Author's Note: I've also uploaded this onto DeviantArt under the same username, so if you see this there, no harm no foul

Before I begin, I would first like to give a disclaimer: what follows are my personal thoughts and discoveries since hearing of Monty Oum's death on Monday. These are my barebones, almost-unfiltered feelings that I've gone through in the past three days (at the time of this writing, anyway), so what I say you may disagree with, maybe even find offensive. That's fine, and I apologize in advance, but I feel the need to write this down, organize my thoughts, and share with others, whether they be fans or not.

If you're still reading at this point, than thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

To start with, some history: I never heard of Monty Oum until I saw the short Haloid when it was posted on in the early 2000s. The art was okay, the models were good enough for an independent film and it fit the overall style of the Halo universe; the story was bareboned – perhaps to the point of not existing – but again, it was good enough for the project; the animation and the action blew me away. I am currently a fan of animation, and I think Haloid was one of the biggest factors that helped me appreciate the art. I followed his Dead Fantasy series for a time, but it eventually fell off my radar for reasons that escape me now: maybe I had simply lost interest, maybe he stopped to work on other stuff, I don't know. The point here is that I never heard the name Monty Oum until almost ten years later, while watching RoosterTeeth's ten year celebration special (probably not the actual title, but you get the gist) and they introduced the animator they had hired for the CG sections of seasons eigth, nine, and ten of Red vs. Blue. I was, of course, surprised to learn that the same guy who made the kickass action short Haloid was behind the kickass action scenes of one of my favorite webseries. And then RWBY was announced.

In all honesty, I wasn't really excited about RWBY. Yes, I was interested in the new series and looking forward to seeing what it was about, but I didn't have that fanboy excitement I suspect others had. And when I finally saw it there wasn't an epiphany, I didn't go "this is the greatest thing ever," and I wasn't on the edge of my seat waiting in anticipation for the next episode, though as soon as I saw the most recent one uploaded I watched it the first chance I got.

In my defense, I was – and still am – in college working on my B.A. I needed to focus on other things.

Then, in the Fall Semester of last year something changed. I can't begin to understand the exact line of thought that led to it, let alone explain it, but I began thinking about career options for when I graduated, and of the ones that I came up with was working at RoosterTeeth. Somehow that led to re-watching episodes of RWBY, then looking up fanart, then looking up ships – I ship Ladybug and Fallen Petals, by the way – then looking up fanfictions and wanting to write my own. Again, I don't know how to explain it, but I had become obsessed with RWBY and its fandom.

When I got news of Monty getting hospitalized, I sympathized with his family and friends, but just kept on with my life, not really giving it much thought.

Then came the tragic news this week.

And since then, I've been fighting back tears.

At this point I want to warn anyone who've gotten this far: this is the part where you might find yourself hating me.

The reason I was fighting back tears wasn't just because of some deep seeded sense of masculinity, but it was because I felt I was being selfish. The thing is, I wasn't crying for Monty, or his family, or his friends. I had never met or seen him in person, or his family, or any of the RoosterTeeth staff. I never followed the podcasts, twitter, facebook, or anything else that would put me into contact with Monty or the rest of the staff. Despite following two of their most popular series for more than a decade, I know nothing about them. I still see them as people, who love, cry, hurt, laugh, and get angry, but I don't have that personal connection that I feel is necessary to be sad on someone's behalf. Because I don't know Monty, the person, I feel that I have to reason or right to cry, to mourn his passing, or cry for his friends and family.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless or callous: my heart goes out to Sheena and Burnie and Geoff and all of Monty's friends and family. It's always a sad day to lose someone close. But I wasn't and never felt close to Monty.

So why was I crying? Why was I fighting back the tears that wanted to flow down my cheeks? Why did I think I was being selfish?

One part is what has become a fantasy of mine: working at RoosterTeeth, and it included actually working with Monty, helping him develop and create the next part to his story. Now even if I find myself working for RoosterTeeth, that's not going to happen now.

Another part is the show itself: thanks to my obsession that built up in the last couple of months, I was looking forward to seeing the next step in the series, the third volume of RWBY, and then the fourth volume, and maybe the fifth. Now, that's all in question. I don't know what RoosterTeeth will decide concerning the series – as of this writing, I haven't checked or heard any news – but I think the chances of at least a volume four and beyond are probably slim if not non-existent.

Basically, I felt I was crying because my dream wouldn't come true and one of my favorite shows may be canceled.

Yeah, selfish.

But then, this morning, I had an epiphany. When I got up to go to class today, I decided to start looking up all the pictures drawn dedicated to Monty. I was tired of being a selfish brat, and wanted to get it out of my system, so I just went in head-first. As tears started to cloud my vision, I noticed something: my emotions were being stirred not by the short blurbs and essays like this one dedicated to Monty; not by pictures of fans dressed as their favorite characters; but by scenes of the four main characters reacting to Monty's passing, whether alone or all together. Whether it was Ruby saying goodbye to Monty's fading image, Blake kneeling at a grave marked with Monty's name, or scenes with all four of them clutching Monty's figure with tears in their eyes. It was those drawings, those tributes showing the emotions of the four girls that hit me the hardest. That's when it dawned on me. While I was crying for selfish reasons, for my own sake, I was also crying for them: Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Yang. Somehow, someway, through the show, all the fan drawings, all the fanfictions, those four had made their way into my heart, had made me see them not just as characters from an enjoyable series: when I see them cry, I see four girls, four people, cry. Crying for the loss of someone whom they'd saw as a brother or father they never had, someone who, literally, brought them together. And it breaks my heart.

I'm the type of person who's sensitive, even with fictional stuff. I can't watch a crime show without feeling actual rage toward whoever the bastard was the bad guy for the week, to feel embarrassed for a character in a movie when they embarrass themselves, to get excited during the climatic battle of a fantasy book.

Some of that is probably exaggeration, but I think you get the idea.

I'm sure there are some reading this thinking that I'm overreacting, saying that "they're fictional characters, get over it" or something to that extent. And you're right. They are fictional characters, and they've made me care.

I don't know if this is just me being sensitive, and going through a weak point in my life, or if this is a testimony to Monty's talent. Maybe both. I just know that this is how I feel.

For those of you who've read my little thing to this point, thank you.