "You're a good man Lucas, and I have faith that you will get back all the love that you give. But right now, the only thing to do is wait. You have to keep believing that it's going to work out for the best." Haley squeezed his hand on her last words, praying that they didn't sound too cliché.
She knew she was going on and on about hope and having faith, but to be honest Haley wasn't certain that Lindsey and Lucas were going to end up together. Haley had supported his relationship with Lindsey more than anyone, especially after Peyton had reappeared in his life. She'd believed that Lucas was finally over Peyton, and part of her had been wary of Peyton's motive for returning to Tree Hill. And Haley liked Lindsey. She was kind and smart and really cared about Lucas. It seemed as if the planets had aligned and Luke was finally getting his shot at always and forever.
But then Haley had seen Lucas with Peyton, and suddenly all the old memories from high school came flooding back. They were Lucas and Peyton, and they were undeniable. Haley had tried to tell Peyton to stay away, hell she'd done everything but physically put a flashing warning sign in front of Lucas every time Peyton was in the room. So when Haley had finally read the final draft of his novel, she understood why all her efforts at keeping them apart had failed.
Peyton wasn't the enemy, and Haley hated that she'd tried to portray her friend in that light. Lucas was still in love with Peyton, and from what Haley could tell, he was so deep in denial over that fact that he'd turned his love into a deep form of resentment. But he was still Lucas, and so he had tried to be nice, he had tried to be Peyton's friend. But Lindsey had seen Lucas struggling with his feelings, and that's why she'd said no. And now here Haley was, sitting on the couch with her best friend, trying to make him see what he'd been hiding from for so long.
"I miss her." Lucas whispered, turning to Haley and looking straight into her eyes. She held his gaze, trying to silently shift through the emotions in his eyes. Deep down, they both knew he wasn't talking about Lindsay.
"Then tell her that Luke" Haley whispered back. A tear slipped down Haley's cheek, because she felt too full of love and concern, and she didn't know how to help him. Lucas' forehead creased in concern, and he gently brushed away the tear with his thumb. Haley smiled at him. She shook her head, as if to literally shake off the fear in both of their hearts.
"It's your turn, loser" She taunted. Lucas chuckled, breaking the tension. He leaned forward to assess his game pieces while Haley took another sip of her wine. She glanced at her watch to see what time it was. Lucas had settled back onto the couch and caught her looking at the time.
"You should get going, it's getting late." He suggested.
"No, no, I'm here to hang out!" Haley insisted, although she silently wondered whether or not Jamie was asleep yet. Nathan was such a softie. Whenever Jamie refused to go to bed Nathan would stay up reading Jamie bedtime stories. Haley couldn't count the number of times she'd found him asleep in Jamie's bed, curled up with their son, a copy of Good Night Moon nestled between them.
"And I love you for that Hales. But I'm going to be fine." Lucas explained. Now it was Haley's turn to frown at him in concern. He laughed at her crinkled brow, and impulsively kissed her on the forehead.
"I promise, I'm just going to clean up and then go straight to bed, Mom," he teased. Haley stuck her tongue out at him, making a decidedly non-maternal face.
"Way to make me feel old," she complained. Lucas rolled his eyes at her and they both began to clear the table. Haley grabbed the wine glasses while Lucas put away the Scrabble board. She rinsed them carefully in the sink and then put them in the dishwasher. She padded back across the living room in her stocking feet, searching for her purse. She spied it by the front door, next to her shoes. She slipped on her heels, while Lucas dug around in the hall closet for her coat.
"Do you remember how in junior high you told me heels were the modern equivalent of foot binding?" Lucas reminisced as he helped Haley put on her coat. She quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Did I really say that?" She asked. Lucas nodded, smiling at the grown up version of Haley standing before him. He was amazed at how much they had changed over the years. In high school Lucas could never have imagined that this is how their lives would be five years down the road. In some secret part of his heart, he missed their thirteen-year-old selves. Back when Haley had braces and he was so scrawny he could barely dribble a basketball. But he also cherished all the memories their friendship had brought him. Walking her down the aisle on her wedding day and seeing Haley hold Jamie in her arms for the first time. Haley always amazed him with her strength. She was Wonder Woman and she didn't even know it.
"Thanks for hanging out tonight" He said with a smile.
"It was fun, just like old times." Haley replied. "And by old times, I mean I continued my 32-0 streak of kicking your ass in Scrabble." Lucas laughed out loud and pulled his best friend into a hug.
"I love you, Hales," He whispered into her ear.
