PROLOGUE
Sid,
They say that a picture paints a thousand words. You liked words didn't you? I know because I always had you down as a maths guy but then I read the letters you wrote to me and I have to say, my darling, you had a way with words. I miss you so much, every single day. It's like a hole in my chest that's so completely empty and it makes me feel like a lost little girl in a big city- entirely alone. You didn't mean to do it, did you Sid? It was an accident from the drugs and the drinking. I know that because you were always the stronger one out of us. I just need to understand why. I can't handle this not knowing. I can't handle the what-ifs. What if it wasn't an accident? Stuff like that. I want to know how you felt. I want to understand because there is a possibility that I felt the same at one point. You remember that night don't you? When you picked me up and I was so fragile and so small. I was shivering and shuddering and sweating and you shouted "Cassie? Cass please! How many have you taken? Baby come on, don't do this to me." I could hear you Sid. I could hear everything. You wrapped me in a blanket and carried me to the car and tore through the streets at least double the limit. I was fading in and out but I could hear you, every word.
"Cassie! Don't you do this! Don't leave me! I love you, Cassie Ainsworth. I am fucking in love with you!" Guess what Sid- I love you too. I am fucking in love with you too. You were home to me. You were everything to me. I wish that when you left you could have taken all of the memories with you. I wish you could have taken all of your crap and phoned your parents and picked up all of the broken pieces you left behind. I wish you could have taken all of those nights spent stoned out of our minds staring up at the ceiling, me curled up on your chest and you with your arm draped over me. I wish I could erase all of the conversations and compliments and falling exhausted into each others arms naked… and that feeling of your skin on mine. God Sid, you didn't make this easy for me. Whenever you touched me I felt this electricity and it was so invigorating and fulfilling. I'm trying to live without it and it's killing me.
Remember when you found me? We got drunk. So drunk I couldn't walk and you had to carry me back to my apartment. You lay me down on my bed and touched my face with gentle strokes. You dropped a kiss on my forehead and you whispered "I will never leave you again, Cassie Ainsworth. I promise." And that night we had sex. It was natural and aggressive and passionate and everything it should have been. When I fell into your arms, for the first time in a while, I felt safe. I wanted to love you and you wanted to love me. Wasn't that enough for you? What did I miss?
I guess I just need some help understanding. I can remember the exact order of what happened. I can remember everything from the moment of you finding me to the moment of me finding you. All you said was "I'm sorry." What were you sorry for? When you scrawled those two words on that old, stained envelope, what were you thinking about? I need to know because I am trying to live my life without the one thing that made it worth while. God if you're going to keep killing me Sid, just fucking do it because it's tearing me apart not knowing. I wish I could have given you what you deserved. I tried so hard. When I knew I wasn't what you needed it broke my heart. That phone call to Michelle? Yeah, I heard it. You told her that I was what you wanted but you felt so much pressure looking after me all of the time. So, was it me? Did I push you over the edge?
Here's the thing, my love, I never believed in ghosts until you found me; until you died. But now you're everywhere I look and I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, Sid. I really am. I'm sorry for everything. Life without you is so lonely. You promised you wouldn't leave me again but you broke it. Are you going to haunt me forever?
All my love,
Cassie