THE MARK HAMILTON SHOW!

This is a GSR story. Non-shippers, please stay away.
Lately, it seems that there's a conspiracy against GSR at CBS. I haven't seen the new season but I've seen enough on the promos. Then there's the recent TV guide spread with WP and MH on the cover. In the first place, why, (oh, why) did they have to include her? Doesn't Catherine get enough attention on the show? And if they included her, why not include the rest of the cast? It's not like Grissom's leaving will affect only her, right?

But what felt like a slap on the face was WP speculating about Grissom taking Catherine off for a weekend of drinks and sex. I was so mad I couldn't even finish the article. But then I thought, wait a minute, there's a fanfic right there...
And thank God for fanfics! They help us make sense out of the chaos that the CSI writers make.

Here's my response to that TV guide article.

SCENE DELETED FROM EPISODE 12-7 OF THE MARK HAMILTON SHOW, STARRING MARK HAMILTON. TONIGHT'S STORY OF INTEREST: CRIME PREVENTION PROGRAM CREATED BY CORONER ALBERT ROBBINS. GUESTS: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATORS GIL GRISSOM AND CATHERINE WILLOWS.

The scene shows GIL GRISSOM, MARK HAMILTON AND CATHERINE WILLOWS sitting on three separate couches set around coffee table.

MARK HAMILTON: (Showing bright row of Chiclet-like teeth as he smiles at the camera) And we'll be right back with more from Dr. Gil Grissom and the lovely Catherine Willows!

Music interlude.

Off Camera: Cut!

MARK HAMILTON: (Smile instantly disappears as he looks at the crew behind the cameras) All right, guys, listen up. You're gonna have to make some changes about the lighting. It's making Dr. Grissom look like he's got white cotton candy covering his head -

GRISSOM: (eyebrows rising) Excuse me -

MARK HAMILTON: (Still talking to the crew) You really should have done something about the grey in his hair! (Suddenly, he pats his own hair, then his face) Where's that damn make-up artist?

GRISSOM: (more forcefully, now) EXCUSE ME!

MARK HAMILTON: (Surprised that someone is daring to interrupt him) What!

GRISSOM: (Mustering all the dignity he can) Mr. Hamilton, we came here to present our Coroner's crime-prevention program. So far, you haven't even broached the subject. Instead, you've been asking us all sort of personal questions –

MARK HAMILTON: (Vaguely) Oh. (His full attention is on make-up artist, now; she applies thick coat of make-up, places mirror so he can check himself out, then leaves. Hamilton makes himself comfortable in his seat, then he finally turns to Grissom) Well, I'm glad you brought up the matter, Doctor. This may come as a surprise to you, but 'haughty silence' isn't an accepted form of response when it comes to television. I mean, would it hurt you too much to give me a straight answer when I ask you a question?

GRISSOM: (glaring) I will gladly answer all your questions, just as long as they're related to our crime prevention program; that's what I agreed to talk about.

MARK HAMILTON: (Conciliatory) And we will, Dr. Grissom; we will. But you can't expect our audience to pay any attention to you merely on the basis of your experience on the field –

GRISSOM: (Mystified) Why not?

MARK HAMILTON: (Amazed that he has to explain) Because it isn't enough; my audience isn't interested in your college degrees, Dr. Grissom; they want to know about you; they want to know what makes you tick, so to speak. You see, what makes my show so successful, Dr. Grissom, is my ability to bring my subjects to bare their souls on television. Trust me; more than statistics on crime, what the average viewer wants to know right now is whether you're single or not. (Looks expectantly at Grissom)

GRISSOM: (Glares and refuses to speak)

MARK HAMILTON: (Wearily) Ok, no luck here. (Turns to Catherine) What about you, Ms. Willows? Are you single?

Catherine: (scoffs) Like I have any choice -

MARK HAMILTON: (Eagerly turning at Grissom) You see? That's the kind of response I want from you! A response like this one can trigger a dozen questions more from me! (Hastily picks a pen from his pocket and scribbles something on the cue cards on his lap, then looks at Grissom again) Now, on the next segment, I am going to ask you a few personal questions, and this time I need you to be more forthcoming. And please -please- be spontaneous. Let's try this one for instance: did you and Ms. Willows ever sleep together?

GRISSOM: (Spontaneously) Good God, no!

CATHERINE: (Glaring) What do you mean, 'Good God, no?'

GRISSOM: (frowning) What do you mean, what do I mean? We've never slept together!

