Just a little look of what might be going inside Garet's head at night when he can't sleep, after a day where people make fun of him being stupid or slow... A private joke many (including me) have shared a part in.
*****
They think I'm slow. Or stupid. Maybe even both.
But am I really?
That's what they think.
I'm really not. If I wanted to, I could be smarter than Isaac.
Maybe.
But I sorta like it this way.
Or do I?
I mean, it gives me a great way to escape reality.
If you think about it.
I only get the responsibilities they think I'm capable of.
Which is not much.
Which is quite frustrating as well.
When you actually try to be serious,
They don't listen.
Or are so shocked and confused that you have to pass it off as you just being silly or stupid.
In the beginning, it was okay.
But now,
I'm not the big clown they think I am.
But I've woven myself neatly into a trap
That even I don't know how to get out of.
Makes me really wonder if I'm as smart as I think I am.
Maybe I'm just as stupid as I act.
After all, aren't who we are based on our actions?
But that can't be right...
I'm so confused.
I wish someone would just give me the answer.
That's what they automatically do anyway.
I hate my life.
I wonder what death is like?
The oblivion where no one can return?
Would I really end my life?
No.
My friends need me.
Just like I need them.
But I also need answers.
And those won't come from the people who don't know the real me.
I wonder what they'd do if I started acting like I really am...
Would they still want to know me?
Would they even notice?
Well, they'd definitely notice.
They'd suddenly notice that "stupid and brash" Garet
Is more than just brawn.
He's got feelings too.
He has some brains.
But what is Garet really like, anyway?
I spend so much time putting on that façade
That I've forgotten who I really am.
Life stinks.
Sure, people think that the most harmful torture is to break the mind, spirit, or body.
Well, try having your identity taken away from you.
You know who you are.
You still have your name and memories.
But what makes yourself you is lost.
Never to return.
Sometimes when I think about this, I want to cry.
But I know my friends are watching.
So I can't.
This is a really hard path I've chosen.
No escape.
No end.
How I'd love to just make it all go away.
Right here.
Right now.
But I know my friends need me.
As I need to know who I am.
It's just this never-ending circle of insecurities.
A circle of pain.
No escape.
There's no outlet for this confusion.
So at night,
I bury my head in my arms
And cry silently.
I have lost many nights that way.
I wonder if my friends worry about me.
But I don't think they notice.
They don't have this same poison killing them slowly from the inside.
They are blessed.
They are normal.
Sure, maybe they're not totally normal.
People like us never are.
But I'm different.
Different from all of them.
I'd like to be able to see the future.
Know if this is all worth it.
Know if this will eventually work towards some greater good.
If good will come out of this suffering, go ahead!
Let me wither slowly in my anguish!
But I don't know for certain.
No one ever can.
In this torture that we call "life,"
Are any of us really that significant?
Does any second of our lives really count?
So all this suffering I'm going through,
It probably doesn't have any meaning after all.
Right beside me is a sword.
Swords take lives.
Small lives that don't matter at all.
Will I take the chance?
Could I really take that sword and plunge it through myself?
Ending all my suffering?
Somehow, I don't think I could manage that.
The idea of that cold metal plunging through my gut...
I can't bear it.
As much as I'd like all this confusion to go away and end in a simple answer,
It will never be answered if there's no one to receive that answer.
And what will my friends think?
They'll be kept in the dark.
Completely baffled why I killed myself in the middle of the night.
I couldn't bear it.
I couldn't cause my friends so much pain.
So I won't commit suicide.
But that still doesn't solve my problem.
The dawn is breaking.
I spent yet another night in this enigma.
In a couple moments, everyone else will wake up,
Well rested.
Well, one Adept didn't get any sleep at all.
No surprise there.
While the solution still eludes me,
I need to get up and on with it
To spend another day trying to save all the meaningless lives.
I have to just grin and bear my sorrow.
But you know what?
Right now is the start of a new day.
Maybe...
Maybe today...
I'll find out who I am,
And why I'm here.
Yes.
That's it.
Today.
*****
Wow. Three and one third pages full of Garet's depressing/suicidal thoughts. Damn, can I drone on!? ^^; Sorry that was so depressing, though. I had to get it out of me system. Now I feel better. Must have Air Heads. Sugar is our friend... Buh-bye! ::Zooms upstairs to the kitchen::