When The Doctor thinks
Summary: This is what goes around in the doctor's head, when he is alone.
A/N: This is doctor number 10, after he loses Martha.
A/N 2: You should listen to the song: Face – RyanDan, while you read this. I listen to it while writing it. Just a hint.
Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that I don't own Doctor Who, but I don't want to get sued. So just for the record. No I do not own Doctor Who.
Sometimes, when I'm in the Tardis, when I'm alone, or when my companion(s) are asleep. I think. I think all the time, I know. But then I really think. I'm running around all the time, say stuff, helping people, getting people killed, making friends, and getting new enemies. And yet it seems like I'm running in circles. Always fighting and winning but still losing.
I wonder, why I keep doing this. I've gotten so many people killed. I have disappointed my friends and hurt them, but they all seem to forgive me, all the time. I should stop, and I often tell myself this, I'll stop. I'll let my companions go, let them live their normal lives. Stop destroying their lives. But I never do. Because I feel so lonely, all the time. And when they are here, when I have someone around me, laughing and joking. I feel just a little bit less horrible. But I always feel bad. There is an ever growing pill of guilt on my mind. And I can't get rid of it.
When I found the Master, when I had found him, I really thought, for a second I had hope. That maybe, if I could help him, if I could save him, stop those drums of his. Then maybe it would become better. But he died, in my arms, in my care. He died because I didn't save him in time. Because I was to slow.
Maybe if I hadn't lied to him. When he asked about the drums, I had told him I didn't hear them. I had lied. From the very moment I had destroyed Gallifrey, when I had killed my people, they had started. Those never ending drums. But I had gotten my companions, to drown it out. It had still been there, but more like a memory, it was bearable. I could handle them. But when I was alone, they'd grow stronger and beat faster, I'd lose my patience and let people die, and I'd watch. When I was alone, I couldn't be The Doctor, then I was lost. Then I was the broken old man that was hidden inside this overused body.
I thought that maybe, if the master and I, could be together, in the Tardis, I could help him. Teach him to control his drums. And then we could be alone together. But no. I lied. Rule number one, the doctor lies.
Now people hate him, judge him, but he couldn't help himself. He wasn't lucky enough to find the right person. He was alone, in a whole different way than I was. He was alone, alone with his drums.
And now I'm alone, again. I've lost a companion, again. I've left her broken, again. I have destroyed her life, again. But I can't stop running. If I did, if I'd stop running and turn around, to face everything I've done wrong, everyone I've hurt or worse. I'd become the Master. Because that's what he did he stopped running.
One day, I'll run out of regenerations, and I'll be free. I don't know what will happen to me then. If I'd see my people again, meet the Master again. Or maybe I'll just be gone. That would probably be best, I best just leave and never return. But I don't. I never do. I always get into my Tardis, and fly off. To a new adventure, to new friends, to new goodbyes.
And every time I break a little, and I know that I won't be able to take it forever. One day I'll just start to forget, I'll just stop thinking, I'll just stop. And I can't wait till that happens. Until that day arrives, I'll try my best, to be a doctor. To be The Doctor.