Disclaimer: I do not own Merry or Pippin or orks. They are children of Tolkien's genius. Please don't sue me!

AN Ok, yeah. This one is a little weird, but compared to some things that actually happened in the books, this is quite realistic. Anyway, the purpose of my "Bits of books that always get left out series" is to write the weird things that authors never consider.

I shook with the pounding of ork boots as they carried me farther and farther away from any hope of ever being rescued by Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. My arms were tired, and I was sore all over. Plus, orks have to be the nastiest smelling things in the entire world. Including Pippin's feet.

Speaking of which, I looked over to see my cousin bouncing along beside me. He looked, if possible, even more tired than I was. "Pippin?" No answer. I sighed. I wondered when we'd ever stop, or if we ever would. I was hungry, even hungry for a hobbit, and that's saying something! Plus, I had to pee. And it didn't help that we kept bouncing. I winced, and tried to think of the last time I had gotten to take a drink. That train of thought was leading me in the wrong direction. I tried to think about dry, hot deserts and cram, but the sound of waterfalls kept entering my mind.

"Um…" I tapped the ork who was carrying me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but when are we going to stop?" The ork grunted something that sounded dreadfully like, "When we get there," which I could only suppose might mean Isengard. Then he shrugged me up farther on his ugly back. I gritted my teeth and tried to hold it in as my bladder kept getting jostled.

"Pippin?"

"What now, Mer?"

"I've really got to pee."

"Go in your pants."

"Are you crazy, Pip? These are my only pants!"

"Ok, so hold it in." Pippin suggested.

"I don't …think…I can…much…longer." I said between bumps.

"Alright, hold on." I waited and watched as Pippin kneed his ork in the rib cage.

"OW!" grunted the ork.

"Sorry," Pippin mumbled as he jabbed his elbow into its shoulder. He winked at me and I stuck my knee my ork's ribs. Pippin and I continued using our elbows and knees to irritate our steeds.

"That's it!" the ork that was carrying Pippin grunted finally, "I ain't carrying this maggot any farther! Someone else should have a turn! He keeps poking me!"

"So give it a whack over the head," suggested another ork.

"Great plan, Pip," I whispered.

"Just wait."

"Nobody hurts them! Saruman wants them healthy!" shouted the one that seemed to be a leader.

"Yeah, but I'm sick of carrying it!" my ork shouted back. "I ain't carryin' it no further!" He wrenched my hands over his head and I fell on the ground. Pippin's ork did the same. Shouts filled the air.

"You filthy lazy maggot!"
"Shut up, I'll chop your head into minced meat!"

"Yeah! I'm hungry!" And fighting erupted. Orks were killing each other left and right. I hesitated for not a moment. The moment they were distracted I unzipped and let it fly.

"Ahhhhhhhhh……."

"Merry!" Pippin half whispered, half shouted. "Hurry up!" He grabbed a knife out of the belt of an ork lying on the ground and cut his own bindings. "Hurry up!"

"Just a second…"

"Merry!"
"Alright, alright, I'm done!" Pippin slit the rope that bound my hands. "Thanks!"

"Right, now let's get out of here!"

THE END