CATHERINE: But you're making it sound like it's the most awful prospect you've ever faced in your life!

GRISSOM: (baffled) Am I?

CATHERINE: (Peeved) It's not that impossible, you know. (Turning to HAMILTON) We could have –

MARK HAMILTON: (Openly ogling her) I believe you. (To Grissom) Be honest, Dr. Grissom; are you really telling me you've never been tempted? Didn't you ever wish you could take Ms Willows off to Acapulco for a weekend of hot partying? Picture it: Margaritas by the pool, champagne in your suite -

CATHERINE: (Growing indignant) Are you saying that's all I'm good for? A drunken weekend in Acapulco?

MARK HAMILTON: (Backtracking) Er, no. I was merely wondering if –

CATHERINE: Not that I wouldn't have gone. I mean, for a weekend in Acapulco –are you kidding me? Of course I would have. (Tilting her head in Grissom's direction) And I would have made it worth his while, too. I would have rocked his world so hard his teeth would have rattled –

MARK HAMILTON: (Winces) That sounds painful.

GRISSOM: (Winces too, but knows that anything he says will be turned against him)

CATHERINE: (shrugs) -but it never happened and it never will. (Glancing sideways at Grissom) Knowing him, he'd spend the entire weekend studying the local cockroaches.

GRISSOM: (muttering to himself) I should be so lucky. Mexican cockroaches are magnificent.

MARK HAMILTON: (Skeptically) So, am I to supposed to believe there has never been any sexual tension between you two?

GRISSOM: (puzzled) Well –

CATHERINE: Ha! You should have seen him the day we met!

GRISSOM: (More puzzled yet) What does that mean?

CATHERINE: (Still talking to Hamilton) He couldn't take his eyes off my bosom.

MARK HAMILTON: (Whose eyes have been on Catherine's bosom on and off for the last 40 minutes) Huh. Imagine that.

GRISSOM: (Indignant) She was wearing spandex! No one had ever worn spandex at the lab! And the blouse she was wearing - (Glances at Catherine as he speaks, then stops abruptly when he notices that Catherine's current attire includes spandex).

MARK HAMILTON: (Eagerly) Ah, ha! So you remember what she was wearing!

GRISSOM: (haughtily) Of course, I do. I remember what each of my coworkers was wearing the first time we met. First impressions are important.

MARK HAMILTON: Can you tell me what your first impression of Catherine was, then?

GRISSOM: (Opens mouth but can bring himself to speak)

MARK HAMILTON: Well?

CATHERINE: (Ominously) Well?

GRISSOM: (Conciliatory) I can tell you what I think of you now.

CATHERINE: What?

GRISSOM: (diplomatically) You're the best friend anyone could ask for.

ATHERINE: (Stunned) Oh. Well. That's nice.

MARK HAMILTON: A friend? (Closes eyes like a long-suffering martyr) Good God, this guy's gonna make my ratings drop to zero!

CATHERINE: (Maliciously) What about Sara? Do you remember what she was wearing?

GRISSOM: (Momentarily taken aback) Sara?

CATHERINE: (Sarcastically) Yes, Grissom. Sara. Forgotten her already?

GRISSOM: (Hurt) No, I have not.

CATHERINE: So, what was she wearing?

GRISSOM: (Reluctantly) A pink t-shirt. Jeans. (He pauses and looks away, but he's not really looking at anything in the studio; it's more like he's looking into the past as he speaks) Her hair was pulled back in a pony-tail, but some curls had escaped away, and they looked like a halo around her face. (Softly) And I could see her freckles, too. I guess that's what first caught my attention; the fact that she wasn't wearing any make-up. Of all the women in the audience, Sara was the only one who - (The word trails off. He's lost in thought, now)

MARK HAMILTON: (Intrigued, leans closer to Catherine) Who's Sara?

CATHERINE: (whispering) Ex-girlfriend. Left him. He's still crazy about her.

MARK HAMILTON: What about her?

CATHERINE: Crazy about him -not so crazy about his job.

MARK HAMILTON: (nods thoughtfully, then suddenly brightens up. He picks his cell phone and punches a number) Hello, Marge? Call the Dr. Phil show. Tell them I've got a guest for their segment on 'Lovers missing a connection'. (Glances at Grissom as he speaks) Tell them he's gonna need the wife in there with him; trust me: this is gonna be a really tough case!

The End

If someone wants to do the Dr. Phil part, go ahead!!! :D