Before we begin, a word from our authors;

Akai: We welcome you to our series of crack filled-drabbles, Phoenix Wright: It's Only Illegal if You Get Caught

Psy: -chants- one of us, one of us…

Akai: Not yet!

Psy: Oh. -goes off to sulk in a corner-

Akai: Anyway, this is a series of really messed up one-shots, staring the characters of Phoenix Wright. And when I say 'messed up,' I mean REALLY messed up. Seriously. We have no idea how we came up with some of the stories you'll be reading, but they amuse us to no end. Maybe you're crazy for reading this. Maybe you're bored. All we know is that you're looking for some cheap, non-pornographic entertainment--we hope--and this is the place to find it. Be amazed. Be disgusted. Be a good person and review. But be warned! This fanfiction is not made for younger viewers, pregnant women or women who are expecting to become pregnant. Side-effects include: nausea, diarrhea, upset stomach, a want to kill the authors, a sense of in balance left after reading, and a need to eat as many burgers as possible. Do not overdose. In some extreme cases, blood loss and a sense of losing your sanity will occur. These are serious health problems and you should call doctor immediately.

Psy: Or just keep reading if you're too lazy to call.

Akai: Exactly. So now, onto the story!

Psy: Can we chant now?

Akai: Indeed, we can.

The authors: -chants- One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us...

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

It's Only Illegal If You Get Caught

Case One: The Urn

With her blonde hair pinned tightly to the back of her head, Adrian Andrews stepped into the dark and foreboding temple. Light illuminated the entrance, but beyond that it was hard to see.

"H-hello?" she stammered, rubbing her arms. It was cold, and her usual black tube-top was doing little to keep her warm. In her hand she held a slip of paper, which listed a place and time.

"Maya s-said to me-meet here."

"Ah, yes, welcome Ms. Andrews. Please, come deeper into the temple. Kurain Village rarely gets visitors these days. But thanks to your exhibit, we've seen a 2.7356 percent increase in visitation. This we thank you for."

"O-oh, you're w-welcome. I-it was the least I could do for what happened in the Endres Case." Adrian didn't move as instructed. After a moment, the voice asked, "Is something the matter?"

"It's re-really cold in here," she stammered, her teeth chattering. She tried rubbing her arms to ward off the cold, but it was having little effect. It might have been summer, but there was no reason to have to have the A/C cranked up this high.

"It's to keep out the horse flies!" Maya stepped into the light. "We wouldn't want them getting our burgers, now would we?!"

"Er…no, I suppose not." Adrian relaxed, but it was a struggle to keep her hands at her sides and not around her body.

The young spirit-channeler ushered her inside. "Watch your step," she pointed to the sunken wooden floor. "That's where a guy died and I was accused of murder. But that was before the Endres case."

"Um…how many murders have you been accused of?"

"Three," Maya said, as if this was no big deal. "So far anyway."

The doors creaked shut, causing the blonde to jump in surprise. They were momentarily left in darkness before a thousand and thirty-two candles simultaneously lit themselves around the channeling chamber, basking them in a warm glow.

"Um…Maya? Not that I mind traveling to your village, but what exactly did you ask me to come here for?"

"A ceremony," A voice answered, one that was not Maya's. Adrian looked over to the far end of the room and saw Mia Fey, sitting next to Pearl Fey and her mother. Another woman sat behind them, one that she could only assume was somehow related. Even the Ami statue was sitting next to them, as grim as always with its Shichishito. The only object that lightened the mood was a colorful party hat that was placed atop of the Ami's head.

"A ceremony?" Adrian repeated, suddenly feeling very anxious.

"Yes. Ms. Andrews, you are no longer an Adrian Andrews. But you are still an Adrian."

"…What? Wait a minute, you're Mia Fey, right? I don't know much about your family, but aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"As am I," the unknown woman said behind Mia. "I am Misty Fey."

"Wait, are you ghosts?! How can I see you?"

"…Please bring forth the Sacred Urn." Mia instructed Pearls, ignoring Adrian's question.

Pearls stood up and trotted behind a paper screen that sat behind them. When she emerged again, she carried a blue urn with the letters "AMI" on it. It was cracked and chipped from years of being broken and fixed with Elmer's glue. Pink paint speckled the bottom of the urn, reminding Adrian of an emotionally painful past experience.

Pearls placed the Urn in front of them, taking due care to place it on a bath towel.

"Come Adrian, we must sit," Maya said hypnotically. The museum curator let herself be pulled over to a spot in front of the Urn, where she was pushed down to her knees. Maya giggled and returned to a spot amongst her family.

Adrian took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. Everything was starting to freak her out. Calmly, she placed her hands on her knees and sat up straight.

"You, Adrian Andrews, have broken the Sacred Urn. This, according to Fey Family Law, means that you are hereby considered a Fey."

"B-but!" Adrian began to protest. She clenched her fists and looked away from Maya. Her face tightened into a scowl--not out of anger, but instead out of supreme confusion and a strange sense of acceptance bubbling within her. She turned her face back to Maya, her eyes beginning to water. What was wrong with her? "Maya, this doesn't make any sense! I can't be a Fey! I can't even channel-"

"Shh," Maya whispered cryptically. "Shhh, all is well. You, Adrian Andrews, are a member of the Fey family now. Ami's ashes have been spilled by your hands when you carelessly dropped the urn and gave it a rather nice speckled paint job. Welcome sister. What you lack in channeling powers will be made up for with your ditzy way of dropping things into paint."

"This doesn't make sense!" Adrian argued back, gritting her teeth. "Dropping the urn was an accident! I'm not meant to be a Fey! I can't even drop an urn in a decent color of paint!"

Maya held up a hand to stop Adrian and then shook her head. "No Sister. Everything is well. Need I explain to you that my Aunt Morgan was worthless when it came to channeling but still, she was a member of the Fey family! What separates you two is the fact that you
actually have a soul. Now Sister, stand." Maya motioned upwards and Adrian shakily stood up.

"The uniform," Maya whispered hypnotically. Pearls nodded and ducked behind the Kurain Folding Screen before reappearing with a bundle in her hands. She bowed before Maya and raised the bundle upwards. "Thank you, young Sister." Maya took the bundle and with a flick of her wrist, unraveled it in the light to show off Adrian's new attire.

The authors: -chants- One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us...

Psy: Be one of us and review! Seriously. Tell us what you think.

Akai: And if you liked this bizzare drabble, then have no fear! The second story will be up shortly, featuring everybody's favorite whip-loving prosecutor, Franzy von Karma! But if you really can't wait to read more, then check out our other story, "Innocent Until Proven Guilty," which is just as crazy in it's own way.

Thanks for reading!

-Cottoncandyretards