I stood in the middle of a house party. A red flimsy cup gripped beneath my fingertips as I watched her out on the designated dance floor.

Her hips swayed and her dark curls brushed against her shoulders with each movement. She was dancing with Adam, but still jealousy coursed through my veins.

Clare's eyes met mine for a second and my insides turned to jelly. Seeing her like this sent my heart racing and my palms sweating. She had an unexplainable effect on me.

We hadn't spoken more than polite greetings in two months. Of course it was my fault. I was my own worst enemy, ruining anything in my life that just happened to be perfect.

I brought the cup to my lips and took a sip as I tried to shake the thoughts I was having about her, about us more specifically. I wished nothing more than to go back in time and erase everything I now regretted. After all this time I still wanted her and deep down, with each lingering stare I knew she felt to some degree, what I was feeling.

The music became louder and the room more crowded. My eyes met Clare's once more before I decided to leave, downing the rest of the drink left in my cup.

I journeyed down a long hallway until I finally found the washroom. Once inside I stared into the mirror. My reflection was almost unrecognizable, courtesy of my slight intoxication. I felt light, disconnected from my own body.

I had always been like this. Living inside my own head, but sometimes my own thoughts were better than reality. I would come to parties or go to school events, only to take part in a few lousy forced conversations that I wouldn't even remember the next day. The rest of the time I would just watch.

I open the door to the dark hallway, noticing a figure standing only across from me.

"Come with me" I heard in a whisper. Their face was hidden, but I took no interest in who it was as they pulled my arm, urging me to follow them further down the hall.

In the past 8 weeks that hung behind me, this wasn't my first time at a party. Nor was it my first time having someone push me into a quiet unoccupied area to "get to know me". I was never one for formalities, and like any unattached male, I couldn't deny the physical attention from someone other than myself.

"Eli it's me" she said as she closed the door behind her, taking my hand in hers. Recognition washed over me as I realized who it was. Clare.

There were so many things I had heard about her in our time apart. That she was dating some jock named, Jake. That she now, instead of spending her weekends reading or thrift shopping, she tagged along at parties at night and spent the day nursing her hangovers.

I was floored when I heard she had changed so drastically in such a short time. It made me wonder whether or not I had noticeably changed as well.

But with many other moments like tonight when we caught each other's eye, I knew she was the same Clare. She was fragile, beautiful, and genuine. Every inch of her was perfect and as she stood before me, leaned against the back of a foreign bedrooms' door I felt no different.

"Come here" she said before slipping her arms around my neck, pushing her body against mine in a way that made me crave more.

Clare's lips grazed mine hesitantly, testing uncharted waters.

My hands gripped her sides and I kissed her back, my lips moving against hers urgently.

I missed everything about her.

I missed her vanilla scented perfume and bright smiles.

I missed her enveloping hugs and perfect pink lips.

And now as we stood in a dark empty room at a house party, hooking up in somebody's bedroom that I didn't even know the name of I missed nothing more than the feeling of her skin against mine.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, pulling away for air. Not that I didn't enjoy being with Clare like this. I had to wonder why this was happening. We had been to parties together before and had no contact, until now.

I could feel her bury face into my shoulder and I knew her well enough to know she was crying.

Her tears pooled onto my t-shirt and I pulled her closer to me.

"I just want the old me back" she whispered.

The old her, patterned blouses, library visits and sincere smiles. That's the Clare I knew.

This wouldn't change anything. After we left this room all that would be left is the knowledge that this happened. Would she talk to me in the halls at school? Would she attempt to turn her life back to the way it was only months ago?

It was too late to fix what we had. I fucked up and she left me in the deterioration of my life. She made a promise and backed out. There was no going back.

"If you want to change, you can. You just have to want it." I said slowly as I held my arms at both her sides.

"I want you. Is that enough?"

Clare leaned up on her toes, her lips beside at my ear, her warm breath drowning me in a fog I knew couldn't possibly escape.

My heartbeat quickened instantly.

You're all I want.

I want you. All of you.

At a loss for words I held my breath as her hands gripped mine at our sides tightly. I missed the feeling of her hands in mine.

"I don't think so" My voice cracked and i stood still, tensing up beneath her.

This would change everything. This was my second chance.

Why couldn't I take it?
I wanted this but a part of me knew it could never work. Like Clare said so many times before, we're too different.

She's the day and I'm the night.

I took a step back and she did the same, following my lead. Her hand now covered her mouth and her tears filled her eyes. The confidence that filled her only seconds ago so far gone.

"I'm sorry I just thought…" her voice trailed off and her cheeks turned a shade of red only slightly recognizable in the dark room.

I shook my head. I couldn't speak. I couldn't lie.

She backed away, her hand grasping the doorknob before turning back to me.
"I guess I'll see you around." She said in defeat, misery obvious in her usually upbeat voice.

"Yeah maybe"

When she left I sat down on the bed running a hand through my tousled hair in frustration.

I couldn't go after her. I couldn't try and create some fantasy world neither of you will be able to live up to.

I closed my eyes and waited in silence, shuffling through the chaos that was my mind.

I waited for a long time looking at the door, she never came back.

Why did I do that?
I'm so fucking stupid.

Then again, like I said I'm my own worst enemy.