Authors notes: Okay, this is my first try at writing an UM fic, people be nice. :D I've been craving for some Ayu/Tsujiai fics and decided to write one instead of waiting for more. Hope you all like it. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own.
Fanfiction dedicated to all Ayu/Tsujiai shippers. :)
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Till I get over you
By: Misao Seta/Hermionini
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Everytime I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do, oh
You got me like a loaded gun
Golden sun and sky so blue
We both know that we want it
But we both know you left me no choice.
Chaque fois que tu ton va.
You just bring me down.
Je pretend que tu fals bien.
So I'm counting my tears, till I get over you.
- Till I get over you- Michelle Branch
I looked at you and you were smiling at me. Happy at seeing me. Your eyes shining as you looked at me with those intense pools of yours. You extend your hand to me and smiled at me once more. This is when I know that I am only dreaming.
"This is all… just a dream…" I leave the last word trailing sad that this couldn't be reality. I gladly took the hand you extended in front of me, wishing this one moment would last forever, wishing that I would never wake up. Silently capturing the moment in my mind, making it everlasting.
You hugged me really tight as if you were a lost boy and you have finally found your mommy, never wanting to let go ever again or to even loose site of her. I gladly return you the hug but as my hands met behind you… nothing. You disappeared once again like you had in reality. Forever gone, never to return to the comfort of my hands. So I sat and cried till I knew nothing anymore… nothing but you…
There are some days that I wake up, by the sound of my alarm. Some days I'm awoken by someone I live with pulling at my arm. But today is different it's not quite the same as waking up with the person who removes all your shame.
I shot my eyes wide open, sat up in bed, panting, holding on to the sheets as if I was on the brink of loosing my sanity, my innocence. Perspirations flowed like rivers throughout my body as I looked around and tried to make sense of everything surrounding me.
A window. A ceiling. A lamp shade. A desk. A photo of a girl with long brown hair and a boy with chopped raven hair.
I sobbed. The photo brings back memories of happiness I once had with you the husband I always should have had. I hugged my knees trying to comfort myself. Anguish bathed me as memories kept flashing in my mind, unending, tormenting me to the brink of my sanity.
These flashes of you keep happening to me, even though you've been gone for a year. Sometimes I cry so hard, I whisper I want to go home, I want to be near you again, to be engulfed by your scent as I cry the night away in the comfort of your shoulder. But then I cry harder because I realize that this is home for now and there would never be you to cry on ever again.
I am home. This is my home now. Alone in a dark messed up apartment. Shards of glass scattered all over the floor. Clothes thrown about the room. The bed never arranged. The only thing in place is the picture of you and me hanging by the window pane. I remind myself over and over that this is my home and not just some bad dream. This isn't some bad movie or some bad scene, this is my life now and I can't change it.
This is me now. This is who I turned out to be. This is what happens when you take a good girl and turn her world upside down. This is what happens when you steal my heart and never give it back. This is what happens when you're not around.
Ever since you left I have been numb. Nothing makes sense. I'm falling in a bottomless pit of craziness and torture. It's all because of my broken heart that you have always owned and now that you're gone so is my heart. Please give it back, it's already torn.
Now I'm falling in this bottomless pit and everything is you. I can't blink away my tears, you're in everything I do.
Our relationship was happy. Our relationship was sad. You may have been abusive, but you're everything I have. I could always forgive you for hurting me, harassing me, abusing me. I could always forgive you for lying to me, ruining me, scaring me. You were the only one who cared, who loved me in depth. Loosing you would only bring loads of pain in my head. So everyday I forgive you for everything you did and everything you said.
Forgiving you is easy, I'm big enough to manage that. All the lies you told me could easily be thrown away. They are nothing and they could easily be thrown away. It's the truth that stings because deep inside you know that what they are saying is real and you can't escape that. But something's are hard and it's hard to forget you. Even though you're gone. Even if your not here. Your presence still lingers in my home, in my mind, in my heart and it wont go away. It's hard to banish the memories. It's hard to make them go away. It's hard because I know deep down that I wont ever forget you. It's hard because I know my heart is still clinging onto the memory of you.
If I could put my finger into my brain and tear out that memory from hell, everything would have been better. But I can't do anything. I'm helpless. I can't forget you, we've been over that. I can't erase you. I can't replace you. I can't get you back. I can't ignore you. I can't hurt you. I can't face the facts.
I wanted to believe that I had gotten rid of your memory good enough for it not to haunt me as much as it does. I want to get over you. To try and live a normal life or at least something close to it. How am I supposed to live my life when visions that haunt me keep popping up my head?
Most of the time, I get butterflies in my stomach but they're not the kind that makes you think that you can fly. They're not the butterflies that make you feel lightheaded. They're butterflies that tell you that everything is not all right, that you might as well die than suffer from this hell.
Sometimes, rare times, I let myself be happy, or at least try to make myself be happy. Sometimes I actually smile. Sometimes I even find myself thinking that maybe there is still hope and that I could still make it. But those times only happen for a while. Because then I would get home and I would remember all about you and I know my happy dream isn't about to come true. It's almost impossible to be happy with a past such as mine. Whenever I'm alone, the thought of you starts invading my head once more. I can't let you go. You'll always be there. And I can't lie to myself. You will always be there.
Most of the time I just cry. I release the anger. I release the frustration. I release the depression. I release them into tears. I cry so hard I almost choke. It's hard to breathe as the air runs out in your lungs. And I just wish you would die so it would all disappear. I try to make it go away but it wont. It never does no matter what I do. It's all there in the back of my mind. I move forward but I always rewind. It's all I think about. All the moments we had shared, happy and sad. I get wrapped up in it. In all the anguish I feel, every second, every minute, day in and day out. It will haunt me forever and there's nothing I could do to prevent it or stop it from continuing. It will go on and on. I can't hide the pain, no matter how hard I try. It's there visible even to the blind. It's there. It's happened. Nothing can stop it as it slowly drives me insane. It's just there and I know it no matter how hard I try not to care.
Inside me, my heart cries out to someone anyone… behind my eyes, behind the words I say, I am screaming. Don't let me go. Hold on to me. Save me from this anguish. Save me from myself. Everytime someone pretends to care and asks if I'm okay, I tell them I'm okay. Everytime I tell them I'm okay, I silently beg them to ask me once again. I beg them to me admit that I'm not okay. That I am far from okay. Save me, don't give up on me. Everytime you walk away from me, you sigh and I too sigh inside. I know that everytime you leave you give up on me some more.
Pretty soon You're not going top ask me anymore. I'm never gonna hear those words again. Are you okay? Are you feeling ill? Do you need help or anything? I'm gonna be here. Alone once again. I'll be here praying that you ask me one more time again. This time I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you what's going on and what I do.
What is going on? Have I gone crazy? Have I lost my mind? The truth is that I miss him. I miss him terribly. Don't leave me. Everytime my mind thinks of you, I remember that you are not here anymore. It punctures my heart and then the memories all grow dim. It feels like someone had thrown a black cloth all over my memories of you. It's just dim and I can't see you anymore. I feel like I got blinded. I feel like screaming. I feel as if somebody had stabbed me, robbed me of my memory. They are robbing me of my memory. Everyday you die more in my mind until one day, a memory of you would be so hard to find.
You face… your picture… our picture would no longer exist in my head. Your smell would be gone. But I know that I'll always have a place in my heart for those who aren't with me today but should me. You will always have a place inside of me.
OWARI
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Authors notes: I had no idea how to end it so I am really really sorry about the ending. Hope you all liked it. Please comment and leave a review. Thank you very much. :)