"I love you too, Luke," She whispered back. They pulled apart and Lucas opened the front door for her. Haley slipped out into the night. She waved goodbye again from the driver's seat before she pulled out of the driveway. Lucas stood in the doorway for a while, breathing in the evening air. He felt something tug at him, a restlessness that used to send him jogging through Tree Hill at night in his old Scott Motors sweatshirt. Lucas had packed the sweatshirt away years ago, storing it safely away with most of his other mementos of Keith. But he decided to dig around in the garage and found a basketball. Dribbling it absently, he began to walk down the street.
His feet knew the way, even though he didn't have a particular destination in mind. The rhythmic sound of the basketball hitting the sidewalk made him smile to himself. Haley always had a thing about scents evoking certain memories. She swore that the storage room at Brooke's Clothes Over Bros store still smelled like Karen's homemade jam. Perhaps Lucas had certain sounds that made him reminisce as well. Like the ticking sound of a cooling engine.
Lucas's eyes had been trained on the ground, but at the sound of the cooling engine he glanced upwards. He'd ended up at the river court, and apparently so had she. Peyton was perched on the front of her car, sitting cross-legged on the hood in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, watching the water.
He waited for an emotion to hit him. Anger, or fear, something that would make him turn away before she noticed him. But nothing came. So he kept walking, holding the basketball in both hands. She didn't seem to hear him. A breeze blew over him from the river, and he saw her shiver slightly. When he entered her peripheral vision, she stiffened. He hated seeing her shoulders tense, hated knowing that his presence is what caused her to flinch.
"Luke…." She began but trailed off, avoiding his eyes but still trying to say something to ward off an awkward silence. He nodded at her, and then motioned with one hand to the space on the hood next to her.
"Oh, umm, sure" She mumbled, scooting over. As Lucas sat next to her, Peyton tried to pull in a calm breathing. Was this happening, was he really here? Her mind buzzed around questions that had been churning inside her ever since she'd come back to Tree Hill. She risked a sidelong glance at him and was shocked to see that Lucas was looking straight at her.
"I'm sorry, Petyon," he said. Peyton meet his steady gaze with her own. And she knew. She knew he meant it. But worried words tumbled out of her lips anyway.
"Really?" She asked. Lucas nodded, and once again his eyes won her over. Peyton let out a short laugh which broke into a smile. Which was followed by a few unexpected tears. Lucas looked bewildered by her reaction, and she couldn't blame him. He stood up, dropping his basketball to the ground. Peyton watched it roll away on the grass, while a few more tears leaked out of her.
"Oh God, Peyton I'm so sorry…" Lucas said again, and his arms reached out to her. She did the only thing that made sense, which was to reach back. He pulled her off the hood of the car and into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her, and she clung to his shoulders. They stood like that for ages. Peyton finally pulled away, realizing she had something to say as well.
"I'm sorry too," she whispered. Pulling away left space between them, space which seemed to grow the second she let out the apology. What was she sorry for? For being in love with him? For the role she played in Lindsey leaving? Once again Peyton's mind took over her heart. It couldn't be this easy, could it? How could they fix everything that had gone wrong in the last five years?
"You don't anything to be sorry for," Lucas said. Peyton met his eyes and shook her head, not really believing him.
"I got in the way, I messed everything up for you," She replied, realizing that honesty and guilt were a terrifying combo. It was Lucas' turn to shake his head.
"I know that's what I said, but it's not true. It's not true at all." Lucas tried to explain, realizing that he needed to hear these words as much as she did. "When you came back to Tree Hill, I finally had to face what I'd been running from. When I proposed to you back in LA, I did it for the wrong reasons. I felt so lost, I was scared of the future, of being a failure. I thought marriage would save me, that it would give me a purpose. When you said no, I blamed you because it was easy, because I was a coward." Lucas knew the next words out of his mouth were going to be the hardest ones.
"But I missed you. Ever since we broke up, I've been missing you. I still love you Peyton. I always have." Lucas locked eyes with her, and from some wellspring of courage he didn't know he had, he stepped forward and kissed her. He felt Peyton's body stiffen again, and for a moment his heart dropped to his stomach. But then it soared again when he felt her throw her arms around him. They kissed and laughed and both their faces were wet with tears, but they were so tangled up in one another that Peyton couldn't tell which one of them was crying. The breeze drifted over them again, but this time they were both shivering from joy. Finally Peyton pulled back, although Lucas kept his arms around her waist.
"Let's go home," Peyton whispered. Lucas nodded, kissed her again and then settled into passenger seat next to her. She turned on the engine, and revved it playfully while smirking at him. He raised his eyebrows slyly in response, and Peyton laughed out loud. Her heart was still aching, but it a new, different way. She hopeful, and hope seemed to fill her heart more than fear or sadness ever had. Lucas's free hand found hers, and she interwove her fingers with his. She had dozens of memories of holding his hand, but this moment felt new. It was their second chance, and she knew she wasn't ever going to let go.